My house is a war zone and it eats me up

Crookshanks

Sun, Apr 18 2021, 12:18 pm

amother [ Olive ] wrote:

Im just putting this out there:
I grew up with INSANE sibling rivalry, similar to what you're all describing. My parents also had great shalom bayis and a great relationship with each of us. We screamed and fought day in and day out. We were picked on and picked on other siblings for stupid reasons.
Today (im one of the oldests, im about 30) we are one of the closest families I know. We really love each other, we speak all the time, and have each other for shabbos constantly. We just really enjoy every opportunity to be together. We are always mevater to each other and easily fargin when one child gets something that another doesnt.
I hope this helps even one of you! I know my parents went through hell with our fighting as children, but they are having intense nachas now, and I promise youd rather fighting teens than fighting adults.
Maybe they just need to get it out of their system!

I came here to say this-my siblings and I murdered each other on a daily basis when we were younger-no trauma, great relationship with parents, no shalom bayis issues etc. We simply hated each other's guts. 10 years later we are the closest friends (as teenagers) and we simply outgrew the fighting stage. Now we remember those times and laugh. There is definitely hope for all of you and your children can and iyH will outgrow this stage.

amother

Lavender

Sun, Apr 18 2021, 1:56 pm

Crookshanks wrote:

Ditto. I even had nieces telling their mother not to worry about them because they watched their aunts murder each other and look how close they are once they got married. My kids are now doing the same and it’s the only thing that’s keeping me sane. That this too shall pass.

amother

Gray

Sun, Apr 18 2021, 4:41 pm

OP, I think there's a difference between bickering and real fighting. Do they also play nicely, take care of each other and look out for each other? Iow, is their overall relationship positive? If yes then I try to ignore the bickering as long as it's not dangerous and there doesn't seem to be anger or hurt feelings. Although zero tolerance for name-calling.

If it is real fighting, I agree that the goal is for them to learn to work out their own disagreements, but that doesn't happen by telling them to figure it out and then leaving them alone. They need to be taught how to express strong feelings respectfully, work out disagreements, take responsibility and apologize.

I highly recommend an old book, Siblings Without Rivalry, by the same authors as How to Talk so Kids Will Listen.

dankbar

Sun, Apr 18 2021, 5:44 pm

A child that hits, his hands get restrained from doing so until he learns that hands are meant for mitzvos. ( that is if he doesn't go to his room) if he does then it might be easier to diffuse situation)
Moms need to get their own emotions out of kids behaviors.
Don't let yourself be sucked into playing judge or taking sides.
Also don't fall for tactics, like you love him more, or you hate me, or your the worst mom, I hate you. Don't take these comments personally. Don't get insulted or throw them back these words as a way of revenge.
Stay calm, cool & collected.
Think to yourself that the child has the capabality to resolve fights & overcome, it will give him the power to do so.
When a child tells me, I hate you, I respond, too bad, I will love you forever anyway.

amother

Denim

Sun, Apr 18 2021, 6:21 pm

dankbar wrote:

Do you have a good response for child crying "you hate me!" every time child doesn't get something he/she wants...??

amother

Denim

Sun, Apr 18 2021, 6:25 pm

amother [ Scarlet ] wrote:

I don't allow fighting or bullying or bickering. Whoever is unpleasant can talk it out and problem solve or remove themselves from the room until his behavior is pleasant.
Whoever bullies nonstop will immediately lose screentime or get an early bedtime for an extended amount of time.
When children know that the parents are in charge, they listen.
When parents give the children too much power, children will usurp as much as possible while at the same time hating it. It's the biggest insecurity to have more power than the adult.

What does it mean, "you don't let"?
How do you get children to remove themselves from the room?

I don't let either. I hate punishing all day long. Some kids just don't listen, no matter how many times they're removed from the room and lose their privaleges.

amother

Scarlet

Sun, Apr 18 2021, 8:47 pm

amother [ Denim ] wrote:

Kids have to be conditioned to listen from the very beginning. When they understand that parents are the adults and children are the little people in the home whose job it is to grow up in the best way possible within the framework that the parents provide, then there is a lot less power struggle. Children understand that they are entitled to an opinion and can also disagree but parents have the last word.
This structure is necessary for children to feel secure and trusting in their parents' authority.
At times especially around preteen/early teen stage when more independence is kicking in, this concept has to be reviewed and explained again. A child can understand what the world would look like if every person got to make rules for himself, and what our home would look like if everyone did whatever they wanted. They recognize that such a home would not feel safe or calm to them. Therefore they understand that final decisions are up to the parents, and I remind them that one day they will be the parent of their own household and it will be their turn to make the decisions.

This is one of the premises that our home runs by. The older a child gets, the more decisions I allow him to make.

I do not have to punish regularly. I try my hardest to set a positive atmosphere so that my children look forward to coming home. My vision is that our home should feel to them as a safe oasis in the tumultuous world out there.

One thing I do is to make sure to have plenty interesting activities on hand because that is usually more fun than bickering.
I don't allow physical violence or any kind of bullying because, as I've told them, every child in our home has a right to feel safe at any time.
Excess bickering means they want my attention and it's time to change up the activity and involve myself in it.
There may be one particular behavior for each one that I'll punish for and it's only after we've reviewed many times what reaction they are supposed to have instead. Ie if a younger child is bothering an older one, the older still cannot use his hands against the younger one, the proper thing to do is either distract the younger one with a more interesting activity, walk away, or let me know so I can deal with it.

Our house runs on a loose schedule daily, from the time we wake up until we go to sleep there are routines we do every day at certain points. Dinner is always ready by a certain time, everyone takes showers before bed, etc. When there is a schedule (not rigid) and routines that everyone follows, there is no arguing about whose turn it is for a shower, what's for breakfast etc.

My aim is to bring out the best in every child and I do that by proactively looking for little things to compliment them on, all the time. Hugs, kisses, I love yous, I'm so lucky you were born to our family, thank yous and showing gratitude towards them. Treats and extras I give them just because it brings me great pleasure to see smiles on their faces and know that their little hearts are happy.