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Pre teen DD behavioral theatrics

 
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amother




OP
 

Post Tue, Mar 02 2021, 11:26 pm
I have so little patience for my youngest DD's theatrics. She is who she is and yet many of her behaviors or reactions just irk me. She still stomps her feet in place when she doesn't get her way, the way a 4 yr old would. Or refuses to do a chore she doesn't want to do. It's an age appropriate chore and yet she will sometimes have this reaction.

She misplaced her glasses yesterday in the afternoon and today, right before bedtime, it was a sudden emergency and the end of the world she couldn't find them so they must be lost and gone forever. Crying and sobbing and then hurling "I hate yous" at me when I'm trying to help her look and come across things she doesn't want me to see. Like food trash stuff in the corned and Shabbos clothes not hung up properly but in a wad at the bottom of her closet and garbage. And of course, I can't help but point it out and my disappointment in her not following through with cleaning up after herself or taking care of her things. (Yes, I know. Not the right time to say this but by this point, my patience has worn thin though I know after the fact that it's just adding salt to the wound.) And yet, I'm surprised she can find anything in her room it's so disheveled. After less than 5 minutes of looking, all is lost to her.

She hurts her ankle at gym class and there is clearly nothing visibly wrong and even the mechanism of injury is minimal. She will go on and on and on, day after day, and we will take her to the doctor in the off chance something "weird" has happened. As soon as we do this, she is better by the next day. This has happened on multiple occasions regarding different body parts and injuries over the years.

My point is, I find myself with little empathy when she suddenly and often turns into this person crying and temper tampering or complaining and losing it. I have experienced my limit of "losing it" behavior and meltdowns over the years. All of my kids have had their melt down moments from time to time. But hers just seems to linger. Like she is stuck at a certain maturity level and can't get any higher. And I'm so tired. Somehow between us as parents and her being the youngest DC, we have fostered this behavior. And I don't know how to fix it because as soon as it happens, I just lose my composure and empathy. I'm burnt out and just don't have it in me. I wish I could be one of those moms, as soon as she starts to frett, I put an arm around her and hug her and say, "don't worry, it will be okay" and then that will work and she will feel better. But instead, I am instantly annoyed at a hint of panic and the smell of a melt down just turns me off. Oh, I've tried to be the compassionate, patient mom too. Just seems to make the whole episode last longer and worse.

I guess the point of this post is me acknowledging that somewhere in the past, I messed up more than one too many times or I have some personality fault that has gotten us to this point and I'm just stone cold.
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amother




Babypink
 

Post Wed, Mar 03 2021, 12:07 am
It sounds fairly typical, maybe a little excessive. Did you ever try ignoring her drama?
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amother




Cerulean
 

Post Wed, Mar 03 2021, 12:16 am
Have you had her evaluated for anything?
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amother




Amber
 

Post Wed, Mar 03 2021, 12:17 am
She's begging for attention, kids often default to begging for negative attention because they will get the reaction. To break the cycle start offering positive attention on your own. Take her out for lunch, do projects together, buy her a treat just because etc...
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#BestBubby




 
 
 
 

Post Wed, Mar 03 2021, 1:12 am
If any child said "I hate you" to me while I am helping them, I would immediately cease and
leave them to figure it out on their own.

And they would not get anything from me until I receive a written apology.
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#BestBubby




 
 
 
 

Post Wed, Mar 03 2021, 1:13 am
If a child refuses to do a chore, she should lose privileges.

After all, privileges are for OLDER children who carry out responsibilities, not for the little kids.
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amother




Coral
 

Post Wed, Mar 03 2021, 1:25 am
Did I just write this or did you write my daughters story/my reactions to a T??
How old is your daughter op?
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#BestBubby




 
 
 
 

Post Wed, Mar 03 2021, 1:41 am
Kids are acting like spoiled brats because they are allowed to get away with it.
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amother




Chartreuse
 

Post Wed, Mar 03 2021, 1:44 am
It's comforting to know I'm not the only one with a hormonal drama queen on my hands. I thought I would help her channel this flair for the dramatic into something productive and sign her up for a drama class but she was uninterested. The performances are only for me.
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amother




Powderblue
 

Post Wed, Mar 03 2021, 1:46 am
amother [ Coral ] wrote:
Did I just write this or did you write my daughters story/my reactions to a T??
How old is your daughter op?


It is me and my daughter and her room.
She was like this just a couple of years ago.
Seriously corona saved her. I feel like the chance to sleep in and not go to school has taken a major load off her nervous system. She mellowed and matured a lot.
And stopped bedwetting.
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amother




Powderblue
 

Post Wed, Mar 03 2021, 1:54 am
#BestBubby wrote:
If a child refuses to do a chore, she should lose privileges.

After all, privileges are for OLDER children who carry out responsibilities, not for the little kids.


I did not get far with these methods. I do use them with younger kids but that did not go well with a pre teen girl, who was really actually starting puberty at 7-8.

Girls may already be in a hormonal turmoil and they may actually not know what the hell is going on with them. Playing around with consequences seems cruel to me, just like it would be cruel to make fun of a grown up woman who is emotional during her PMS, or to take away her chocolate because she didn't wipe counters due to abdominal pain.

Aparr from actual lifestyle changes, another thing is a constant teamwork mentality. It does need your hand on attention. Like, let's clean your room together. Etc. They respond better to that.
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amother




Chocolate
 

Post Wed, Mar 03 2021, 2:08 am
Sounds like she needs some good positive attention and quality time with her mother.
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amother




Coral
 

Post Wed, Mar 03 2021, 6:43 pm
amother [ Powderblue ] wrote:
It is me and my daughter and her room.
She was like this just a couple of years ago.
Seriously corona saved her. I feel like the chance to sleep in and not go to school has taken a major load off her nervous system. She mellowed and matured a lot.
And stopped bedwetting.

Omg! This
But all went back to “regular” once school resumed..l
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amother




Coral
 

Post Wed, Mar 03 2021, 6:44 pm
amother [ Powderblue ] wrote:
I did not get far with these methods. I do use them with younger kids but that did not go well with a pre teen girl, who was really actually starting puberty at 7-8.

Girls may already be in a hormonal turmoil and they may actually not know what the hell is going on with them. Playing around with consequences seems cruel to me, just like it would be cruel to make fun of a grown up woman who is emotional during her PMS, or to take away her chocolate because she didn't wipe counters due to abdominal pain.

Aparr from actual lifestyle changes, another thing is a constant teamwork mentality. It does need your hand on attention. Like, let's clean your room together. Etc. They respond better to that.

Tell me more please- how can I know if this is at play?
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amother




Silver
 

Post Wed, Mar 03 2021, 7:11 pm
I also have a really hard time with my almost 11 yr old. What's best way to deal with it?
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amother




Amber
 

Post Wed, Mar 03 2021, 8:14 pm
amother [ Coral ] wrote:
Tell me more please- how can I know if this is at play?


It usually starts with breast buds, you can feel a hard lump or see them start to pop out
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