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Zehava




 
 
 
 

Post Thu, Apr 15 2021, 6:31 pm
SafeAtLast wrote:
I didn’t see OP having expectations because they’re owed.
I see her having expectations so they grow into mature responsible adults.

She clearly said
“I bought him a car and a phone and he needs to give something back”
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amother




Aquamarine
 

Post Thu, Apr 15 2021, 6:48 pm
Parents can be unconditionally loving and expect their children to give back to the family in return for privileges. If op expected her son to mow the lawn in return for providing him with food, schooling, and basic clothing, there would be a problem. She is giving the kid a car for crying out loud! How many teens do you know with their own car provided free of charge by the parents? That is a huge privilege. Yes, he should have to be polite and safe according to his mother's standards, and do some sort of chores to help the family in return for the rights to such a privilege. Op, make a meeting with your son. Lovingly explain what a privilege your son is getting. Explain that you have certain expectations for him to continue receiving this privilege. Lay out the expectations very clearly. Have a clear consequence in place if he doesn't follow your expectations (he loses rights to the car for a month!). Be prepared to be tested. Stand firm. This doesn't have to be about your husband at all. YOU are the grown up in this child's life. Take back your power. You can do this. This is called parenting. You owe it to your son to show him a strong woman with high expectations of him.
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amother




Ivory
 

Post Thu, Apr 15 2021, 6:54 pm
I don't think you are right zehava. You can't always see every post through your experiences. Sometimes we have to step back and try to see what the op is saying without putting all our experiences and frustrations on her. You seem very sure of your opinions but I hope you realize that there is always a chance you are just wrong.
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SafeAtLast




 
 
 
 

Post Thu, Apr 15 2021, 6:55 pm
Zehava wrote:
She clearly said
“I bought him a car and a phone and he needs to give something back”


I think you’re taking it too literally.

I read that as I gave him trust and freedom and he needs to show he can use it responsibly.

It can be terribly frustrating to live with people who don’t have a care about other people’s schedules.

It is basic mentchlichkeit to give updates about an ETA when someone else is cooking for you and housing you.

The parents have a schedule and a life to live too.
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amother




OP
 

Post Thu, Apr 15 2021, 9:47 pm
SafeAtLast wrote:
Maybe it isn’t a marriage yet, but kids who grow up without accountability, responsibility and appreciation, make terrible spouses.


Exactly. I read those Shalom Bayis threads and get very very nervous.
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avrahamama




 
 
 
 

Post Thu, Apr 15 2021, 10:05 pm
amother [ OP ] wrote:
Exactly. I read those Shalom Bayis threads and get very very nervous.


Me too.

My oldest has chores. I told him the chores aren't because he lives here, the chores are because it's my job to help him grow to be a productive adult and loving spouse who participates in the household. They're for his chinuch not my benefit.
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