Typical living room decor for simple non-gashmius oriented

amother

Ecru

Mon, Mar 01 2021, 11:41 am

I do care. I like pretty things, I have a lot of appreciation for a beautiful home. But my house isn't. And if my kids complained, it would be very justified. However, OP's home sounds just fine the way it is.

Maybe OP can offer her teens $50 towards their rooms or if they would prefer to use it for something to update the living room. I don't think she has to sit down with them with a plan to redecorate. She can tell them that she's fine with them and supportive of their needs without needing to actually join them.

amother

Slateblue

Mon, Mar 01 2021, 11:46 am

Chayalle wrote:

She should not nurture materialism. But she should nurture her children.

Every child is different. Some children need certain things. You nurture that, within reason.

I have one DD who hates shopping. I have to push her to shop, because she does need clothes in her closet.

Another DD is creative and likes nice things. It's almost like air to her, she needs something new every now and then. It can be a hand-me-down, if it's nice and current and looks good on her. I teach her to shop sales, be thrifty, and look for things that appeal to her but are not crazy expensive. It helps her feel good. I recently updated the linen in her bedroom - from IKEA and not at all expensive - and it's like a breath of fresh air for her.

Know your kids and nurture their needs. Each one is different.

I would agree if it were about the teens clothes, shoes, hair, backpack, coat.. Even HER room. She should certainly carry herself in a way she feels comfortable and that makes her proud of her appearance. I don’t think that redoing the living room (in her parents house) is an extension of her.

amother

Mon, Mar 01 2021, 11:48 am

Just to clarify, when I said my daughters and I disagree I didn’t mean that my daughters are ashamed or mortified or feel I don’t care about them ch”v. They hang out for hours in the living room with their friends and have a great time shmoozing and eating up everything in the snack cupboard!

I was raised by parents who had the same perspective. They prioritized giving tzedakah and saving for the future. It’s very ingrained in me. I don’t enjoy spending on non-necessities when there are so many people struggling to cover their rent or buy groceries. It’s a much better feeling to give (for me).

Crookshanks

Mon, Mar 01 2021, 11:50 am

amother [ Slateblue ] wrote:

Of course it is. It's the first thing her friends see when they enter her house. I'd also be mortified if my parents living room looked 1,000 years old and I was in high school. In fact, I probably was. And my sisters probably are.

amother

Seagreen

Mon, Mar 01 2021, 11:54 am

Crookshanks wrote:

Does your mother not care about the decor or simply can’t afford to do anything about it? I was that embarrassed teen many years ago... I feel for anyone who is embarrassed to invite people into their homes.

amother

Slateblue

Mon, Mar 01 2021, 11:56 am

Crookshanks wrote:

It’s a reflection of her parents (OP) as they are the ones who chose the decor and paid for it.

I think we have to agree to disagree: we see this too differently to form common ground

Crookshanks

Mon, Mar 01 2021, 12:02 pm

amother [ Slateblue ] wrote:

It’s a reflection of her parents (OP) as they are the ones who chose the decor and paid for it.

I think we have to agree to disagree: we see this too differently to form common ground

It's a reflection of their values not style. If they would simply have a different style that would be one thing (Modern/Traditional etc). This is between up to date and out of style.

amother

Mint

Mon, Mar 01 2021, 12:13 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

Do you agree with me that lamps you bought 2 decades ago that still work fine shouldn’t be replaced with lamps that have a more up to date look? Ditto for blinds that still are in great condition but teens feel are dated?

I consider myself quite simple. For these specific examples- even in my rental I would update. There are reasonable, fresh alternatives and they give a harchavas hadaas.

We got blinds from Home Depot. Fresh and clean, not stylish but the clean look happens to be in style. And lamps at target.

amother

Cyan

Mon, Mar 01 2021, 12:16 pm

amother [ Mint ] wrote:

Just bec shades are 20 yrs old doesn’t mean they are dirty. I have the old style fabric verticals. I take them down and wash regularly
Just bec one ones house is dated doesn’t mean it’s dirty or lacks hygiene.

amother

Cyan

Mon, Mar 01 2021, 12:27 pm

Crookshanks wrote:

Those are fabric blinds. Blinds from 15 years ago, particularly in houses with small children, are frequently dirty and ripped.

We’ve taken ours to be repaired. The store the original home owners bought them from give lifetime warranty so I’m assuming they are better quality. They are also pretty strong. The ones around my dining room table are cream!! And I have a large family. They get washed in my machine.
They are dated. But don’t look dirty.

There seems to be an underlying theme that new and stylish = clean and functional.

amother

Mint

Mon, Mar 01 2021, 2:11 pm

amother [ Cyan ] wrote:

I didn’t mean clean as in not dirty. I meant visually uncluttered and simple if that makes sense. There’s no one right or wrong here. It’s a matter of taste.

etky

Mon, Mar 01 2021, 3:10 pm

This is such an interesting thread and I have to say that I relate both to OP's position and to those posters who are advocating for giving OP's teens a say in the living room decor.

I am one of those people who grew up in a rigidly anti-materialistic, non-conformist home and who paid an emotional/social price for having certain needs ignored by my parents. When a parent prioritizes an ideology over a child's psychological need that child is getting a message that in some respect they don't matter. I advise being very careful with this.

On the other hand, the older I get, the more like my parents I have become and, at heart, I also am very non-materialistic. So I now very much understand where they were coming from and I really empathize and agree with OP's stance on downplaying the material aspect of life and not falling in line with the constant pressure to 'consume'.
I am very lucky that for my kids this has always been a non-issue both because of their personalities and of the environment in which they were raised, otherwise this could have been a big parenting problem for me.

The one point that I do want to take issue with is the conflation on this thread of materialism with an appreciation of aesthetics and with sensory gratification from things like proper lighting and physical comfort. To me materialism means a preoccupation with acquiring and accumulating material things as a means to acquire social status and approval. Someone who redecorates their living room in order to gratify their aesthetic sense or that of their home's inhabitants and to increase the physical comfort level is not acting out of materialistic urges but rather from concern for their family's needs. For some people being surrounded by pleasing home decor is a real need that has emotional ramifications.

I agree with the posters who encourage OP to investigate the root of her childrens' request to change up the living room decor. That said, even if the childrens' needs turn out to be socially motivated I would think long and hard before dismissing their request. Ideally some type of compromise could be worked out so that the children feel that their needs were acknowledged in some way.

Crookshanks

Mon, Mar 01 2021, 3:16 pm

etky wrote:

I am one of those people who grew up in a rigidly anti-materialistic, non-conformist home and who paid an emotional/social price for having certain needs ignored by my parents. When a parent prioritizes an ideology over a child's psychological need that child is getting a message that in some respect they don't matter. I advise being very careful with this.

This.
Your children should not be sacrificed on the altar of your principles.

amother

Slateblue

Mon, Mar 01 2021, 3:25 pm

Crookshanks wrote:

This.
Your children should not be sacrificed on the altar of your principles.

I can’t help but respond. Again, where does this end? What if the father is learning in Kollel; that’s a lifestyle choice. A hashkafic choice. Should the father leave Kollel of his children want him too? What if a family lives OOT? And a child wants to live in a larger, in-town community? Should they move? What if it’s a Chabad Shalach and they live somewhere far flung: should they move back ‘home’ because one of the children ask? What about parents who want to make Aliyah? There are a million more examples of lifestyle decision that parents make, large and small, that children can find issue with. These may be questions for rabbanim and I’m not dismissing any of these but isn’t it a fine line between ‘living your principles’ and ‘sacrificing your children’?

Crookshanks

Mon, Mar 01 2021, 3:32 pm

There obviously is a fine line. You can teach your children to be mistapek b'muat but at the end of the day, you're 25+ and have been alive for much longer than they have, parents can't expect their children to fall in line with everything they believe, especially when they are embarrassed of something.
OP doesn't sound as if she can't afford to replace a lamp or a window shade. If she can, it might be the right thing to listen to her children and take their needs and feelings into account.
Children have feelings, and don't necessarily see how the decisions their parents are making are better for them in the long run. Maybe it is objectively better to be satisfied with little, but you shouldn't stand on that principle and expect your children not to feel embarrassed/self conscious.

imaima

Mon, Mar 01 2021, 3:33 pm

amother [ Slateblue ] wrote:

my opinion is that parents should compensate in other ways. Like, if they are shlichim in a remote place, at least they should have a nice home, money, an opportunity to travel to larger communities. Otherwise what is there for the kids? There has to be something that would make kids feel good about themselves especially when surrounded with a different culture.