When a wedding is split 50/50

amother

Mauve

Tue, Apr 13 2021, 3:41 am

Bnei Berak 10 wrote:

All the gifts you mention, are they considered standard in chassidish circles?
What is a tallis holder? A special clip?

Yes all standard, also a shas, hagada, megilla, shtreimels are standard.
A tallis holder is a nice bag to fold the tallis and the tefillin has another bag. There are different designs and textures. Has the name embroidered.

amother

Mauve

Tue, Apr 13 2021, 3:50 am

Bnei Berak 10 wrote:

By the way, what is considered standard package and upgraded package of kallahs jewelry in chassidish and nonchassidish circles? Just curious.

Some individual communities have takanos so it may vary but standard is bracelet, diamond (and kedishin at wedding) ring, pin (many skip this today), pearl necklace, watch, earrings, tichel and shirtzel for shabbos, machzorim, siddur, tehilim etc, candle sticks (sometimes girls side buys the oil one and boys just regular it depends), suitcases, pocket book, colorful tichel, usually you get a vochen ring earring set on a random occasion, baby book of chosson, some people pay for the shaitels, often a silver vase and fake flower arrangement if you're engaged shavuos (sometimes just the flowers not a silver vase).

watergirl

Tue, Apr 13 2021, 3:56 am

amother [ Mauve ] wrote:

Everyone has a “tallis holder”. Everyone else calls it a “tallis bag”. Smile

amother

Mauve

Tue, Apr 13 2021, 3:57 am

amother [ Slateblue ] wrote:

It’s still way less than jewelry in most cases, obviously depends on what u get but overall

I'm not sure. Where are you getting way less? All that silver is expensive and a megilla is usually around $1,800-$3,000, Menorah at least $2,000, shas, becher, and esrog holder around that price. The shtreimels are around $7,500 for the pair. I think chassanim get more expensive gifts than the kallas overall.

amother

Amethyst

Tue, Apr 13 2021, 4:02 am

Bh made 3 weddings.
Bh by my first I told my machatunim I was clueless as to what 50/50 was and she was more than happy to share with me the list of how much she paid by her last 2 children’s wedding. We-Kala makes vort and shabbos sheva bruchos. We pay for all chussen gifts. We did not share housewares or linen but yes furniture. About $8000 per side. We agreed to pay for wigs and they for streimel. Wigs cost around $7500. It is so important to know what they expect and also for you to know what standard they are on. If we wanted nicer flowers or furniture it was up to us to pay for the difference.
We also made up before to help the couple with $1000 each for 3 years. That was 8 years ago. Currently the agreement we have for my daughter is $1500 each side for 1 year and my son is being fully supported by his wealthy in laws.
I hear that this is a major cause of discomfort and friction for many people. Please try to be clear and open. You cannot expect the other side to give 50 of what you think but only of what they want. Please don’t let this get in the way of it being a true simcha.

twizzlers1

Tue, Apr 13 2021, 4:26 am

Where did the expectation of all these gifts right when they get married come from? I certainly did not get them or give them when I got married. And not planning to do it for our kids either. I don't have most of the things listed and the only real jewelry I have is my ring. I'd like to know how everybody has so much money because it seems like everyone seems to know the secret.

shirachadasha

Tue, Apr 13 2021, 4:27 am

amother [ Blonde ] wrote:

Well, the logic for that is that the girl is paying for the honor and privilege of marrying the next gadol hador. What's the logic for the actual wedding that both equally take part in?

The kalla will be up at night when the next generation of gedolay hador need a feeding. Is that part of any cheshbon?

watergirl

Tue, Apr 13 2021, 4:57 am

twizzlers1 wrote:

Required (demanded) gifts are a thing in many sectors of Jewish life, not just chassidish. Having said that, those who participate in this will tell you that it stems from the times of Avraham Avinu sending Eliezer to the well with baskets full of gifts for the girl he finds for Yitzchak. What they forget is that Avraham Avinu was the wealthiest man in the world at that time and these gifts were well within his means. I can not imagine he knew he would be setting a standard when he did that, and if he did, he would have kept in mind his future generations of einiklach who do not have the financial means he was blessed with. People are giving and expecting like they have Avraham Avinu's wealth...

amother

Peach

Tue, Apr 13 2021, 5:46 am

I didn’t read the thread

My parents did 50/50 for my wedding
It was bizarre

My in laws wanted et in basic basic
My parents couldn’t upgrade- didn’t feel comfortable

And my mom in law changed things behind our backs till day of the wedding

Every thing needed to be answered to
My parents plan to never do that again

amother

Green

Tue, Apr 13 2021, 5:54 am

amother [ Peach ] wrote:

Most people who want upgrades pay for the difference when doing 50/50.
The difference between and Bar Mitzvah and a wedding is that there will always have to be some kind of negotiations with the other side.

amother

Blush

Tue, Apr 13 2021, 5:54 am

amother [ Green ] wrote:

Definitely clarify what 50/50 means.
I know of someone who literally charged their mechatunim for spare bekishe buttons and cleaning lady help to get the apt ready.

Where they the chosson’s side or kallah’s side? Usually the kallah’s side takes care of the apartment and the chosson’s of the bekishe’s...

amother

Chartreuse

Tue, Apr 13 2021, 6:07 am

I feel for you OP.
Its best to clarify as soon as possible. Ask for a conversation and say please can we clarify what 50/50 means. Is it just the wedding? And then ask for time to think about it ASAP the longer you leave it the harder it will be to ask. And asking to clarify and then changing your mind ,based on a misunderstanding , is OK.
I’m sorry you dont have support from your husband with this. It would be worth getting support to coach you through this stressful time.
Try to deal with your emotions separately and use pragmatic concise language to deal with technicalities.
Both of these are important. Without dealing with the emotions you wont be able to sound confident and clear and factual. Without the skills of what to say- it will
Also be hard.
Hatzlacha and mazal tov

keym

Tue, Apr 13 2021, 6:26 am

In my Litvishe circles, most of these gifts are not given to the chosson and even those that are are not as expensive as jewelry.
My husband, brothers, brothers in law got
Kittel- $50-$100
2 Talleisim- $250 for both
Shabbos tallis bag, weekday tallis bag, tefillin bag- $300 for all
Shas- $300
Watch $300
Some have gotten either a menorah or kiddush cup but not all not always and sometimes it's a personal gift from the kalla.
No Megillah, no esrog holder, no atara, no Seder set (what is that), no streimel or hat (the chassan's parents usually buy him a new one for $250), no hagada, no machzorim.

Girls-we all got a diamond bracelet by engagement, diamond ring, wedding ring, pearls or necklace in yichud, leichter, machzorim, Siddur. No earrings, no watch, nothing else.

Chayalle

Tue, Apr 13 2021, 6:44 am

keym wrote:

Mostly we got same gifts, but DH's watch and shas were more in the 1K range than $300. My parents got him both a Kiddush cup and a Menorah. DH asked my father not to get him a watch BTW only Seforim, but my father insisted on getting him both.

As for my gifts - I got a plain gold bracelet at engagement, diamond ring for vort, wedding band (cost around $20 back in the day, I was with my MIL A"H when she bought it), pearls in yichud room, and candlesticks.

In general, gifts in Litvish circles (with the exception of those who are wealthy) are less elaborate.

keym

Tue, Apr 13 2021, 6:49 am

Chayalle wrote:

It's not just less elaborate.
It's what's "needed".
A chosson NEEDS a kittel, Talleisim, bags to keep the Tallis. So those get bought.
But he doesn't NEED an atara so not.
My experience is that the kiddush cup/menorah is given based off if the chosson has one.
One brother already owned 3 kiddush cups from his bar mitzvah so his in-laws didn't buy him one.

Chayalle

Tue, Apr 13 2021, 6:54 am

keym wrote:

Yes, true.
My DH hardly even wears the gold watch. Maybe sometimes on Y"T. And my youngest BIL also tried to tell my father no gold watch - the young yeshivish set does not wear them - but that's what happens when you marry the baby of the family - my father can't imagine a Chosson not having a watch, and bought him one that he will probably not wear till he's in his 40's at least.

Chayalle

Tue, Apr 13 2021, 6:56 am

At to Seder sets, in my girls' school (Bais Faiga) starting in the upper grades, they have a Pesach embroidery project. Oldest DD embroidered a towel for Urchatz/Rachtza. Next DD did a Matza cover. Youngest is doing a pillowcase (maybe it'll be done by next year). So by next year, DH will have a Seder set!