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Forum -> Yom Tov / Holidays -> Pesach
I’m struggling to find the joy



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amother
OP


 

Post Wed, Mar 24 2021, 8:53 pm
OTOH I don’t want to be ungrateful, I have a healthy, normal (read: regular ups and downs) wonderful family and we’ll be spending Pesach together. We are not financially strapped at this moment bH. I have so much to be grateful for! And.. where oh where, please tell me, where is the joy in all of this? There is so much pressure. So much work. Between outfitting the family, the errands, the cleaning, the food shopping (8 boxes today and this was my second shopping), the kids home all day (ahhhh), the cooking!, on top of all the regular laundry, meals and child care, the turning over, the stress of the limbo period where there’s no chometz in the house but it’s not Pesach yet. Please help me feel joy. I do want to. But I’m confused as to how all this is conducive to joy. No judgment please.
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PinkFridge




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Mar 24 2021, 9:38 pm
https://www.goodreads.com/quot.....awoke

Schvester Selma had this quote hanging up in her room.
I don't have anything fluffy now; I haven't been sleeping well and really should be winding down. Right now, this works for me.
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amother
Azure


 

Post Wed, Mar 24 2021, 9:48 pm
amother [ OP ] wrote:
OTOH I don’t want to be ungrateful, I have a healthy, normal (read: regular ups and downs) wonderful family and we’ll be spending Pesach together. We are not financially strapped at this moment bH. I have so much to be grateful for! And.. where oh where, please tell me, where is the joy in all of this? There is so much pressure. So much work. Between outfitting the family, the errands, the cleaning, the food shopping (8 boxes today and this was my second shopping), the kids home all day (ahhhh), the cooking!, on top of all the regular laundry, meals and child care, the turning over, the stress of the limbo period where there’s no chometz in the house but it’s not Pesach yet. Please help me feel joy. I do want to. But I’m confused as to how all this is conducive to joy. No judgment please.


Hahahaha why does everyone think all moments in life are joyful? They’re not! It’s okay! You’re stressed, just know it will all work out.
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professor




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Mar 24 2021, 9:53 pm
I have my BFF "alexa" playing music for me and telling me stories and jokes while I do house work. Kids dance to it and every now and then I have to stop and get my phone to take emergency videos of the kids while they dance to Nissim Black's very leibidik song.

If you don't have alexa, maybe use the other devices they used in the oldendays.

I am probably just mean, because I don't even have to cook for pesach this year. But this is just my idea.
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tichellady




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Mar 24 2021, 10:58 pm
For me the joy only comes after yomtov starts
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amother
Powderblue


 

Post Wed, Mar 24 2021, 11:17 pm
I could use a bit more joy. Pesach is always a lot of grueling work. Thanks to corona this is 2nd year family that usually comes won't come. We were all bummed out about it but then decided we would really do some different and fun things for our seder this year since it's just DH and kids and myself and we can be a little loose and creative. I prepared a bunch of fun games and activities. Then a neighbor asked if I could please, please take in some of her relatives for seders because she is so maxed out on space and can't fit them. I think this is weird -- don't understand that point of them coming if not to spend seders together but I couldn't bring myself to say no. So now we have strangers at our seders - which I know it's a mitzvah, we are taking them in, hospitality and all that - but it really messes up our little plan. No more loose and relaxed. No more games and activities. (My shy kids will probably not say a word all night, let alone play these games in front of new people). No more just serving soup for dinner because it's so late and we're so full on matza and wine already. I really need help reframing this so I can feel joyful instead of inconvenienced.
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tichellady




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Mar 24 2021, 11:22 pm
amother [ Powderblue ] wrote:
I could use a bit more joy. Pesach is always a lot of grueling work. Thanks to corona this is 2nd year family that usually comes won't come. We were all bummed out about it but then decided we would really do some different and fun things for our seder this year since it's just DH and kids and myself and we can be a little loose and creative. I prepared a bunch of fun games and activities. Then a neighbor asked if I could please, please take in some of her relatives for seders because she is so maxed out on space and can't fit them. I think this is weird -- don't understand that point of them coming if not to spend seders together but I couldn't bring myself to say no. So now we have strangers at our seders - which I know it's a mitzvah, we are taking them in, hospitality and all that - but it really messes up our little plan. No more loose and relaxed. No more games and activities. (My shy kids will probably not say a word all night, let alone play these games in front of new people). No more just serving soup for dinner because it's so late and we're so full on matza and wine already. I really need help reframing this so I can feel joyful instead of inconvenienced.


That is bizarre and I would not say yes. Is it too late to say no?
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amother
Green


 

Post Wed, Mar 24 2021, 11:30 pm
I absolutely love Pesach, work and all!

We should be joyful and grateful that we can celebrate Pesach!

My grandfather told me how during the holocaust they somehow managed to have matzah and wine and how people had tears in their eyes! Let's not forget how many generations before us fought so hard so we can have these beautiful and comfortable sedarim.

Chag Pesach Sameach!
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amother
Powderblue


 

Post Wed, Mar 24 2021, 11:56 pm
tichellady wrote:
That is bizarre and I would not say yes. Is it too late to say no?


Tichellady, you are NOT helping me put a good spin on this, lol! LOL

The truth is that I was all set to tell this neighbor of mine to shove it but my little daughter overheard me discussing this with DH and said, "How are we going to sit down at the seder and say "let all who are hungry come and eat" and we told people they can't come?

I turned into totally shamed mush. So they're coming.
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amother
Denim


 

Post Thu, Mar 25 2021, 12:15 am
amother [ Powderblue ] wrote:
Tichellady, you are NOT helping me put a good spin on this, lol! LOL

The truth is that I was all set to tell this neighbor of mine to shove it but my little daughter overheard me discussing this with DH and said, "How are we going to sit down at the seder and say "let all who are hungry come and eat" and we told people they can't come?

I turned into totally shamed mush. So they're coming.

WOW. You don't need a reframe. That is literally bringing tears to my eyes.

Please keep your games and activities for a fun family Chol Hamoed night. Buy your kids a present and tell them that only Hashem can reward them properly for their Hachnosas Orchim, but you want to give them something too. At the seder, give out lots of treats and tell an inspirational story of someone leaving their "Mitzrayim" by doing something hard for them that they knew was the right thing.
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amother
Denim


 

Post Thu, Mar 25 2021, 12:28 am
amother [ OP ] wrote:
OTOH I don’t want to be ungrateful, I have a healthy, normal (read: regular ups and downs) wonderful family and we’ll be spending Pesach together. We are not financially strapped at this moment bH. I have so much to be grateful for! And.. where oh where, please tell me, where is the joy in all of this? There is so much pressure. So much work. Between outfitting the family, the errands, the cleaning, the food shopping (8 boxes today and this was my second shopping), the kids home all day (ahhhh), the cooking!, on top of all the regular laundry, meals and child care, the turning over, the stress of the limbo period where there’s no chometz in the house but it’s not Pesach yet. Please help me feel joy. I do want to. But I’m confused as to how all this is conducive to joy. No judgment please.

I totally turned off the pressure in my mind years ago. I don't feel much more stress about Pesach as I do on a regular Erev Shabbos, I.e. I'm a frazzled mess for a few hours because I'm so disorganized, but there's no long-term agony.

I know that Hashem knows who I am, a flaky and lazy chocolate-loving woman. He gave me a Yom Tov Pesach that requires not eating or owning chometz, and I'm supposed to do my best for that. As an added twist, I am supposed to make sure there are no tempting chometz morsels hanging around my house so that nobody ends up accidentally noshing them on Pesach. For that, DH has to search every nook and cranny by (romantic) candlelight. As a supportive wife, I try to make the house decent so searching is less of an obstacle course.

I make a menu weeks in advance (because sitting on a computer is much more fun than actually doing the laundry) and I don't even dream of having everything cooked before Yom Tov. I leave the oven on 350 for 3 days. I make food orders and have DH pick them up or get them delivered. I don't buy lots of new clothes for Pesach, I make do with what we have plus one new thing. By some ironic twist of Hashgacha Protis, despite having more kids than ever before, and with a super-demanding baby, the house is oddly pretty clean this year and it's not even Leil Bedikas Chometz yet!

You have amazingly high standards and your home is probably gleaming unlike mine, but if you know that you are doing all that bonus work FOR HASHEM you might enjoy it more! You don't HAVE to do all those things, but you want to because you want to give Hashem a beautiful Pesach!

Don't be SCARED of chometz, it's nothing to fear. You are just doing your best and Hashem is doing the rest.

There's a story of a chosid who was extremely careful on Pesach. He did every chumra in the book, plus many new ones. He even drew all of his water before Pesach and stored it in a special barrel in case someone might drop chometz in the well or the river. He even refrained from visiting his Rebbe on Pesach in case someone might offer him something to eat and it would be awkward to refuse.

I'll leave out many of the details, but towards the end of Pesach, his Rebbe sent a message to this chosid that there was chometz in his water barrel. The man checked, found a slice of bread inside and fainted. Later the Rebbe explained to him that his extreme precautions were because he had been too confident in his own ability to protect himself from chometz. He'd forgotten that Hashem runs the world and only Hashem can ensure that he keeps the mitzvah properly.

Same is with you and me. We have a job to do, but we don't have to be stressed about it. We're doing a mitzvah, and although we do our best, we're not expected to be perfect.
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amother
Copper


 

Post Thu, Mar 25 2021, 1:14 am
Making Pesach is hard work.
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naomi2




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Mar 25 2021, 7:50 am
Dear powderblue amother,
Please please don't change your seder because guests are coming! I'm sure they would love to see fun and games. There is no one way to conduct a seder except that it should be memorable for the kids this yom tov is ALL ABOUT THE KIDS!
The only thing I would change is also to serve chicken and kugel but that's really it. And only because I love to eat and would literally cry if I didn't get to eat after magid.

It's definitely weird that she unloaded her relatives on you for the seder but hey, people do weird things sometimes.
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professor




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Mar 25 2021, 8:44 am
amother [ Powderblue ] wrote:
Tichellady, you are NOT helping me put a good spin on this, lol! LOL

The truth is that I was all set to tell this neighbor of mine to shove it but my little daughter overheard me discussing this with DH and said, "How are we going to sit down at the seder and say "let all who are hungry come and eat" and we told people they can't come?

I turned into totally shamed mush. So they're coming.


Can I be your daughter too?

Kidding, I love my mother, but WOW!
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PinkFridge




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Mar 25 2021, 9:35 am
amother [ Copper ] wrote:
Making Pesach is hard work.


It is, and kol hakavod to everyone here.

You know, I could go Pollyanna on you and make up some narrative like, at this time last year, I was gasping with COVID, the stores were limited, I didn't have strength to lift the egg beater, so of course this year I'm just floating on air the whole time.

But I don't know if anyone is floating per se. Do they have perspective? Yes. Do they have guilt for feeling stress? I'm sure Twisted Evil Not that they should. Not that anyone should.

Copper said it. It's hard work. A mechaneches taught me this: when we do something important that's also difficult, we need to reward our guf for shlepping along with the yetzer tov. IOW, we couldn't make the major moral victorious decisions and do good things if the guf wasn't doing it's job. So do something positive. Whether it's new clothes or a new magazine or maybe scheduling something special for after yom tov (mani pedi if that's your thing, whatever), we need to give ourselves pats on the back.

But a word about joy. There are different types of healthy joy. Think of the megillah and laYehudim. When we saw the yeshua, there was amazing simcha. Does that last? You have to work at it. And when you work at it there's another simcha, the long term enduring one that's the template for your life. Maybe some people who aren't finding the joy - and I do NOT mean OP, or the OP of a similar thread I saw last night - need some tell it like it is self-talk (the Holocaust, COVID, whatever). But I believe that while it can be helpful, it can lead to unproductive guilt. Hold the thoughts, put them in your toolbox. But the main thing is. just keep working. Know you're doing the most important and amazing things you can be doing now. Try to smile. Let the kids and family know that you might be feeling stress but it's a privilege to be doing something important. I truly believe that with such (heroic) efforts, the simcha will come at some point over the next week and half.

Chag kasher and yes, sameach!
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Jenmom




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Mar 25 2021, 4:06 pm
amother [ OP ] wrote:
OTOH I don’t want to be ungrateful, I have a healthy, normal (read: regular ups and downs) wonderful family and we’ll be spending Pesach together. We are not financially strapped at this moment bH. I have so much to be grateful for! And.. where oh where, please tell me, where is the joy in all of this? There is so much pressure. So much work. Between outfitting the family, the errands, the cleaning, the food shopping (8 boxes today and this was my second shopping), the kids home all day (ahhhh), the cooking!, on top of all the regular laundry, meals and child care, the turning over, the stress of the limbo period where there’s no chometz in the house but it’s not Pesach yet. Please help me feel joy. I do want to. But I’m confused as to how all this is conducive to joy. No judgment please.


I found it very hard when I was younger. No lie, raising young children is very hard and often feels thankless and like an endless grind. You do have to be sure to take some time for yourself to refresh and renew. Is there anyone who can give you even an hour or two off once in a while? A relative, a friend?
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tichellady




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Mar 25 2021, 4:50 pm
amother [ Powderblue ] wrote:
Tichellady, you are NOT helping me put a good spin on this, lol! LOL

The truth is that I was all set to tell this neighbor of mine to shove it but my little daughter overheard me discussing this with DH and said, "How are we going to sit down at the seder and say "let all who are hungry come and eat" and we told people they can't come?

I turned into totally shamed mush. So they're coming.


Sorry! I think you are doing something great. Just try to do your Seder how you want and don’t cater to them. Don’t sacrifice your kids for them. Yes I would serve more food if having guests but it can still be kid centric
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amother
Jade


 

Post Thu, Mar 25 2021, 5:22 pm
tichellady wrote:
For me the joy only comes after yomtov starts

My joy starts after Yom tov ends. Sad
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NotInNJMommy




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Mar 25 2021, 5:49 pm
Usually when I'm struggling the most to feel "joy" in anything, it because I want something out of my control to be different. That has been true with Pesach, my job, other personal aspects of life. When I got myself in a state to accept what preparing for Pesach is, what my employer is, what other things are--and none of the challenges are dangerous or at odds with ethics, health, etc.--I found myself less miserable, less stressed (but still stressed lol), and, yes, feeling more calm, at peace, and at times even happy. I focus my energies on what I can control, which of course still comes with frustrations, stress, etc., but I'm more likely to come through a solution and to feel better not only when that solution is achieved, but also while I'm going about it. But, it's all hard. I think also I accepted that it's ok to feel like it's hard, to not feel good about some things at some times. That also helped.
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greenhelm




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Mar 25 2021, 7:42 pm
amother [ Powderblue ] wrote:
Tichellady, you are NOT helping me put a good spin on this, lol! LOL

The truth is that I was all set to tell this neighbor of mine to shove it but my little daughter overheard me discussing this with DH and said, "How are we going to sit down at the seder and say "let all who are hungry come and eat" and we told people they can't come?

I turned into totally shamed mush. So they're coming.


You have raised your children so beautifully! What a wonderful soul your daughter is!
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