Home

Is it right to call a baby after someone if...

 
Post new topic   Reply to topic    Forum -> Pregnancy & Childbirth -> Baby Names


View latest: 24h 48h 72h


amother




OP
 

Post Tue, Feb 23 2021, 1:51 am
Is it right to call a baby after someone if doing so causes emotional pain to other family members?
A family member just named their baby after another family member who died young and in a tragic way. They decided to call the baby the exact nickname this person was called. Every time I or other family members hear the baby being called it causes us a lot of emotional pain Sad Sad Sad
Back to top

amother




Puce
 

Post Tue, Feb 23 2021, 1:58 am
I'm sorry that your family suffered this tragedy.

I'm sure that these people didn't name the baby with the intention of causing anyone pain. It may bring them great comfort to hear the name, and to know that the person was not forgotten.
Back to top

amother




Orange
 

Post Tue, Feb 23 2021, 3:11 am
That must be so hard Sad

It might have been more sensitive to use it as a middle name....
Back to top

amother




Tangerine
 

Post Tue, Feb 23 2021, 3:25 am
amother [ Puce ] wrote:
I'm sorry that your family suffered this tragedy.

I'm sure that these people didn't name the baby with the intention of causing anyone pain. It may bring them great comfort to hear the name, and to know that the person was not forgotten.


I agree with this... may have been done with the exact opposite intention...
Back to top

amother




Khaki
 

Post Tue, Feb 23 2021, 3:30 am
So sorry for your pain.
It is not a question of right....everyone has the "right" to name and call their child whatever they want.
Everyone is different. One person's nechama is another's pain.
What is done is done.
Look for a way to gain closure and a different framing of this challenging situation. You can even be dklz. Maybe the spouse has a different association with this name and reason for naming.
hugs and hatzlocha
Back to top

amother




OP
 

Post Tue, Feb 23 2021, 10:49 am
amother [ Puce ] wrote:
I'm sorry that your family suffered this tragedy.

I'm sure that these people didn't name the baby with the intention of causing anyone pain. It may bring them great comfort to hear the name, and to know that the person was not forgotten.


The mother married into our family after this person passed away, so nothing to do with comfort. And I know the father wasn’t thrilled about using the exact nickname
Back to top

amother




Forestgreen
 

Post Tue, Feb 23 2021, 11:17 am
I chose to name one child with the same name as a friend of DH who had passed away young, and another child after DH's great-grandmother. This was MY choice, not DH's. I felt a certain closeness to these people because they were special to my husband.

I imagine that the DIL in your case heard a lot about the person that passed away through her husband, and she may have felt that this would be healing for him and bring a closeness for herself.

It is very unfortunate that this is bringing pain. People handle loss so differently, some find the memory of the person who passed on to be a comfort, others find it easier to put away the memories and take them out only in private.

In your case you are not given a choice, as the name is a constant reminder of pain you don't always want to think about.

If it is appropriate, can you speak to the parents of the baby sensitively, and ask them to consider using a different nickname? For my children, I find that nicknames sometimes change over time anyhow.

May Hashem bring you true comfort for your loss.
Back to top

tichellady




 
 
 
 

Post Tue, Feb 23 2021, 11:22 am
It seems like you are assuming the worst of these parents
Back to top

amother




Tan
 

Post Tue, Feb 23 2021, 11:25 am
amother [ OP ] wrote:
Is it right to call a baby after someone if doing so causes emotional pain to other family members?
A family member just named their baby after another family member who died young and in a tragic way. They decided to call the baby the exact nickname this person was called. Every time I or other family members hear the baby being called it causes us a lot of emotional pain Sad Sad Sad


Oy OP im so sorry...
Its hard.
I personally am very into naming after people...it is such a kavod for the mes.
On the other hand, there is a matter of priorities here...its very nice and kavodik to name after someone, but the Torah says very strong things about someone who causes another person pain.
If I knew that the name would cause them any agmas nefesh there is no way I would use it!
Maybe I would give the name but call the baby by a different nickname or something...
Back to top

amother




OP
 

Post Tue, Feb 23 2021, 11:54 am
tichellady wrote:
It seems like you are assuming the worst of these parents


Why do you think that? I have nothing against them at all. I love them and their baby I just think they don’t realize how much agmas nefesh they are causing certain family members.
Back to top

amother




Papaya
 

Post Tue, Feb 23 2021, 11:57 am
My FIL is a bit of a difficult type.. he didn’t get along with my MILs mom. Her mom was opinionated and they clashed. My mil mom passed away and my sil named for her grandmother. My FIL literally can not say the name out of his mouth. I think it’s childish
Back to top

amother




OP
 

Post Tue, Feb 23 2021, 11:58 am
amother [ Tan ] wrote:
Oy OP im so sorry...
Its hard.
I personally am very into naming after people...it is such a kavod for the mes.
On the other hand, there is a matter of priorities here...its very nice and kavodik to name after someone, but the Torah says very strong things about someone who causes another person pain.
If I knew that the name would cause them any agmas nefesh there is no way I would use it!
Maybe I would give the name but call the baby by a different nickname or something...


Thank you. It really really is hard. I called my older sister last night and we were both crying. Mind you she doesn’t cry easily. It’s like a stab in the heart every time we hear the baby being called by this persons nickname.
I wish they could just use one of the other names.
Back to top

amother




OP
 

Post Tue, Feb 23 2021, 12:00 pm
amother [ Forestgreen ] wrote:
I chose to name one child with the same name as a friend of DH who had passed away young, and another child after DH's great-grandmother. This was MY choice, not DH's. I felt a certain closeness to these people because they were special to my husband.

I imagine that the DIL in your case heard a lot about the person that passed away through her husband, and she may have felt that this would be healing for him and bring a closeness for herself.

It is very unfortunate that this is bringing pain. People handle loss so differently, some find the memory of the person who passed on to be a comfort, others find it easier to put away the memories and take them out only in private.

In your case you are not given a choice, as the name is a constant reminder of pain you don't always want to think about.

If it is appropriate, can you speak to the parents of the baby sensitively, and ask them to consider using a different nickname? For my children, I find that nicknames sometimes change over time anyhow.

May Hashem bring you true comfort for your loss.


Thank you for this post. I would like to talk to them but I’m not sure how to go about it.
Back to top

amother




Forestgreen
 

Post Tue, Feb 23 2021, 12:37 pm
amother [ OP ] wrote:
Thank you for this post. I would like to talk to them but I’m not sure how to go about it.

Maybe something like, "Thank you so much for naming your child after ____. He is an adorable baby and bringing us so much nachas!

"It's totally not my place to say anything about your baby's name, but I wanted to ask you something. I'm still having a hard time getting over ____'s passing, it was so tragic and sudden that I've had a hard time processing it. Hearing his nickname is painful for me while it still feels so fresh.

"Would it be okay with you if we call him a different nickname for now, at least around me? I don't want to have such intense feelings every time I see your delicious baby."
Back to top

little neshamala




 
 
 
 

Post Tue, Feb 23 2021, 1:06 pm
amother [ OP ] wrote:
Is it right to call a baby after someone if doing so causes emotional pain to other family members?
A family member just named their baby after another family member who died young and in a tragic way. They decided to call the baby the exact nickname this person was called. Every time I or other family members hear the baby being called it causes us a lot of emotional pain Sad Sad Sad


Im assuming they dont realize its causing people pain, and are doing it for good intentions.
But if someone knows a nickname is causing someone else pain, then its pretty insensitive to use it. In fact, it may actually be wrong, but im no expert.
Back to top

agreer




 
 
 
 

Post Tue, Feb 23 2021, 1:59 pm
I once heard a story about a rav in Yerushalayim...I don't remember which one. Someone in his neighborhood wanted to give her child a name, which happened to be the name of her neighbor's child who had passed away. The Rav advised her not to give the name, because every time the mother would hear her neighbor calling her child to come inside, she would be saddened that her child with the same name died. He showed sensitivity towards the grieving mother.
Back to top
Recent Topics

Page 1 of 1 View latest: 24h 48h 72h


Post new topic   Reply to topic    Forum -> Pregnancy & Childbirth -> Baby Names

Related Topics Replies Last Post
Seeking dermatologist for baby with eczema 8 Fri, Apr 09 2021, 4:52 pm View last post
What do you call this
by amother
14 Thu, Apr 08 2021, 4:23 pm View last post
Formula fed baby diapers smell terrible
by amother
6 Thu, Apr 08 2021, 3:25 pm View last post
Baby whisperer help for baby 11 weeks old
by amother
37 Thu, Apr 08 2021, 11:07 am View last post
Finding the right Bais Medrash
by amother
5 Wed, Apr 07 2021, 8:52 pm View last post