Teen "boys" helping out in the house

amother

Sun, Apr 04 2021, 11:58 pm

Mine don't lift a finger and I'm so sad . Me and dh do everything ourselves. Our boys are only busy with their ppl either on their phone or out with friends . Any advice ?

amother

Seafoam

Mon, Apr 05 2021, 12:06 am

Even my teen girl doesn’t do anything. I don’t even ask anymore. Bothers me a lot but it is what it is at this point

gilamom

Mon, Apr 05 2021, 12:07 am

I came in here to suggest asking but I see it's already been mentioned. I'll just reiterate that I find when I give my teen son a specific task, bh he's very good at doing it.

amother

Seashell

Mon, Apr 05 2021, 12:13 am

although I do most by myself, I do want my children to learn to help....I ask them to clean up after they eat, small things......if they really dont want to help, I tell them that they dont get computer/cellphone etc until they help....

I mean, im paying for it. .....and, if I dont teach them now, what will happen when they get married? .....

I know its hard

BrachaVHatzlocha

Mon, Apr 05 2021, 12:15 am

Definitely limit screentime. Like you can use your phone after doing dishes... It's hard when they own their own device.

keym

Mon, Apr 05 2021, 12:19 am

Ive talked to each of my teens, privately about what chores they prefer to do and which they really object to doing.
One boy doesn't mind peeling or sweeping but hates dishes.
So I request as much as possible that he helped me with all the peeling and sweeping and maybe mopping and tried to avoid asking for him to do too much of his despised jobs.
I found that once I took the time to ask his preference and act on it, he was more amenable to be helpful.

DrMom

Mon, Apr 05 2021, 12:40 am

You need to set clear expectations.

"As a part of this household, you are expected to help out with the upkeep. Here's where your father and I need you to pitch in: We need help taking out the garbage, peeling vegetables as part of dinner prep, mopping the bathroom floors and trimming the hedges. Do you want me to assign jobs to each of you, or do you want to pick which jobs to do?"

amother

Magenta

Mon, Apr 05 2021, 12:52 am

How you ask makes a difference. Keep it light and friendly. They will tune out a request that sounds like criticism.
Also, your little man will love to feel like your knight in shining armor. Not your employee.

amother

cornflower

Mon, Apr 05 2021, 1:00 am

I ask for volunteers for specific jobs. It works.
But mine know there is no screentime till the work is done.

amother

Maroon

Mon, Apr 05 2021, 1:24 am

My dh reminds me regularly I have to give chores what they will enjoy. Pick things that play on their strengths they are more likely to get a yes to.
Also they know privileges are more closely tied to being part of our family and team.
BH my teen boys do help for the most part.
Ex
Likes to excersize - take babies on long walk
Likes to bake - give list of 3 tasks and don’t comment on how done
Likes to be in charge - give job to get big task done
Doesn’t like to clean - don’t ask to clear dining room table
Likes adventure - ask to empty attic
Likes to run errands - send to grocery store, around town on bike to pick things up, toivel

BH Yom Yom

Mon, Apr 05 2021, 1:29 am

amother [ Maroon ] wrote:

Brilliant post!

salt

Mon, Apr 05 2021, 1:49 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

Bh I made my son wash the floors . No choice . It's true that giving spasific tasks is helpful.

Amazing! What a great thread - OP asks for advice, gets good advice, puts it to practise and get results! Quite rare on imamother Smile

Don't forget to pour on the compliments. When my dd washes the floor I tell her we don't need mirrors, I can see my face in the floor, it's so shiny!

essie14

Mon, Apr 05 2021, 11:09 am

DrMom wrote:

Exactly this.
Like when covid started and we couldn't have a cleaning lady for a long time, we sat down with the kids and set clear expectations. In the weeks before pesach we tell the kids our schedule of when we want specific things done and they decide who will do each chore.
We explain that this is part of living together in a house.

Chayalle

Mon, Apr 05 2021, 11:17 am

I find that appreciation and rewards go a long way.

My girls helped me do alot one Sunday, and we went to icecream after.

My oldest really went all out there to be helpful. I always treat my big girls to manis for Y"T, and I quietly told her to add a pedi to her mani and put it on my bill. I think she got the message that she was really appreciated (but I also told her, verbally, how much I appreciated her help.)

shabbatiscoming

Mon, Apr 05 2021, 11:19 am

Op, they dont get a choice. As drmom said, being part of a household and family, EVERYONE needs to pull their weight.
And if they dont, there will be consequences.
Thats how we do it in our home.

FranticFrummie

Mon, Apr 05 2021, 11:41 am

Guys like two things. Check lists, and a time limit.

Give them a list of chores. Tell them you don't care in what order things get done, but they NEED to be done by a specific time.

This is not a "Would you please?" request, this is "I need this to get done." You can say all the nice things to them afterwards, but if you are too sweet up front, they will think that the chores are negotiable.

I know it sounds mean, but think about how guys treat each other at work. Nobody says "Honey, I wish you could do such and such, I'd really appreciate it. Thanks sweetie!"

Give them a job, treat them like men, and then give them tons of praise and reinforcement. (And if they start to look uncomfortable, then you are over doing it. Dial it back. Some teens just want a simple "Thanks, that was a big help." )