When a wedding is split 50/50

keym

Tue, Apr 13 2021, 9:59 am

Chayalle wrote:

At to Seder sets, in my girls' school (Bais Faiga) starting in the upper grades, they have a Pesach embroidery project. Oldest DD embroidered a towel for Urchatz/Rachtza. Next DD did a Matza cover. Youngest is doing a pillowcase (maybe it'll be done by next year). So by next year, DH will have a Seder set!

Is that what a Seder set is? We bought a pretty Afikomen bag for $15 the first Pesach we were married. Over the years, we added. The first year we made Pesach, we bought a matza cover and keara.
I guess I'm wondering what a chosson needs a whole Seder set- towels etc if the standard is that he won't make his own Seder for a good 5-10 years.

Chayalle

Tue, Apr 13 2021, 10:06 am

keym wrote:

Agree.

When I started making Pesach, as we hosted my parents, my father lead the Seder with his Kearah. At some point as the girls got bigger, DH decided he wanted to lead, and he chose a beautiful stainless Kearah - it looks silver though it cost $80 - no polishing necessary! At this point, he and my father both use their Kearahs. He definitely didn't need it before he got it....and it was not a big deal.

Bnei Berak 10

Tue, Apr 13 2021, 10:10 am

amother [ Mauve ] wrote:

Some individual communities have takanos so it may vary but standard is bracelet, diamond (and kedishin at wedding) ring, pin (many skip this today), pearl necklace, watch, earrings, tichel and shirtzel for shabbos, machzorim, siddur, tehilim etc, candle sticks (sometimes girls side buys the oil one and boys just regular it depends), suitcases, pocket book, colorful tichel, usually you get a vochen ring earring set on a random occasion, baby book of chosson, some people pay for the shaitels, often a silver vase and fake flower arrangement if you're engaged shavuos (sometimes just the flowers not a silver vase).

Baby book of chosson? This is new to me. Please elaborate.

sky

Tue, Apr 13 2021, 10:11 am

keym wrote:

In my Litvishe circles, most of these gifts are not given to the chosson and even those that are are not as expensive as jewelry.
My husband, brothers, brothers in law got
Kittel- $50-$100
2 Talleisim- $250 for both
Shabbos tallis bag, weekday tallis bag, tefillin bag- $300 for all
Shas- $300
Watch $300
Some have gotten either a menorah or kiddush cup but not all not always and sometimes it's a personal gift from the kalla.
No Megillah, no esrog holder, no atara, no Seder set (what is that), no streimel or hat (the chassan's parents usually buy him a new one for $250), no hagada, no machzorim.

Girls-we all got a diamond bracelet by engagement, diamond ring, wedding ring, pearls or necklace in yichud, leichter, machzorim, Siddur. No earrings, no watch, nothing else.

We also did similar.
Some things have gone up. Like Tallis and refilling bags. - leather has become more standard and costs double
Cost of silver has gone up many times over.
My MIL offered money toward a Sheitel which o thought was very generous but I hear it’s becoming more common.

By chassiddim I think every person has their own matzah cover. (Seder set is matzah cover, pillow case, afikomen bag and towel)

My DH needed one first year we were married for Seder bec he uses diff matzos then my father. But I bought it for him as a present.
I think it’s nice to leave things for a kallah to buy her new husband after they are married. If you get everything before marriage there is nothing to buy after.

Bnei Berak 10

Tue, Apr 13 2021, 10:20 am

amother [ Mauve ] wrote:

Suitcases? Are you serious?
Someone said megillah. Is that the megillah itself or the megillah cover too? Please tell me it doesn't have to be a sterling silver cover, pretty pleeeeease.
Can't Believe It

amother

Maroon

Tue, Apr 13 2021, 10:25 am

Op, I didn’t read everything but in most litvish circles we don’t do 50-50. It’s more of a Chassidish thing. I’m sure some people will pipe up here that they did, but it’s the excepynot the norm.
It will cost you way more. Now not only will you split the wedding cost, but the kallah gifts are more expensive.
You can choose to do very very simple flop if you’d like and it shouldn’t be too expensive

essie14

Tue, Apr 13 2021, 10:31 am

This is what's done in my circles. Anglo DL in Israel
Usually parents of the chattan help him pay for a diamond ring. No other jewelry is "standard"
Wedding is split 50-50, the parents decide together on what kind of wedding they would like to make. No one books a vendor and just hands a bill to the other side. That is crazy to me.
The chattan uses his own money to buy any gifts he would like to give his kallah. Maybe the parents will buy candlesticks.
The kallah uses her own money to buy her chattan a tallit and kittel, maybe her parents buy him a kiddush cup.
The couple is usually on their own with furniture and appliances. The parents assist if they choose to.

amother

Mauve

Tue, Apr 13 2021, 10:32 am

Bnei Berak 10 wrote:

No a sterling megilla holder is not standard, but a megilla is.

amother

Mauve

Tue, Apr 13 2021, 10:33 am

keym wrote:

https://malchutjudaica.com/Pes......aspx
seder set
each man has this had the seder even if he is a guest.

keym

Tue, Apr 13 2021, 10:44 am

amother [ Mauve ] wrote:

https://malchutjudaica.com/Pesach-Seder-Sets__c-p-0-0-261.aspx
seder set
each man has this had the seder even if he is a guest.

Ok. I'm flabbergasted.
I bought a pretty Afikomen bag for $15. The next year, I bought a pretty embroidered pillow case for $25. We wash at the sink so we never had a need for a special towel. This set doesn't even include a matzah cover. I bought a pretty velvet embroidered one for $40.

I guess that's where the culture difference is.
Even compared to the DL poster up thread, we give a lot of standard gifts.
But this feels excessive.
If every 20 year old boy has an atara, menorah, seder set, esrog box, 2 streimels, so what's left for the wife to give her husband for gifts, anniversaries, occasions over the years?
The same for girls.

Chayalle

Tue, Apr 13 2021, 10:52 am

amother [ Mauve ] wrote:

https://malchutjudaica.com/Pesach-Seder-Sets__c-p-0-0-261.aspx
seder set
each man has this had the seder even if he is a guest.

Wow.

Though I must admit, the black velvet ones are so practical for the Seder.

My SN brother has such a set, it was bought for him by his group home coordinator. He barely uses it. Not a "thing" by us.

Bnei Berak 10

Tue, Apr 13 2021, 11:10 am

keym wrote:

It also struck my mind. The only thing not mentioned (so far) is havdalah set and negelwasser set.
I'm not surprised some chassiduiot have takkanot. I love judaica and sterling silver items but I was NOT aware of the extent of this gift showering.
By the way, I hope the gifts come with an exchange voucher, it would be a pity to get something not to your taste and then not to be able to swap it.

Last edited by Bnei Berak 10 on Tue, Apr 13 2021, 11:16 am; edited 1 time in total

Chayalle

Tue, Apr 13 2021, 11:14 am

Bnei Berak 10 wrote:

We got Havadallah candles and Besomim Holders (two) as wedding gifts from friends. And someone gave us a nice washcup.

If the parents buy everything, what do friends and relatives do?

ecs

Tue, Apr 13 2021, 11:17 am

Chayalle wrote:

So every young 19-year-old Chosson has a Megillah on Klaf. Wow.

Admission: DH still doesn't have one. I'd like to get him one. But somehow it never has happened. Maybe next year! (and his birthday is a week after Purim.)

It's actually not every chosson. I think it's about 50%. The megilla is considered a gift more balebatish people give.

amother

Chocolate

Tue, Apr 13 2021, 11:21 am

So what do people buy their dh's if they already have everything?!

My dh doesn't have an esrog box, silver menorah, Megillah or megillah holder, seder set, or leather bound anything! I got lots of options for gifts. Thanks for all the ideas lol.

amother

Mauve

Tue, Apr 13 2021, 11:21 am

amother [ Chocolate ] wrote:

When would you need to buy your husband something?

amother

Green

Tue, Apr 13 2021, 11:26 am

ecs wrote:

It's actually not every chosson. I think it's about 50%. The megilla is considered a gift more balebatish people give.

It depends where.
From my 3 brothers only one got a megillah, none got an esrog box, and the pesach Seder set is usually not a gift during the engagement.
Most wives get it as a gift during Shana Rishona.