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Favoritism from Aunt to one DC.. what to do? Poll Added
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Poll

Should I let my sister shower one child with attention 2+ times a week
Let sister spend as much time as she wants with favored dc  
 20%  [ 10 ]
Limit sister’s time to the one class that Is not a problem  
 44%  [ 22 ]
Work to find a better balance so favored child could benefit more from my sister’s attention  
 20%  [ 10 ]
Not let my sister spend any one in one time with favored dc  
 16%  [ 8 ]
Total Votes : 50


amother




OP
 

Post Fri, Apr 02 2021, 10:25 am
My sister for some reason show obvious favoritism to one child, only wants to spend time with one child. Our older daughter noticed right away and kept asking why, so We brought it to her attention thinking that maybe she wasn't aware. But she admits she only wants to spend time with one child even after we told her it is negatively effecting oldest daughter (caused jealousy and hate). She asked to take favored child to dance class, And I allowed because oldest dd would still be in school by the time she got back and I was going to sign up oldest dd for a different class anyway. Now she wants to do more activities with the favored child. What should I do or how do approach it? I feel like I should just stop it where it is and not allow any more special attention.

Update: I have tried balancing by giving oldest dd more special attention but apparently failed because at the time oldest dd started expressing hate and not wanting anything to do with favored child. After several months of hard work (and a natural covid separation from sister) they are a loving pair now.
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amother




Ecru
 

Post Fri, Apr 02 2021, 10:39 am
honestly consider whether both kids are treated equally by parents/everyone else. she may sense an unbalance she's (unconsciously or not) trying to even out. was she the younger herself and trying to avoid the child feeling something she herself experienced?

is one kid significantly more challenging? she may be aware of her own limits and what she can handle.

it isn't ideal, but she probably has reasons that are rooted in something very real/true to her

does the other child have a similar special relationship?
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amother




OP
 

Post Fri, Apr 02 2021, 10:47 am
amother [ Ecru ] wrote:


is one kid significantly more challenging? she may be aware of her own limits and what she can handle.

it isn't ideal, but she probably has reasons that are rooted in something very real/true to her



This is the source, my oldest dd is challenging for her, and this she does not enjoy spending time with her. The favored child just goes along with everything. Even when she resists something it is seen as innocent. I do understand her reasoning but I want to protect my oldest dd.
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amother




Taupe
 

Post Fri, Apr 02 2021, 12:45 pm
Aunts don't get to have favorites.
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amother




Turquoise
 

Post Fri, Apr 02 2021, 12:50 pm
amother [ Taupe ] wrote:
Aunts don't get to have favorites.


Um, u may not like it but most do
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amother




Scarlet
 

Post Fri, Apr 02 2021, 1:53 pm
amother [ Turquoise ] wrote:
Um, u may not like it but most do


Doesn't mean they need to act on it. My mother has clear favorites among her grandchildren and yes while I understand that it is a feeling she can't necessarily control, her behavior she can control and as the adult in the relationship I expect her to.
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amother




Green
 

Post Fri, Apr 02 2021, 1:56 pm
amother [ Scarlet ] wrote:
Doesn't mean they need to act on it. My mother has clear favorites among her grandchildren and yes while I understand that it is a feeling she can't necessarily control, her behavior she can control and as the adult in the relationship I expect her to.


I was just thinking the same thing as I was cooking. It hurts so much for the other kids to know that a family member favors a sibling. It's not good for the house dynamics either.

We did cut it short. We didn't like what it was doing to the favored child. It was making him obnoxious and entitled.
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amother




Aqua
 

Post Fri, Apr 02 2021, 1:57 pm
I wouldn't allow it. If she takes one out she has to take the other out too. If she won't find ways to bond with your older child I would put an end to her doing special things with the younger one. It's really damaging to your older child and you shouldn't allow it to happen.
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professor




 
 
 
 

Post Fri, Apr 02 2021, 1:59 pm
It's technically ok for aunt to take little DD to a class while older DD is still in school. Since anyway older DD goes to a different class after school, she wouldn't feel neglected.

The other class she wants to sign her up for, is it also during DD school hours? If yes, why not
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amother




OP
 

Post Fri, Apr 02 2021, 2:39 pm
professor wrote:
It's technically ok for aunt to take little DD to a class while older DD is still in school. Since anyway older DD goes to a different class after school, she wouldn't feel neglected.

The other class she wants to sign her up for, is it also during DD school hours? If yes, why not


oldest dd will be home when my sister wants to take favored dd to the class. Also even if she would be in school oldest dd would find out and put two and two together (favored dd mention time with the aunt, oldest dd see a picture of favored dd with the aunt, extended family talk about time aunt and favored child did such and such). She is very observant.

If it were just iff balance and she spent 70% with favored dc and 30% with oldest dc, then that would be more disguisable . But she wants to spend 100% of time with favored dc.

The way I see it it would only work if oldest dd has her own equal activity that happens to be with someone else. An activity/person she prefers over whatever my sister is doing with favored dc.

Maybe I am thinking too hard about it and should just stop it at the one activity( which was conveniently balancing and activity that oldest dd was going to do anyway).

I guess I fear my sister will not understand and it would turn into some kind of drama or negative feeling towards us. But I’d rather it be that way than sibling rivalry.
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amother




OP
 

Post Fri, Apr 02 2021, 2:40 pm
amother [ Taupe ] wrote:
Aunts don't get to have favorites.


Just curious, does anyone get to have favorites.
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amother




Ecru
 

Post Fri, Apr 02 2021, 2:42 pm
a tough thing to balance. on one hand, disparity is unfortunate; but on the other, the younger one shouldn't be deprived either. that could cause resentment too. imagine the younger feeling they're penalized or missing out on auntie time because of older's challenging behavior. kids pick up on that over time. what might be healthiest is to find a way to increase healthy connections for older with special time too, rather than take away from younger. focus on the positives - yes, sibling has special time with auntie just like you and tatty have special breakfast outings, etc. boost for all rather than remove to equalize, and focus on everyone's unique blessings
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amother




Lime
 

Post Fri, Apr 02 2021, 2:47 pm
What ecru said
Especially as kids get older it is not possible to have everything be exactly even
Teachable moments al pi darko
Teach them both to receive graciously and Hashem Gives us what we need- you can balance out by giving more to the older rsther than interfering with a special relationship.
Also it’s not always easy for a sib with a challenging sib who commands lots of the family’s attention - pulling in and welcoming outside help and resources can be a huge help to everyone
You can point out to a jealous sib that this gives you more time and energy to be with her - teach amd encourage to look at the positive while also validating feelings first
Don’t bring everyone down to the lowest common denominator or force things that cannot be forced- use it for a growth experience
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amother




Magenta
 

Post Fri, Apr 02 2021, 2:57 pm
Yes, it hurts. And, I feel bad for oldest dd, but at the same time, it makes sense that since the oldest dd gives the aunt a harder time, the aunt would rather spend time with your other dd as its enjoyable/easier.

Most parents also have favorites. Like in my family, my inlaws favor their grandchildren from their daughter vs my kids only because I'm married to their son and they are closer to their dd. But, regarding your sister, the behavior of one child vs another makes sense that your sister has a right to choose who is easier"". This is life.
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amother




OP
 

Post Fri, Apr 02 2021, 3:06 pm
amother [ Lime ] wrote:
What ecru said
Especially as kids get older it is not possible to have everything be exactly even
Teachable moments al pi darko
Teach them both to receive graciously and Hashem Gives us what we need- you can balance out by giving more to the older rsther than interfering with a special relationship.
Also it’s not always easy for a sib with a challenging sib who commands lots of the family’s attention - pulling in and welcoming outside help and resources can be a huge help to everyone
You can point out to a jealous sib that this gives you more time and energy to be with her - teach amd encourage to look at the positive while also validating feelings first
Don’t bring everyone down to the lowest common denominator or force things that cannot be forced- use it for a growth experience


It would be difficult for me keep up with the amount of time my sister would want to spend with favored child, I have other children as well it is just not an issue with them yet.

Also I have tried that road and apparently failed because at the time oldest dd started expressing hate and not wanting anything to do with favored child. After several months of hard work (and a natural covid separation from sister) they are a loving pair now.
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amother




OP
 

Post Fri, Apr 02 2021, 3:11 pm
What if we tried to schedule outings with all the extended family. Maybe my sister could sneek off with favored daughter while oldest dd would presumably welcome the attention offered by a different adult that misses her and will shower her with attention. I worry though that my sister would be still be too obvious if my older dd approaches her (be cold).
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amother




Aqua
 

Post Fri, Apr 02 2021, 3:15 pm
No it's not life that some people are treated better than others. I teach my kids about jealousy and about everyone getting what is right for them. But one sibling getting constant affection and special time only makes the other one feel terrible about herself. It's a great way to ensure she suffers from low self esteem. And so what if she's not as easy? Your sister can figure out things to do with her too. Even if it means spending the special time in your house instead of on outings. I can't believe people are so insensitive to their children's feelings. ( Not you op, other comments ) I would worry more about how this is hurting your child and less about your sister's feelings.
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amother




Blue
 

Post Fri, Apr 02 2021, 3:18 pm
Um, aunts do get to have a special kesher to one kid, especially if their are lots of aunts. My favorite nephew is the snuggly one. My DHs is the one with tons of personality, my brother favorites the one who is a serious academic and really a Talmud Chacham. Why can’t you be closer with the one you relate to? Should you have no relationship with anybody? You need to be even handed with birthday gifts and treats, but we all have people we connect to better than others. My sister and my shopping/popular DD click and my dad is closest with my DD who is a tremendous baalat chessed. My mom relates to the one who enjoys baking.

ETA,
It also depends on how old and how smart your sister is, how many other aunts there are and their availability and what is done/meant by favoritism (and how often).
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amother




Green
 

Post Fri, Apr 02 2021, 3:22 pm
It's not always so special to be favored. Look carefully that the child isn't being spoiled excessively and made to feel superior to their siblings. make sure the one doing the favoring isn't grooming the child to question your authority as a parent. From my experience the ones that favor excessively don't usually end up having a very healthy dynamic in many of their relationships.
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amother




Taupe
 

Post Fri, Apr 02 2021, 3:25 pm
amother [ Turquoise ] wrote:
Um, u may not like it but most do

They may have one, but they are not allowed to express it. There is no way to do that without hurting the children. Just like parents, except in a way it can be worse because they don't have the natural, deep unquestionable bond.
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