If you grew up with petch and want to stop the cycle

amother

Thu, Apr 15 2021, 1:55 pm

tp3 wrote:

For me because of the hitting I grew up with, I cannot imagine hitting a child. As if I'm allergic to it. It's antithetical to everything I believe in.

I’d think that would be the case huh

Zehava

Thu, Apr 15 2021, 1:56 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

Haha true. I guess there’s a two-prong approach I got going here? 😀
With some of my other parenting behaviors I’ve found that Blimie’s approach to parenting helps bec it makes me appreciate that I’m human and trying and doing my best and will try again... all the things we want for our kids. So I’ve changed a bit. But not with this.
Feels good to come on and feel chizzuk and not yelling.

So practically, with my kids, when they feel like hitting I give them alternate ways to release that energy. I tell them to run back and forth to jump off the couch a couple times, hit a pillow etc.
for myself I will sometimes say “I’m going to scream right now, not at you, just because I’m mad and I want to scream”. It releases the frustration and is also a great teaching moment.

amother

Aquamarine

Thu, Apr 15 2021, 1:58 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

That pause is the hardest work of my entire life.

You will learn to recognize and be aware of your physical symptoms that precede your patience limit.
These symptoms will help you know when to make that pause happen.
And the more you do it the easier it will come to you. Till it is almost natural and you don't have to even think twice about it.

amother

Coral

Thu, Apr 15 2021, 1:58 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

Good for you that it comes natural to do the opposite of what seems internally embedded. BH

Hope I didn’t come across as insensitive to your struggle. I was just responding to the question in your OP of how ..
I very much admire your strength and commitment to be a better parent and break the cycle. Good luck!

imasinger

Thu, Apr 15 2021, 1:59 pm

You're off to a great start, OP.

You said this is the hardest work for you. The good news is that, once you grasp the beginning of it, it will get easier pretty quickly.

Be sure to reward yourself for every time you change your own behavior.

tp3

Thu, Apr 15 2021, 2:01 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

I’d think that would be the case huh

Everyone reacts differently. Don't waste time over the past, most important is to keep moving to your goal.

amother

Thu, Apr 15 2021, 2:02 pm

amother [ Coral ] wrote:

I realized that. I mean it literally.I’m frustrated for m but Good for you. Ashrecha ❤️

Zehava

Thu, Apr 15 2021, 2:08 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

I’m a Type 1 on the Enneagram. “Should”ing on myself is my natural place.
I see from the responses that’s where a lot of the work is too.

If you’re a type one then change and self-improvement is very achievable once you do the research and know how to go about it.

amother

Turquoise

Thu, Apr 15 2021, 2:12 pm

Thanks for starting this thread
I eat myself up every time after I give a potch- not that a potch even helps- but then it ends up happening again. The tips mentioned seem like a good way to start.

amother

Copper

Thu, Apr 15 2021, 2:13 pm

Maybe if you're a type 1 tell yourself that you're completely out of control when hitting?
Study why it is wrong according to all "rules" of 2021? Set a boundary for yourself?

imaima

Thu, Apr 15 2021, 2:20 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

How did you do it, if you grew up in a home where giving petch was a normal consequence.
I find that now that my toddlers are older it’s almost like an automatic response even though beforehand I’d tell you logically that no way would I ever raise a hand to my child. (Please don’t say “just stop”, that’s not practical to me.)
Starting Blimie Heller’s class now.
Feels so futile. When I’m angry I feel like there’s a whole other “me”, that my automatic responses aren’t rational. Makes me sad that my kids will continue this because they’ve seen me already. What happens when I change, how does their psyche heal from the past?

I need to be acutely aware of my emotional state ans remove myself from the kids when I am wound up.
Also, older kods can answer to potches and it really sobers one down.

An encouraging idea is that no-potching is a habit just like potching is. Practice other types of reactiions to misbehavior and you will get used to it.

keym

Thu, Apr 15 2021, 2:21 pm

Op I struggled with this a lot when my kids were younger.
My brain would say "no potching" but when a kid pushed my buttons, my hands just potched.
I mentioned this before.
I CROSS MY ARMS.
Walking out isn't always doable when parenting toddlers.
But if I found myself getting even moderately upset, I'd cross my arms as a barrier to hitting.
It helped me until I had the tools.
But even now, my kids know that if I cross my arms, they're in trouble. It's almost instinctive by now.

amother

Thu, Apr 15 2021, 2:21 pm

amother [ Copper ] wrote:

Maybe if you're a type 1 tell yourself that you're completely out of control when hitting?
Study why it is wrong according to all "rules" of 2021? Set a boundary for yourself?

I know the rules and thats where the guilt comes in.
The boundary is probably a good one.

amother

Thu, Apr 15 2021, 2:22 pm

keym wrote:

Very interesting. Thanks!

amother

Olive

Thu, Apr 15 2021, 2:29 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

I could have written this post from beginning to end. Signed up for Blimie's course as well. I feel you OP.

amother

Honeydew

Thu, Apr 15 2021, 2:31 pm

I feel like I could have written this post. I took Dina Friedman's mastery courses when I realized I know the rules but couldnt control myself. It really really helped me.

amother

Blonde

Thu, Apr 15 2021, 3:13 pm

Zehava wrote:

Order the book Complex PTSD by Pete Walker. It’s available on Amazon. Read it slowly a chapter at a time. You can check out his articles online first if you want to get the idea. But I really recommend the book everyone who buys it tells me how it changed their life.

I read it on you recommendation and it was eye opening so thanks!

amother

Black

Thu, Apr 15 2021, 3:38 pm

I did my research and found a parenting approach that lines up with my morals, values, and comfort levels. Then, I read loads of parenting books while I was pregnant with my oldest. I constantly refer to the books. Bh, the approach I chose is working excellent for us.