I'm not cut out for being a frum jew

amother

Silver

Wed, Mar 10 2021, 2:28 am

Yes it is sometimes REALLY hard and overwhelming! You deserve more support in your life, because doing all the things you're doing is A LOT.

I hope it will get easier soon!

If you want tips and shortcuts, share what's hardest for you - I use as many shortcuts as I can.

Pesach especially can make me feel inadequate, when everyone seems to be polishing furniture and toothpick cleaning their electric sockets in their spotless home, and I can't even manage to check the kids' pockets for cookies. But we go through different seasons, and this year I might even go into Pesach with a clean bathroom!

And to address the words you actually used, you ARE cut out for this. That's what Hashem built you for. And the proof? You ARE doing this.

(It's like when I cry during labor that I can't do this, and the midwife kindly points out that I actually AM doing it. And so are you.)

Hugs OP! We're all in this, and sometimes it's a real struggle. We don't have to sail through it, many of us don't. It sounds like you're headed in the right direction, and lots of us are slogging along right next to you.

DrMom

Wed, Mar 10 2021, 2:56 am

Figure out what is a *must* and what is added due to community pressure/norms.

AFAIK, many will say that the mitzvah of pru urvu (which is technically on your DH, not you) is fulfilled when you have 1 child of each gender. You do not need to give birth to 17 children if you don't want to.

amother

Powderblue

Wed, Mar 10 2021, 2:59 am

I want to chime in and say you are not alone. I am struggling with intense TH issues at the moment affecting my mental health as well as DH. The strain on our relationship is tremendous. And Pesach? Yamin tovim? We can barely manage during regular times. Yt with the added expenses, pressures, kids home from school for extended time while we both continue to work.... I often feel like I'm in a pressure cooker. No tips, just know you are not alone.

amother

Khaki

Wed, Mar 10 2021, 3:15 am

You can do this!!! You are strong and amazing, and fantastic admitting that the way things are going isn’t working
It seems like the way things are going doesn’t work for you, so you need to change it. Please reach out to someone that can help you with that. You don’t have to feel this way and you don’t deserve to feel this way!
There are many pressures that may get to someone especially in today’s world. In that case we need to see what we can do to alleviate those pressures
Just remember, a lot of the particular pressures you mentioned may not be related in a Halacha way but rather the way society dictates.
For example, pesach is coming up. Find out what needs to be done, especially in your situation, as opposed to what ppl normally do. You’ll find that rabbonim aren’t in agreement that most things we do is what needs to be done according to Halacha. I was so under pressure about cleaning my couch perfectly and I couldn’t take it anymore. Dh told me that our couch (I can’t speak for everyone) needs a minimal wipe down in certain areas and he will do it. I was so relieved to understand what actually needed to get done.
Also with Taharas hamishpacha. I really struggled with some things. My rav couldn’t find a heter for some things to be adjusted so with my husband they called a gadol and they found heterim to work for me. And my rav is a respected posek in ey!
Do not be embarrassed to reach out to a rav that can help you. Please please reach out for the right help. It’s there and I’m sure you can find the right way to do things

amother

Violet

Wed, Mar 10 2021, 3:29 am

please review your MUSTS.
No1 is allowed to pressure you!!!!
When my daughter was born now (I have 1 boy) my husband all smiles told me, we fulfilled the mitzvah of pru urvu.

P.s. We are very chassidish, no1 is going to pressure me! Find it within yourself to do whats good for you and not the people around you!

amother

Copper

Wed, Mar 10 2021, 5:48 pm

amother [ Seafoam ] wrote:

There's no such thing as not being cut out for being a Jew. A Jew is who you are, whether you like it or not- you were born a Jew and will always be a Jew. You just need to find your derech.

She said frum Jew. Not just Jew, frum Jew. HUGE difference.

amother

Coffee

Wed, Mar 10 2021, 6:05 pm

OP. You got this. Try and focus on true frumkeit and not societal frumkeit. And take all heterim. That's why they are there. We had big TH issues and after some awful phone conversations with rabbanim found our outstanding posek.
Regarding pesach. Last year was our first doing it alone and this year will be our second. Follow halacha and that's it. Get rid of the chametz. Guess what? Crumbs are dust, not chametz. (And on that topic I have 2 friends who dumped Judaism entirely because before pesach their BT program had them scrubbing kids toys with a toothbrush in mattesdorf.) Use disposable everything. Keep it super simple. And on the topic of expenses...
Our kids are (I hope) leading happy God-fearing lives. This, even though they wear carters and h and m. It wouldn't cross my mind to shop at frum stores. And in any case, my husband thinks boys look ridiculous in leggings lol. Focus on Frum as a connection with Hashem and serving him through his Torah and try and avoid the noise and nonsense of you can.
I bless you with strength, sister.

amother

Magenta

Wed, Mar 10 2021, 6:29 pm

I am so sorry!
this is not an aspect of yiddishkeit
rather a pressure that is endemic to some affluent areas even non jewish non frum
I would see what I could do to reframe, cope, or move to a different area
this is not what yiddishkeit is meant to be not at all
a wise mentor told me long ago that if I Hashem Put me in a situation then by definition He Has Given me the tools with which to deal ....that helped me because the question then was not "why" or "if" but "How'...
hugs and hatzlocha

amother

Aubergine

Wed, Mar 10 2021, 6:33 pm

amother [ Copper ] wrote:

She said frum Jew. Not just Jew, frum Jew. HUGE difference.

The default of being born as a Jew is having been at Har Sinai (all future Jewish souls were there) and accepting the Torah, so by default, yes every Jew is/can be/agreed to be Torah observant.
That said, some things that are considered "frum" are more societal or cultural and can be modified or set aside.

amother

Wed, Mar 10 2021, 6:41 pm

Thanks everyone for your kind, encouraging words! I really needed to hear these thoughtful posts. It's greatly appreciated!!
I really think there is so much beauty in frum life, but the pressures are too much for me. I get overwhelmed very easily, so just thinking about shopping for yom tov clothes for the kids, plus shoes, accessories etc make me sick to my stomache. Even boys, who should be easier to shop for, I get worried about the huge expense, especially since my son is super active and keeps destroying his suit pants and shoes and sneakers. So then I'm left with a kid that looks like a shlump...
My girls are getting older and more aware of what's trendy, so I can't get away with cheapy stuff.
I get overwhelmed cleaning for pesach (and I really do the minimum), plus planning when to kasher and what to feed the kids once no chametz in the house etc... I am terrible with planning ahead and time management, which a frum mother really needs to have down pat. The list goes on and on....
Of course frum moms also need to look put together at all times, which I am not...

amother

Wed, Mar 10 2021, 6:45 pm

And another big issue for me is bc. I'm currently taking the mini pill (while nursing), which I often forget to take on time, and am so stressed out that I will end up with a surprise baby... But all the other allowed options scare the living daylights out of me, so stuck with this extra unneeded anxiety.

shaqued_almond

Wed, Mar 10 2021, 7:44 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

Hey, I grew up in a dysfunctional home so I also didn't have the skills to be a balabusta. There's a chance you have undiagnosed ADHD which might be the reason it's hard to be organized. My advice is assume you'll forget things. I sometimes put 5 reminders to remember an appointment.

You don't know what to cook? Ask your kids what they want to eat. Bonus points if they can plan the meals and help cook.

Your boy breaks his clothes? Get him some second hand(nobody will notice). Or he could just get a fancy kippa or tie.

Also if your kids are very young it's harder to manage without help.

amother

Cerise

Wed, Mar 10 2021, 8:19 pm

amother [ Lawngreen ] wrote:

Same! And I live in a MO community, which dh and I thought would make life easier when we left our former community. But we’ve just traded one set of problems for another.

The most honest post I’ve seen here in a long time
So many delusional women think just run away from large charedi community and your singing zippity foo da

Ok... if that gets you thru the nite .. fine