I'm not cut out for being a frum jew

behappy2

Thu, Mar 11 2021, 7:41 am

Do you have anxiety? Maybe deal with that first. Other things will fall into place.

ShishKabob

Thu, Mar 11 2021, 7:49 am

Jetblack! Thank you for your post and putting it into such a refreshing perspective!

amother

Lawngreen

Thu, Mar 11 2021, 8:51 am

amother [ Gray ] wrote:

I would love to hear more.

This is not a dig to the MO community (in fact, I love it!), but at least where I live, people are very welcoming and open to all. Our shul, while absolutely Orthodox, is really a community shul. People who are not 100% observant are welcome open arms. My children go to school with other children whose parents range in observance and the students as well. There's really no one checking to see what my dh and I do behind closed doors. We don't need filtered phones or internet to get our kids into the school. There is no dress code for parents or students outside of school. The dress code for students is basic halacha, but even so, no one bats an eye if a girl's elbow slightly shows or her skirt is a bit above her knees or the boys wear jeans or what size and material their yarmulke is. For people who grew up MO in such a welcoming way, this may be duh! But for my family, especially my older kids who are used to living in a more restrictive environment, it's been hard to discipline ourselves. And I promise, this is not a dig at anyone MO or the community! We LOVE where we live and we have been accepted fully. But we went from being told what to do to be fully accepted to being told that anything can be done as long as its not against halacha and even people who are known to be OTD still have a place in the community. So even though we live in such an open and warm community, it's still very hard even being frum.

tichellady

Thu, Mar 11 2021, 9:27 am

essie14 wrote:

Most of the frum people I know have housekeepers / cleaning help and also rely on takeout.
Non frum kids still have holidays. Yes, not as many as frum people. But it's still there.

I don't think we have it WAY harder. We might have it a bit harder, but my secular friends have a lot going on in their lives too. SAT prep, college admissions, extra curricular activities. The Mommy wars in secular circles are just as fierce as the "keeping up with the Cohens" in some frum circles.

If you want to be a laid back mom, you can be a frum laid back mom or a secular laid back mom. If you want to be a helicopter mom, same thing.
The pressures might be a bit less, but don't kid yourself that it's smooth sailing.

This is obviously anecdotal but I have many secular female mom relatives and believe me their lives involve less logistics, cooking, cleaning, and planning. Of course it doesn’t have to be that way but it tends to be that way. It takes a lot of work to decide not to care about all the details, menus, outfits etc that are often involved in frum life. But it’s possible

FranticFrummie

Thu, Mar 11 2021, 9:58 am

amother [ Brunette ] wrote:

OP, what about a very OOT community where pressures are much lower?

Living OOT comes with it's own set of problems as well.

amother

Wine

Thu, Mar 11 2021, 10:13 am

If someone is the type of person to FEEL pressured by what others are doing/what the "norms" are, they can find that pressure EVERYWHERE. Even OOT.

tichellady

Thu, Mar 11 2021, 11:22 am

FranticFrummie wrote:

Living OOT comes with it's own set of problems as well.

Not my experience! But we obviously all have our own experiences.

amother

Ruby

Thu, Mar 11 2021, 11:26 am

I live out of town. I couldn't be sure what the local stores will have. a previous year I was informed that I was late in my shopping when I waited to be pesachdik before shopping. matzah has to be ordered around purim time, theres no "frum clothing store"... there's less pressure in terms of standards but theres more planning needed due to less amenities.
op I totally get you!

amother

Brunette

Thu, Mar 11 2021, 11:54 am

FranticFrummie wrote:

Living OOT comes with it's own set of problems as well.

Sure, but maybe OP will handle those problems better than the ones she's got now.

amother

Ivory

Thu, Mar 11 2021, 5:44 pm

behappy2 wrote:

Do you have anxiety? Maybe deal with that first. Other things will fall into place.

If this is the case, there's a lot of help out there. There's a great book, for example, for anxiety related to taharas hamishpacha that I've used.