I’m struggling | Imamother

amother

Wed, Apr 07 2021, 12:18 pm

I’m struggling with lo signov. Not outright stealing, more like bending the truth in non Jewish stores. Then, after, I am overcome with guilt and that I’m going to he-ll
I do not have a rabbi to discuss it with, nor would I be able to
Also, when I was younger, I used to take things from Jewish people. I had a problem and I didn’t realize, I rationalized it. I feel so guilty, and for a multitude of reasons, a few of the things I can’t return or reimburse what I took. One or two places I can send money but I don’t know how much to send. This was years and years ago.
I hate this part of me and I want to be better and I don’t know what to do

amother

Olive

Wed, Apr 07 2021, 12:21 pm

Sounds similar to me. Not the stores aprt but years ago in seminary I wasn't careful with peoples things and would borrow stuff without asking. I won't asked mechila because I'm too embarrassed so I'm just going to h*ll with you...
It's sad because Id like to think that otherwise I'm a decent person.

amother

Lime

Wed, Apr 07 2021, 12:26 pm

OP, if it is an ongoing problem, is there any way you could get therapy for it?
It makes me wonder if maybe you are suffering from kleptomania? Compulsive stealing against your will and better knowledge?

paperflowers

Wed, Apr 07 2021, 12:29 pm

OP, it is so hard to have a problem and feel like you can’t ask for help because of the shame. Perhaps you can do teshuva for the items you can’t repay through azivas hachet, committing not to do it again. It’s not easy, but you can do it. From the details you mentioned, this sounds like an OCD related behavior, so you might want to start with a therapist who specializes in exposure and response prevention.

amother

Ginger

Wed, Apr 07 2021, 12:48 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

I have a relative who was like this. In her 40s, she contacted them and told them what she did. But it takes time to get to this, and frankly, I'm shocked she did it at all. I don't think I could handle it. What you can do is to send them a gift of approximate value to those people, with a message like, "I just wanted to say how thankful I am that you hosted me all those years ago. Here's a gift to show you that I still remember how gracious you were!" Or "I always felt so at home years ago when you had me over, and it's time I give back!" Or something generic like that, so it looks like appreciation instead.

I learned that the yam suf split when it saw the bones of Yosef. Why? Because it said, "if this person could overcome his integral nature and not sleep with the wife of Potifar, I can overtime my nature and split." The lesson was that the hardest, hardest thing one can do in your life is to change one middah, but the results are the most powerful there is.

It's so so inspiring to read your post. The effort it took to write it! The self-introspection! You're so amazing, it's inspiring me to examine my own ways and try to change. We all have so much to change. And if it was hard for Yosef, it's hard for all of us! But look at you! Making those steps to change! So remarkable. Best post I've read in months.

amother

Ginger

Wed, Apr 07 2021, 1:02 pm

Also, to change one middah, you're supposed to go to the opposite extreme. But I don't know how feasible this really is.

Maybe commit to changing one thing you're doing. Like commit to not returning an item after it's been used, ever, and ask Hashem to help you with the money you would have saved. Or commit to being meticulous in one small thing.

imasinger

Wed, Apr 07 2021, 1:57 pm

OP, would you be willing to post on an anonymous online site where you can ask a shaila?

Hearing a reasonable halachic response and course of action might give you relief.

And yes, check into the compulsivity component.

amother

cornflower

Wed, Apr 07 2021, 2:09 pm

I used to steal and shoplift, until I got caught, which was embarrassing and humiliating but the best thing that could have happened because I had to stop my bad habit gold turkey. I still want to return $ to two ppl but can't think of how to do it anonymously.
What may help is only shopping and doing returns with a friend present, so you may be more embarrassed to bend the truth.