Typical living room decor for simple non-gashmius oriented

etky

Mon, Mar 01 2021, 3:47 pm

Crookshanks wrote:

There obviously is a fine line. You can teach your children to be mistapek b'muat but at the end of the day, you're 25+ and have been alive for much longer than they have, parents can't expect their children to fall in line with everything they believe, especially when they are embarrassed of something.
OP doesn't sound as if she can't afford to replace a lamp or a window shade. If she can, it might be the right thing to listen to her children and take their needs and feelings into account.
Children have feelings, and don't necessarily see how the decisions their parents are making are better for them in the long run. Maybe it is objectively better to be satisfied with little, but you shouldn't stand on that principle and expect your children not to feel embarrassed/self conscious.

This.
It's often a matter of the community where the family lives. It's fine to be mistapek b'muat within a community that adheres to the same values. The kids won't feel different or weird or worse - less deserving - than their friends. But it's just not right to expect that children and adolescents who have a natural desire to fit in with their peer group will be OK with being different than their peers in a materialistic community, especially if 'different' is translated as 'lesser'.

amother

Blue

Mon, Mar 01 2021, 3:52 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

Please tell me what typical living rooms look like for non-gashmius oriented, simple people living in Lakewood. My teen daughters and I disagree about this. They would love a fancier look than what I think is appropriate for us. We are mid 40s with older and younger kids ka”h. Thanks for weighing in. Smile

I don't understand this. Your living room should look however you'd like your living room to look, within what you can afford on your budget. It does not have to make a statement to visitors that you are non-gashmius oriented.

You state they want something fancier than what you think is appropriate - rather than fancier than what you can afford. What is this??? We need to keep our house looking shleppy to impress the neighbors how non-gashmius oriented we are? We're on such a high level?

I'm sorry - I don't mean to be nasty - I just cannot understand this sort of thinking. If I've misunderstood then I apologize.

amother

Mon, Mar 01 2021, 4:12 pm

Nowhere did I say my house looks shleppy. Appropriate for us refers to how comfortable I (and dh) feel about our surroundings, as in does my home reflect my values. Not looking to “impress” other people, I’m friends with fancy people and not fancy and I don’t think my friends care at all about each others’ houses.

amother

Coffee

Mon, Mar 01 2021, 4:18 pm

amother [ Slateblue ] wrote:

I can’t help but respond. Again, where does this end? What if the father is learning in Kollel; that’s a lifestyle choice. A hashkafic choice. Should the father leave Kollel of his children want him too? What if a family lives OOT? And a child wants to live in a larger, in-town community? Should they move? What if it’s a Chabad Shalach and they live somewhere far flung: should they move back ‘home’ because one of the children ask? What about parents who want to make Aliyah? There are a million more examples of lifestyle decision that parents make, large and small, that children can find issue with. These may be questions for rabbanim and I’m not dismissing any of these but isn’t it a fine line between ‘living your principles’ and ‘sacrificing your children’?

I do think, in most of the cases above, that a family also needs to balance the needs of their kids with other factors.
I don't think it's fair to insist on staying as a shaliach in Antarctica if most of the children are miserable there.
Of course it's always a balancing act, but parents should acknowledge their children's concerns.

Again, it's a balancing act - a father shouldn't quit kollel if they are managing financially and the kids are just embarrassed about it, for example.

amother

Amethyst

Mon, Mar 01 2021, 4:30 pm

[quote="amother [ OP ]"as in does my home reflect my values.[/quote]
We are not talking about putting in internet or a tv or filling your home with magazines! Who are you worried about chas vishalom seeing a new pillow or bright lights that makes your children happy and smile and be cheerful and proud of their home. Who do you need to show off these “values” to?? Something is lacking here. You sound proud and holier than thou with cold hard “principles”

amother

Mon, Mar 01 2021, 4:44 pm

You literally know next to nothing about me but you feel comfortable attacking and insulting me? There are actually real people behind each post on here. I know the internet can seem like an alternative world that isn’t real and the things you say there don’t really count, but I am very real.

It’s odd how I can post something light, and next thing you know people who don’t know me decide that I’m a horrible mother and my poor kids must be protected from me.

It would be interesting to track how many neutral threads here disintegrate into bashing. I think the percentage would be pretty high, and I don’t quite understand why.

small bean

Mon, Mar 01 2021, 4:53 pm

OP, I'm in lakewood and with you. I would see no reason to update perfectly functional things and my kids love to tell me about this. I'm younger than you.

I actually thibk it's enough to let the kids express themselves about their decorating tastes without changing anything. I think it's healthy actually not to accomidate everything.

When it comes to their rooms and clothes and toys and whatever, I'm very ipen to hearing what they want. Getting then what they need to fit in.

My house is the way I like it, warm, inviting, lived in, fun. Not up to date, and they are okay with it even when they say it's not up to date or talk about we can change.

amother

Blue

Mon, Mar 01 2021, 5:08 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

Ok, but you do start out asking about other people's living rooms:

Please tell me what typical living rooms look like for non-gashmius oriented, simple people living in Lakewood.

So it seems like it is important to you to fit a certain mold and you do care about how your living room presents to others.

In any case, my point remains, your living room should look however you would like it to look. I don't know why it has to be symbolic of your values.

For many years I had plain looking hand me down furniture because that's what we could afford. When I could afford to buy better things that brought me joy, I did it. I didn't stop to reflect on what my sofa, lamp, or rugs say about me. I hope I am judged more for my words and behavior than by my light fixtures and coffee table.

Summary: Do whatever you want and don't overthink it.

amother

Mon, Mar 01 2021, 5:56 pm

Nah, I posted asking that because my teens and I were having a friendly disagreement about how families like ours decorate. You know how teens are experts in everything. I was quite sure they were wrong but even if every response had said go fancy, I would still be ok with how my house currently is. I just posted because it was a quiet Sunday and I was in the mood of a frivolous discussion. 😄

amother

Linen

Mon, Mar 01 2021, 6:51 pm

All right OP, here's your frivolous discussion. Broken down couch, second hand from a relative. Second hand piano. Pretty (cheap) painting over said piano. Table and ten chairs. Mismatched bookcases filled with sefarim. Assorted gedolim pictures. Nothing too earth shattering or different going on here.

amother

Pumpkin

Mon, Mar 01 2021, 9:28 pm

Love this thread. I don't live in lakewood but I am familiar with the scene. It is very confusing to me how many of the homes are so stylish and updated. I am not criticizing each individual but it is confusing for me to wrap my head around.
I have a decent size home and I can BH afford to buy nice furniture and keep things updated. To be honest, I like styling things and I think it would be fun and creative for me. However, I feel that it is not appropriate for me to spend time and energy into such an updated home. So many people are struggling financially in our frum world. I feel that when we venture into updating and styling home, it can easily become part of our obsession and addictive. So while it's true that if you can afford it their is nothing wrong with it, it's just that this type of stuff can become very all consuming and we identify ourselves with that image. It becomes what ladies schmooze abt, it becomes what we stress abt- what type of flooring, what wall art, what type lamp. And then it becomes what our teens worry and are self conscious about. Hours and hours and constant talk abt this stuff. I don't know. I find too much materialism addictive and damaging to our communities. Thier are so many mitzvos to do. So many people to help. Why are we going to homegoods yet again to find this particular thing, back again to return it, back again to get a different size. Why are we spending hours looking for the exact shade of paint. I guess it's an outlet and self care for some. Curious your thoughts.
No judgement. Just rambling.

amother

Cyan

Mon, Mar 01 2021, 10:36 pm

I don’t have a simple house to impress my neighbors it’s bec I’m happy like that.

A very good friend of mine is constantly redecorating. A new couch, new rug, new bookcase painting. And she is never happy with it. She spent so much money but the painting doesn’t add. The rug is too big. The couch is to stiff. Etc. let’s rearrange this. There is never an end to what is needed. And by the time your done it’s outdated or ‘old’.

I just find peace in the functional. And I hope my kids will too.