When a wedding is split 50/50

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Bnei Berak 10

Tue, Apr 13 2021, 11:28 am

amother [ Mauve ] wrote:

https://malchutjudaica.com/Pesach-Seder-Sets__c-p-0-0-261.aspx
seder set
each man has this had the seder even if he is a guest.

I know one family where every *boy* has his own seder plate and inexpensive seder set. Litvish. Because of chinuch. I love the idea. Btw they have 15 kids.

Chayalle

Tue, Apr 13 2021, 11:28 am

amother [ Mauve ] wrote:

When would you need to buy your husband something?

When I want to?

I remember the year we bought our house.....I just wanted to buy DH a silver Esrog Box. I figured things would get tight really quickly and I just wanted to. I got my neighbor to babysit DD one night and went out to a store during night seder. Hid it till Erev Succos. He was so flabbergasted. It was so nice.

amother

Mauve

Tue, Apr 13 2021, 11:29 am

amother [ Chocolate ] wrote:

Birthday, anniversary, other special occasion like finishing degree or getting a job???

We don't do that.

sky

Tue, Apr 13 2021, 11:29 am

amother [ Mauve ] wrote:

When would you need to buy your husband something?

Birthday
Anniversary
Before a yom tov
Just to say I love you or thank you or just because

Over the years I’ve bought my dh a lot of the items on the list of chosson presents. I think they hold a lot more meaning then things given bec you have to as a chosson / kallah

amother [ Mauve ] wrote:

We don't do that.

You’d dh never gives you a gift. Ever? Birthday, anniversaries, babies, yom tov...

Last edited by sky on Tue, Apr 13 2021, 11:32 am; edited 2 times in total

amother

Chocolate

Tue, Apr 13 2021, 11:30 am

amother [ Mauve ] wrote:

We don't do that.

So you never buy your dh a gift???

Does he buy you gifts?

amother

Mauve

Tue, Apr 13 2021, 11:37 am

amother [ Chocolate ] wrote:

So you never buy your dh a gift???

Does he buy you gifts?

No. Women get push presents.

watergirl

Tue, Apr 13 2021, 11:38 am

amother [ Mauve ] wrote:

We don't do that.

I think you are unique in this way. I do think, and of course I could be wrong, but husbands and wives typically give gifts for various reasons, some listed above and also for chanukah, or for a "just because I was thinking about you" or whatever.

I prefer to receive a gift because it is given from the heart, not because it is on a list of things that are expected to be given.

watergirl

Tue, Apr 13 2021, 11:39 am

amother [ Mauve ] wrote:

No. Women get push presents.

So a women with infertility never gets another gift ever?

Chayalle

Tue, Apr 13 2021, 11:41 am

watergirl wrote:

So a women with infertility never gets another gift ever?

That sounds so sad.

or what about after the childbearing years. That's it?

Fave

Tue, Apr 13 2021, 11:44 am

watergirl wrote:

So a women with infertility never gets another gift ever?

She’s being sarcastic (I think) What

amother

Chocolate

Tue, Apr 13 2021, 11:46 am

I don't know who Mauve is referring to as "we" but I hope it is just her and dh (though I feel bad for them too!) And not a whole community who does this.

I never heard of these kinds of "rules" before.

Bnei Berak 10

Tue, Apr 13 2021, 11:58 am

amother [ Chocolate ] wrote:

So what do people buy their dh's if they already have everything?!

My dh doesn't have an esrog box, silver menorah, Megillah or megillah holder, seder set, or leather bound anything! I got lots of options for gifts. Thanks for all the ideas lol.

While I'm at it: A special cup or receptacle for the famous Salt Water on lel haseder. Smile

A Lechaim necklace to be hanged on the wine bottle. Liquor set with crystal carafe. Wine bottle stopper in silver. Drip ring for bottle. Decanter. Small kidush cups. Batei mezuza. Husband who is a Cohen could use a nice rug on the bimah. On yom kippur a pillow for the kriah-moment during chazarat hashatz.
The possibilities are just endless LOL

essie14

Tue, Apr 13 2021, 12:03 pm

I didnt get a "push present"
DH and I buy each other gifts for birthdays, anniversaries, other special occasions.
I prefer gifts given out of love rather than checking off boxes on some arbitrary list.

Bnei Berak 10

Tue, Apr 13 2021, 12:04 pm

amother [ Mauve ] wrote:

No. Women get push presents.

Flowers for shabbos and yom tov?

watergirl

Tue, Apr 13 2021, 12:18 pm

Bnei Berak 10 wrote:

While I'm at it: A special cup or receptacle for the famous Salt Water on lel haseder. Smile

For what its worth, my husband and I do not give ritual items as gifts for each other. I have no issue with it, but he sees something like a kiddush cup, esrog box, menorah, lichter/candle sticks, matza cover, seder plate/kerah... all those items as gifts for the home, not for an individual. For him, I know this is a touchy subject from his first marriage because he felt he put a lot of thought into gifts for his ex wife and she would present him with a kiddush cup or whatever because she did not like the one he was using or she wanted a more modern one... he saw it as she was buying something she wanted to see on the table. But, I see his point. A kiddush cup is not really a gift for the man as a personal item, it really is a ritual item for the home, even though the man is the one who uses it. In a divorce, sure, the candle sticks go with the wife and the kiddush cup goes with the husband... and I TOTALLY see how someone WOULD feel it is a perfect gift to give as a gift to the husband, but I also do see my husband's point in this respect. So when we decide it's time to buy something, like if we need new little cups for kiddush, we go and pick them together. Same with the kiddush cup, menorah, lichter (crystal); we picked it out together.

Over the years, here are some of the things I've given my husband for chanukah, birthdays, etc.

- set of sefarim he wanted specifically and requested it for the occasion
- ipad for his 40th birthday (his parents and my parents went in on it with me)
- new guitar because his broke, and he chose it, but I paid for it with money from a tutoring job.
- slippers
- cute t-shirt
- toys (like he loves Dr. Who, so from time to time when I see a funny Dr. Who toy, I would buy it)
- personalized bookmark
- kindle
- a cool thingie that holds a phone and clips to his guitar so he can read the tabs as he plays
- many other guitar related accessories
- Yosef Karduner and Breslov guitar songbook

chanchy123

Tue, Apr 13 2021, 12:22 pm

essie14 wrote:

This is what's done in my circles. Anglo DL in Israel
Usually parents of the chattan help him pay for a diamond ring. No other jewelry is "standard"
Wedding is split 50-50, the parents decide together on what kind of wedding they would like to make. No one books a vendor and just hands a bill to the other side. That is crazy to me.
The chattan uses his own money to buy any gifts he would like to give his kallah. Maybe the parents will buy candlesticks.
The kallah uses her own money to buy her chattan a tallit and kittel, maybe her parents buy him a kiddush cup.
The couple is usually on their own with furniture and appliances. The parents assist if they choose to.

I think it really depends on age of the couple and family finances.
I don’t know how common it is to get the kallah a real diamond ring, my ILs bought me one, but I had no expectations. DH was in yeshiva when we got married, his parents paid for everything. The ring, a bracelet for cheder yichuf (most of my friends got some jewellery in cheder yichud). ILs bought me candle sticks and a siddur.
My parents bought a gift (standard is watch or Shas DH wanted a Shas) and talit I bought an embroidered talit and tefilin bag. His parents bought the kitel, and now I’m wondering if my parents were expected to buy it (I was the first child they were marrying off). Oh I also bought DH an expensive (for me at the time) hand crocheted kipa.
I have seen wealthier people give more gifts, my parents couldn’t really even afford the Shas.

amother

Mistyrose

Tue, Apr 13 2021, 12:22 pm

I'm honestly curious how chasidim who don't own businesses etc manage to pay for all these extras ?
Many of us struggle to pay basic wedding expenses....but all the extras fall into the same obligatory category in some circles.

Bnei Berak 10

Tue, Apr 13 2021, 12:25 pm

Watergirl, I just love judaica. My weak spot Smile

keym

Tue, Apr 13 2021, 12:27 pm

watergirl wrote:

I agree partially with your husband.
However I see a difference between something on our table- kiddush cup, challa cover, etc and something that he brings out and "shows off"- atara, esrog holder, lulav case.
Anyways, my husband hates silver, leather, etc and hates spending money on these types of stuff.
His preferred gifts are seforim, tools, earbuds and Bluetooth devices, etc.
For our anniversary, we buy something jointly like the fountain becher, tapestry linen, etc.

watergirl

Tue, Apr 13 2021, 12:33 pm

keym wrote:

I agree with this. I have offered many times to buy my husband a real esrog holder (he is happy with the cardboard box it comes in) and $15 plastic lulav case he got ages ago. I did buy him an atarah when we got married but that was my wedding gift to him (he had just bought himself a new shabbos and weekday tallis the month we met) and he loves the atarah but I think it was his concession to me because I really wanted to buy it. And as a tallis is a thing he literally wears, it really is his item. But I wonder if he would ever agree to let me get him a new one. Our husbands seem similar Smile

Bnei Berak 10 wrote:

Watergirl, I just love judaica. My weak spot Smile

Exactly the point of why this is not really a gift for your husband (unless he is on the same page as you), it is something you are buying because YOU love it. And presenting it to you husband as a gift for him. Like I said, if he loves it too then awesome and keep at it!

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