If your parents are abusive (re: siblings)

amother

Brown

Wed, Mar 03 2021, 11:19 pm

You should know that you should report to CPS anyway, even if they don't do anything. I have reported before. Do it anonymously. Be brave and do it for the kids!

It goes on the person's record. And if there are enough reports, something may actually be done. Or even if the person gets pulled over for running a red light, that info pops up for the police officer to see. And if there are kids in the car and something funky is happening, things might be done as well.

amother

Royalblue

Thu, Mar 04 2021, 12:00 am

womanwithaplan wrote:

I have a neighbor who is clearly abusing his kids. I do not want to be a silent witness to their pain, but am lost as to whom to contact about this??

I've heard too much about Rabbanim not doing anything or even making matters worse. And the school is known to take a stance of not getting involved. Any ideas on how to help these poor kids?

You must do something! You cannot stand silently when you have that info. You must tell people that can and will help! I grew up in that type of situation where I dreamed that someone would just tell on my horribly abusive step father. We lived in a building. EVERYONE KNEW! Good , nice capable people and NO ONE did anything!

amother

Floralwhite

Thu, Mar 04 2021, 9:45 am

amother [ Royalblue ] wrote:

I grew up in that type of situation where I dreamed that someone would just tell on my horribly abusive step father. We lived in a building. EVERYONE KNEW! Good , nice capable people and NO ONE did anything!

Same. This was the most painful part. We lived in a condominium too surrounded by many normal healthy people, they heard the screaming and crying and did nothing. Just gossiped behind our backs that our parents are crazy.

amother

Yellow

Thu, Mar 04 2021, 9:57 am

I grew up with two abusive parents. My oldest sister went OTD for those days, which is, she stayed frum but became more modern than my family, married a more modern guy, and established a warm family unit. My parents limited our contact with her and her family and forbade me to go there. As a teen, I rebelled against that and went as often as I could, knowing the stability would save my sanity. I went to Israel for sem and stayed for two years, also got my degree during that time which freed me financially from needing my parents. Came back and got married.

I tried my hardest to keep the door open for my siblings. Because I was more frum, my parents allowed them to come. At a certain point, I also began hosting my parents and siblings for Pesach and Succos. I always encouraged my siblings to come early to "help" knowing they couldn't wait to come (and they did help, but not the type of slave labor my parents were in to. more like taking my kids to the park and pizza while I cleaned and cooked, etc...) They also came every time they had a school break. They came when I had a new baby. Every situation in my home was an excuse to get them here. I also set rules for my parents about how they had to behave in my home, which they didn't always keep.....

I also used my Maaser money to fund camp for them in the summer. (I never went to camp myself, my parents would never have paid for it although my father had a comfortable job.) I was a haven for them.

At this point they are married and have stable families of their own. I have one sibling who is not stable. She is not much younger than me, and did not have anyone looking out for her. She's a traumatized and difficult person who married a difficult and challenging guy. Their oldest daughter is normal, and I try to do what I can for her. Last year I raised the money to pay for her seminary. She did beautifully, but sadly her year was cut short by COVID and she's back in that crazy house. I do what I can. I recently bought her a laptop, and she's in school doing zoom classes, getting her degree in a field she also works in. Hopefully she will get herself out of that dysfunction. She has what it takes, but it's an uphill battle.

OP - trust me I tried. I never got my parents to take meds or do therapy. They totally don't believe in that and think they are above such "stupidities". Never gonna happen. My siblings OTOH have done better, and most of us have gone to therapy on our own and rebuilt ourselves.

amother

Tangerine

Thu, Mar 04 2021, 10:04 am

amother [ Yellow ] wrote:

Wow, you sound super incredible and strong!