Do you have shas etc?

amother

Sun, Mar 14 2021, 5:10 pm

So most of my friends are kollel wives or sluchim and their house is full of shas and sluchan aruch. I’m basically jealous of all these shas and mishna berura and other Sefers. Dh tells me that not every frum family has a whole set of seforim and that if we had it, it was for show because my husband is not a learner.
So I ask you

amother

Scarlet

Sun, Mar 14 2021, 5:12 pm

your dh is right Smile

if he's not a learner, then having it would be just for show.
so instead of being jealous of the shas, be 'jealous' that your husband's not a learner and figure out how you can help him become one.

shabbatiscoming

Sun, Mar 14 2021, 5:15 pm

Your husband is 100% correct. If the guy is not going to be learning it then it is only for show.
My husband was not offered it before we were married and he never asked for it. He said he would rather buy them one at a time or as he is learning them. No reason to just have them in the house for show. Its a silly reason. And nobody just has to have them.

amother

Sun, Mar 14 2021, 5:19 pm

amother [ Scarlet ] wrote:

your dh is right Smile

if he's not a learner, then having it would be just for show.
so instead of being jealous of the shas, be 'jealous' that your husband's not a learner and figure out how you can help him become one.

Oh since he is with me he is studying twice a week with a chavrusha.
He has severe adhd and dspd which means his circadian rythm is messed up. In yeshivah he was or falling asleep or not able to keep attention the husbands of my friends basically feel he was being left out. He knows much but sitting still and learn is more my shtick then his, he loves his job and after working he doesn’t wants to open a Sefer cuz he doesn’t feel up to it. Even on Shabbos, I’m learning and he is not. 😅😅

amother

Turquoise

Sun, Mar 14 2021, 5:25 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

been married a year. my dh barely cracks open the shas I got him with my own money. it upsets me so much. hes up 5 am and home by 3 pm. goes to sleep and then is up all night reading dumb comic books. whatever.

shas is sitting on our bookshelf.

amother

Amethyst

Sun, Mar 14 2021, 5:29 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

If your husbands not a learner why do you want it? I’m with your husband.

FWIW my sister won it in a Chinese auction when I was engaged and gave it to my husband. BH he does learn daf yomi (but didn’t for many years) If my sister hadn’t won it we Wouldn’t have it

amother

Ecru

Sun, Mar 14 2021, 5:31 pm

I disagree with your husband, since you mentioned you have friends that are Shluchim I'll assume you have some connection to Chabad. The Lubavitcher Rebbe spoke very strongly about the idea of a Bayis Maleh Seforim, that there's an inherent value in having a home that has many seforim as it sets a tone and atmosphere of yiras shamayim

Just One

Sun, Mar 14 2021, 5:32 pm

Having a shas "just for show"is not a bad thing. It's a special thing for a Jewish home to be full of seforim and other holy objects. Giving seforim a place of honor in the home shows children where our values lie and it will give them the opportunity to crack open some seforim themselves if they are so inclined.

cbsp

Sun, Mar 14 2021, 5:37 pm

shabbatiscoming wrote:

Not silly at all. Shows what we value, even if we haven't attained that level or ability yet.

I insisted on buying a set for my husband when we were engaged. At the time he had a chavrusa for maybe an hour a day. Finishing shas was nowhere on his radar...

He was inspired by the siyum hashas of '05 to start Daf Yomi. He made his first siyum in '12 and again in '20.

He actually didn't even use the set we originally bought because he wanted Artscroll for daf yomi. But the beautiful shas stands proudly on display, and will b'ezras Hashem be used when its time comes.

amother

Sun, Mar 14 2021, 5:38 pm

amother [ Ecru ] wrote:

I got frum within chabad and this is what I’ve been told bayis maleh seforim... that’s why I want it 😆 but I agree if you e don’t open any of these sforim WHY having it . Just find it sad love w home full of sforim

Just One

Sun, Mar 14 2021, 5:39 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

Because seforim aren't textbooks that we buy when we need. They are the basis of our faith and Yiddishkeit. They create an atmosphere even if they aren't used

amother

Ecru

Sun, Mar 14 2021, 5:41 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

Some people display art in their homes, that's what they appreciate. Some people have a huge TV as the centerpiece of their living room, that's important to them. Some people have pictures of their family, that shows what's important in their home. And we have seforim because Torah is what we value above all else. Of course they are important to learn, but just by them being there, they create an atmosphere of a home that values limud Torah

amother

Dodgerblue

Sun, Mar 14 2021, 5:44 pm

There may be pluses to having the seforim, even if they are unused. But it is not something to make a shalom bayis issue out of if your husband doesn't want them. Unless you want them to learn from yourself, in which case you can always buy by volume.

It would be very easy for him to view your desire for the seforim that other homes have as a wish for a different kind of husband, like he is not good enough because he is not in kollel or a shaliach. I am not saying that's how you feel, but it could be perceived that way. That could be a very destructive feeling.

greenteaorange

Sun, Mar 14 2021, 5:46 pm

We don’t have since didn’t get before wedding and it’s expensive. My husband is doing daf yomi now and we are slowly collecting more sefarim. My husband was always able to borrow a Sefer from shul or a yeshiva if he needed or from a friend so even though he learns you do not necessarily need a full set in your home

amother

Sun, Mar 14 2021, 5:50 pm

amother [ Dodgerblue ] wrote:

I don’t want him to be like a kollel avreich nor a shliach I think it’s a bit of my insecurity as BT that I have a thing this should be a Jewish home with sforim. I was just curious if every Jewish home has or should have shas even when it’s used or not.

amother

Dodgerblue

Sun, Mar 14 2021, 5:58 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

I totally understand the whole part about wondering how things "should" be. My husband and I also became frum after non-frum upbringings. And I hear what you're saying, that for you it's just about the home atmosphere and not about your DH. I just worry that there's a high risk that a different subtext could come through, however unintentionally.

amother

Ecru

Sun, Mar 14 2021, 5:59 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

It doesn't have to be shas, why can't you find seforim that you enjoy learning too? They can be in English.

amother

Sun, Mar 14 2021, 6:01 pm

amother [ Ecru ] wrote:

It doesn't have to be shas, why can't you find seforim that you enjoy learning too? They can be in English.

oh I only buy these things, basically I’m the one who gets all the English books and learn them over shabbos while my husband reads sci-fi

JoyInTheMorning

Sun, Mar 14 2021, 6:05 pm

shabbatiscoming wrote:

I'm shocked to read this, coming from you. What if the guy is not going to be learning, but his wife is?

Also, even if you aren't kovei'a itim, it is good to have a Shas -- at least a full Gemara, but preferably with the mefarshim in the back -- when you go to a shiur and you want to look things up. And similarly for Tur, Shulchan Aruch, Mishna Berura, etc.

It's expensive and takes a lot of space. We devote most of our wall space to bookcases, and I think it's well worth it. But if you can't get all of that, sefaria.org is a great resource that you can use except for on Shabbat and Yom Tov.