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Forum -> Parenting our children
If you grew up with petch and want to stop the cycle
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amother
Coffee


 

Post Thu, Apr 15 2021, 3:46 pm
Apologizing is a good start. It might help you restrain yourself, knowing that you’ll have to apologize afterwords, and go through that unpleasantness.
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PeanutMama




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Apr 15 2021, 3:59 pm
I grew up being hit and spanked with a belt or flip flop if I ever talked back or did something stupid or dangerous.

Today I’m close with my mother. But she did some mouth smacking when I was being disrespectful or talked back when I was not supposed to speak. If I uttered the words “but MA” SMACK.
My stepdad did most of the hitting. I don’t speak to him for obvious reasons but if I ever do see him I’ll at least be civil. I actually got scared of him and I guess that’s why I’m a people pleaser.
It’s what I grew up with and logically I know it’s not Torah way to be cruel to a child.
The most my son got smacked was when he was about to pull down the shabbos tablecloth with lit candles on it. It was a new thing for him to do. There were other stuff too like seforim a vase of fake flowers but my son was strong and determined to get those candles down! Now we move them further in the table towards the middle. But this Shabbos I plan to move the candles to the kitchen under the cabinets, but idk I’m not sure if the smoke from the fire is going to burn through the bottom of the cabinets. Yes it would be better to see the shabbos candles during the seuda but safety goes first with small children.
So what happened

I smacked him on the hand once and I’ll NEVER forget the hurt look in his eyes. I cried the entire shabbos and kept apologizing and hugging my son. I vowed never do it again!! But it’s difficult. It’s like reflex. I never actually raised my arm like my mom and stepdad did, but a smack is still a smack no matter how light it’s done.
If I feel myself getting frustrated that image comes up and I say HES JUST A BABY WHATS WRONG WITH YOU that stops me real quick. Then I feel guilty for getting frustrated with a BABY in the first place. I also still put my son in his crib then do that walk out the room and breathe thing. It truly helps. Or I turn on the radio and put some music on and we listen to music together. But not now because of sefira.
It’s a work in process and I’m proud I’m working on it at least. I have a lot of childhood stuff to sort out. I want my kid to trust me. I don’t want my kid to be so scared of me, to the point of having to practice how to ask permission to ride a bike.
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amother
Orange


 

Post Thu, Apr 15 2021, 4:07 pm
I struggled. Not bad but enough that scared me. Like I had to control myself not to hit.
I took a parenting course and it changed my outlook and how I talked to my kids
My kids are older now and I have babies also and I have no urge or desire to hit ever or lose control. I think I’ve developed a level of patience over the years

I think with younger kids it’s harder you can’t talk to them or reason so sometimes you feel like patch becomes only option. And then it becomes a pattern you don’t stop when they become older. It’s hard to learn new options but once you do everything changes forever.

(For a toddler with little understanding I will sometimes give light swat on hand but not out of anger but to stop a very dangerous or socially unacceptable behavior. (very rare like doesn’t happen even once a year) - pull something off stove, turn on oven, run into street on purpose, touch candles, etc. or pull off my tichel in public. (I know that is my problem but I can’t allow it bec then it becomes a joke to them. Need to stop first time) )
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amother
Slateblue


 

Post Thu, Apr 15 2021, 5:06 pm
It's about retraining your nervous system. Releasing the charge that's held in the nervous system, allows for the retraining process to begin.

Right now, when there is a certain kind of stimulus, your nervous system has a certain kind of response.

The stimulus will always be there, so long as humans walk the face of this earth.

What you can change is the response/reaction in you:

When you get worked up, learn to become aware of the energy that is stirred up in you. Pay close attention to it. Don't rush to hit, rather focus your attention on the arousal within you. Learn to contain the arousal/waves inside your body instead of trashing it onto your helpless child. Learn to keep it inside, allowing it to move inside your skin envelope, through your muscles, bones, organs, blood, cells. Track the movement with your attention. If you do this, you will notice it moves through you and out through your fingers and toes and top of head. This is called ''discharge'', you discharge the charge that was activated in reflexive response to a stimulus.

It is helpful to identify the stimulus that tends to activate you: is it when your child laughs? cries? screams? kicks? eats? says "no"? spaces out? wets the bed?

Get support because this is not easy work on your own. However, you reap what you sow and the results are absolutely gratifying! You morph from a reactive mother to a cool calm collected loving kind human being whose children thrive in her care.

Usually this is easier to do with the presence and holding of another person, one who has already worked through these kinks in their own nervous system.
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amother
Babyblue


 

Post Thu, Apr 15 2021, 5:16 pm
Hashem_n_Farfel wrote:

The most my son got smacked was when he was about to pull down the shabbos tablecloth with lit candles on it. It was a new thing for him to do. There were other stuff too like seforim a vase of fake flowers but my son was strong and determined to get those candles down! Now we move them further in the table towards the middle. But this Shabbos I plan to move the candles to the kitchen under the cabinets, but idk I’m not sure if the smoke from



Th is is off tooic, but UNFORTUNATELY , it's really important that the horse be safe fire the baby.

Can u install a high shelf for candles? so your candles could be higher than eye level?

Please do not put candles on counter that is underneath cabinets.
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PeanutMama




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Apr 15 2021, 5:28 pm
amother [ Babyblue ] wrote:
Th is is off tooic, but UNFORTUNATELY , it's really important that the horse be safe fire the baby.

Can u install a high shelf for candles? so your candles could be higher than eye level?

Please do not put candles on counter that is underneath cabinets.


Thats a great idea. I’ll talk to my husband about it.
He’ll agree to take on a new “project” heh.
I’ll look up some pics on google to get an idea what to look for.
Thanks!
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amother
Mauve


 

Post Thu, Apr 15 2021, 5:29 pm
Zehava wrote:
That whole other you is your childhood self. Your kids behavior triggers you into a flashback and then you act out like a child in pain and not like the parent you are.
It’s not your fault. The more you heal the better you will parent.
Blimie does address that but I’d recommend focusing on it separately from parenting.


I needed to hear this.
I’m so nurturing and kind by nature yet I find myself (too often) acting like a monster to my child. (Yelling too much, smacking out of anger) the guilt I walk around with is tremendous. It keeps me up so many nights. I can’t understand how I, the one who knows how growing up in an abusive home feels is the one hurting my own child. I hate myself for this reason.
I feel worthless on most day knowing that I’m failing at being that good mom I PROMISED I’ll be.
I see how how problems I have from my childhood yet I’m passing on some of them.
When people say “just stop” I burst into tears. I WISH I can just stop.
I really try my best. I’m in therapy. I’m getting better but I do fall back at times.
I have a hard time accepting my good parts because of the monster I sometimes become. I needed to hear that the monster is really not me. Obviously I need to continue working on that but I need to start realizing the loving, caring and warm mother I usually am.
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amother
Mauve


 

Post Thu, Apr 15 2021, 6:00 pm
Op I agree with you that the hardest part is the pause.
I learnt excellent skills to help me go from emotional state to logical where obviously I wouldn’t be hurting my child. But, I can’t get myself to pause and therefor can’t even practice the tools then.
I use the tools anyway to keep me from getting even angrier because of DC reaction to my smack and bh that helps. But I wish I can just pause for 1 second. I feel like my hand just flies up and smacks and only then do I have a second to pause and apply the skills.
It’s so frustrating and of course I apologize. Not just once and not just a quick apology. I apologize and then give DC a long rundown how he doesn’t deserve to be hurt EVER, he’s a good child no matter what, I was angry and I hit which is not ok. I love him and even if he makes “mistakes” he is not a bad child.
(I give him this entire shmooze again once he’s sleeping so it should go into his subconscious)
To the poster who wrote apologizing might help stop the hitting, for me it won’t. Apologizing is all I want to do after I hurt my child. If I was purposely hitting maybe I would have a problem apologizing but when I don’t feel in control and I hurt my kid it’s all I can think of for the next few hours.
Like I said I’m in therapy and B”H my therapist becomes a tiger when kids are being hurt so she’s definitely working with me to help me stop.
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Zehava




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Apr 15 2021, 6:00 pm
amother [ Mauve ] wrote:
I needed to hear this.
I’m so nurturing and kind by nature yet I find myself (too often) acting like a monster to my child. (Yelling too much, smacking out of anger) the guilt I walk around with is tremendous. It keeps me up so many nights. I can’t understand how I, the one who knows how growing up in an abusive home feels is the one hurting my own child. I hate myself for this reason.
I feel worthless on most day knowing that I’m failing at being that good mom I PROMISED I’ll be.
I see how how problems I have from my childhood yet I’m passing on some of them.
When people say “just stop” I burst into tears. I WISH I can just stop.
I really try my best. I’m in therapy. I’m getting better but I do fall back at times.
I have a hard time accepting my good parts because of the monster I sometimes become. I needed to hear that the monster is really not me. Obviously I need to continue working on that but I need to start realizing the loving, caring and warm mother I usually am.

The monster isn’t a monster at all. It’s a scared and lonely little child trying to survive.
Please give it the same love and compassion that you would give any other child who is hurting.
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amother
Mauve


 

Post Thu, Apr 15 2021, 6:05 pm
Zehava wrote:
The monster isn’t a monster at all. It’s a scared and lonely little child trying to survive.
Please give it the same love and compassion that you would give any other child who is hurting.


You made me cry. Heart
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amother
Copper


 

Post Thu, Apr 15 2021, 6:12 pm
amother [ Mauve ] wrote:
You made me cry. Heart


So good that you can cry!
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Zehava




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Apr 15 2021, 6:21 pm
amother [ Mauve ] wrote:
You made me cry. Heart

Awww🤗🤗🤗
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amother
Denim


 

Post Thu, Apr 15 2021, 6:25 pm
amother [ OP ] wrote:
How did you do it, if you grew up in a home where giving petch was a normal consequence.
I find that now that my toddlers are older it’s almost like an automatic response even though beforehand I’d tell you logically that no way would I ever raise a hand to my child. (Please don’t say “just stop”, that’s not practical to me.)
Starting Blimie Heller’s class now.
Feels so futile. When I’m angry I feel like there’s a whole other “me”, that my automatic responses aren’t rational. Makes me sad that my kids will continue this because they’ve seen me already. What happens when I change, how does their psyche heal from the past?

I’m sorry I did not read the entire thread yet, but your thread title jumped out to me. I have a family member that keeps harassing me that my dc’s challenging behavior is due to the fact that dc never gets ‘petch’. According to her, all dc needs is just some good petch...
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amother
Salmon


 

Post Thu, Apr 15 2021, 6:36 pm
I'm responding to the learning how to get that "pause." I struggled so much with this and found that DBT was a lifesaver. Especially, mindfulness, which does help you reset your nervous system. It's a lot of work but it can be done. Hatzlacha!
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amother
Cerise


 

Post Thu, Apr 15 2021, 6:54 pm
amother [ OP ] wrote:
Thanks for the chizzuk.
Will check out sterna. Any resources for inner child?


Daniel Siegel - parenting from the inside out is a good start

Idk if they're still up but there was stories about hitting on @motheringmindset
Blimie is also on Instagram... Trying to think of specifically what else
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amother
OP


 

Post Thu, Apr 15 2021, 6:56 pm
amother [ Slateblue ] wrote:
It's about retraining your nervous system. Releasing the charge that's held in the nervous system, allows for the retraining process to begin.

Right now, when there is a certain kind of stimulus, your nervous system has a certain kind of response.

The stimulus will always be there, so long as humans walk the face of this earth.

What you can change is the response/reaction in you:

When you get worked up, learn to become aware of the energy that is stirred up in you. Pay close attention to it. Don't rush to hit, rather focus your attention on the arousal within you. Learn to contain the arousal/waves inside your body instead of trashing it onto your helpless child. Learn to keep it inside, allowing it to move inside your skin envelope, through your muscles, bones, organs, blood, cells. Track the movement with your attention. If you do this, you will notice it moves through you and out through your fingers and toes and top of head. This is called ''discharge'', you discharge the charge that was activated in reflexive response to a stimulus.

It is helpful to identify the stimulus that tends to activate you: is it when your child laughs? cries? screams? kicks? eats? says "no"? spaces out? wets the bed?

Get support because this is not easy work on your own. However, you reap what you sow and the results are absolutely gratifying! You morph from a reactive mother to a cool calm collected loving kind human being whose children thrive in her care.

Usually this is easier to do with the presence and holding of another person, one who has already worked through these kinks in their own nervous system.

Wow thank you for all of that information.
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amother
OP


 

Post Thu, Apr 15 2021, 6:58 pm
amother [ Mauve ] wrote:
Op I agree with you that the hardest part is the pause.
I learnt excellent skills to help me go from emotional state to logical where obviously I wouldn’t be hurting my child. But, I can’t get myself to pause and therefor can’t even practice the tools then.
I use the tools anyway to keep me from getting even angrier because of DC reaction to my smack and bh that helps. But I wish I can just pause for 1 second. I feel like my hand just flies up and smacks and only then do I have a second to pause and apply the skills.
It’s so frustrating and of course I apologize. Not just once and not just a quick apology. I apologize and then give DC a long rundown how he doesn’t deserve to be hurt EVER, he’s a good child no matter what, I was angry and I hit which is not ok. I love him and even if he makes “mistakes” he is not a bad child.
(I give him this entire shmooze again once he’s sleeping so it should go into his subconscious)
To the poster who wrote apologizing might help stop the hitting, for me it won’t. Apologizing is all I want to do after I hurt my child. If I was purposely hitting maybe I would have a problem apologizing but when I don’t feel in control and I hurt my kid it’s all I can think of for the next few hours.
Like I said I’m in therapy and B”H my therapist becomes a tiger when kids are being hurt so she’s definitely working with me to help me stop.

Wow I resonate with the apology part. Same.
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amother
Periwinkle


 

Post Thu, Apr 15 2021, 7:01 pm
Pretend there are cameras everywhere and that you were being videoed/watched.
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amother
Aquamarine


 

Post Thu, Apr 15 2021, 7:03 pm
I also used to pretend I'm in teacher mode and deal with the situation as if im the teacher.
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amother
OP


 

Post Thu, Apr 15 2021, 7:04 pm
amother [ Periwinkle ] wrote:
Pretend there are cameras everywhere and that you were being videoed/watched.

Yup. This is the thing that works.
...if I remember.
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