Home
Log in / Sign Up
    Private Messages   Advanced Search   Rules   New User Guide   FAQ   Advertise   Contact Us  
Forum -> Hobbies, Crafts, and Collections -> Reading Room
How to treat an orphan/story in Ami Living
1  2  3  4  Next



Post new topic   Reply to topic View latest: 24h 48h 72h

amother
OP


 

Post Sun, Apr 04 2021, 10:14 pm
There was a story in the Ami Living about a single mom (widow) who had a 17 year old daughter who called her from school crying that her literature teacher led a conversation about grief and bereavment.

The mom was incensed because she felt it was insensitive and inexcusable for the teacher to make a yesoma go through that. The girl was 5 when her father died.

The mom went to pick her up immediately and the girl stayed home from school the following day as well.

She wrote how each year she made sure to have the school inform the teachers of her daughters status as an orphan, so she found it upsetting that every year, teachers would forget and do insensitive things like this. Another teacher had asked her daughter to prepare a passuk which spoke about not causing pain to a widow and orphan to teach to the class. The girl was mortified to have to teach that passuk. Mom acknowledges that it was a mistake on the teacher's part, since she assigned the pessukim randomly, but she feels it's inexusable to have been so insensitive to have not realized.

The mother reached out to the principal and head of school. They basically defended the teacher for having lead the discussion on death and grief, and said that the girl was allowed to be excused from the discussion if she didnt feel comfortable staying. Mom was outraged that the school could be so insensitive and not retractvtheir position. She got her rav involved and then a world-renowned expert on children who lost a parent. In the end, the school apologized and had the teacher pull this part of her curriculum..

The mom had some internal work to do to be able to forgive the principal of the school (who was a close friend) and in the end, she manages to forgive her.

Have you read the story, and what are your thoughts?
Back to top

amother
Scarlet


 

Post Sun, Apr 04 2021, 10:20 pm
I read it.
The 17 year old needs therapy to get over it. Life isn't going to always be so nice and dandy with people always being careful to not mention death and grieving. She needs to get over it and the sooner the better.
Back to top

amother
Lilac


 

Post Sun, Apr 04 2021, 10:22 pm
I read the story. I think the mom went overboard but I think a teacher should be notified when there is an orphan in her class. That way she can be more sensitive and making her student comfortable. JMHO
Back to top

amother
Ivory


 

Post Sun, Apr 04 2021, 10:39 pm
I am sad at the responses here. I thought the mother was spot on and was happy for the awareness the article would bring. Apparently not!!
Back to top

amother
Lilac


 

Post Sun, Apr 04 2021, 10:42 pm
amother [ Ivory ] wrote:
I am sad at the responses here. I thought the mother was spot on and was happy for the awareness the article would bring. Apparently not!!


Spot on??? Turning over the whole world that death shouldn't be mentioned at all in school? It happens. It is a topic that ppl discuss.
Back to top

amother
Smokey


 

Post Sun, Apr 04 2021, 10:42 pm
I cannot rmmbr the name of the org but they prepared a pamphlet for educators on how to deal with orphaned students, and had perspectives from the kids too. So eye opening. You dont get over this and yes there must be more sensitivity. One orphan wrote that in high school the principal gave her off entire week of yarhtzrit no q asked, and she was also a little girl when parent died.
Back to top

elisheva25




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Apr 04 2021, 10:42 pm
I think they were both overboard and need therapy.
Everyone in their life isn’t going to be always tiptoeing around them .
Back to top

amother
Babypink


 

Post Sun, Apr 04 2021, 10:49 pm
It would be nice if everyone around us could always be very sensitive to the struggles we have been through but sadly it’s not realistic so we have to be able to cope.

I was surprised that classmates had said things like “I would get over losing someone really quickly.” How stupid? The teacher could’ve easily chimed in there though.

The mother is fighting a losing battle because her daughter is 1 year away from adulthood and the real world. If she were 6, I get it. She needs to develop healthier ways to cope.
Back to top

amother
Gold


 

Post Sun, Apr 04 2021, 10:51 pm
as someone whose father died around that time. I'm trying to understand. what exactly was the teacher trying to do. like how did a class on the topic of bereavement come up. Really the only time I dashed out sobbing was in seminary when it was the week of shiva for my grandfather, who was my last surviving "paternal" figure. The teacher was giving a shiur and bellowed father is called av because without a father you don't have aleph beis! That was too much for me. I did go up to him afterwards, once I calmed down to explain my extreme reaction to his shiur. but otherwise I just dealt with stuff.

Yahrtzeit for my father when I was in sem and my family was together for "seuda" was hard. Someone asked me what was wrong. I said I was homesick. the end. missing yizkor in shul that year was also hard. Only learned afterwards that yizkor doesn't actually need to be in shul. But week of yahrtzeit seems over kill.

The most hurtful for me was actually when a highschool classmate would make comments like it was my parents anniversary, when's your parents? and I said I don't know. she made it clear that that was shocking... uhm not if your father died when you were five. Same girl, my niece? likes to pull my father's beard what about yours? and really even then the only reason it bothered me was because I had mentioned in front of the whole class that my father had passed away, maybe she was spacing out then?
Back to top

amother
Blonde


 

Post Sun, Apr 04 2021, 11:00 pm
With certain things, the mother was right. But the discussion about "Our Town" is perfectly normal and appropriate.
Back to top

amother
Khaki


 

Post Sun, Apr 04 2021, 11:03 pm
I actually found it to be extremely insensitive. Doesn’t it say that we should be extra cautious not to hurt a yasom or almana? If this particular child was super sensitive to this subject and the mother had in mind to mention it then the teachers could’ve been more careful. Or at least apologize if they slipped up and try harder next time. It actually had me scratching my head at the insensitivity.
Whether the girl needed trauma therapy or not is really not the point.
Back to top

Mommyg8




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Apr 04 2021, 11:04 pm
It's an extremely serious Torah prohibition to cause pain to an orphan.

Maybe the world won't always tiptoe around her, but school is supposed to be a safe place. Plus there's no reason to be the cause of pain just because there will be more pain down the road. That literally does not make sense.
Back to top

amother
Blonde


 

Post Sun, Apr 04 2021, 11:05 pm
To change the curriculum is tiptoeing around her.
Back to top

amother
Seashell


 

Post Sun, Apr 04 2021, 11:14 pm
amother [ Blonde ] wrote:
To change the curriculum is tiptoeing around her.


We had a curriculum about grief and death. Our teacher made sure to talk about it when the yesoma in our class was out.

I don't know if she was given a heads up, but to spring it on her was extremely insensitive.
Back to top

qwerty4




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Apr 04 2021, 11:15 pm
I think the mother should have put that effort into talking to her daughter about how to process stuff that comes up. The girl lost her father 12 years before this incident, a discussion about grief should not have put her in such a tailspin.
Back to top

Crookshanks




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Apr 05 2021, 12:02 am
Maybe the teachers could have had more awareness, but it seems to me, from the synopsis in this thread, that the mother went overboard in dealing with this.
Back to top

amother
Black


 

Post Mon, Apr 05 2021, 12:07 am
The mother and daughter can both benefit from therapy and the teacher could've been a bit more sensitive as well. It's quite serious to cause pain to an orphan and the teacher giving her that passuk was very insensitive. The way the mother and daughter were reacting was pretty over the top considering that the father passed away 12 years ago.They can use some professional help.
Back to top

amother
Sienna


 

Post Mon, Apr 05 2021, 12:14 am
As a yesoma, the best thing for me was not to be treated differently.
The only thing I did appreciate, was in high school at my fathers shaloshim they had a whole speech about him, and gave me a heads up so that I can decide to skip it.

Everyone has subjects that can trigger them, and we can try our hardest to accommodate but it’s also on the “ victim” to learn to let go, and realize that most people are just clueless.
Back to top

amother
Mistyrose


 

Post Mon, Apr 05 2021, 12:16 am
Speaking as a yesoma here.
Mother went way overboard and daughter needs to learn better coping skills.
If she lost her parent that year or even the year before would be a diff story.
But at age 5?
Back to top

amother
Papaya


 

Post Mon, Apr 05 2021, 12:42 am
amother [ Blonde ] wrote:
With certain things, the mother was right. But the discussion about "Our Town" is perfectly normal and appropriate.

Exactly.
It was an English teacher who had a whole lesson on grief. It sounded like she was a very professional teacher and wanted to have a high level discussion based on the novel. That is totally appropriate and beneficial for the whole class as this was a senior class.
The mother was completely out of line. She even was offended and defended not getting her child proper help.
The school should have allowed the lesson to continue, so all the students could have the future tools to deal with grief. The girl could have sat out the lessons. Then the school should have insisted on therapy for both mother and daughter.
She lost her father 12 years before, if she had such a reaction that many years later, it will only get worse when real life hits her. What will happen next year in college? Will everyone have to tiptoe around her as well?
I’m more concerned for her marriage too.
I’m concerned for her Marta
Back to top
Page 1 of 4 1  2  3  4  Next Recent Topics




Post new topic   Reply to topic    Forum -> Hobbies, Crafts, and Collections -> Reading Room

Related Topics Replies Last Post
Shana Rishona - living separately / 2 cities 16 Today at 1:49 am View last post
Anyone know when ami whisk pesach recipes coming out?
by amother
1 Yesterday at 4:09 pm View last post
Ami business column this week ? Purim joke ?
by amother
17 Mon, Mar 25 2024, 9:40 am View last post
Looking to buy living room couch and chairs
by amother
15 Sat, Mar 23 2024, 11:53 am View last post
Illusions - Ami Serial
by amother
82 Thu, Mar 21 2024, 12:46 pm View last post