I've got several children with special needs. AMA

amother

Thu, Mar 11 2021, 10:41 pm

imasinger wrote:

Seriously?!

Are you expecting OP to say that she's being judged from on high or something?

Life is hard enough with multiple SN kids to ask that.

OP, what are some of your favorite ways to promote sibling harmony?

Separate them.
My two boys are as opposite in personality as could be. Sibling rivalry was at its peak.
Imagine living in a tiny apartment, kids with ADHD, on the spectrum, opposite natures, sleeping in the same room.
One wants the light and door open while the other wants pitch dark. One is a neat freak while the other couldn't care less, his stuff are a mess as soon as he walks into the room.
It's a fun journey.

amother

Thu, Mar 11 2021, 11:17 pm

bigsis144 wrote:

In light of all the BC threads, and I am not judging you - how did you feel confident enough in your parenting and circumstances to have more kids? What internal or external signs made it clear to you? How did you consciously decide, “I am managing well enough, throw another ball at me to juggle”?

Was it that challenges did not manifest until after the kids were older? (with Downs Syndrome, you know right away that things will be hard, but things like autism and ADHD might not be noticeable at first.)

—

(My kids are extremely difficult and I am pained that I may be done for good with three, as I can’t in good faith bring another child into my current home dynamic. Yet a part of me can’t help but compare myself to others, and beat myself up about it.

Though it’s good to hear you’ve seen success with medication. We are on that journey as well and I daven that we will find that something that will help unlock the good that I see beneath my kids’ violence and depression and defiance and impulsivity.)

Your post triggers me alot.
You're asking why I had more children after I had a child with special needs.
Let's come up with reasons together of why me or others have more children after having a child with special needs:
*childrens dx weren't obvious for years.
*Maybe the BC failed
*maybe I have anough help/DH helpful
*maybe I dealt with Infertility before and finally had a child, who happens to have special needs
*maybe I'm coping well emotionally and can handle more
*many more possible reasons available

If I understand correctly, you feel that medication can be a short term solution but you want a long term solution to get them 'out of having ADHD'.
The answer to that is:
My older son weaned off of medication after a while and is now doing perfectly fine bh. He considered "The Top boy" at Yeshiva. He's well rounded and has many friends bh.
I am looking forward to the moment we can wean off my other two children from medication, but at the moment, this is the solution to their behavior. Without the meds, they are crazy wild, doing stupid stuff and getting into trouble.
With meds, Thank G-d they are "top boys" in their class and yummy calm, relaxed, happy and helpful at home.

amother

Gold

Thu, Mar 11 2021, 11:20 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

Smart Rav!!!

I've had conversations with people who are "against medication" because....
Well, if you've got kids with true ADHD on a serious level, you and the child will have a h-ll of a life without meds.
Sorry for being blunt. BTDT

I think my child has ADD. What’s the “turning point”? Life is hard but I don’t think it’s that extreme. What do you consider the red line?

amother

Red

Thu, Mar 11 2021, 11:20 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

Thanks so much for your hug, it feels nice and supportive.
Its a juggling act and many times a guilt trip, not knowing what the right thing to do is.
I am a person of ego and dignity. I never wanted to accept help, because I'm fine, I can manage on my own. I make sure to look perfectly put together, like my kids and walk around with a smile outdoors.
While I cope well bh, I learned the method of accepting any help (offers- close to none), so I ask for help. As well as allowing myself alot of ME time.
Thats the name of the game. You need help, ask for it, take it. Everyone will benefit from it. You, your DH, your children and the person who gives you the help. It's a true chesed to allow people to help you, it makes them too feel good.

Thanks that was helpful. I am also a person of ego and dignity (love how you said it) but I also have ADD so I have a hard time being honest about my abilities and being a "manager for helpers" You are so smart and self aware. Which leads me to the next question-do you go to therapy or have a mentor/close friend that helps you keep your spirits up and things in perspective.

amother

Thu, Mar 11 2021, 11:26 pm

amother [ Red ] wrote:

The answer to going for therapy is no. And yes.
I never went for therapy. Lately though I signed up for DBT therapy for myself, and guidance on how to deal with my children. Not specifically to deal with their issues but because I believe that every healthy person needs to work on themselves and can use guidance on how to deal with any child.
I do shmoose with friends but not about my kids issues. Lol
How do I keep up with being positive? Its a life journey and lots of inner work.
Every person's Nisyon is challenging. We all need chizuk to deal with whatever Hashem sends our way.

amother

Thu, Mar 11 2021, 11:49 pm

amother [ Gold ] wrote:

I think my child has ADD. What’s the “turning point”? Life is hard but I don’t think it’s that extreme. What do you consider the red line?

*Start by taking a chinuch course. It might just be the way you deal with them.
*Try vitamin that calm kids.
*speak with experts on how to deal with this child
*try natural remedies, like massaging
*stress relief methods- they might be sensory
*OT might be helpful to calm anxious children
*maybe they have anxiety, ging through trauma
*see their pediatrician, do blood work.
-Maybe it's PANDAS or strep in their system that causes their misbehavior.
*social worker sessions to work with them
*they might need an outlet, extra curricular activities
*discuss the issue with a psychiatrists. (Which will most likely put them onto some kind of low dose medication)
*see if it helps calm them down and makes a big difference
*adjust the meds according to their needs
Hatzlacha

amother

Fri, Mar 12 2021, 12:15 am

amother [ Coffee ] wrote:

How does the challenges of dealing with a child with down syndrome compare to dealing with ASD and ADHD. I'm asking because I may be in a similar situation.

Honestly, Down syndrome is the "Cream of the crop".
He is my easiest child kah. He is the highlight of the family (if I may say so). So pure and delicious kah.
Wherever I go, he steals everyone's heart. Girls love him and beg to come take him out, I say you can go onto the waiting list...
He's so loving. He is the first (and only child) who will always Thank me for food and anything I do for him. The love and appreciation he shows is incredible. If a sibling hurts themselves, he will run over to hig them and calm them down or say calming words to make them feel good.
Thank you Hashem for this blessing in our life.
My older son said a comment:
Every family who wants to be happy, needs to have a child with Down syndrome.
You won't hear from any mother who has raised a child with Downs, that they dread it or regret keeping home.
There are many support groups and amazing services provided for children with downs. All doors open up for them immediately because its obvious.

amother

Fri, Mar 12 2021, 12:46 am

mig100 wrote:

I want to know how on earth you dont get eaten alive with jealousy when you see women who seem to have picture perfect and smooth lives?

I thnk you must be beyond incredible and your insight can help many of us.

Because I KNOW that no ones life is perfect. I too got comments from people that I look like I've got a perfect life. (Even though they see my son with Down Syndrome). The other kids aren't obvious all the time.
As I said, I make sure to look good outside, and swallow my pride.
I've learned not to get embarrassed when my children make massive tantrums in public places.

I just had an incident yesterday when I went to a store and took my 11 year old child along and I didn't want to buy him what he wanted. He screamed out loud curse words at me, and very nasty comments. The crowd around me was open-mouthed and were embarrassed for me. I was totally cool calm and collected, I didn't react (it took years to get here, and reacting in the heat of the moment wouldn't do anything good). Someone said to him, 'How dear you talk to your mother like this, I never heard a child say such things, the chutzpah of kids today's days"...
I just wanted to say, he's on the spectrum but bit my lips and smiled.
I dont envy anyone. I've got lots of amazing blessings in life that others don't have. I'm grateful for everything I have.

amother

Fri, Mar 12 2021, 12:49 am

mirror wrote:

A friend of mine who runs a resource room told me years ago about a boy with ADHD whose parents refused to medicate. They insisted that their son was on a special diet but he was incapable of learning anything. Op, kudos to you for being willing to give your child medication.

As I mentioned earlier, we too have tried 'special diets'. They were off white flour and sugar (at home), (though they got it elsewhere.)
We've tried it all until we saw that this is the only solution for now.
It comes when you feel desperate and tried all other options.

amother

Fri, Mar 12 2021, 1:45 am

amother [ Smokey ] wrote:

Do your ADHD children receive any resources or support in school? If so, are there any that you have found to be helpful?

NO.
We tried hiring different 'professional' yungeleit to work with them but didn't help.
As common as it is in children, the comments we received was that this is mass production, we can not cater to individuals.
We were begging to add more extra curricular activities so that the kids that need more than sitting in a serious classroom setting all day, have an outlet. My requests always fell on deaf ears.

amother

Taupe

Fri, Mar 12 2021, 6:12 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

You said "ask me anything". She asked you a question respectfully. Her question is a question that many of us SN parents ask ourselves. She didn't say there's anything wrong with you or your family.

tree of life

Fri, Mar 12 2021, 6:38 am

Hi we moved to Israel for my so we ADHD and on the spectrum and dyslexic as in England there was noy enough help I also have adhd and two other kids with ADHD also one with add and another also with dyslexic I highly recommend the services we got in Israel and also most kids are on ritlin in there class it dud the some time to persuade us to Medicare a few of my kids but best thing we ever did
I'm happy to help anyone thinking of moving to Israel bh my kids really are very successful and productive kids each with there own quirks

amother

Mint

Fri, Mar 12 2021, 6:50 am

I'm terrified of having a cognitively SN child. I feel like I wouldn't be a good parent for such a person. I pray every pregnancy that it won't happen.

Do you have any idea how I could conquer my fear and be more accepting and loving?

(Yes, I volunteered when I single. Yes, I gave it my all, and had many good connections with my students. But I still can't imagine having a child with cognitive challenges. I think I would be impatient and disappointed. What do I do to get over this??)