If you grew up with petch and want to stop the cycle

amother

Thu, Apr 15 2021, 1:38 pm

How did you do it, if you grew up in a home where giving petch was a normal consequence.
I find that now that my toddlers are older it’s almost like an automatic response even though beforehand I’d tell you logically that no way would I ever raise a hand to my child. (Please don’t say “just stop”, that’s not practical to me.)
Starting Blimie Heller’s class now.
Feels so futile. When I’m angry I feel like there’s a whole other “me”, that my automatic responses aren’t rational. Makes me sad that my kids will continue this because they’ve seen me already. What happens when I change, how does their psyche heal from the past?

amother

Cerise

Thu, Apr 15 2021, 1:40 pm

1. Good job on your self awareness
2. Apologize to your children
3. Take a physical literal deep breath which resets your nervous system
4. Learn about healing your inner child
5. Finish her course
6. Check out @sternasuissa on Instagram

Chayalle

Thu, Apr 15 2021, 1:42 pm

It takes time and effort, but for me, parenting classes were the way to go.

Children need appropriate parenting/discipline. I found that the way to stop hitting was to have different parenting skills in my arsenal, so that my go to wouldn't be to give a potch.

When things got tough, I used to sometimes remove myself for a bit. I'd take a deep breath, tell them that Mommy isn't happy with the current behavior but does not want to give a potch, so Mommy is going to leave the room for a minute. I'd come back out after a bit of calm breathing.

When you change, they will feel safer and more secure, and this heals them.

Keep score for yourself of your successes. They will help cheer you on.

Zehava

Thu, Apr 15 2021, 1:44 pm

That whole other you is your childhood self. Your kids behavior triggers you into a flashback and then you act out like a child in pain and not like the parent you are.
It’s not your fault. The more you heal the better you will parent.
Blimie does address that but I’d recommend focusing on it separately from parenting.

amother

Thu, Apr 15 2021, 1:44 pm

amother [ Azure ] wrote:

What’s making you so angry?

I can’t figure it out. From what I gather there’s probably inner child healing to do. I was a good kid, love my parents but my mom didn’t have tools when we were younger, and maybe that traumatized me even though I think I had an overall great childhood and I’m close with her now.
What makes me angry? One kid in particular.
Working on connection with her bec it’s obviously not logical. Trying to work on it from an emotional point of view

Regarding apologizing to the kids- do you know what a piece of * I feel like when I do it again after apologizing ? Obviously not bad enough if it happens again.
Feel stuck.

amother

Thu, Apr 15 2021, 1:45 pm

Chayalle wrote:

When I’m calm, I have other tools. It’s not a rational thing. I’ve never potchrd a kid to solve a problem.

Zehava

Thu, Apr 15 2021, 1:46 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

Just like petch will not change your Childrens behavior... beating yourself up won’t change yours. Let that sink in.

amother

Thu, Apr 15 2021, 1:46 pm

Zehava wrote:

can you recommend where to start? An easy way to learn (not long book)so it’ll be feasible.

amother

Thu, Apr 15 2021, 1:47 pm

Zehava wrote:

Just like petch will not change your Childrens behavior... beating yourself up won’t change yours. Let that sink in.

Ok. But it’s perpetuating a cycle. It’s different for ex from fighting with my husband and yelling.

Chayalle

Thu, Apr 15 2021, 1:48 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

When I’m calm, I have other tools. It’s not a rational thing. I’ve never potchrd a kid to solve a problem.

Right so when you're not calm, and you're about to potch, give yourself a time out. Walk away for a minute. Calm down, and then you can go back to the situation when you are more in control.

Zehava

Thu, Apr 15 2021, 1:48 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

can you recommend where to start? An easy way to learn (not long book)so it’ll be feasible.

Order the book Complex PTSD by Pete Walker. It’s available on Amazon. Read it slowly a chapter at a time. You can check out his articles online first if you want to get the idea. But I really recommend the book everyone who buys it tells me how it changed their life.

amother

Thu, Apr 15 2021, 1:48 pm

amother [ Cerise ] wrote:

Thanks for the chizzuk.
Will check out sterna. Any resources for inner child?

amother

Thu, Apr 15 2021, 1:49 pm

Chayalle wrote:

Right so when you're not calm, and you're about to potch, give yourself a time out. Walk away for a minute. Calm down, and then you can go back to the situation when you are more in control.

That pause is the hardest work of my entire life.

Zehava

Thu, Apr 15 2021, 1:49 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

Ok. But it’s perpetuating a cycle. It’s different for ex from fighting with my husband and yelling.

True. But you won’t break the cycle by treating yourself like your parents treated you.

amother

Coral

Thu, Apr 15 2021, 1:50 pm

I don’t know... I pretty much just do the opposite of what my parents did and my kids are BH growing up healthy and happy. Why would I want to repeat all the things I hated about my parents?

amother

Thu, Apr 15 2021, 1:53 pm

Zehava wrote:

True. But you won’t break the cycle by treating yourself like your parents treated you.

Haha true. I guess there’s a two-prong approach I got going here? 😀
With some of my other parenting behaviors I’ve found that Blimie’s approach to parenting helps bec it makes me appreciate that I’m human and trying and doing my best and will try again... all the things we want for our kids. So I’ve changed a bit. But not with this.
Feels good to come on and feel chizzuk and not yelling.

tp3

Thu, Apr 15 2021, 1:53 pm

The Nurtured Heart book and How to Talk to Kids book helped me tremendously. Also Sarah Chana Radcliffe's, Raise your child without raising your voice.

Good for you OP.
For me because of the hitting I grew up with, I cannot imagine hitting a child. As if I'm allergic to it. It's antithetical to everything I believe in.

Last edited by tp3 on Thu, Apr 15 2021, 1:54 pm; edited 1 time in total

amother

Thu, Apr 15 2021, 1:54 pm

amother [ Coral ] wrote:

I don’t know... I pretty much just do the opposite of what my parents did and my kids are BH growing up healthy and happy. Why would I want to repeat all the things I hated about my parents?

Good for you that it comes natural to do the opposite of what seems internally embedded. BH