Is it right to call a baby after someone if...

Home List of Forums + New Post Recipe Box Usergroups Following Log in

Join Now

| | | | |

Forum -> Pregnancy & Childbirth -> Baby Names

View latest: 24h 48h 72h

amother

Tue, Feb 23 2021, 1:51 am

Is it right to call a baby after someone if doing so causes emotional pain to other family members?
A family member just named their baby after another family member who died young and in a tragic way. They decided to call the baby the exact nickname this person was called. Every time I or other family members hear the baby being called it causes us a lot of emotional pain Sad

amother

Puce

Tue, Feb 23 2021, 1:58 am

I'm sorry that your family suffered this tragedy.

I'm sure that these people didn't name the baby with the intention of causing anyone pain. It may bring them great comfort to hear the name, and to know that the person was not forgotten.

amother

Orange

Tue, Feb 23 2021, 3:11 am

That must be so hard Sad

It might have been more sensitive to use it as a middle name....

amother

Tangerine

Tue, Feb 23 2021, 3:25 am

amother [ Puce ] wrote:

I agree with this... may have been done with the exact opposite intention...

amother

Khaki

Tue, Feb 23 2021, 3:30 am

So sorry for your pain.
It is not a question of right....everyone has the "right" to name and call their child whatever they want.
Everyone is different. One person's nechama is another's pain.
What is done is done.
Look for a way to gain closure and a different framing of this challenging situation. You can even be dklz. Maybe the spouse has a different association with this name and reason for naming.
hugs and hatzlocha

amother

Tue, Feb 23 2021, 10:49 am

amother [ Puce ] wrote:

The mother married into our family after this person passed away, so nothing to do with comfort. And I know the father wasn’t thrilled about using the exact nickname

amother

Forestgreen

Tue, Feb 23 2021, 11:17 am

I chose to name one child with the same name as a friend of DH who had passed away young, and another child after DH's great-grandmother. This was MY choice, not DH's. I felt a certain closeness to these people because they were special to my husband.

I imagine that the DIL in your case heard a lot about the person that passed away through her husband, and she may have felt that this would be healing for him and bring a closeness for herself.

It is very unfortunate that this is bringing pain. People handle loss so differently, some find the memory of the person who passed on to be a comfort, others find it easier to put away the memories and take them out only in private.

In your case you are not given a choice, as the name is a constant reminder of pain you don't always want to think about.

If it is appropriate, can you speak to the parents of the baby sensitively, and ask them to consider using a different nickname? For my children, I find that nicknames sometimes change over time anyhow.

May Hashem bring you true comfort for your loss.

tichellady

Tue, Feb 23 2021, 11:22 am

It seems like you are assuming the worst of these parents

amother

Tan

Tue, Feb 23 2021, 11:25 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

Oy OP im so sorry...
Its hard.
I personally am very into naming after people...it is such a kavod for the mes.
On the other hand, there is a matter of priorities here...its very nice and kavodik to name after someone, but the Torah says very strong things about someone who causes another person pain.
If I knew that the name would cause them any agmas nefesh there is no way I would use it!
Maybe I would give the name but call the baby by a different nickname or something...

amother

Tue, Feb 23 2021, 11:54 am

tichellady wrote:

It seems like you are assuming the worst of these parents

Why do you think that? I have nothing against them at all. I love them and their baby I just think they don’t realize how much agmas nefesh they are causing certain family members.

amother

Papaya

Tue, Feb 23 2021, 11:57 am

My FIL is a bit of a difficult type.. he didn’t get along with my MILs mom. Her mom was opinionated and they clashed. My mil mom passed away and my sil named for her grandmother. My FIL literally can not say the name out of his mouth. I think it’s childish

amother

Tue, Feb 23 2021, 11:58 am

amother [ Tan ] wrote:

Thank you. It really really is hard. I called my older sister last night and we were both crying. Mind you she doesn’t cry easily. It’s like a stab in the heart every time we hear the baby being called by this persons nickname.
I wish they could just use one of the other names.

amother

Tue, Feb 23 2021, 12:00 pm

amother [ Forestgreen ] wrote:

Thank you for this post. I would like to talk to them but I’m not sure how to go about it.

amother

Forestgreen

Tue, Feb 23 2021, 12:37 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

Thank you for this post. I would like to talk to them but I’m not sure how to go about it.

Maybe something like, "Thank you so much for naming your child after ____. He is an adorable baby and bringing us so much nachas!

"It's totally not my place to say anything about your baby's name, but I wanted to ask you something. I'm still having a hard time getting over ____'s passing, it was so tragic and sudden that I've had a hard time processing it. Hearing his nickname is painful for me while it still feels so fresh.

"Would it be okay with you if we call him a different nickname for now, at least around me? I don't want to have such intense feelings every time I see your delicious baby."

little neshamala

Tue, Feb 23 2021, 1:06 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

Im assuming they dont realize its causing people pain, and are doing it for good intentions.
But if someone knows a nickname is causing someone else pain, then its pretty insensitive to use it. In fact, it may actually be wrong, but im no expert.

agreer

Tue, Feb 23 2021, 1:59 pm

I once heard a story about a rav in Yerushalayim...I don't remember which one. Someone in his neighborhood wanted to give her child a name, which happened to be the name of her neighbor's child who had passed away. The Rav advised her not to give the name, because every time the mother would hear her neighbor calling her child to come inside, she would be saddened that her child with the same name died. He showed sensitivity towards the grieving mother.