What would you do if you were me?

PeanutMama

Thu, Apr 15 2021, 3:35 pm

hodeez wrote:

Yah some people would call that Yoshke lol

🤣🙃

amother

Peach

Thu, Apr 15 2021, 3:41 pm

Hashem_n_Farfel wrote:

Great I’ll check it out.
I’ll read your post again to see what it is since I don’t remember 🙈🙈

To bp imas:
Would regular schools accept gentech? I’d only want it to be a one time thing. If an issue does come up I guess I have to bring a letter from my Rav saying I can use so and so site idk. I know it’s better to sacrifice for Judaism but I’m not at the level yet and I wanna take my time to take things on slowly when I’m comfortable with. Is it one of those “do it or else” kind of thing? I think we might send to neutral schools..

The Boro Park schools that would accept your family, accept this filter.
Satmar, Pupa, Viznitz, Skver, Klausenburg, Belz and Bobov probably wouldn't accept your anyways. They mostly only accept people who belong to their Chassidus.
Biyan, Mevakshei Hashem, and Stolin would accept Gentech and that's probably where you would fit in best anyways.

little neshamala

Thu, Apr 15 2021, 3:59 pm

H&F...I just want to say...im sorry.
This is a lot. This is really a lot.
So, hugs.
And also, I really dont like the tone from some posters about how grateful you should be for the opportunity to filter things out and restrict your phone use. As though your youtube use and facebooking are automatically your yetzer hara.
And as though using your phone frequently means youre an addict.

No, not everyone who uses their phone a lot is addicted. I use mine a lot, and im not addicted at all. Its just incredibly useful, for practicality and my social life, among other things. So I use it throughiut the day. As I use many other things throughout the day. Without being addicted to any of them.

I also dont think you should be apologizing for what you use your phone for. Forget your history, forget your past. I am a FFB, yeshivish woman, living in a yeshivish community.

If this makes you feel better:

I use my phone for youtube A LOT (mainly learning instructionals for a specific craft I hope to become good enough at making to start selling)-but I dont need to "justify" my reason for youtube to anyone. Im using it for a kosher reason, for a reason that is good for my emotional/physical well being. Whether that reason is learning from a tutorial, givng my children free music lessons (yes, youtube is amazing), showing my daughter how to divide fractions way better than her teacher did.....or learning mexican recipes, like you enjoy. If youre using it for a good reason then gezunteheit! Stop justifying, leave the guilt. Its not warranted.

I also started using facebook, even though I never in a million years thought I would. My child has a medical condition that can be somewhat overhwelming. I was referred to a facebook group of thousands and thousands of other parents who are dealing with the same exact thing. And while I was resistant at first (because "facebook is bad."), it seemed like something that could help me. And it is! The support, encouragement, as well as tons of practical advice and suggestions that I have received from this FB group is invaluable. Again, I dont need to justify my FB use to anyone. A yeshivish woman on facebook?? Yes. Im using it for a kosher reason, for something that benefits my emotional/physical well-being. If its kosher and good for you, then thats it!
If youre not using it in a kosher way that is good for you, then of course stop. But from your posts, it doesnt sound that way.

I do not at all appreciate the dismissive tones about "youtube,facebook,social media" being unimportant and something to strive to get rid of. Nobody knows what is important to somebody else, and why. Nobody knows if they are actually having a positive impact on your life! And thats why nobody should be making these comments.

Ths one thing to remember is-you want to uplift yourself spiritually. To do that, you must always be in an emotionally secure, and happy place. Be happy, be yourself, and do what is kosher and right in Hashem's eyes.
If youre not certain what is right, simply consult with an understanding Rav who really gets you.

I think...you may need to find yourself a bit. Before you make any decisions.

PeanutMama

Thu, Apr 15 2021, 4:09 pm

amother [ Peach ] wrote:

Yes those schools listed right at the bottom are possibilities of where to send my son since we don’t belong to a big chasidus.
At first thought were thinking of enrolling my son into mevakshei hashem.
I hear mevakshei hashem is difficult to get in for everyone. How do people get accepted into schools?

They accept parents who are converts? I’m petrified. What if kids won’t be friends with my son if my non Jewish mother comes to visit. She can dress modestly but I’d rather she be comfy in what she is and if people have a problem okay! But I don’t want my kid to be lonely or bullied. I probably posted about this a million times and I have to look back on previous posts.

sequoia

Thu, Apr 15 2021, 4:17 pm

Hashem_n_Farfel wrote:

They accept parents who are converts? I’m petrified. What if kids won’t be friends with my son if my non Jewish mother comes to visit. She can dress modestly but I’d rather she be comfy in what she is and if people have a problem okay! But I don’t want my kid to be lonely or bullied. I probably posted about this a million times and I have to look back on previous posts.

Did you and dh discuss this stuff while dating?

amother

Pumpkin

Thu, Apr 15 2021, 4:36 pm

Hashem_n_Farfel wrote:

For Mevakshei Hashem, affiliated with Emunas Yisrael, you might want to speak to the Mashgiach, Rav Moshe Wolfson. Stolin is a very accepting place. Not sure if Boyan is the right place for you...not the right type.

PeanutMama

Thu, Apr 15 2021, 4:43 pm

little neshamala wrote:

If at all I’m addicted to this very site. Facebook not so much as this site (at the most I’m on it maybe 10 min a day in total!). YouTube too. I love watching this Mexican lady who shares recipes cuz she reminds me of my grandma. I do watch funny reaction videos too but I’m not glued on it the whole day. But it could mean people have a different definition of what addiction really is and to me addiction is this:

Take a dad who loves playing video games and he has a screaming baby in a soggy dirty diaper in a messy home. He CONTINUES playing the video games instead of tending to his kid and tending to his home.
I’ve seen this in some mommy groups I used to be a part of. Addiction basically is having no control when to stop. BH I know when enough is enough so I get off my phone. My son is napping and there’s a load running in the drying machine and I’m WAITING for him to wake up so we can get potatoes and onions for shabbos. We have everything else ready BH.

Quote:

I also dont think you should be apologizing for what you use your phone for. Forget your history, forget your past. I am a FFB, yeshivish woman, living in a yeshivish community.

If this makes you feel better:

I use my phone for youtube A LOT (mainly learning instructionals for a specific craft I hope to become good enough at making to start selling)-but I dont need to "justify" my reason for youtube to anyone. Im using it for a kosher reason, for a reason that is good for my emotional/physical well being. Whether that reason is learning from a tutorial, givng my children free music lessons (yes, youtube is amazing), showing my daughter how to divide fractions way better than her teacher did.....or learning mexican recipes, like you enjoy. If youre using it for a good reason then gezunteheit! Stop justifying, leave the guilt. Its not warranted.

I also started using facebook, even though I never in a million years thought I would. My child has a medical condition that can be somewhat overhwelming. I was referred to a facebook group of thousands and thousands of other parents who are dealing with the same exact thing. And while I was resistant at first (because "facebook is bad."), it seemed like something that could help me. And it is! The support, encouragement, as well as tons of practical advice and suggestions that I have received from this FB group is invaluable. Again, I dont need to justify my FB use to anyone. A yeshivish woman on facebook?? Yes. Im using it for a kosher reason, for something that benefits my emotional/physical well-being. If its kosher and good for you, then thats it!
If youre not using it in a kosher way that is good for you, then of course stop. But from your posts, it doesnt sound that way.

You are right. Idk. I just have a strong feeling the people in my community won’t truly understand why I need what I need. For example the geder guys. They said I should go for gentech but that’s PRICEY and even then I think I would have to explain to them why I need what I need and be firm about it. I do bend under pressure though and tend to shut down from anxiety when I’m pressured so it’s one of the things I have to work on.

Quote:

I do not at all appreciate the dismissive tones about "youtube,facebook,social media" being unimportant and something to strive to get rid of. Nobody knows what is important to somebody else, and why. Nobody knows if they are actually having a positive impact on your life! And thats why nobody should be making these comments.

True, I actually see litvish families and chasidim on Facebook and Instagram. And not just business stuff. Personal stuff! Like family trips etc. I guess they’re the more “cool” ones. But we look too frum to be “cool”. I get asked on Facebook why are you on the internet on occasion. I say I use it to maintain contact with family. I used to get anonymous messages (fake Facebook name) from chasidim asking why I have non jews in my friends list (now I have my profile set up privately so no one can see who my friends are). They get confused when I say it’s my old family and friends lol
I asked my husband about these chasidim and litvish people on social media I’ll just say I did not like his answer.
He’s more chasidish remember.

But I’ve seen it here too with other posters who have a more “right-wing” lifestyle about their internet usage.

Quote:

Ths one thing to remember is-you want to uplift yourself spiritually. To do that, you must always be in an emotionally secure, and happy place. Be happy, be yourself, and do what is kosher and right in Hashem's eyes.
If youre not certain what is right, simply consult with an understanding Rav who really gets you.

I think...you may need to find yourself a bit. Before you make any decisions.

It’s a shalom bayis thing with me and my husband. He’s more on the strict firm side and I’m more like relaxed but I’m strict with certain stuff too but it’s mostly appearance stuff and halacha stuff. Some things I’m not aware of and learning new halachos daily and write them down in a little journal.

I guess a man thinks differently than a woman, they think their wives have the head of a man but NOPE.

I’ve been told it’s NORMAL to not be on the same page 100% with a spouse but I have yet to hear that from a chasidish person. I’ve been told “you follow what your husbands minhagim are/you just do what’s good for your husband/your husband decides the Judaism of the home” by some chasidish ladies I slowly and painfully opened up to about my questions and concerns.
Internet to them is a tragic thing, but it’s okay if you need it for business.
But for a person like me....
My Rav and my mashpia understand that I’m still new, and it’s a lot to take on for me at this pace, and I guess they’re my only hope of being understood ever since they know more about today’s age. We’ve been told slow down! But how can I encourage my husband to let me go at my own pace? He’s not thinking I’m dropping halacha but more like what he wants his family to look like. I admire him and I hope to be at his level ONE DAY. But he does need a Rav to guide him in women brains and true chasidish lifestyle and culture. At least that’s what I think.

amother

cornflower

Thu, Apr 15 2021, 4:44 pm

Hashem_n_Farfel wrote:

I plan to go talk to the Rav with my husband so the Rav can hear both sides.

lucky you. mine wouldn't go together.

watergirl

Thu, Apr 15 2021, 4:59 pm

Hashem_n_Farfel wrote:

After you mentioned Geder, I looked at the pricing. GenTech is $40 for three months. Geder is $15.99/month; thats $45 for three months and they have a $25 activation fee. GenTech is cheaper than Geder. And again, there is no pressure from thosw guys. They just do their job.

little neshamala

Thu, Apr 15 2021, 5:01 pm

Hashem_n_Farfel wrote:

.

I’ve been told it’s NORMAL to not be on the same page 100% with a spouse but I have yet to hear that from a chasidish person. I’ve been told “you follow what your husbands minhagim are/you just do what’s good for your husband/your husband decides the Judaism of the home” by some chasidish ladies I slowly and painfully opened up to about my questions and concerns.
Internet to them is a tragic thing, but it’s okay if you need it for business.
But for a person like me....

Hmmm. I dont know...in my world, its neither. In a hashkafic lense, you should be 100% the same page as your spouse, but not by one spouse blindly following the other. Together, as a team, you decide where you're at, what your hashkafa is on whatever topic you've got. If you're not agreeing on something, go to your Rav, and have him help you figure it out.
So you're both on the same page, and you got there together. Theres no appointed "decision maker" spouse .

PeanutMama

Thu, Apr 15 2021, 5:12 pm

sequoia wrote:

Did you and dh discuss this stuff while dating?

Back then I was young and naive. We said we’ll figure it out after we get married let’s take it day by day.
We liked each other both on a spiritual level and physical level too (my mashpia said there’s supposed to be some attraction lol) we didn’t get much into the schools cuz we didn’t know any better back then. My husband just said “don’t worry about the schools we’ll figure it out” and I was okay with it. Back then I was more “firm” in my hashkofa.

Now I realize we SHOULD HAVE spoken about this at length.

We actually talked about affiliating ourselves into satmar community and schools and I was like “okay” but that was WAY back when I was dating. I didn’t know then what chasidish lifestyle was or how different it was

But he didn’t say we are going to enroll our kids in satmar schools. He said “don’t worry about it we’ll figure it out iyh”

I do wish from the beginning of our marriage we should’ve moved right into Boro park not willi where it’s a million times more different than Flatbush. It’s a homey community but I didn’t like that there was only one type there and my husband anyway couldn’t find his place in shul. So we moved. BH we found a Rav and a shul! And I can be myself. So moving was a good thing for us to do. I’m more happier than I was in willi, in willi I was stressed if I was dressed frum enough, kept kosher enough (some people stay away from certain hechsers) shaved my head short enough.

When I realized it was the wrong community for ME AND MY HUSBAND it was already too late I was already resentful and bitter. Especially after I had my first miscarriage the first time I had a baby it was even worse. For a long time until I started reaching out to my mashpia I was in a bitter lonely place. I took on things way too fast. Not the way to go.
I went through a long way to get to where I am today and I’ve done things I’m not proud of, and I’m still working on spirituality stuff and hashkofa stuff with my mashpia mostly. He helped me quite a lot even before I actually made geirus and then after that dark time in my life. He’s a wonderful person and he won’t even take a genuine thanks.

I guess my husband went though some change too, like a wake up call when I was in that dark place. I would ask him why do abc do xyz if person A said this but person B said that. And I would not be happy with his answer and insist he ask SOMEONE.

say Chanukah candles for example. Lighting brings me a lot of simcha and usually only the men light. But when we heard that we both can light we were both taken aback, the husband can light on behalf of the wife but she can light if she wants. So I light menorah during chanukah even it’s if not done.
Or hair covering: I wanted my hair back. Hubby was of the opinion it must be shaved so everything is covered. We eventually learnt shaving is not a must and I can grow it out just it has to be fully covered. I’m okay with that.
So I keep my hair short but not shaven. It’s still growing out cuz I keep chopping it off cuz I keep getting frustrated with the hair bumps in my wig and headaches. Idk what I would do in the summer. Even tho I’m from Arizona and dealt with worse temperatures than humid 90 degree weather I swear SO much more than in Arizona. My hair is wet if I wear a wig on a hot day. Doesn’t help that it’s curly too so there’s bumps if I wear a bandana. 🙃😟

To this day we still have this “we’ll figure it out day by day” thing and I trust my husband fully. With other stuff too. Like moving.

PeanutMama

Thu, Apr 15 2021, 5:16 pm

amother [ Pumpkin ] wrote:

Thanks. We know some relatives of Rav Wolfson from the shul we go to now. Maybe they would be a big help....but not sure

amother

Wheat

Thu, Apr 15 2021, 5:17 pm

H&F, do you have real life people guiding you in life at all? We're happy to be here for you and share our thoughts on the dilemmas that you share with us but the reality is that getting the opinions of 200 women from across the spectrum of the jewish community won't be nearly as helpful as having friends and mentors that actually know you and can give more on point answers.

PeanutMama

Thu, Apr 15 2021, 5:18 pm

That makes sense.

PeanutMama

Thu, Apr 15 2021, 5:19 pm

Yes our Rav and mashpia
We just have to find the time to talk to them together at the same time. We do get distracted with life stuff and it keeps getting pushed off then we forget about it then we have to plan it out all over again 😞

Chickensoupprof

Thu, Apr 15 2021, 5:39 pm

I feel sorry for you and have been thinking about you. Your husband seems like an overly zealous devoted ger (I’m right he is a ger right?). This happens a lot with geirim and BTs. While reading this and other things about birth control and other things it seems that your husband expect that now married you guys will end up having the same lifestyle and everything like the family next door who were already chassidic in postwar Hungary. Totally different. They were born and raised and bred in the community your husband can’t expect from you, you are not bunch of clay which can be formed and put in the scenery of fiddler of the roof.

I really think your husband should be less dominant over you and really calculate your feelings in lots of things, a Rav shouldn’t be always the solution. He should be way more lenient it looks like indeed as some amothers said that your husband is your father shouldn’t be the way is really bad. You need to take stand and he should see you and be there for you. And not be nagging to you really! He should listen to you and not to a Rav after you had an argument. I hope there are amothers in BP who will reach out to you. They too have WhatsApp I have on my WhatsApp vizhnitzer,satmar and belzer women and ofcourse chabad 😂.

Furthermore I met a woman a Dutch woman who is a ger as well and she is from Suriname which means for her she is African like black she married to a satmar chassid and lived in Williamsburg now she is back in the Netherlands but I think she can be there for you. Would you like to be in contact with her?

PeanutMama

Thu, Apr 15 2021, 5:49 pm

Chickensoupprof wrote:

Sure. If she is okay with it.
I’d went her to be comfy first. I’d be wary tho. I don’t usually open up to people at the first meeting 🙈 I’m shy in nature

It’s a bad thing but after I get really frustrated trying to explain myself (I’m not good at identifying my smaller feelings like I wouldn’t know if I’m anxious or overwhelmed, or both) I tell my husband you a frum from birth guy not a ger like me I don’t think you know where I come from cuz you were born frum 🥴 it’s WRONG I know. It sounds worse when I type it out for some reason. But! It makes him stop and think, and if that’s what makes him think again then okay.

amother

Smokey

Thu, Apr 15 2021, 6:18 pm

I have a geder filter and have full access to this sight. I have access (though somewhat restricted) to fb. I have access to YouTube and the yungerman setting it up said “let me know if this works for you, we have more restricted and more open options based on your needs”. This works for what I need, and when I do occasionally get a blocked by geder message- I request access and their service is super fast!

I don’t have to request access every few weeks like another poster mentioned.

You can request a white list or black list and set up your “level of protection “.

I had trouble once connecting to a virtual doctors visit, so I called geder and they disabled the filter for an hour or so.
They are super nice and a pleasure to work with.

Regarding ads- you need to download AdBlocker from App Store. I found that a combination of a few ad blocks works very well.

- signed- a satmar lady
Ps in case you’re wondering why a satmar lady need access to fb- it’s bec I’m dealing with a very rare medical condition and need the support and advice from specific fb groups.

HelloG

Thu, Apr 15 2021, 7:46 pm

amother [ cornflower ] wrote:

Is the erasure reversible? Or is it permanent?

if you reset the phone then the filter comes off I belive

pinkpeonies

Thu, Apr 15 2021, 10:03 pm

I did it a few years ago, was the best decision I ever made honestly! I have my computer for internet and netflix etc, I dont need it in the palm of my hand, distracting me away from my children.
And the TAG offices in Lakewood couldnt care less what apps or websites you want. they are super respectful, dont ask a thing, and just tell you to make a list so they could unblock those sites. As for apps, whatever you have on your phone you keep.