When a wedding is split 50/50

SixOfWands

Tue, Apr 13 2021, 12:37 pm

Chayalle wrote:

At to Seder sets, in my girls' school (Bais Faiga) starting in the upper grades, they have a Pesach embroidery project. Oldest DD embroidered a towel for Urchatz/Rachtza. Next DD did a Matza cover. Youngest is doing a pillowcase (maybe it'll be done by next year). So by next year, DH will have a Seder set!

That's really lovely. It sounds very very special; may he enjoy it until 120.

My kids all made childish Pesach stuff in nursery school -- a pillow stamped with a matzo design; an afikomen bag with 3 year-old writing on it, etc. We use them every year. Its not silk and crystal, but its very meaningful to us.

amother

Chocolate

Tue, Apr 13 2021, 12:38 pm

watergirl wrote:

Exactly the point of why this is not really a gift for your husband (unless he is on the same page as you), it is something you are buying because YOU love it. And presenting it to you husband as a gift for him. Like I said, if he loves it too then awesome and keep at it!

This is a really good point. My husband thinks all the Judaica stuff is kinda cheesy and unnecessary and over the top. Like the esrog costs enough, do I need a box that costs just as much go shlep it around? (and worry about ruining that too). For dh gifts, I have bought things he actually wants (name brand jacket, nice slippers, belt, wallet, cufflinks, books, tablet, musical instrument).

But if someone else wants to buy us an esrog box or megillah, I wouldn't be disappointed!!

watergirl

Tue, Apr 13 2021, 12:44 pm

amother [ Chocolate ] wrote:

It really is one of those "to each their own" things. A lot of people love a silver esrog box and consider it to be hiddur mitzvah. Kol hakavod to that! Also some people feel that the esrog is the main thing and the box should not take away from that... kol hakavod to him also. Just know your husband when it comes to gift giving. Know what I mean?

amother

Green

Tue, Apr 13 2021, 1:10 pm

amother [ Mauve ] wrote:

We don't do that.

Who's we?

Me and my Chassidishe friends buy our husbands gifts all the time.

And I never heard of a push present until Imamother.

SixOfWands

Tue, Apr 13 2021, 1:13 pm

watergirl wrote:

^^^^^

I read here about men who "need" large sterling silver Chanukiot. I once asked DH, thinking maybe I'd deprived him, and he looked at me like I head 3 heads. He has no comprehension of why the Chanukiah that he bought at the local card store when he moved out of his parents' house isn't perfectly fine. (Confession: we've conveniently "lost" that one because it was truly hideous, but the replacement(s) are similarly priced, but more to my taste.)

That doesn't make one person right or wrong. It makes them different from one another.

SixOfWands

Tue, Apr 13 2021, 1:15 pm

amother [ Green ] wrote:

Who's we?

Me and my Chassidishe friends buy our husbands gifts all the time.

And I never heard of a push present until Imamother.

And I'm not Chassidishe, but I did. Not called a "push present," but a present for the woman giving birth? That's done in my family.

Chayalle

Tue, Apr 13 2021, 1:19 pm

SixOfWands wrote:

Amen! Thank you! And agree, we have items the girls have made that we enjoy using. Apple napkin rings for R"H table, honey dish (we actually have a silver one we got as a wedding gift, but we like the one DD made much better!)

The embroidery project from school really is lovely. And they use the same color scheme of threads, so oldest DD's towel, next DD's matzah cover, and youngest's pillow case, are all coordinated with same threads. They work hard on it, and the result is really nice.

Chayalle

Tue, Apr 13 2021, 1:20 pm

SixOfWands wrote:

And I'm not Chassidishe, but I did. Not called a "push present," but a present for the woman giving birth? That's done in my family.

My yeshivish DH bought me a gift each time I had a baby. His Rebbe told him that it is appropriate to do so, and that stuck with him.

amother

Firebrick

Tue, Apr 13 2021, 1:23 pm

I told my Dh that the gift is the baby.

He did buy me a diamond bracelet at the end of one pregnancy before the birth.
And a diamond ring on the first bday of one of my children.
But I think it was coincidence

sky

Tue, Apr 13 2021, 1:24 pm

SixOfWands wrote:

I found it sad this year a popular Instagram account showed a table with mismatched pillowcases with a comment like fix this to -> and then showed a table where very seat had matching pillow cases. Sure it looks clean and gorgeous but it lost the beauty of what our kids contribute.
And in full disclosure I wanted that clean look until I sat down at our table with our mismatched pillow cases and remembered what is important.
You’ll never see a Jewish magazine showcase a tablescape featuring anything crafty.
I think a lot of these images are pushing for that perfect look these days.

Chayalle

Tue, Apr 13 2021, 1:30 pm

sky wrote:

I hope the kids are allowed to use the projects they work on for their Seder.
My nephew made a personally designed Kittel in his 3-year-old playgroup. He was so proud to wear it to the Seder.

SixOfWands

Tue, Apr 13 2021, 1:35 pm

sky wrote:

They're in the business of selling things to you. If they tell you how great it is to use that stuff, they won't sell.

BTW, I'm on a couple of non-frum Jewish groups on FB. Pretty sure it was one of those groups where people showed a bunch of their seder heirlooms. One woman had a seder tablecloth embroidered with a seder plate. Each year, they added the date of the first seder, and the initials of the hostess. For decades. It was spectacular. But its not going to sell anything.

dancingqueen

Tue, Apr 13 2021, 1:51 pm

Chayalle wrote:

We got Havadallah candles and Besomim Holders (two) as wedding gifts from friends. And someone gave us a nice washcup.

If the parents buy everything, what do friends and relatives do?

That’s what I wonder, don’t people besides parents give gifts at chassidish and Yeshivish weddings? I know registries are not a thing.

keym

Tue, Apr 13 2021, 2:01 pm

dancingqueen wrote:

That’s what I wonder, don’t people besides parents give gifts at chassidish and Yeshivish weddings? I know registries are not a thing.

Yeshivish here.
Friends and family gave us most of our stuff.
Parents and in-laws bought furniture and then at the end filled in the gaps . For example I got 3 sets of towels, 2 sets of linen but no tablecloths so my mother bought that.
My mother also bought all the odds and ends- garbage cans, cleaning supplies, bath mats, toothbrush holders, hooks, shower curtains kind of stuff.
But maybe I'm not typical. I was raised OOT and married 20 years ago. I had a registers and a shower or two.
I'm not sure what yeshivish girls do now.

amother

Blonde

Tue, Apr 13 2021, 4:52 pm

amother [ Mauve ] wrote:

Some individual communities have takanos so it may vary but standard is bracelet, diamond (and kedishin at wedding) ring, pin (many skip this today), pearl necklace, watch, earrings, tichel and shirtzel for shabbos, machzorim, siddur, tehilim etc, candle sticks (sometimes girls side buys the oil one and boys just regular it depends), suitcases, pocket book, colorful tichel, usually you get a vochen ring earring set on a random occasion, baby book of chosson, some people pay for the shaitels, often a silver vase and fake flower arrangement if you're engaged shavuos (sometimes just the flowers not a silver vase).

No wonder parents are having heart attacks!

amother

Blonde

Tue, Apr 13 2021, 4:53 pm

essie14 wrote:

This is what's done in my circles. Anglo DL in Israel
Usually parents of the chattan help him pay for a diamond ring. No other jewelry is "standard"
Wedding is split 50-50, the parents decide together on what kind of wedding they would like to make. No one books a vendor and just hands a bill to the other side. That is crazy to me.
The chattan uses his own money to buy any gifts he would like to give his kallah. Maybe the parents will buy candlesticks.
The kallah uses her own money to buy her chattan a tallit and kittel, maybe her parents buy him a kiddush cup.
The couple is usually on their own with furniture and appliances. The parents assist if they choose to.

This should be the normal for everyone!

amother

Mauve

Tue, Apr 13 2021, 4:56 pm

dancingqueen wrote:

That’s what I wonder, don’t people besides parents give gifts at chassidish and Yeshivish weddings? I know registries are not a thing.

Not really. Small checks, crystal things like candy holder, glasses, etc, friends/siblings may chip in and give a table centerpiece or clock but it isn't really a thing.

We get married with all housewares, furniture, curtains and many chandelier as well. Most people get a food processor, but not everyone gets a vacuum. If you have a bunch of close friends, they may ask if you need a vaccuum or a lamp, poperis, etc.

amother

Magenta

Tue, Apr 13 2021, 5:20 pm

dancingqueen wrote:

That’s what I wonder, don’t people besides parents give gifts at chassidish and Yeshivish weddings? I know registries are not a thing.

I don't know about chassidish weddings, but certainly they do at yeshivish weddings. Most yeshivish people do have registries.

amother

Green

Tue, Apr 13 2021, 5:29 pm

amother [ Mauve ] wrote:

Seems like your family goes a little over the top. Most do not get married with vacuum cleaners, food processors, and chandeliers.

amother

Mauve

Tue, Apr 13 2021, 5:47 pm

amother [ Green ] wrote:

Seems like your family goes a little over the top. Most do not get married with vacuum cleaners, food processors, and chandeliers.

I said some do chandeliers, less do vaccuums. My family does window treatments but no vaccuum.
Everyone does a food processor.