What would you do if you were me?

Mama Bear

Fri, Apr 16 2021, 12:32 am

Hashem_n_Farfel wrote:

I guess I was naive and thought it was okay what I do so far. But to a frum person I look quite confusing I guess. I dress frum but I have an iPhone. OH NO.
I do know others who look like me and have a smartphone too but most likely they’re not geirim like me. They don’t have my background 😕
The geirim and bt I do know are on social media and have YouTube.

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Hey H&F, Wmsbg and BP are full of ladies who wear hats on their shaitels and have iphones. or androids. Look at me. Covered shaitel, frum home, and I run a joke status on whatsapp. Yeah so maybe my siblings in law or neighbors don't get it and I dont talk to them about my phone, but no one thinks I'm a bad person.

You're being hard on yourself!

amother

Pink

Fri, Apr 16 2021, 12:41 am

I'm really glad you are in a better place in general now and have good people guiding you. Good idea to meet with a rav and hear both your sides. I'm very impressed with how much you've grown since I got to know you on this site. I hope you figure out the best plan for you.

I'm not chassidish but I'm considered very frum. I watch movies when I need to escape or unwind. Perhaps I should be more careful with what I watch, but I still feel I'm frum and it doesn't have to impact any other part of my frumkeit. This is where I am now and it's ok if I'm growing faster in other areas and slower in this one. Take each thing as you can and grow as you are able to. You don't have to be at the same level across the board.

PeanutMama

Fri, Apr 16 2021, 12:48 am

Mama Bear wrote:

Yeah I’ve seen those types on the bp-willi bus too.
We go to willi on occasion like if we’re invited for a Yom tov seuda or for a big simcha like bar mitzvah or weddings and the family we go to are really nice strict satmar family
They know and see I have an iphone all my frum years (when I came I had an android but a year in I brought a used iPhone off of eBay or one of those second hand shopping sites and used that till that phone broke so brought a newer iPhone replacement shortly after I married my husband) and they never said anything to me about it. I don’t use my phone at all there unless I need to order an Uber or my husband or see when the next bus to bp is coming. I did have Yiddish anti smartphone cards thrown at me by some chasidish children from this family (KAH. It’s a large beautiful family with people all types. Some have smartphones but most ladies do not) once for CALLING A BOSS ABOUT A JOB INTERVIEW. I get that they don’t know any better and yeah there’s a mistrust of smartphones there so I hardly use it in stricter places because I don’t want people to be uncomfortable. In places like bp where people are more relaxed I feel “safe” enough to talk to my husband on the phone while walking down 13th for example.
I guess it depends on people.

Anyway, I have yet to meet another bt or geyoires who’s chasidish and has a smartphone like I do. Most bt and geirim I know are litvish/yeshivish/strict modern orthodox. I know ffb people with smartphones exist but I guess I’m looking for people who had a similar background like I did.

amother

Chocolate

Fri, Apr 16 2021, 1:02 am

Hashem_n_Farfel wrote:

I think you need to stop focusing on the part of the bt or geyoires from your background. You're chassidish like any other person now. You're painting yourself into this tight little box, and you're not leaving yourself room to breathe. It's going to choke you one day if you don't step out of it.

You should be making decisions based on what works for you and your family, and the chassidishe hashkafah you chose. The BT and geyoires shouldn't factor into your decisions. You're one of us chassidishe women now by all definitions of the word. Embrace it and join us fully.

PeanutMama

Fri, Apr 16 2021, 1:07 am

amother [ Pink ] wrote:

For sure. You’re right. I am growing faster in some places but yeah this is something that’s taking some time. I want to think about this further before I jump on it. This whole thing was done on impulse :/ and it’s not good to do stuff on impulse. I believe if I want to grow I must be 1000% comfortable and okay with doing for the rest of my life. A year ago I struggled with covering my hair. I’m part of a learning group on WhatsApp but it’s been very quiet there lately and through that group with its many members, I learnt more about the how and why than about the what. Like a group member discuss how it’s difficult to do abc and another can chime in saying “I learnt it this way” or “maybe try this/do this” and others would cite sources on the how and why of that halacha/minhag/chumra.
If I get confused I go to my mashpia and he tells me community norms and what I can do NOW at my own pace.
Because I learnt so much from that group I started appreciating and WANTING to do hair covering properly (but it’s different in every community).
Now I cover fully. It slips back though but I fix it instead of leaving like an inch of my hair exposed at home like I used to do a year ago. In public or at other places I’m always very very careful.
I’m sad it’s very quiet in that group now but I’m scared to start it up again lol. What if people here on ima are on that group 😳

So now I’m working on changing my mindset from an xtian view to a Jewish view. To me that’s VERY important at the moment. Why would I want to look at Judaism like a religious xtian would look at xtianity.

For a long time based on what I been through and learnt throughout the years I thought Judaism was a religion of “it’s all or nothing” and many tell me that’s an xtian idea. I’m still trying to fix that kind of mindset and that’s something I’m working on now.
Recently learnt from my mashpia that hashem forgives and he is always merciful, and he accepts your teshuva. I always have to remind myself of this instead of thinking I’ll be losing my place in olam habah if I do abc even with teshuva.

PeanutMama

Fri, Apr 16 2021, 1:22 am

amother [ Chocolate ] wrote:

I don’t know. I’m proud that I’m a geyoires and I don’t hide it. I do go by my Hebrew name daily but it does get awkward when I’m at a doctors office and they call me up with my secular name lol. My name is very English but my last name is this typical Spanish last name 😅
I’ll basically be reminded I was this secular non jew forever, because I do want my non Jewish family in my life and I do want my children to know where we come from (my husband agrees but being Jewish comes first) and every time I look at them or talk to them about not having a tv in our home or WiFi in our home or movies in our home or explaining why we smell spices during havdolah and do that hand thingy by borei meorei ha-eish bracha my family will be fascinated or would want to learn more about why we do what we do and it will be like “WAIT. I grew up non Jewish?!!!!”

I know Avrohom Avinu and Sara Imeinu are my “parents” now but my mother is my mother in the physical world and it’s important for me to be respectful and not cut her off from my life. We been through a lot way back when I was starting to get into Judaism..and she made a full turn around so if I say mom sorry I can’t bring *son name* here because the women dress immodesty and he’s not used to that etc she will be offended but most of all she would be extremely hurt. I’m her oldest and the first 4 months of my life were hard on her and she basically went through so much with me. I’m lucky to have my mother by my side. Not many people are so lucky, their parents disown them or don’t support them at all if they change their life to something someone is not used to or never saw before.

I’m focusing on spirituality right now at the moment and I guess I’ll learn more about the hashkofa part (honestly quite confused with that word) when this clears up and I have clarity and can handle to learn more. A little bit day by day or week by week. I don’t want to push myself to learn or do more than what I can handle
I am exhausted so I guess I’m misunderstanding so feel free to clarify or whatever and later I’ll catch up

amother

Chocolate

Fri, Apr 16 2021, 1:32 am

Hashem_n_Farfel wrote:

I didn't mean to cut that part of your life. You should most definitely be proud of you who you are and everything you have accomplished. I really admire your strength, deep insight and character. You're an amazing person!

What I meant was to not use the BT and geyoires as a factor in decisions. There are no separate rules for BTs/geyoires. For example, there are chassidim with smartphone and chassidim without. Decide which one you want to be. You don't need to create a separate class for yourself as BT chassidishe women. All that does is add a whole lot of unnecessary calculations and difficulties into a decision. Don't create a separate subgroup for yourself. Like I said before, you're fully one of us.

Rappel

Fri, Apr 16 2021, 2:00 am

Hashem_n_Farfel wrote:

You go girl!!!!!

You sound very aware of what's important to you. It made me happy to read this. Smile

Btw -- I know you guys identify as Boro park chassidim. But just so you know, not every Jew in the world filters their phone. I live in a Torani community, and while many use simple phones for the convenience of no distractions, I don't know anyone whom has a filtered smartphone.

So for Judaism, this is not a mandatory. For yourself, or the community you want to identify with, things may be different, but that's for you to decide.

amother

Amber

Fri, Apr 16 2021, 3:58 am

amother [ Chocolate ] wrote:

I actually disagree with this but in the opposite direction. I think it very much matters that OP is a giyores in this case. It means she has needs that other chassidim in that community may not have. She said she needs to keep in touch with family on social media. Now I might not have that need, but she does. I think her background is making her need something specific and that's okay. Like someone could have a heter for internet because of parnassa- something that person specifically needs.

I am a BT and I have a computer with internet, but it has a very high level white list filter that does block most social media. I had to go back-and-forth with them for this site because I felt like I needed this in my life. But Facebook and whatever else are all blocked. So I do not have contact with almost all high school and college friends. But that was okay with me by the time I got the filter. Recipe sites are not blocked, youtube is. I can ask for approval for a specific youtube video if I need to see something, but I only get 10 approvals per month without paying extra. Amazon is totally blocked, which is annoying for me a lot but not enough to change anything. But that's because of what I need, not because of what you need!

I think you need to look at what you really need to use your phone for and figure out how to do that in an "approved" enough way. Maybe I'm missing something because I'm in a chareid city in Israel- why is a smartphone better than filtered internet in your house? Maybe there's some kind of compromise with that that will work for you better at some point? Maybe you can google recipes instead of youtube? Maybe one app for family stuff is better than another (or all)? Figure out what you need and how you can get it. If you want to wait until you officially need it for your son, that could work. If you want to try to make some changes already, that could work, too. But I agree with others that you shouldn't feel forced to do all this and it shouldn't be making you so nervous!

Chickensoupprof

Fri, Apr 16 2021, 5:12 am

amother [ Amber ] wrote:

This, a BT or a ger will always have other needs or other questions regarding their life what FFB won't have.
Also from being BT/ger litvish, MO or Chabad is different than becoming Belz or Satmar. The Chassidic ladies I know outside Chabad are really open en modern due to their jobs, or business which made them interact with jews around the spectrum but also sometimes non-Jews. And they are not that sheltered as let's say -and forgive me being blunt in this- a shpitzelmacher who only interacts with the people in her chassidus. Also there is a whole cultural difference in chumras, clothing, hashkafa then the mainstream chabad/litvish/MO jew.

Becoming Jewish or frum is already a hard job I think becoming a part of a Chassidus is way harder. It's like learning Japenese but also learning every Japanese manners, traditions and behaviour and look out on thinks to become fully Japan. It's a hard job, cutting yourself some slack.

FranticFrummie

Fri, Apr 16 2021, 5:36 am

Disclaimer: I skipped to the end after page 2.

OP, do you keep your drain cleaner and bleach where your child can get into it? Of course you don't, because you are not an idiot. If your phone has a code or fingerprint lock, that is all the protection you need. If your kid is finding a way to duplicate your fingerprints, he's been watching too many spy movies!

Your DH needs to treat you like an adult, not like a child who doesn't know right from wrong. Every time you start to doubt yourself, you lose a level of self esteem and confidence. I don't know if that's DH's intention or not, but either way, it's not OK. A spouse needs to be treated like an equal adult, and not controlled like this.

If you want a filter, that's great. If you want to install AdBlock and PopupBlock (they are free) then that is a good alternative. You can even get AdBlock for YouTube. None of these apps interfere with anything, they actually make navigation smoother. There are a few news sites that will tell you to disable your ad blocks before you can read the articles, but if that's the case just go to a site that doesn't ask this. I don't unblock anyone, I'd rather look elsewhere.

Are you and DH in marriage counseling? I think that might be a really good idea.

watergirl

Fri, Apr 16 2021, 10:13 am

Hashem_n_Farfel wrote:

I do go by my Hebrew name daily but it does get awkward when I’m at a doctors office and they call me up with my secular name lol. My name is very English but my last name is this typical Spanish last name 😅

This part is easy. You said you have a legal marriage? Why not change your last name? It is super easy and takes no time. Most married women legally change their last names to take their husband's last name.

Your parents will always be your parents and your history will always be your history. I agree with you - be proud of it! As time goes by, you will see how you can incorporate both to make one seamless you. It will happen over time without you even realizing it.

cbsp

Fri, Apr 16 2021, 10:45 am

Hashem_n_Farfel wrote:

Please don't think that's unusual - there are many many MANY ffb people with non Jewish legal names. Before my oldest was born I made the decision to give my kids the same legal and Jewish names - which was not a common idea when I was born (early 70's). (Hashem had other plans and my second kid needed to be given a legal name several weeks before his bris - and our Rov said that it couldn't be the same as his intended Jewish name.)

Do business with an infinite number of frum financial or real estate companies - their reps are "Joel" and "Michelle" and Izzy - whereas in real life they are "Yoeli" and "Michal" and "Sruly"...

amother

Orchid

Fri, Apr 16 2021, 11:17 am

The built in parental controls on an iphone work much better than geder or tag. Said as an experienced mom & wife. Those white list filters led to much frustration for many adults. In a way its better to get a kosher phone and keep another as a wifi device for entertainment. Password it so children have no access. Once to the age of chinuch maybe only use it when you are not with your children. If you want to grow maybe eventually get a kosher smart phone, but it is expensive and bare bones on entertainment. You grow at your pace even if you are trying to give your child a head start from where you are.

Don't worry about your last name, I know 3rd gen frum with last names that show other heritages. You are part of the community. At first meet it piques curiosity, not judgment. Unique histories boost your cool factor. You are accepted as one of us.