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amother




OP
 

Post Sat, Mar 13 2021, 10:31 pm
My 12 yr old dd started seeing a therapist in regards to a specific school bullying issue.
My dd is extremely anxious to be seeing the therapist alone yet the therapist keeps trying to convince her that mothers are annoying to have sitting in on conversations and most girls dont want their mothers there.
Im happy to be there for my dd's support and after this approach I want to get more of a feel if I even like her as a therapist. I would also love to hear what skills shell be teaching her so I can possibly help her along when she complains about her school issues.
My question is, is it normal for a therapist not to allow me to be there? 12 is still young and my dd isnt letting me leave.
Also after hearing so many crazy stories of damaging therapists I want to make sure she is seeing someone good.
Im paying to dollar and want to make sure shes getting the help im looking for.
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amother




Blush
 

Post Sat, Mar 13 2021, 10:42 pm
It's normal for kids to have the sessions themselves after the first few. I've done it with a 9 yo. Why are you concerned about the therapist?
Would you be able to talk to a therapist with your mother present?
You should keep open communication with dd so she can tell you if anything makes her uncomfortable. You'll need to keep communication with the therapist as well.

ETA did the therapist specifically say that mothers are "annoying"? With that language? That would make me concerned. If you have a gut feeling, I would advise you to switch ASAP. The right therapist would feel right.
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amother




OP
 

Post Sat, Mar 13 2021, 10:46 pm
amother [ Blush ] wrote:
It's normal for kids to have the sessions themselves after the first few. I've done it with a 9 yo. Why are you concerned about the therapist?
Would you be able to talk to a therapist with your mother present?
You should keep open communication with dd so she can tell you if anything makes her uncomfortable. You'll need to keep communication with the therapist as well.


My dd doesnt want me to leave!
Every time the therapist suggests it she says why?
She asked my dd would you want your mother listening in on you and your friends conversation? My dd said yes why not but she usually doesnt because shes busy and sometimes she does join the chat and I like it.
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amother




Blush
 

Post Sat, Mar 13 2021, 10:47 pm
amother [ OP ] wrote:
My dd doesnt want me to leave!
Every time the therapist suggests it she says why?
She asked my dd would you want your mother listening in on you and your friends conversation? My dd said yes why not but she usually doesnt because shes busy and sometimes she does join the chat and I like it.

If she's uncomfortable with the therapist herself, maybe switch.
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amother




OP
 

Post Sat, Mar 13 2021, 10:53 pm
I need to give her a chance, we just recently began and hardly know the therapist.
My question is, is it normal that she keeps wanting me to leave even though my dd needs me there. I want to hear from others who have a child that age in therapy.
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amother




Blush
 

Post Sat, Mar 13 2021, 10:58 pm
When dd was in therapy, we would take turns: both of us in the room, just me in the room, just dd in the room. The therapist had games and activities to put her at ease. Eventually the sessions were just dd, and I would sit in the waiting room. The therapist would check in with me often and keep me updated, and I would ask dd how it went. That was my experience.
We went through a few therapists until we got to the right one. The first one gave a vibe I didn't like that I noticed right away, and I made a request to be switched after 1-2 sessions. This was at a clinic, which made it easier to switch.
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amother




Fuchsia
 

Post Sat, Mar 13 2021, 11:21 pm
A 12 year old is old enough to be alone with a therapist. However, She seems to be quite anxious. The therapist wants her to be free to speak freely and possibly get her to overcome her anxiety by having you out of the room.
I would suggest to the therapist to lay off the topic for the next few sessions then it could be revisited.
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amother




Mustard
 

Post Sat, Mar 13 2021, 11:24 pm
amother [ OP ] wrote:
I need to give her a chance, we just recently began and hardly know the therapist.
My question is, is it normal that she keeps wanting me to leave even though my dd needs me there. I want to hear from others who have a child that age in therapy.


Ask her directly why she wants you to leave.
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amother




Scarlet
 

Post Sun, Mar 14 2021, 1:23 am
I would say if your dd wants you to stay then stay! The therapist should have mentioned there’s an option for her to do it privately but should not be pushing it!
IMO
I think it’s a sign of a great relationship with your dd that she wants you to stay.
And once she is more comfortable, then maybe she will be ready to be on her own. But first stay. And also this way you will get a sense for the therapist and process too.
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amother




OP
 

Post Sun, Mar 14 2021, 10:03 pm
amother [ Scarlet ] wrote:
I would say if your dd wants you to stay then stay! The therapist should have mentioned there’s an option for her to do it privately but should not be pushing it!
IMO
I think it’s a sign of a great relationship with your dd that she wants you to stay.
And once she is more comfortable, then maybe she will be ready to be on her own. But first stay. And also this way you will get a sense for the therapist and process too.


I agree and id love to be there for dd if it makes her feel more comfortable but clearly the therapist doesnt want me there and I did not know this in advance and was wondering if its normal not to allow the mother in the room. In my opinion a therapist should be working with the child and mother as well. I can help better explain the situation but she wont allow me to even talk.
The first session when she wanted me to leave and my dd didnt let I sat on the couch with dd, next session my dd insisted I stay again so she had me sit on a separate chair, shes kind of having me inch my way out and I just dont get it.
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amother




Blush
 

Post Sun, Mar 14 2021, 11:13 pm
So ask her about it. Maybe in a phone call, not in session with dd present.
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Mamushka




 
 
 
 

Post Mon, Mar 15 2021, 4:52 am
A 12 year old should be able to be alone with a therapist. She needs to learn to talk by herself and eventually be independent from you (that's what they learn during puberty).
Has your daughter a bad experience in the past? Is she always like this or just with this therapist?
At this age parents should meet the therapist seperately every other week in addition to the child's therapy.
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LovesHashem




 
 
 
 

Post Mon, Mar 15 2021, 5:37 am
I find it concerning the therapist seems to be upset almost that you stay. In addition she compares it to not wanting her friends conversations to be overheard. This therapist clearly can't comprehend a child who has the nature and good parent relationship to actually not care if her mother overhears and openly share with her mom.

It's bringing up red flags for. Me
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amother




OP
 

Post Mon, Mar 15 2021, 9:03 am
LovesHashem wrote:
I find it concerning the therapist seems to be upset almost that you stay. In addition she compares it to not wanting her friends conversations to be overheard. This therapist clearly can't comprehend a child who has the nature and good parent relationship to actually not care if her mother overhears and openly share with her mom.

It's bringing up red flags for. Me


Spot on, why is she putting ideas into her head that mothers are annoying to have around!
This is whats making me uncomfortable and glad my dd is insisting because im not sure I can trust her alone, I need to see if shes even right for her and not damaging.
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LovesHashem




 
 
 
 

Post Mon, Mar 15 2021, 10:13 am
amother [ OP ] wrote:
Spot on, why is she putting ideas into her head that mothers are annoying to have around!
This is whats making me uncomfortable and glad my dd is insisting because im not sure I can trust her alone, I need to see if shes even right for her and not damaging.


I would leave her. It doesn't sound like someone good.
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Chayalle




 
 
 
 

Post Mon, Mar 15 2021, 10:30 am
It does sound like this therapist isn't so awesome if she's pushing an agenda your DD isn't ready for.

At the same time, it doesn't seem so regular to me that your DD is so attached to you and needs you there so badly. I have a DD the same age, and trust me, she doesn't want me listening to her conversations or being around when her friends come....it's the age where a healthy tween is detaching from her Mom and developing into her own self. Your DD's extreme anxiousness in this IS something to overcome, but perhaps at her own pace, easing your DD into it.

I sort of see it as the Mom who comes with her child to playgroup and then hangs around for too long. A healthy child will be okay with the Mom leaving, even if he/she cries for a few minutes. Ultimately, you do want to leave, OP. This isn't about being there for your DD, but rather, about her being able to stand on her own. She's 12, she's not a baby anymore.
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Chayalle




 
 
 
 

Post Mon, Mar 15 2021, 10:32 am
amother [ Scarlet ] wrote:
I would say if your dd wants you to stay then stay! The therapist should have mentioned there’s an option for her to do it privately but should not be pushing it!
IMO
I think it’s a sign of a great relationship with your dd that she wants you to stay.
And once she is more comfortable, then maybe she will be ready to be on her own. But first stay. And also this way you will get a sense for the therapist and process too.


It could also be a sign of too much attachment or co-dependence at that age.
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LovesHashem




 
 
 
 

Post Mon, Mar 15 2021, 10:52 am
Chayalle wrote:
It could also be a sign of too much attachment or co-dependence at that age.


Mquge you are over thinking this. There's loads of reasons why her daughter would want her to stay. She may be shy, not comfortable around the therapist. Being 12 is an awkward age. Maybe she is embrassed of going or nervous cuz she has heard so much stereotyping about therapy and doesn't know what to expect.
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amother




Periwinkle
 

Post Mon, Mar 15 2021, 11:06 am
I’m all for the mom being invited into the therapy room.
At the end of the day it’s the mom going home with the child- not the therapist.
Wouldn’t it be awesome for beautiful therapy sessions that empower both the mom and the child and strengthen the parent child relationship so that the mom can continue the wonderful work out of session together with her child?
Signed- a mom who attends therapy sessions together with a younger child (age 9) and has seen the power in it
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amother




OP
 

Post Mon, Mar 15 2021, 12:02 pm
I totally hear both sides, my dd is new to the whole therapy idea and is feeling anxious she feel more safe when im around.
She is a sociable girl and hangs out with friends without me all the time but if im around they all chat with me as well. I consider myself a fun mom and have a great relationship with my children. Maybe they are a bit dependent on me and I do give them all the space they want but why is it so bad if they want me in their lives?
I get there are teens that hate their mothers around because I was one of them but is there no such a thing as a teen that enjoys their moms company?
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