Dealing with constant school reports of DC’s behavior

amother

Mon, Mar 08 2021, 5:07 pm

How do you deal with the teachers and principals constantly telling you about your child’s behaviors and antics? I know we need to keep communication open. They’re not angry or threatening. But I honestly don’t know how to respond to all that. I ask them for advice, listen openly. We’re doing whatever we can, medication/therapy.

But I feel hopeless and helpless. I dread those calls. I dread pickup/dropoff. What exactly am I supposed to say?

amother

Pewter

Mon, Mar 08 2021, 5:13 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

Im so sorry, Im in the same boat. I could have written this!!

I need them to keep being in contact, but I also dont want to hear. its just too much.

My son has a book where they write in every day and it makes me so depressed to read it, even though I begged them to please lmk everything!

Ihave no idea what to write back!!

kol hakovod you are doing everything you can.

My son is not on meds and on very limited yherapy at the moment , and its very tough.

amother

Aubergine

Mon, Mar 08 2021, 5:18 pm

Thank them for letting you know. Remind them of how you’re dealing with it.
If you’re not feeling up to it, smile and nod. You can’t do more than you can do.
If it gets too much, ask them point blank why they are sharing this with you. What exactly do they want to see from you? I’ve said as much and the teacher said, I just think you as a parent should be aware. So I thanked her. Like I wasn’t aware? Whatever, she clearly meant well. So thanks.

amother

Mon, Mar 08 2021, 5:35 pm

amother [ Aubergine ] wrote:

I’ve said as much and the teacher said, I just think you as a parent should be aware. So I thanked her. Like I wasn’t aware? Whatever, she clearly meant well. So thanks.

Exactly what they say.

amother

Forestgreen

Mon, Mar 08 2021, 5:41 pm

Form whatever reason they feel the need to let you know (how hard it is for them, to keep you in the loop...)
Maybe suggest that every couple weeks they focus on one particular behavior, and report to you on that behavior ONLY.
Let them know that you’ll be working on that behavior as well at home, and that you’d like to hear any progress they’re seeing in addition to any issues they’ve had during that time period with that one behavior only.
This should empower both you and the school, helping them feel that you’re on the same page.

Petra

Mon, Mar 08 2021, 5:51 pm

Perhaps have a group meeting with you, teacher, principal, school social worker (if they have) and come up with a game plan that is satisfying for all. You said DC has therapy as well. Bring suggestions as recommended by the therapist.

I agree. It's tedious to hear every day how your child has again misbehaved. Doesn't sound constructive.

You need a plan that involves staff, that is constructive. They aren't babysitters. They are supposed to be educators and helping your DC to grow and develop.

I have similar experience and above approach is what we did. In the end, my DC needed a totally new and fresh start.

amother

Floralwhite

Mon, Mar 08 2021, 6:07 pm

Only if the behaviour or action was destructive or needed immediate attention should they call.
Otherwise, a once weekly update with positive notes, describing the situation and the solutions and results, is more than enough.
If the teacher/ therapist writes daily in a notebook. It should be sent home over shabbos. You can read it with the child and discuss and brainstorm together
Daily updates overwhelm everybody and end up frustrating and causing too much negativity.

amother

Puce

Mon, Mar 08 2021, 7:28 pm

BTDT. Hugs mama. It's so hard. Our school did something similar to yours for years. Negative phone calls, text mesages, daily written reports that focused on the problems. Of course, DS internalized the way that the teachers and boys perceived him, which fed into his behavior even more, because he was the "trouble maker". Therapy also made him feel like something was wrong with him. Our lives literally revolved around DS's behaviors and no matter what approach we took (consequences, strategies with DS, therapy sessions etc.) it didn't work because it just made him feel worse about himself which fed into his self-concept that he's a trouble maker.

Would you be able to suggest that they stop with the negative written reports and phone calls and use the time they're using for that to write/call about the positive things DC did that day? Meanwhile, you focus on the positive reinforcement at home, even when the negative behavior is so much more tempting to focus on. It may be hard for them to come up with things in the beginning, but if they do it for long enough you may see a change in DC's behavior. It won't happen overnight, but slowly you may notice a change.

Obviously if something bad happens that you need to know about, then they should call you (NOT write about it and send it home with DC) but it definitely shouldn't be a daily thing.

amother

Silver

Tue, Mar 09 2021, 10:14 pm

Going through the same with my son.
The school gave us a choice to either medicate him or we have to find another school for him.
The rebbe makes him out as a trouble maker and the boys pick up on it and tease him.

I used to like the school very much but not anymore.
I'm looking into other schools.
It's really hard.

amother

Seashell

Tue, Mar 09 2021, 10:27 pm

First, request a meeting with the school's principals, special ed director, and social worker. Invite your son's therapist too. Request that your son's therapist observe your son in school a couple of times and create an behavioral/educational plan together with the school team. Try to get to the bottom of the behaviors (academics not appropriate, classroom too loud, poor impulse control, bullying, etc) and then create supports addressing all those functions. Unfortunately, we have been down this path for a couple of years already. Creating a good support team and support plan is key. If all else fails, then pull out and homeschool.
Good luck! It's definitely emotionally draining!

amother

Seashell

Tue, Mar 09 2021, 10:29 pm

amother [ Seashell ] wrote:

And of course you need to find a super supportive and capable private therapist to help you support your son! It makes such a difference to have someone!

amother

Bronze

Tue, Mar 09 2021, 11:11 pm

Hang in there. It's so discouraging to constantly hear negative feed back about your child. You live with the child, your well aware of dcs struggles. I recently had the same issue with my dc. After hearing one too many times about the problems, I politely told the teacher how discouraging and painful it is to constantly hear the negative reports and can she please also share when she has a good day or success. It's so challenging raising children with adhd. yes, it's important to have good communication and work closely with the school but we mommy's need the chizuk too. Every child has positive qualities too and you can let the school know you also want to hear about that as well. I can't say I get as much postive feed back as I do negative but if you remind them regularly that you want to hear about what went right in dcs day , they hopefully will start looking for it and focusing a little more on the positive as well. Hatzlocha and my you see much nachad from your dc

STMommy

Wed, Mar 10 2021, 8:54 am

Ask for a team meeting where you will request that ONE school representative from the team (teacher, psychologist, etc) be your liason and send you a weekly summary e-mail. Explain that it is actually hindering child's treatment to be hearing from multiple people too frequently and that a streamlined approach will help you better relay information to child's doctors. Hope that helps.