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How to parent BOYS

 
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amother




OP
 

Post Mon, Feb 22 2021, 1:24 pm
I have a family of boys and feel that I need to learn how to parent boys specifically as they are getting older.
BH, there are no parenting issues. I'm looking to understand how to talk to them, so they feel comfortable talking to me. My oldests are reserved and don't share. How do I cultivate an open relationship with boys?
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amother




Babyblue
 

Post Mon, Feb 22 2021, 1:28 pm
Read old posts on this topic there is really good info out there. and on the yeshiva threads.
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amother




Navy
 

Post Mon, Feb 22 2021, 1:32 pm
You need to find the way they are comfortable communicating.

Here are three ways I've been able to build more communication with my boys:

1) Read to them. I read a chapter book to my pre-teen for close to a year (I read Meir Uri Gottesman books), a section or two every night. Sometimes we'd get into a discussion about it, sometimes not.

2) Try indirect communication. I'll sometimes type a question to my child on the computer, and then when they answer write their response in another font (bold or italics), then write my response underneath that. Sometimes they'll type it themselves. I'm not sure exactly why it works, but it does.

3) When they go away from home, I'll call and just chat, share whatever news is going on at home ("...and Devorah got a new tooth! We ran out of ketchup, so we're having tacos for dinner instead...") and whether it's in self-defense or not (maybe they learn by my example) it gets them to talk eventually!

In general with teens, nights are time for opening up, the later the better, and private car rides are a great time for people to feel more comfortable sharing, maybe because you're not looking at each other.

Make plenty of opportunities for communication and hopefully some will work!
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amother




Denim
 

Post Mon, Feb 22 2021, 1:34 pm
great book
https://www.amazon.com/Wild-Th.....22275

Really delineated helped me
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Zehava




 
 
 
 

Post Mon, Feb 22 2021, 2:48 pm
Make sure they’re fed. Preferably before any conversation takes place.
With the younger ones, allow them to release energy.
Be interested in their world. Involve yourself. Ask questions. What did you learn today? Did anything funny happen? Did the bus come on time? Who sat next to you at lunch? Find common interests like science, sports, cars, whatever they’re into.
Accept accept accept. Don’t nag them about things that aren’t important in the long run. When they do share something you don’t approve of, don’t jump down their throat or you’re guaranteed to shut down communication in the future, and that goes for males of any age.
Be patient, plant seeds, and when they feel safe they will talk, or not, but the main thing is for them to feel safe and accepted.
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SuperWify




 
 
 
 

Post Mon, Feb 22 2021, 2:51 pm
amother [ Navy ] wrote:
You need to find the way they are comfortable communicating.

Here are three ways I've been able to build more communication with my boys:

1) Read to them. I read a chapter book to my pre-teen for close to a year (I read Meir Uri Gottesman books), a section or two every night. Sometimes we'd get into a discussion about it, sometimes not.

2) Try indirect communication. I'll sometimes type a question to my child on the computer, and then when they answer write their response in another font (bold or italics), then write my response underneath that. Sometimes they'll type it themselves. I'm not sure exactly why it works, but it does.

3) When they go away from home, I'll call and just chat, share whatever news is going on at home ("...and Devorah got a new tooth! We ran out of ketchup, so we're having tacos for dinner instead...") and whether it's in self-defense or not (maybe they learn by my example) it gets them to talk eventually!

In general with teens, nights are time for opening up, the later the better, and private car rides are a great time for people to feel more comfortable sharing, maybe because you're not looking at each other.

Make plenty of opportunities for communication and hopefully some will work!


Love these!! You have very lucky boys.

And crazy enough I find that #2 even works for husbands! If you want a great way to have light and fun conversation with dh that doesn’t include kids of bills try texting him.
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amother




OP
 

Post Mon, Feb 22 2021, 2:53 pm
I am appreciating everyone's replies, thank you!
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amother




Firebrick
 

Post Mon, Feb 22 2021, 3:10 pm
Teach them how to cook, clean, and do the laundry and iron. They need to be independent and not think these are only jobs for women. This includes clearing their plates.
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amother




Dodgerblue
 

Post Mon, Feb 22 2021, 3:15 pm
Try to find common interests.

Music, books, sports, or whatever it is they're interested in.
Common ground encourages conversation.

My oldest children are 14 and 12 year old boys, for reference.
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amother




Maroon
 

Post Mon, Feb 22 2021, 3:18 pm
amother [ Navy ] wrote:

1) Read to them. I read a chapter book to my pre-teen for close to a year (I read Meir Uri Gottesman books), a section or two every night.


So do we! Deep Blue is the BEST. My boys loved it.
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amother




Azure
 

Post Mon, Feb 22 2021, 3:48 pm
One of my sons loved Deep Blue and the other books. He even emailed the author to tell him. My other ones didn't as much. It's a personality type. But he also loves Avner Gold.
My other sons are more into mystery and action. Survival, espionage, armies and weapons, strategy.
I find texting to help a lot with communication. It's short and to the point and it's visual so in our experiences compliments and I love yous go much further.
Food talks to them. Potato kugel, cholent, and hamburgers will keep their spirits up. LOL
Let things slide to concentrate on what's important. If they're late for school or flunked a test or dumped stuff all over their room, don't make a mountain out of a molehill. Focus on your future goals and keep building to get there.
Also age 11-14 ish they go crazy from hormones. Defiance, physical fighting, lots of immature behaviors and stuff coming through. Keep persevering to get them through without getting stuck on incidents. Make them feel so important and worthy and needed and loved and they'll slide through it much easier than if you harp on things that are unimportant in the long run.
Also make sure they have a way to burn off energy. Physical activity, sports, a gym, swimming, a punching bag, or a bike. Because that energy will get let out and we want it to be not on others.

Boys are great fun. Especially once they're all taller and stronger than you.
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