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Splitting Image (voice of Lakewood)

 
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amother




OP
 

Post Wed, Mar 31 2021, 9:37 pm
What do you all think of the serial story splitting image? It features a couple who becomes estranged from her parents. The topic fascinates me because I’m going through something similar but can’t admit it to anyone. How common is this really? If I opened up then would I find others in the same boat?
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amother




Lavender
 

Post Wed, Mar 31 2021, 9:56 pm
Also have a similar situation. I love reading it.
I would never cut off ties but the whole family dances around her.
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amother




Olive
 

Post Wed, Mar 31 2021, 10:02 pm
I also grew up with a difficult and interfering mother. My therapist helped me with boundaries and other issues (including other difficult family members). She didn't have me cut off from my family. For me, this was much more preferable. I can imagine sometimes cutting off is necessary, but everything else should be tried before that. It should definitely not be a quick or light decision. Probably Daas Torah should be consulted as well.
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amother




Powderblue
 

Post Wed, Mar 31 2021, 10:19 pm
I have a similar mother.
I have strong boundaries in place. I have met with rabbonim and therapists throughout my life.

Her lack of love or connection with me led to me not keeping shabbos or kosher, shoplifting, not having friends, lying, hating my body. (I am a hardcore Lakewood girl.)
Chasdei Hashem other family members as well as kind non family members served as role models and I am living a torah life with my family (husband and children) today. I work hard not to be like her.
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amother




OP
 

Post Thu, Apr 01 2021, 9:01 am
amother [ Olive ] wrote:
I also grew up with a difficult and interfering mother. My therapist helped me with boundaries and other issues (including other difficult family members). She didn't have me cut off from my family. For me, this was much more preferable. I can imagine sometimes cutting off is necessary, but everything else should be tried before that. It should definitely not be a quick or light decision. Probably Daas Torah should be consulted as well.
Oh absolutely. This story is very sensationalized.
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amother




OP
 

Post Thu, Apr 01 2021, 9:03 am
amother [ Powderblue ] wrote:
I have a similar mother.
I have strong boundaries in place. I have met with rabbonim and therapists throughout my life.

Her lack of love or connection with me led to me not keeping shabbos or kosher, shoplifting, not having friends, lying, hating my body. (I am a hardcore Lakewood girl.)
Chasdei Hashem other family members as well as kind non family members served as role models and I am living a torah life with my family (husband and children) today. I work hard not to be like her.
Lots of hugs. That is amazing that you got the support you needed and are frum and function well today.
I’m interested to see where they take the story as far as putting boundaries in place.
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Simple1




 
 
 
 

Post Thu, Apr 01 2021, 9:18 am
amother [ OP ] wrote:
Oh absolutely. This story is very sensationalized.


I have a hard time believing a real therapist would act that way. But it very much reminded me of all those threads on here where someone mentions any disagreement with their parents and posters are so quick to yell BPD, narcissist. Don't let her into your life. A middle ground practical approach was needed.
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amother




Olive
 

Post Thu, Apr 01 2021, 10:56 am
amother [ Powderblue ] wrote:
I have a similar mother.
I have strong boundaries in place. I have met with rabbonim and therapists throughout my life.

Her lack of love or connection with me led to me not keeping shabbos or kosher, shoplifting, not having friends, lying, hating my body. (I am a hardcore Lakewood girl.)
Chasdei Hashem other family members as well as kind non family members served as role models and I am living a torah life with my family (husband and children) today. I work hard not to be like her.


Wow, good for you. I find myself encouraged and empowered when I encounter people like you who have rebuilt their lives on healthier ground, despite what they grew up with.
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amother




Olive
 

Post Thu, Apr 01 2021, 10:58 am
Simple1 wrote:
I have a hard time believing a real therapist would act that way. But it very much reminded me of all those threads on here where someone mentions any disagreement with their parents and posters are so quick to yell BPD, narcissist. Don't let her into your life. A middle ground practical approach was needed.


I definitely have heard of therapists IRL who have advised people to cut off from parents. I don't know the details, of course, and I wouldn't judge anyone. I do hope these decisions are made only with experience, Daas Torah, and when absolutely no other solution could be worked out.
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amother




Aqua
 

Post Thu, Apr 01 2021, 11:10 am
My mother a"h mother was somewhat difficult and could get moody. Upon analyzing, I noticed my siblings were successful at creating mental boundaries. That is, not be affected by things she said and let it slide right off. I guess you can say they were "chilled". With good mental boundaries, you don't really need much physical boundaries. I regret not doing the same. I was sensitive and let myself get riled up and upset. Overall, I could've had a better relationship, because she did have many good things about her. In other words, my advice would be to do what you can for kibud av va'em. Don't do what you can't do. And just don't overthink it.

I think the siblings in the story were similar to how my siblings were, just very nonchalant, a nd like the subject of the story, I am a people pleaser
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amother




Mistyrose
 

Post Thu, Apr 01 2021, 12:22 pm
I don't read these stories but it's not really right to judge people in real life. Sentences like you should never cut off, or there are other ways to do things, or try other things, or a good therapist helps you find other ways etc... is extremely damaging to those who had to cut off family. Many times it is life or death and you have no idea how much people suffer until they cut their families off. Even if YOU were able to not cut off your family does not mean someone else didn't have to.
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