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Forum
-> Yom Tov / Holidays
-> Pesach
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amother
OP
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 Thu, Apr 01 2021, 2:50 pm
| PinkFridge wrote: | I don't know how feasible a hotel is. It's big $$$ to get a really enjoyable program. You might be comped if your husband's a scholar in residence but often the wives have to work too.
So for the moment, I'll assume you can't get away, even if your husband didn't have to be there for his kehilla.
What you need to do is find ways to make things easier for yourself. Hold these thoughts for Succos:
1. Everyone brings their own linens and makes their beds.
2. You have scheduled time off every day.
3. The kids help with the cooking. ETA: and cleaning.
4. You never do child care, even to give a well-deserved morning off to a tired, hard working, contributing daughter or dil. (UNLESS you are feeling refreshed because of the new world order you'll be setting.)
5. You keep your eye on the post-yom tov prize of some pampering that floats your boat: a massage, a new pair of shoes, new book, whatever.
En
May Hashem give you renewed koach, and may you see the kiyum of v'chol mi she'oskim b'tzarchei tzibbur be'emunah etc. |
Sukkot is no problem since the shul has Shabbat and YT meals.
Let them all come then, which they do.
Then I enjoy the kids.
Please let me babysit. I love playing games, lego with them.
Maybe I’m spoiled but getting a good book, magazine, massage, is every day fair for me
What I want is a kosher vacation.
Maybe because we haven’t been able to go toEY in FOREVER. I say EY because of the breakfast (and in some hotels dinner) they serve. Then you go around the rest of the day and have something light later on.
We use to go between Pesach and Shavuot
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amother
Hotpink
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Thu, Apr 01 2021, 2:51 pm
Regarding affordability- yes some go themselves or take one family on a rotating yearly turn- at certain ages and situations a change is best
Hugs and hatzlocha
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amother
OP
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Thu, Apr 01 2021, 2:57 pm
| Sesame wrote: | You don’t want them, you’re doing this with resentment. That’s not nice for anyone!!
If you don’t want to say no and it’s easier for you “to zip your mouth” then the problem lies with yourself. There’s nothing wrong with saying no, or with setting clear boundaries of duration of stay, and expectations of help.
BUT I don’t understand. You’re resentful for having to be the host, but equally want to be hosted? Surely if you see hosting as something bad, you wouldn’t want to put that burden on someone else?
I personally think it would be more fair to yourself AND your child to not host them if this is what you feel!! |
When I say hosted I mean at a hotel
I pay
The owners of the program are called the hosts
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amother
Fuchsia
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Thu, Apr 01 2021, 4:03 pm
I do not have time to read the entire thread, and I understand that you said you are being quiet because they will get insulted. So, in a way, you made a choice, but you were also forced. And, I've been in that position many years, being quiet and doing things I didnt want to, getting more resentful etc. ,but now I've decided not to do anymore. Yes, they are insulted, but I made that choice for myself, and I'm not selfish because I did so much for
My family that I have a right to say I need a break.
So too for you, it's a hard position, but you might just have to tell the family you are hosting that you will be serving very simple meals. And maybe buy a few kegels, make simple main dish, and if they are hungry, let them eat more matzo and mayonnaise or matzah and cream cheese etc.
Or, you can tell them, they can bring some dishes which means maybe they need to buy some foods if they didnt masher their kitchen.
I think you need to lower your expectations and theirs and doing less.
Even when I used to go to my parents years ago, I used to have to bring food to my parents that I bought or cooked, and I knew my mom needed my help. I went because my mom wanted to see my kids. But, my mom needed help, and I helped do a lot. My mom made it clear that I shouldn't expect to be pampered by the fact that she didn't cater to us. And, it's okay for you to do that too.
Of course, it's hard because all these years, you have been setting high expectations for your family, but I think you need to start making changes.
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amother
OP
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Thu, Apr 01 2021, 4:07 pm
| amother [ Fuchsia ] wrote: | I do not have time to read the entire thread, and I understand that you said you are being quiet because they will get insulted. So, in a way, you made a choice, but you were also forced. And, I've been in that position many years, being quiet and doing things I didnt want to, getting more resentful etc. ,but now I've decided not to do anymore. Yes, they are insulted, but I made that choice for myself, and I'm not selfish because I did so much for
My family that I have a right to say I need a break.
So too for you, it's a hard position, but you might just have to tell the family you are hosting that you will be serving very simple meals. And maybe buy a few kegels, make simple main dish, and if they are hungry, let them eat more matzo and mayonnaise or matzah and cream cheese etc.
Or, you can tell them, they can bring some dishes which means maybe they need to buy some foods if they didnt masher their kitchen.
I think you need to lower your expectations and theirs and doing less.
Even when I used to go to my parents years ago, I used to have to bring food to my parents that I bought or cooked, and I knew my mom needed my help. I went because my mom wanted to see my kids. But, my mom needed help, and I helped do a lot. My mom made it clear that I shouldn't expect to be pampered by the fact that she didn't cater to us. And, it's okay for you to do that too.
Of course, it's hard because all these years, you have been setting high expectations for your family, but I think you need to start making changes. |
I tried asking if they can make or buy a few dishes.
Their answer was “what you expect us to Kasher our kitchen?”
Maybe it’s because they are constantly eating
And then after I make something, they tell me oh the kids don’t like it.
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watergirl
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Thu, Apr 01 2021, 4:08 pm
| amother [ OP ] wrote: | I tried asking if they can make or buy a few dishes.
Their answer was “what you expect us to Kasher our kitchen?” |
Why cant they make the food in your kitchen while you take a break?
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amother
OP
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Thu, Apr 01 2021, 4:12 pm
| watergirl wrote: | | Why cant they make the food in your kitchen while you take a break? |
Because they leave such a mess it’s not worth it for me.
They say I’ll do it I’ll do it but it just accumulates
Then I wake up to a dirty kitchen with sticky counters and a sink full of dishes
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watergirl
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Thu, Apr 01 2021, 4:14 pm
| amother [ OP ] wrote: | | Because they leave such a mess it’s not worth it for me. |
They have to clean up also, to your standards.no “I’ll do it later”. Its on you to stand up for yourself.
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amother
OP
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Thu, Apr 01 2021, 4:16 pm
| watergirl wrote: | | They have to clean up also, to your standards.no “I’ll do it later”. Its on you to stand up for yourself. |
They want a resort feel with me paying for it.
I also pay for their plane ride.
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watergirl
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Thu, Apr 01 2021, 4:18 pm
| amother [ OP ] wrote: | They want a resort feel with me paying for it.
I also pay for their plane ride. |
Maybe its time to stop hosting pesach if you wont make and enforce rules and feel (rightfully) so resentful.
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amother
Yellow
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Thu, Apr 01 2021, 4:29 pm
I had the opposite problem...I am in a new stage where my parents and in laws expect to be hosted. We were never able to go to my parents for longer than a Shabbos because my mom can't handle it, and my in laws said they can't handle us for the first days anymore, they want to be invited to us from now on. They say when they are coming, and decide when to leave. They get dressed up, keep their nice homes sparkling clean, and come here where I've spent two days making sure everything is presentable for them, and they eat the meals I spent hours preparing, and play with my kids until they dont feel like it, and then go nap and leave me with the clean up. My mil, who never wears make-up at home (and I mean even when it's just her and my fil, most of the time) brings a big bag of makeup to apply when she comes to me.
They smirk at my rules, they are passive aggressive, they whisper things to my teenagers which makes me feel strange and threatened. Meanwhile my teens complain about the food I made and our parents validate and sympathise. My little ones blab things I am working on with their siblings so I get lots of unsolicited judgement and parenting advice.
And then they leave, and no one gifts me a massage or a vacation. I get a lovely handmade gift so my mom can show off her hobbies, and she can get lots of compliments.
I am feeling really resentful, I so badly want to be "good," to perform the mitzvah of kibbud av veim with grace and goodwill and love. I want my children to treat me well one day.
Why does it have to be so emotionally painful?
Sorry if I'm hijacking op, but your thread triggered me and I need to vent. I feel so sad and disconnected to our parents. They all have very difficult backgrounds, and really tried to do better for my husband and me when we were growing up. But there are some narcissist and insecure traits that are just so draining. I don't know why, but between the neediness of our parents and the normal angstiness of our teens, I dont really want to be alive anymore...I see a future of hosting and unforgiving hard work between parents that will grow more needy as they age, and children and grandchildren that will expect a lot, too. As you wrote Op, I want to be pampered. I am caught between my higher self feeling compassion for our parents and children, and my lower self thinking I can't be the abused shmattah.
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#BestBubby
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Thu, Apr 01 2021, 4:46 pm
Maybe it is time to "retire" and go to your children for Pesach?
Or just do Pesach for the 2 of you and get together with kids on a chol hamoed trip
or even a chol hamoed lunch and/or dinner (still just one or two meals).
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amother
Fuchsia
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Thu, Apr 01 2021, 4:59 pm
| amother [ OP ] wrote: | I tried asking if they can make or buy a few dishes.
Their answer was “what you expect us to Kasher our kitchen?”
Maybe it’s because they are constantly eating
And then after I make something, they tell me oh the kids don’t like it. |
I agree that they'll probably leave a mess if they make it themselves in your kitchen, if they refuse to bring food, then have simple food, and if they dont like it, eat matzo if they are hungry, too bad! This yom tov should not be at your expense.
Yes, they expect a resort feel, so you should stop being a resort. It's hard, but you must do it.
(As a side note, If you have the $ to pay for a hotel for you and/or your kids, why can't you buy some kugels/chicken, serve simple instead of cooking?)
Anyway, this is about you learning to say no and having to face them being insulted. It's hard, so if you cant do it, then this is just a vent. I'm sorry that yom tov is so hard for you.
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amother
Seafoam
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Thu, Apr 01 2021, 5:23 pm
| amother [ OP ] wrote: | Because they leave such a mess it’s not worth it for me.
They say I’ll do it I’ll do it but it just accumulates
Then I wake up to a dirty kitchen with sticky counters and a sink full of dishes |
I wish I didn't have to say this, but you're enabling them. It's up to you to stop enabling and change the dynamics.
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cbsp
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Thu, Apr 01 2021, 5:33 pm
| amother [ OP ] wrote: | Because they leave such a mess it’s not worth it for me.
They say I’ll do it I’ll do it but it just accumulates
Then I wake up to a dirty kitchen with sticky counters and a sink full of dishes |
Would you consider a personal chef?
They can do the shopping, food prep all in your kitchen, and clean up from the actual cooking. Most you're left with can be the disposable pans used to warm the foods.
Buy fancy disposables for easy cleanup after meals...
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PinkFridge
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Thu, Apr 01 2021, 5:41 pm
| amother [ OP ] wrote: | Sukkot is no problem since the shul has Shabbat and YT meals.
Let them all come then, which they do.
Then I enjoy the kids.
Please let me babysit. I love playing games, lego with them.
Maybe I’m spoiled but getting a good book, magazine, massage, is every day fair for me
What I want is a kosher vacation.
Maybe because we haven’t been able to go toEY in FOREVER. I say EY because of the breakfast (and in some hotels dinner) they serve. Then you go around the rest of the day and have something light later on.
We use to go between Pesach and Shavuot |
Sorry OP.
I was thinking that your husband could probably use a break as well.
I'm sorry for all the levels of pain and annoyance.
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amother
OP
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Thu, Apr 01 2021, 5:56 pm
| amother [ Fuchsia ] wrote: | I agree that they'll probably leave a mess if they make it themselves in your kitchen, if they refuse to bring food, then have simple food, and if they dont like it, eat matzo if they are hungry, too bad! This yom tov should not be at your expense.
Yes, they expect a resort feel, so you should stop being a resort. It's hard, but you must do it.
(As a side note, If you have the $ to pay for a hotel for you and/or your kids, why can't you buy some kugels/chicken, serve simple instead of cooking?)
Anyway, this is about you learning to say no and having to face them being insulted. It's hard, so if you cant do it, then this is just a vent. I'm sorry that yom tov is so hard for you. |
Yes it’s just a vent
And knowing that I can’t go on vacation after(because of covid) is not making it easier
Starting a new thread
ISO- kosher hotel after Pesach
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chestnut
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Thu, Apr 01 2021, 6:02 pm
Warn your kids shortly after pesach is over that next year you're taking a break in hosting. They'll have the whole year to prepare.
Meanwhile you go to a program next year and enjoy it with your husband. Rabbis are allowed to go away, just need to make arrangements.
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chestnut
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Thu, Apr 01 2021, 6:03 pm
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Why don't you go to Florida after pesach? Eat out all you meals.
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amother
OP
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Thu, Apr 01 2021, 6:49 pm
| chestnut wrote: | | Why don't you go to Florida after pesach? Eat out all you meals. |
LoL I live in FL.
I told you I’m spoiled
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