I've got several children with special needs. AMA

amother

Tan

Fri, Mar 12 2021, 8:16 am

amother [ Mint ] wrote:

I'm terrified of having a cognitively SN child. I feel like I wouldn't be a good parent for such a person. I pray every pregnancy that it won't happen.

Do you have any idea how I could conquer my fear and be more accepting and loving?

(Yes, I volunteered when I single. Yes, I gave it my all, and had many good connections with my students. But I still can't imagine having a child with cognitive challenges. I think I would be impatient and disappointed. What do I do to get over this??)

I had no patience for SN children when I was younger. I have a severely SN child.
I still don’t think I’m the stereotypical SN mother but what can you do. You take what you get.

bigsis144

Fri, Mar 12 2021, 8:19 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

Your post triggers me alot.
You're asking why I had more children after I had a child with special needs.
Let's come up with reasons together of why me or others have more children after having a child with special needs:
*childrens dx weren't obvious for years.
*Maybe the BC failed
*maybe I have anough help/DH helpful
*maybe I dealt with Infertility before and finally had a child, who happens to have special needs
*maybe I'm coping well emotionally and can handle more
*many more possible reasons available

I’m sorry, I truly did not mean to be hurtful or triggering.

Your answers have been so positive and inspiring throughout this thread. You seem to have a real foundation of self-assurance and bitachon while being honest and down to earth.

I wasn’t asking *why* you might have had more kids after a special needs kid. For sure, there are many reasons, many of them out of our hands, for that.

If you don’t feel comfortable answering, that’s okay. If you want to reread my original question, please see that it’s not an accusation; I wanted to know what your thoughts and feelings were on a sensitive subject while you were “answering anything”.

Quote:

If I understand correctly, you feel that medication can be a short term solution but you want a long term solution to get them 'out of having ADHD'.
The answer to that is:
My older son weaned off of medication after a while and is now doing perfectly fine bh. He considered "The Top boy" at Yeshiva. He's well rounded and has The many friends bh.
I am looking forward to the moment we can wean off my other two children from medication, but at the moment, this is the solution to their behavior. Without the meds, they are crazy wild, doing stupid stuff and getting into trouble.
With meds, Thank G-d they are "top boys" in their class and yummy calm, relaxed, happy and helpful at home.

I don’t think I asked that?
I was just giving you context on my personal situation, in that I have depressed/ADHD kids too and we are still struggling to find something, anything, that will help.
We haven’t found the right meds yet, but I am happy that your family has been able to thrive with the right medication.

amother

Papaya

Fri, Mar 12 2021, 8:40 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

Best method that helps kids with ADHD at a young age?

Answer: Medication.

I've been against medicating my children for years and tried every natural alternative out there.

Nothing did much for the long term. We struggled through years of anguish and stress because 'I am not going to give meds ch"v.'

I came to my senses and gave in when the matzav was excruciating and I felt like the worst mother on earth, and I kept getting calls from their teachers and Rebbi's.

This was the smartest thing to do. Our relationship improved and they are thriving in school and yeshiva bh.
If they need it, give it to them. Otherwise you're depriving your child from having the full life that they and you deserve.

What age was he when You started medication?

amother

Saddlebrown

Fri, Mar 12 2021, 10:16 am

Who diagnosed your asd child? Is he on medication? How is he learning skills that asd children lack? I’ve been through so much with my dc and even went to a highly recommended neuropsychologist. Yet, he remains undiagnosed and struggles greatly with rigidity, self regulation, sensory overload and social skills. He’s also extremely sensitive and can’t seem to get past it when he feels someone violated him. He’s in therapy for 2 years and has become more self aware but not much else changed. Therapist claims he’s unique (my child) and is not responding to therapy in a conventional way. Any pearls of wisdom here? Thanks in advance!!!

amother

Seafoam

Fri, Mar 12 2021, 11:01 am

Do you have any kids with both asd and adhd?

Do you have any experience with adhd kids who don't respond well to traditional adhd meds, meaning stimulants, and can't take them? I'd also love to hear your take on treating the non-focus issues like impulsivity and emotional regulation.

My experience is that people, especially educators, are so used to being able to medicate things away that they don't have a lot of strategies for actually dealing with them when that's not an option. (Not parental refusal- medical reasons, insurmountable side effects, and even medication refusal by the kids, especially teens.)

amother

Fuchsia

Fri, Mar 12 2021, 11:33 am

How do you avoid neglecting your developmentally normal kids. I have a ‘normal child that is soft spoken and reserved and my special need child is very vocal and loud. I fee like the answer should be simple, but I feel even though I am aware of the imbalance of attention, I still get distracted with the needs of my special needs child. I also have a friend who grew up with a ASD sister and they have a very complicated relationship as she always felt like she had to fight for attention.

amother

Fri, Mar 12 2021, 4:41 pm

[quote="amother [ Taupe ]"]You said "ask me anything". She asked you a question respectfully. Her question is a question that many of us SN parents ask ourselves. She didn't say there's anything wrong with you or your family.[/quote
When someone asks a mother who has a child with Special needs, why are you having more children, it feels like they're judging and thinking were wrong for having more children.
Though OP said that this was not her question. She wasn't judging.

amother

Fri, Mar 12 2021, 4:42 pm

amother [ Fuchsia ] wrote:

We are being extremely mindful of giving special attention to the typical children we treat them often and shmoose alot with them. Its a real juggling act. Sometimes we would send away the special child so we can give private attention to the other kids.

amother

Fri, Mar 12 2021, 4:46 pm

amother [ Seafoam ] wrote:

My son with ASD is also on medication for ADHD.
You need to keep trying out different medication and see which one he does best with. Its a journey until you figure out the right one.
You need to work with the child and figure out a way together on making him be ok with taking the meds. We promise big treats.

amother

Fri, Mar 12 2021, 5:04 pm

amother [ Saddlebrown ] wrote:

My three kids started taking medication at age 5/7/10.
The son who started taking it at age 5 is on the spectrum, we already saw the same pattern as his older siblings in him.
A psychiatrist diagnosed them, after we tried so many different options and didn't see a solution. This was our last resort.
Once they are on medication, and in the right yeshiva/school environment they can thrive and learn the crucial life skills. Its more effort than typical children but they learn eventually.

amother

Wine

Fri, Mar 12 2021, 5:21 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

Bh I'm blessed with precious delicious children. Several of them have special needs, this includes a child on the spectrum- ASD/Behavioal issues and learning disabilities, ADHD taking medication, Down syndrome, medical condition and more.
I've got lots of experience and might be of help to some people.

I've got more life experience in Infertility, cycle issues, financial struggles, loss of job and much more...

Ask away (but only if it could be a benefit to you.)

Hi, fellow SN mom!

I have a SN son who has no specific diagnosis ever made, but at 14 he is learning at maybe a 3rd grade level and cannot manage a lot of self care. I worry so much for his future. Will he ever be ever to take care of himself? Let alone have a family of his own? I wonder if I will be taking care of him into my old age. And what will happen when I’m gone. We are not wealthy. Don’t know what kind of trust I could set up. Don’t want him to ever be a ward of the state. I haven’t really had a serious discussion about this with a lawyer or social worker or... who? Don’t even know. My husband had his head in the sand. Thinks I’m being negative when I bring this up and I need to have more trust that everything will be fine. 🤦‍♀️
What do I do????

amother

Seafoam

Fri, Mar 12 2021, 5:43 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

We took the journey. We learned that all stimulants make him either extremely OCD or angry/violent or both, either while they're working or during withdrawal and rebound, on a daily or almost daily basis. That left us with Straterra and Intuniv, which don't quite his focus the same way (although amazing for impulsivity and regulation; and yes, we tried combinations.)

Sometimes there isn't a right medication for certain skills, like focus, and then the teachers and parents need to use other strategies. Much like sometimes someone with depression never finds a med that works for them. I'm really happy for you that you found meds that work for each kid.

amother

Aubergine

Sat, Mar 13 2021, 9:59 pm

bigsis144 wrote:

Bigsis
I actually identify with you post 1000% and it’s interesting that it triggered the op. Maybe she does regret having so many and if had a crystal ball would’ve stopped. I have four kids with four diagnoses - all my kids take meds and we have a lot of stuff going on here on a daily basis that another family would go out of their minds. I would absolutely love to have more kids but feel like it would be selfish to add more to this wonderful mix of very energetic adhd/add/odd/ocd/and more kids!
I don’t know if it’s a lack of bitachon or simply realistic that these are our genetics and why would I have more when I feel like I cannot handle more.

amother

Sat, Mar 13 2021, 10:10 pm

amother [ Seafoam ] wrote:

BTW, Strattera was a killer for our child. He had terrible side affects, like OCD, TICS and more. We switched almost immediately.
As mentioned before, medication is a true trial and fail journey until you find the right pill, with the right dose.
Once you get to the right one, the change is drastic.
Finding the right psychiatrist is another journey. You need to feel comfortable and confident with them, and be very open about all symptoms and side affects.