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How to Respond to Disrespect in Young Children
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amother




OP
 

Post Sun, Mar 14 2021, 5:15 pm
My 7-8 year old son has become outright disrespectful. He will tell me ‘no’ in my face when I ask him to do something or to bring me something. He answers back. He ignores me. He’ll make a face in response to something I say. If I say to stop doing something he will continue, etc. This is in the face chutzpah & it is filtering down to my other children as well. What is the best and most effective method in quickly eradicating this level of disrespect in my home? Please advise with practical ideas that you have successfully implemented. Thanking you in advance.
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amother




Honeydew
 

Post Sun, Mar 14 2021, 5:40 pm
Sign up to Sara Chana Radcliffe daily parenting emails.

Firstly prep your kid that things are going to be different. Have a heart to heart conversation, at bedtime, just the two of you.

when mom told you to stay in your room, you ran to the playroom. That’s not ok. You need to listen to mom. From now on, you are to listen and do as I say.


When the child runs out of room again, I use it as a teaching moment.

Honey, remember we spoke about this.

Assume confidence. Believe your child will listen. Walk away and let him learn self control to stay in room, without you hovering nearby.

If he doesn’t pull through, I would non confrontationally walk him back to room.

Of course this is all in the ideal calm state of mind. Practice, and hopefully when he’s 21 he’ll get it.
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amother




OP
 

Post Sun, Mar 14 2021, 6:27 pm
amother [ Honeydew ] wrote:
Sign up to Sara Chana Radcliffe daily parenting emails.

Firstly prep your kid that things are going to be different. Have a heart to heart conversation, at bedtime, just the two of you.

when mom told you to stay in your room, you ran to the playroom. That’s not ok. You need to listen to mom. From now on, you are to listen and do as I say.


When the child runs out of room again, I use it as a teaching moment.

Honey, remember we spoke about this.

Assume confidence. Believe your child will listen. Walk away and let him learn self control to stay in room, without you hovering nearby.

If he doesn’t pull through, I would non confrontationally walk him back to room.

Of course this is all in the ideal calm state of mind. Practice, and hopefully when he’s 21 he’ll get it.

We’ve had these conversations one time too many. I need to do more.
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amother




Olive
 

Post Sun, Mar 14 2021, 6:29 pm
This sounds like it needs an evaluation. Maybe he has ODD or ADHD?
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luckymom1




 
 
 
 

Post Sun, Mar 14 2021, 6:32 pm
THIS IS NORMAL BEHAVIOR. It sounds like he isn't feeling heard. When he says no, please see it as him sharing his need. His need may be autonomy. Or the need for play. Or the need to feel safe.Children aren't meant to just do our bidding like our little minions. Would you be willing to share what is going om in his environment when you request something of him?
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amother




Rose
 

Post Sun, Mar 14 2021, 7:46 pm
Is this new behavior for him? My 4 year old behaves like this sometimes
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amother




Azure
 

Post Sun, Mar 14 2021, 8:06 pm
IMO, this behavior is not acceptable whatsoever regardless if it's considered the "norm." The fact that he already thinks he can act this way is not okay. There needs to be some sort of punishment (NOT suggesting physical) for this kind of chutzpah (such as a time out, no extra dessert or nosh or something, or at least a strong talking-to). I think there should be some intervention immediately after he acts out in front of the other children to show them that this kind of behavior doesn't fly in your household.

Regardless if its something else going on (as other posters suggested) this sort of reaction is not something to let slide by, IMO. You can be sympathetic towards the other issues a child may have going on but that does NOT excuse disrespect, not in my house!
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trixx




 
 
 
 

Post Sun, Mar 14 2021, 8:12 pm
How is your relationship with him? Examine the relationship. Increase connection.
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#BestBubby




 
 
 
 

Post Sun, Mar 14 2021, 10:37 pm
amother [ Azure ] wrote:
IMO, this behavior is not acceptable whatsoever regardless if it's considered the "norm." The fact that he already thinks he can act this way is not okay. There needs to be some sort of punishment (NOT suggesting physical) for this kind of chutzpah (such as a time out, no extra dessert or nosh or something, or at least a strong talking-to). I think there should be some intervention immediately after he acts out in front of the other children to show them that this kind of behavior doesn't fly in your household.

Regardless if its something else going on (as other posters suggested) this sort of reaction is not something to let slide by, IMO. You can be sympathetic towards the other issues a child may have going on but that does NOT excuse disrespect, not in my house!


I agree. Tell DS that "chutzpah is muktzah" (DVD by Dr. Yael Respler). It is an AVEIRAH, just
like chillul shobbos or eating Treif!

Make a list of clear rules and tell him he will be PUNISHED if he breaks the rules.

1. If Mother/Father tells you to do something you must do it.

2. If Mother/Father tells you to stop doing something you must stop.

3. You may not say "No" to Mother/Father.

4. You may not talk back disrespectfully to Mother/Father.

Decide on appropriate punishment -

Sending to room, losing desert, losing yummy snack for school, take away favorite toy,
take away allowance, etc.

Very important to STAY CALM and not to yell.

Act like a cop giving a ticket - no emotion. You broke the rules, you pay the "fine".
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amother




Yellow
 

Post Sun, Mar 14 2021, 10:58 pm
I would offer a hug and ask him why he’s feeling so angry... if I’m not emotionally able to do this I’d tell him that Ima needs to take a timeout because he’s making me really sad. Then I’ll go to my room and try to calm down, say Tehilim etc. when I feel calm again I’d try to understand what’s bothering him. I don’t agree with all the posters saying to punish him I feel that just escalates and creates a power struggle
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luckymom1




 
 
 
 

Post Mon, Mar 15 2021, 9:35 am
#BestBubby wrote:
I agree. Tell DS that "chutzpah is muktzah" (DVD by Dr. Yael Respler). It is an AVEIRAH, just
like chillul shobbos or eating Treif!

Make a list of clear rules and tell him he will be PUNISHED if he breaks the rules.

1. If Mother/Father tells you to do something you must do it.

2. If Mother/Father tells you to stop doing something you must stop.

3. You may not say "No" to Mother/Father.

4. You may not talk back disrespectfully to Mother/Father.

Decide on appropriate punishment -

Sending to room, losing desert, losing yummy snack for school, take away favorite toy,
take away allowance, etc.

Very important to STAY CALM and not to yell.

Act like a cop giving a ticket - no emotion. You broke the rules, you pay the "fine".


Let me ask, how would you feel if you were having a very overwhelming day. You were picked on by your peers, your snack spilled, you are very hungry and The painting you were working got ruined by your younger sister. Your feelings get the better of you (and keep in mind you have the developed brain of an adult- who is capable of impulse control) and you act rudely toward your spouse.
He responds " I will not tolerate this behaviour you can go to your room. And forget about getting a present for pesach. You certainly don't deserve it"

How would you feel?

Please let's treat our children with the respect they deserve. They need help. Compassion. Empathy.
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amother




Emerald
 

Post Mon, Mar 15 2021, 9:42 am
luckymom1 wrote:
Let me ask, how would you feel if you were having a very overwhelming day. You were picked on by your peers, your snack spilled, you are very hungry and The painting you were working got ruined by your younger sister. Your feelings get the better of you (and keep in mind you have the developed brain of an adult- who is capable of impulse control) and you act rudely toward your spouse.
He responds " I will not tolerate this behaviour you can go to your room. And forget about getting a present for pesach. You certainly don't deserve it"

How would you feel?

Please let's treat our children with the respect they deserve. They need help. Compassion. Empathy.

I agree with this, when kids are acting out there's usually something else going on and we need empathy.

Kids and people in general are good and want to do the right thing, if your child is not feeling good or feeling disrespected, he will act like this.

Help him, hear what he has to say about his day, make him realize that his anger is not towards you, and to calm down.

And reassure you are there for him and I bet that with all this goodness he will be more compliant.
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Janie Asne




 
 
 
 

Post Mon, Mar 15 2021, 10:16 am
luckymom1 wrote:
Let me ask, how would you feel if you were having a very overwhelming day. You were picked on by your peers, your snack spilled, you are very hungry and The painting you were working got ruined by your younger sister. Your feelings get the better of you (and keep in mind you have the developed brain of an adult- who is capable of impulse control) and you act rudely toward your spouse.
He responds " I will not tolerate this behaviour you can go to your room. And forget about getting a present for pesach. You certainly don't deserve it"

How would you feel?

Please let's treat our children with the respect they deserve. They need help. Compassion. Empathy.


Very well said! This is what I wanted to write but didn’t have the words. Thank you for writing this. As Rabbi Trenk says just love them!
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FranticFrummie




 
 
 
 

Post Mon, Mar 15 2021, 10:18 am
amother [ Emerald ] wrote:
I agree with this, when kids are acting out there's usually something else going on and we need empathy.

Kids and people in general are good and want to do the right thing, if your child is not feeling good or feeling disrespected, he will act like this.

Help him, hear what he has to say about his day, make him realize that his anger is not towards you, and to calm down.

And reassure you are there for him and I bet that with all this goodness he will be more compliant.


I agree with this, except the bolded. Sometimes it IS about you being a "mean mommy." They key is to not act like you are taking this personally, and stay CALM.

"Dovi, I know you want a cookie before dinner, but that is not going to happen. We will all have cookies together when dinner is finished. I understand that you are mad at me right now about the cookie. It's OK to feel mad, but it's not OK to act in a disrespectful way." Then WALK AWAY!

Repeat back to him what he is upset about, talk about a solution, and empathize with his feelings. Explain correct ways of showing his feelings, without invalidating those feelings.

You will be repeating this script until you can say it in your sleep, but it really does work.

I'll never forget the time when DD was 4, and she yelled at me "I hate you! You're ruining my life!" (I had to try really hard not to laugh. You're FOUR, what kind of life do you have? LOL ) I just told her "I'm sorry you're feeling like that. It's too bad, because I still love you." Things settled down pretty quickly after that, and I don't even remember what she was mad about. It was probably about wanting a cookie before dinner. Wink
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#BestBubby




 
 
 
 

Post Mon, Mar 15 2021, 12:38 pm
luckymom1 wrote:
Let me ask, how would you feel if you were having a very overwhelming day. You were picked on by your peers, your snack spilled, you are very hungry and The painting you were working got ruined by your younger sister. Your feelings get the better of you (and keep in mind you have the developed brain of an adult- who is capable of impulse control) and you act rudely toward your spouse.
He responds " I will not tolerate this behaviour you can go to your room. And forget about getting a present for pesach. You certainly don't deserve it"

How would you feel?

Please let's treat our children with the respect they deserve. They need help. Compassion. Empathy.


All you Imas who are excusing Chutzpah in child would NOT EXCUSE it if your HUSBAND
verbally abused you because "he had a hard day at the office". Then you would scream "ABUSE!"

If you let children get away with Chutzpah YOU ARE RAISING ABUSERS!

You are not being kind to your child but are setting up your child for a destroyed marriage and
maybe divorce.

If you Love your child you will teach them SELF CONTROL and to be RESPECTFUL to all.
No Ona'as Devorim/Disrespect allowed!
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#BestBubby




 
 
 
 

Post Mon, Mar 15 2021, 12:42 pm
Also, the fact that OP writes that this is son's TYPICAL behavior means it is NOT because he
had an unusually stressful day.
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amother




Olive
 

Post Mon, Mar 15 2021, 12:50 pm
luckymom1 wrote:
Let me ask, how would you feel if you were having a very overwhelming day. You were picked on by your peers, your snack spilled, you are very hungry and The painting you were working got ruined by your younger sister. Your feelings get the better of you (and keep in mind you have the developed brain of an adult- who is capable of impulse control) and you act rudely toward your spouse.
He responds " I will not tolerate this behaviour you can go to your room. And forget about getting a present for pesach. You certainly don't deserve it"

How would you feel?

Please let's treat our children with the respect they deserve. They need help. Compassion. Empathy.


This is such a bizarre question? It is not okay for an adult, even after having a bad day, to be rude to anyone, much less their spouse. I don't ignore or let any chutzpah or anything that is even borderline chutzpah go in my house. Not even from child to child. Hachnuah and derech eretz are way more important to me than very many things and I constantly am talking about this to my children, modeling this behavior, and addressing it. I also find myself constantly horrified at the manner in which I see some children speaking but BH not my children, not my home. I don't think my children would dream of saying no to me because of how rude it is.
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#BestBubby




 
 
 
 

Post Mon, Mar 15 2021, 12:57 pm
amother [ Olive ] wrote:
This is such a bizarre question? It is not okay for an adult, even after having a bad day, to be rude to anyone, much less their spouse. I don't ignore or let any chutzpah or anything that is even borderline chutzpah go in my house. Not even from child to child. Hachnuah and derech eretz are way more important to me than very many things and I constantly am talking about this to my children, modeling this behavior, and addressing it. I also find myself constantly horrified at the manner in which I see some children speaking but BH not my children, not my home. I don't think my children would dream of saying no to me because of how rude it is.


Exactly. You GET the misbehavior you are willing to TOLERATE.

Do NOT TOLERATE CHUTZPAH!
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ShishKabob




 
 
 
 

Post Mon, Mar 15 2021, 1:00 pm
Janie Asne wrote:
Very well said! This is what I wanted to write but didn’t have the words. Thank you for writing this. As Rabbi Trenk says just love them!
There's also a book that says: Love is Not Enough! So you have different opinions. I think children need discipline and love, it can't be one without the other.

Op, I tell my children that they have to listen to their mother. There is no ifs and buts. Even if they had a challenging day, they still must listen. For my part, I try to empathize with them and try to give them leeway and try not to make difficult demands, however, on their part, they MUST listen.
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amother




Babypink
 

Post Mon, Mar 15 2021, 1:00 pm
#BestBubby wrote:
All you Imas who are excusing Chutzpah in child would NOT EXCUSE it if your HUSBAND
verbally abused you because "he had a hard day at the office". Then you would scream "ABUSE!"

If you let children get away with Chutzpah YOU ARE RAISING ABUSERS!

You are not being kind to your child but are setting up your child for a destroyed marriage and
maybe divorce.

If you Love your child you will teach them SELF CONTROL and to be RESPECTFUL to all.
No Ona'as Devorim/Disrespect allowed!


That is a frightening perspective to take but very likely true.
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