When a wedding is split 50/50

amother

Aqua

Mon, Apr 12 2021, 8:38 am

I don't think you should be the one to go to your mechutanim to make a change. Where is dh? Don't become the go-between. You will regret it.

amother

Mustard

Mon, Apr 12 2021, 8:39 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

My husband was under the impression that everything was split, the vort down to the ring and candlesticks.
.

That's never done. I can't even imagine it. 50/50 means the wedding

Bnei Berak 10

Mon, Apr 12 2021, 9:26 am

amother [ Mauve ] wrote:

So you saved money but generally the other side pays so boys side buys shaitels and girls side the shtreimels. We get 100% synthetic so it's like 7500 for the two shtreimels v $800 for two wigs.

Why two streimels? He can only wear one at the time unless he has two heads Smile

amother

Brunette

Mon, Apr 12 2021, 9:27 am

I would sit downs with DH and the muchatanim (table for 4) and say ok, let’s assess and evaluate to make everything as fair and as affordable as possible. This is the list of ALL the expenses. We payed for the candle sticks, lechayim, you payed for the vort, hat and talis, so far we have spent XYZ, you have spent ABC, we collectively still have the afruf, Sheva brachot, these expenses, and a total budget of LMNOP.
Other than the ring, bring everything into the conversation and let them say we are just discussing the wedding itself, or everything.

doodlesmom

Mon, Apr 12 2021, 9:31 am

In our circles, 50/50 always excludes gifts.
Then usually the Vort/tenoyim/ shabbos sheva brochos is the girls sides responsibility .
The oifruff is the boy sides responsibility.

Bnei Berak 10

Mon, Apr 12 2021, 9:32 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

We are on the same page as what we want.
My husband was under the impression that everything was split, the vort down to the ring and candlesticks.
I have a hard time going to them now and saying I changed my mind and want to do FLOP.
Now I'm not sure what I'm going to do.

Be very careful when things are "under the impression", it can cause a lot of misunderstandings and bad feelings challia. Clear communication is a must.

Chayalle

Mon, Apr 12 2021, 9:35 am

amother [ Sapphire ] wrote:

We have never done it but I believe that “package” weddings in Lakewood are 2/3 kallah side pays and 1/3 chosson side pays...

Yes that's usually the case. My friend who went 50/50 told me the wedding hall was surprised that they were not doing the usual.

amother

Olive

Mon, Apr 12 2021, 9:58 am

I think 50-50 for cost of wedding and furniture makes most sense . These items are what both sides will be benefitting from equally. Some arrangements in which kallah pays 2/3 or whatever is not fair. Why the assumption that girls pay more than the boys ? The girl is already spending more on vort, Shabbos sheva brochos ( vs aufruf) and all her gown, clothing, etc

amother

Royalblue

Mon, Apr 12 2021, 10:48 am

I have two children a year or so away from the parsha...I don't know why but this thread is giving me major anxiety. I am literally shaking....it will be a challenge to pay for all the expenses of marrying off children, but the dynamic of working with expectations of the in laws, and the possibility for hard feelings, is just making me a little nauseous and scared to be entering this stage... maybe because I watched our parents struggles, so many communication issues, everyone coming from such different places...

amother

Babypink

Mon, Apr 12 2021, 10:49 am

Many ppl don’t do flop anymore. There are no flowers (use hall) and no liquor.
If you get a package wedding the hall splits the cost according to chassan and kallah and it is close to half. Many girls families choose package Halls for this reason bec the hall gives the boys side a bill.
Most times if you would do full flowers (badeken, chuppah, centerpieces it would’ve as much as most packages - my parents had machuten that handed them a 5k bill for the flowers).

Example of bais faiga in lkwd bill - it’s not really 50-50 but is more then FLOP
Hall Rental $2500 (Of Which $1,700 Is paid By The Kallah Side and $800 To Be Paid By The Chosson Side)
Music and Photography $2500
$5,000 Plus Tax Catering Charge
(Kallah’s Side Pays $6,700 and The Chosson’s Side Pays $3,300)

amother

Natural

Mon, Apr 12 2021, 10:58 am

Thank you for posting this. My son is about to get engaged and we know that her side does not have a lot of money although we don't know all the details. We are also not super wealthy but it a drop better position. My son already brought up the engagement and who's going to pay for it. I said well I think this is the time to sit down with them and have what will probably be an awkward discussion but it needs to happen. We are in Israel and they are from a totally different background and country than us so I'm really not sure what to expect. I do know they are a nice family so hopefully we can work things out but I guess it's good that I know to be really clear up front about things. I wish we could just afford to say we will do everything and pay for everything but we are not in the position to do that. I really don't know how people spend so much on weddings and helping a new couple! We are working on figuring it all out right now.

Chayalle

Mon, Apr 12 2021, 11:05 am

amother [ Babypink ] wrote:

IOW, the Chassan's side pays half of what the Kallah's side pays.

which is 1/3 for the Chassan and 2/3 for the Kallah.

amother

Blonde

Mon, Apr 12 2021, 11:08 am

Chayalle wrote:

IOW, the Chassan's side pays half of what the Kallah's side pays.

which is 1/3 for the Chassan and 2/3 for the Kallah.

What's the logic behind this?

Bnei Berak 10

Mon, Apr 12 2021, 11:16 am

amother [ Babypink ] wrote:

Things have also changed over here. Many don't do aufruf anymore. Instead, parents pay 50/50 for shabbos 7 brachot.
Litvish circles

Bnei Berak 10

Mon, Apr 12 2021, 11:26 am

amother [ Blonde ] wrote:

What's the logic behind this?

I also would like to know. I indeed hope its NOT one of these "muskamot" that some people blurt out based on the only fact they are marrying off a zachar.
Awaiting the tomatoes come flying

number

Mon, Apr 12 2021, 11:31 am

Bnei Berak 10 wrote:

Things have also changed over here. Many don't do aufruf anymore. Instead, parents pay 50/50 for shabbos 7 brachot.
Litvish circles

Aren’t you in Israel?