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How to Respond to Disrespect in Young Children
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#BestBubby




 
 
 
 

Post Mon, Mar 15 2021, 1:07 pm
ShishKabob wrote:
There's also a book that says: Love is Not Enough! So you have different opinions. I think children need discipline and love, it can't be one without the other.

Op, I tell my children that they have to listen to their mother. There is no ifs and buts. Even if they had a challenging day, they still must listen. For my part, I try to empathize with them and try to give them leeway and try not to make difficult demands, however, on their part, they MUST listen.


Kudos ShshKabob for teaching your children that Disrespect is NEVER acceptable - even if they
had a challenging day!

Sadly, there are many children raised by mothers who tell them they are ALLOWED to hurt
others if they are "upset". I hope my grandchildren do not end up married to any of these
abusers!
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luckymom1




 
 
 
 

Post Mon, Mar 15 2021, 1:26 pm
Of course Chutzpa isn't allowed! I hope you'll hear me out.

Which option sounds better to you?

1. Child, I will not tolerate that Chutzpah. You will not speak to me like that. I am your mother! When you are ready to talk respectfully let me know.

2. Child, oh my I hear you yelling now to me. It sounds like something more is going on for you. Would you be willing to tell me what is bothering you about what I said? And then, after LISTENING to them, hmmm. I want to discuss that further. Here's the thing, I would love for you to be able to share your thoughts without yelling because we need to speak respectfully to ALL our family evenwhen we have big feelings. Can we figure out a way to make it work- perhaps we can have a signal when my need is conflicting with yours? I would love for all our needs to be met.
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ShishKabob




 
 
 
 

Post Mon, Mar 15 2021, 1:28 pm
Luckymom1, we can discuss all of childs feelings when they come back and speak respectfully. That's my personal opinion and that's how I raise my kids. I will not discuss feelings when they are freaking out at me.
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amother




Olive
 

Post Mon, Mar 15 2021, 1:33 pm
luckymom1 wrote:
Of course Chutzpa isn't allowed! I hope you'll hear me out.

Which option sounds better to you?

1. Child, I will not tolerate that Chutzpah. You will not speak to me like that. I am your mother! When you are ready to talk respectfully let me know.

2. Child, oh my I hear you yelling now to me. It sounds like something more is going on for you. Would you be willing to tell me what is bothering you about what I said? And then, after LISTENING to them, hmmm. I want to discuss that further. Here's the thing, I would love for you to be able to share your thoughts without yelling because we need to speak respectfully to ALL our family evenwhen we have big feelings. Can we figure out a way to make it work- perhaps we can have a signal when my need is conflicting with yours? I would love for all our needs to be met.


Number 2 is just not normal.
Chutzpah is never allowed. I used to be very rigid about this and send my children to the porch or the basement or the oversized toy closet when they would speak disrespectfully, but now I've learned to ask them to rephrase what they are saying. Still, chutzpah is worse than physical violence to me.
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imasinger




 
 
 
 

Post Mon, Mar 15 2021, 1:36 pm
I've noticed that people from different cultures parent differently.

Bottom line, as Best Bubby clearly said, it starts with staying calm, no matter what your style.

After that, it makes sense to go with what works. If you've tried one approach, and things aren't changing, maybe try a different one? Chanoch lnaar al pi darko.
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little neshamala




 
 
 
 

Post Mon, Mar 15 2021, 1:47 pm
#BestBubby wrote:


Act like a cop giving a ticket - no emotion. You broke the rules, you pay the "fine".


This goes against every single piece of chinuch I ever heard of in stories about our Gedolim.
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#BestBubby




 
 
 
 

Post Mon, Mar 15 2021, 1:49 pm
luckymom1 wrote:
Of course Chutzpa isn't allowed! I hope you'll hear me out.

Which option sounds better to you?

1. Child, I will not tolerate that Chutzpah. You will not speak to me like that. I am your mother! When you are ready to talk respectfully let me know.

2. Child, oh my I hear you yelling now to me. It sounds like something more is going on for you. Would you be willing to tell me what is bothering you about what I said? And then, after LISTENING to them, hmmm. I want to discuss that further. Here's the thing, I would love for you to be able to share your thoughts without yelling because we need to speak respectfully to ALL our family evenwhen we have big feelings. Can we figure out a way to make it work- perhaps we can have a signal when my need is conflicting with yours? I would love for all our needs to be met.


You cannot have a calm discussion when a child is out of control. He cannot hear you.

You can do that LATER.

But you still must explain to child that being upset is not excuse for abusing others.

Teach child to take a drink and go to room to be Alone when he is feeling upset.

And then to TALK to mother about what upset him.

But I want to point again, that per OP, this is her son's TYPICAL BEHAVIOR - not something
that happens once in a blue when he had a hard day (not that is acceptable either).
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#BestBubby




 
 
 
 

Post Mon, Mar 15 2021, 1:50 pm
little neshamala wrote:
This goes against every single piece of chinuch I ever heard of in stories about our Gedolim.


Really? I always hear that when one punishes one should not be in a state of Anger.

Please explain.
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little neshamala




 
 
 
 

Post Mon, Mar 15 2021, 2:15 pm
#BestBubby wrote:
Really? I always hear that when one punishes one should not be in a state of Anger.

Please explain.


Im talking about the emotional disconnect.
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#BestBubby




 
 
 
 

Post Mon, Mar 15 2021, 2:25 pm
little neshamala wrote:
Im talking about the emotional disconnect.


I am talking about being Calm.

You can have a heart to heart talk at another time - NOT when child is being disrespectful.
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keym




 
 
 
 

Post Mon, Mar 15 2021, 2:28 pm
#BestBubby wrote:
I am talking about being Calm.

You can have a heart to heart talk at another time - NOT when child is being disrespectful.


Or you can calmly say "Yossi, I see you are very, very upset about something. I can't understand you when you're yelling. Please tell me again respectfully/calmly whatever".
Why the need for a punishment?
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#BestBubby




 
 
 
 

Post Mon, Mar 15 2021, 2:33 pm
keym wrote:
Or you can calmly say "Yossi, I see you are very, very upset about something. I can't understand you when you're yelling. Please tell me again respectfully/calmly whatever".
Why the need for a punishment?


That is also Fine if it gets the child to a place where the disrespect does not happen
in the first place.

But it seems that OP's main issue was DEFIANCE - child refusing to do, or refusing to stop
when told by a Parent, saying NO to parent.
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amother




Yellow
 

Post Mon, Mar 15 2021, 2:36 pm
Chinuch Lnaar al pi darko. Best Bubby I’ve actually tried your way and it backfired majorly. My child is a very sweet kid who happens to have a lot of painful emotions to work through. Most of the time he is actually very good and compliant. If he acts up it usually means he needs love and help processing his feelings not a punishment!! I get Rabbi Brezak’s WhatsApp parenting tips and find them to be very helpful and in line with my parenting. I’m trying my hardest not to raise an abuser and I actually think your way would accomplish just that. May we all be zoche to raise our children to Torah, Chupah and Maasim Tovim!
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amother




Emerald
 

Post Mon, Mar 15 2021, 2:41 pm
#BestBubby wrote:
That is also Fine if it gets the child to a place where the disrespect does not happen
in the first place.

But it seems that OP's main issue was DEFIANCE - child refusing to do, or refusing to stop
when told by a Parent, saying NO to parent.

You seem to be very worked up about this topic.

Keep in mind that a defiant child is a child, not an adult, and there are many parenting methods, not just yours. What works for one, doesn't work for all.

Also: a defiant child is not an abusive monster, I don't know why this topic stirred you up this much but I have met plenty of defiant children who grew up as good loving husbands and wives.

Too much repression is also not good.
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little neshamala




 
 
 
 

Post Mon, Mar 15 2021, 2:41 pm
amother [ Yellow ] wrote:
Chinuch Lnaar al pi darko. Best Bubby I’ve actually tried your way and it backfired majorly. My child is a very sweet kid who happens to have a lot of painful emotions to work through. Most of the time he is actually very good and compliant. If he acts up it usually means he needs love and help processing his feelings not a punishment!! I get Rabbi Brezak’s WhatsApp parenting tips and find them to be very helpful and in line with my parenting. I’m trying my hardest not to raise an abuser and I actually think your way would accomplish just that. May we all be zoche to raise our children to Torah, Chupah and Maasim Tovim!


Rabbi Brezak's chinuch advice is phenomenal. Worth its weight in gold
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amother




Babypink
 

Post Mon, Mar 15 2021, 2:43 pm
little neshamala wrote:
Rabbi Brezak's chinuch advice is phenomenal. Worth its weight in gold


Where can I find his chinuch advice/info?
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little neshamala




 
 
 
 

Post Mon, Mar 15 2021, 2:43 pm
#BestBubby wrote:
I am talking about being Calm.

You can have a heart to heart talk at another time - NOT when child is being disrespectful.


Of course one should always remain calm.

You can calmly hand out punishments like a cop handing out tickets, as you say, or you can calmly address the misbehavior and establish authority without punishment. While also meeting the child's emotional needs.
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keym




 
 
 
 

Post Mon, Mar 15 2021, 2:46 pm
The question is what's the goal?
To feed parent's ego of being obeyed or to raise a child who grows up knowing how to communicate like a mentch.
Scenario 1)
Mom: Yossi, time to put away bike and come inside.
Child: No. I don't wanna listen to you.
Mom: That's chutzpa. No dessert

Scenario 2)
Mom: Yossi, time to put away bike and come inside
Child: No. I don't wanna listen to you.
Mom: I hear you want to still play, but there's a way to ask Mommy respectfully. Please ask nicely.
Child: Please can I play for 5 more minutes. Moishy and I are having so much fun.
Mom: I want to allow it. But you were rude and chutzpadik to Mommy. Tonight I'll allow 3 extra minutes, but tomorrow if you remember to talk with Derech Eretz, you can stay out for 7 extra minutes.
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amother




Olive
 

Post Mon, Mar 15 2021, 2:51 pm
keym wrote:
The question is what's the goal?
To feed parent's ego of being obeyed or to raise a child who grows up knowing how to communicate like a mentch.
Scenario 1)
Mom: Yossi, time to put away bike and come inside.
Child: No. I don't wanna listen to you.
Mom: That's chutzpa. No dessert

Scenario 2)
Mom: Yossi, time to put away bike and come inside
Child: No. I don't wanna listen to you.
Mom: I hear you want to still play, but there's a way to ask Mommy respectfully. Please ask nicely.
Child: Please can I play for 5 more minutes. Moishy and I are having so much fun.
Mom: I want to allow it. But you were rude and chutzpadik to Mommy. Tonight I'll allow 3 extra minutes, but tomorrow if you remember to talk with Derech Eretz, you can stay out for 7 extra minutes.


What if I don't want to give my child an extra 7 minutes ever?
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mizle10




 
 
 
 

Post Mon, Mar 15 2021, 2:55 pm
These imaginary conversations are making me laugh. Sure, if I tell my child I understand them and they should please rephrase that in a nice way they will calm down and talk respectfully. Or, they will scream BUT I DONT WANT TO and have a fit. I’m guessing it will be the latter.
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