What would you do if you were me?

PeanutMama

Thu, Apr 15 2021, 2:54 am

It’s me again.
We are gonna install geder filter on my phone tomorrow. My husband can’t come so I have to go by myself.

I am ANXIOUS right about now! I break under pressure and I can see myself shutting down from anxiety if one of the tech guys says “no you can’t have this app/site because abc”

Do I have to bring a letter from my Rav saying I can use social media to stay in contact with my family and use YouTube for recipes? I follow a lot of Mexican cooks and try some of their stuff but in a kosher way of course. Like beef or chicken instead of pork you know what I mean?

It would help tons if one of my friends could come with me in case I do shut down.

We picked the whitelist level and I’m not even sure what that is. I emailed the company asking them if installed apps in my phone are gonna be deleted etc and if I’ll have access to the App Store and a bunch of other stuff.

If anybody can give advice or ways to calm down and how to be firm (it’s something I really struggle with) that’d be great thanks!

amother

Slateblue

Thu, Apr 15 2021, 3:01 am

In general whitelist means that everything is blocked by default except for specific sites. I would not worry about which filtering level to choose, let them know that they can choose whichever one will work best for your needs.

I suggest you make a list of *ALL* of the sites (and apps) you want to be accessible and print it out to show them. (Check your history to make sure you have them all listed. You can add sites later but that would be more annoying.) On the top of the page write that they are REQUIRED, so the paper can be firm instead of you.

PeanutMama

Thu, Apr 15 2021, 3:05 am

What about entertainment apps like games and movie apps (I have it set to pg13)? Would those be deleted?

Forgot to add that after we registered and paid the one time fee I got an email saying I’m gonna have to bring my phone in because they have to use a computer to put in the filter

PeanutMama

Thu, Apr 15 2021, 3:07 am

amother [ Chartreuse ] wrote:

Can I ask why your installing the filter? As far as I remember, your son is not in yeshiva yet. If its causing you anxiety, why bother?

I got sick and tired of my husband nagging me about it so I decided to do it just to make him happy. I know it’s not the right attitude (at the moment I’m talking to my mashpia about it he pretty much said I can’t sacrifice so much of myself) but ☹️

I was okay with it at first but then when I got that email saying I had to bring it in that’s when this whole anxiety thing started. I thought it can be downloaded at home. What if they look through my phone

WhatFor

Thu, Apr 15 2021, 3:10 am

OP, are you doing this because you want to or are you feeling pressured into this? I'm a bit concerned about you potentially getting cut off from family and having limited communication. There's no halacha requiring that you do this, and you shouldn't be going somewhere where you feel they'll pressure you into doing something you don't want to do.

Not that it should make a difference, but does your DH have a filter if he's pressuring you to get one? (And even if he does, it doesn't mean you need to get one if you have different needs.)

WhatFor

Thu, Apr 15 2021, 3:13 am

Hashem_n_Farfel wrote:

Sorry, I cross posted. Can you take some time to think about this longer? I think you should listen to your mashpia. It's not healthy to sacrifice so much of yourself for your husband. At the very least, you're going to wind up resenting him and it won't be good for your Shalom Bayit. This really doesn't sound like it's a good idea for your situation.

amother

cornflower

Thu, Apr 15 2021, 3:16 am

Your level of anxiety, I think, is a signal for you to hit the pause button on this.
Sleep on this for as long as you need to, perhaps a few weeks or months, til you feel ok to proceed in a manner that takes your needs into account. Your mental well-being matters as much as all other factors that drive this potential action.

PeanutMama

Thu, Apr 15 2021, 3:20 am

My husband does not have a smartphone. He uses a regular flip phone

Idk how he does it, but yeah I guess it is a pressure to have a phone filtered if you want your kids in good schools. I know my son is not at that point yet since he’s only 20 months
I know some people can have a regular unfiltered phone and a kosher flip phone.

My husband says he doesn’t want our son getting into my phone

I do have restrictions on so nothing inappropriate pops up. But to my husband underwear and bra ads are inappropriate which is understandable I wouldn’t want my kid exposed to that either. But my version of inappropriate is p0ru stuff. The filter blocks out ads which is something I do want.

I’ll think of this further.

sequoia

Thu, Apr 15 2021, 4:42 am

This is really unhealthy.

I feel like you had more agency as an impulsive teen than you do now as a married adult, wife and mother.

And nagging is super unattractive, you might mention that to him.

Also, why would your son get into your phone if there’s a code, fingerprint, or face ID?

singleagain

Thu, Apr 15 2021, 6:31 am

sequoia wrote:

Also, why would your son get into your phone if there’s a code, fingerprint, or face ID?

I agree. A very good way to ensure your son won't get into your phone is by requiring two forms of ID (fingerprint and a code)

This isn't something that should be done bc of pressure.

nchr

Thu, Apr 15 2021, 6:37 am

I'd be more concerned about not having a filter since it's required than having one.

You can't create your own version of inappropriate when you're part of a society that decides that for you (unless you have a private heter).

Just the fact that you're nervous about it is very telling. It's not a big deal. Your shopping will be blacked out (if you have shopping). Your voice notes stop working every 2 weeks unless you call in or get a letter. Same goes for sites like imamother. This may not even be true if you get just a plain filter and not one associated with a mosed. It's not a big deal and if you already gave up so much why is this the thing you're hung up on? Maybe if you're that anxious go talk to your Rav?

singleagain

Thu, Apr 15 2021, 6:43 am

nchr wrote:

It's not a big deal to you. It is a very big deal to others. Please don't be dismissive of other people's feelings.

I remember once telling people in a support group that I went to see a movie all by myself and how proud I was and what a big step it was for me. And someone else said "what's the big deal I see movies by myself all the time?" That totally cut me down. And really decimated all my good feelings.

For me this was a social activity and the fact that I went alone was a huge deal with my anxiety... To hear "what's the big deal" is very invalidating. Let's just try to remember that other people deserve to feel that they feel.

amother

Babypink

Thu, Apr 15 2021, 7:12 am

I think bringing a friend with you is a good idea. As is telling TAG that you don't want anything deleted, just disabled or blocked, so changes can be made as necessary. If you feel the need based on what's happening, tell them your plan is backed/recommended by your rav, Rav X, as a psak specifically for you.

amother

cornflower

Thu, Apr 15 2021, 7:13 am

Hashem_n_Farfel wrote:

I know my son is not at that point yet since he’s only 20 months

My husband says he doesn’t want our son getting into my phone

I

Huh? blaming it on the little pipsqueak who cannot unlock a phone for at least a few more years?

I'm so sorry op. Your son deserves a mother who's getting her needs met. If mommy is in a perpetual state of distress, it will impact son's development.