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Help me survive shabbos with my 6 yo
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amother
OP


 

Post Sat, Feb 27 2021, 7:50 pm
He is a major homebody and refuses to go to a friend or even go to a friend to invite him here.
Shabbos began to look like this:
7 am Morning- he is sweet and fun and playful, builds lego and plays nicely with brother
830 am- begins to get wild
930 am- back to playing nicely
1030 am- is grumpy, doesn't want to get dresses for shabbos. Younger brother gets treat for getting dressed for shabbos, which makes him jealous and grumpier.
11 am- doesn't want to join for lunch meal. I talk with him, ask him if something is bothering him, tell him I love him and we all would love for him to join but it's his choice. He grunts a response, if he responds at all. He sometimes goes and locks himself in his room and bangs and makes a racket.
1130- he usually joins and ends up eating nicely
12- plays with brother
1-3- acts wild, fights with brother
3-4 we go outside, he plays nicely
4- I give a fruit and snack, shabbos party
5- acts so wild, fights with brother, I send him to his room after he has done all of the above: hit me, hurt his brother multiple times, acted chutzpadig to me and my husband, threw things around etc.
530- he comes down after he has re-set
7- pattern repeats himself. He is in his room now.

Now that shabbos is getting longer this is happening more frequently.
Friday's are easier; he watches videos, gets ready for shabbos, eats the seudah, we play board games....

Aaargh my husband and I are losing it! I want to parent with love and calm but it's so. Freaking. Hard!
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amother
Babyblue


 

Post Sat, Feb 27 2021, 7:53 pm
He needs more snacks and outdoor time.
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elisheva25




 
 
    
 

Post Sat, Feb 27 2021, 7:53 pm
You need to insist on play dates and not give him options.
Either in your house or send him out .
Sorry you can’t be responsible for entertaining a 6 year old all Shabbos long
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amother
Orchid


 

Post Sat, Feb 27 2021, 7:54 pm
Would he invite a friend if you went with him to the door?
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amother
OP


 

Post Sat, Feb 27 2021, 7:58 pm
amother [ Babyblue ] wrote:
He needs more snacks and outdoor time.


He had more snacks than I wrote. It's been snowy and rainy where I live so we don't have much ability to be outside for so long. Today happened to have been nice but it was muddy from the rain, so nowhere to play. He rode his scooter for an hour.
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amother
OP


 

Post Sat, Feb 27 2021, 7:59 pm
amother [ Orchid ] wrote:
Would he invite a friend if you went with him to the door?


No. He refuses. And I don't want to call the mothers etc because at this age I can't force friendships or get too involved- it's tricky already at this age.
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amother
OP


 

Post Sat, Feb 27 2021, 8:00 pm
elisheva25 wrote:
You need to insist on play dates and not give him options.
Either in your house or send him out .
Sorry you can’t be responsible for entertaining a 6 year old all Shabbos long


I can't insist. It's not right of me to insist and I don't want to feel like I'm kicking him out of the house. If a friend comes and he's not interested in playing, he will be rude and fight with the kid. This is not a realistic option.
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Rachel Shira




 
 
    
 

Post Sat, Feb 27 2021, 8:47 pm
It seems like he needs time alone to reset and that it helps him feel calmer after? I would schedule quiet time when everyone plays independently. Maybe once in the morning and once in the afternoon, just 15 minutes each. It’s probably a lot of together time with his brother and that leads to fighting. After each quiet time I would give a snack and make sure to do some quality playtime with them together or read a book or something to get the next chunk of time off to a calm start. Not a solution to everything, but maybe it will help.
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flower2




 
 
    
 

Post Sat, Feb 27 2021, 8:57 pm
Why not have him call a friend Wednesday or Thursday to set up to play on shabbos. Pick 3-4 kids and he has to try to call at least 2 of them to set something up in advance....
Or maybe take ur kids to shul to pick up your husband so he has a chance to bump into other boys and then he can invite someone over
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amother
cornflower


 

Post Sat, Feb 27 2021, 8:57 pm
Some things shouldn't be a choice. Like sitting at the shabbos meal. You shouldn't have to talk to him and beg him - he's not in charge....he's six! Where is your dh in all this? Boys need a father who is an authority figure and who won't stand for their son not being dressed and sitting at the shabbos table.

Do you give him a choice whether to attend school or not? Some things are not a choice and he can feel it.
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amother
Cerise


 

Post Sat, Feb 27 2021, 9:01 pm
Sounds very similar to my almost 6 yo son.
He stays in pajamas the entire shabbos and rarely sits at the table. Doesn't bother me in the slightest - he's just a little kid. (I did the same with my older kids and they do both these things beautifully now, they'll grow into it in their own time).
When he's getting wild I send him to his room for a "recharge" and he usually ends up staying much longer than my required 5 minutes. Once he's forced into it he enjoys the quiet/alone time and comes out much happier.
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amother
OP


 

Post Sat, Feb 27 2021, 9:10 pm
amother [ Cerise ] wrote:
Sounds very similar to my almost 6 yo son.
He stays in pajamas the entire shabbos and rarely sits at the table. Doesn't bother me in the slightest - he's just a little kid. (I did the same with my older kids and they do both these things beautifully now, they'll grow into it in their own time).
When he's getting wild I send him to his room for a "recharge" and he usually ends up staying much longer than my required 5 minutes. Once he's forced into it he enjoys the quiet/alone time and comes out much happier.


I don't need him to sit at the table. I just want him to know he is loved and wanted, not ignored.
I don't force him at all. If he'd be happily playing lego that would be fine with me. Today he wore pjs and a yarmulke, that was fine with me.
Going to room to recharge- he doesn't like to do it and makes a whole scene, banging doors and walls and yelling etc. He does calm down but he stays grumpy.

Re Rachel Shira, your idea of quiet time - he plays quietly in the morning sometimes but loses interest in quiet play until it's bedtime- and refuses to go play on his own.

Going to Shul and seeing if we meet people is a good idea, but until now weather has been awful and no one is outside- let's see what weather is in store.

Our neighbor used to be good friends with him and come over but neighbor is the youngest boy and feels comfortable tagging along with his older brothers and their friends, and has a lot of 7, 8 yr old friends. My son is the oldest and very timid, so their friendship kind of dissolved.
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amother
Ginger


 

Post Sat, Feb 27 2021, 11:27 pm
He sounds pretty normal. My 6 year old refuses to get dressed on shabbos since it is his only day not in yeshiva. (He does go to shul Friday night for part of the davening and davens the whole Kabolas shabbos) He alternates between playing nicely and fighting with his siblings. He joins the seuda part of the time. I don't make a big deal about it.
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amother
OP


 

Post Sat, Feb 27 2021, 11:37 pm
amother [ Ginger ] wrote:
He sounds pretty normal. My 6 year old refuses to get dressed on shabbos since it is his only day not in yeshiva. (He does go to shul Friday night for part of the davening and davens the whole Kabolas shabbos) He alternates between playing nicely and fighting with his siblings. He joins the seuda part of the time. I don't make a big deal about it.


How do you handle the fighting when a younger sibling is getting hurt?
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amother
Babyblue


 

Post Sun, Feb 28 2021, 1:19 am
Where are you and dh all day? Do you ever play board games or talk about parsha, or spend quality time with him.
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FranticFrummie




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Feb 28 2021, 8:23 am
When you are giving him snacks, is there any sugar or MSG in them?

Unhealthy nosh can cause behavior problems. Keep snacks to apples, carrot sticks, or a piece of kugel. Something that is "real food".

Keep in mind that even fruit juice sugars and diet sodas can also cause behavior problems.
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amother
Pearl


 

Post Sun, Feb 28 2021, 8:25 am
elisheva25 wrote:
You need to insist on play dates and not give him options.
Either in your house or send him out .
Sorry you can’t be responsible for entertaining a 6 year old all Shabbos long

What? She cannot just send her child out. She can tell him he needs to play quietly by himself, but he is her child and her responsibility, not the neighbors. Crazy.
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amother
Navy


 

Post Sun, Feb 28 2021, 8:47 am
You need to set aside special toys that are only brought out on Shabbos. Only bring them out once the kids are dressed nicely and have “helped” you set the table for the seudah.

It looks to me like your Shabbos is too unstructured and dh might do better with more of a schedule. You need to write out a schedule to post on the fridge that makes the day’s plan very clear. Don’t wait for him to get grouchy!! Have him switch activities BEFORE he typically loses it, like 15 min or so before you anticipate things going downhill.

Also, at that age I spent time Shabbos mornings reading to my kids and playing with them, maybe your kids would enjoy that? Shabbos mornings were cozy and fun bonding time (except for the times when they drove me out of my mind lol but for the most part it was great).

I don’t see a nap on your list, make sure the kids have a Shabbos shluffy right after the seudah!! Shabbos party is given out after the shluf to everyone who rested quietly.
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elisheva25




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Feb 28 2021, 8:50 am
amother [ Pearl ] wrote:
What? She cannot just send her child out. She can tell him he needs to play quietly by himself, but he is her child and her responsibility, not the neighbors. Crazy.

I didn’t mean just randomly send him out, I meant arrange a play date your house or another house
Don’t make an option
I am sorry but I don’t agree that a mother should provide full entertainment for a child who is 6 all Shabbos long
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amother
Pearl


 

Post Sun, Feb 28 2021, 8:53 am
elisheva25 wrote:
I didn’t mean just randomly send him out, I meant arrange a play date your house or another house
Don’t make an option
I am sorry but I don’t agree that a mother should provide full entertainment for a child who is 6 all Shabbos long


A mother deosn't need to provide entertainment BUT she should be responsible to teach her child how to provide himself with safe entertainment alone at home and not disturb adults.
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