Threatening not to go to school or day camp

amother

Sun, Apr 18 2021, 11:22 pm

amother [ Jetblack ] wrote:

Most girls wear sneakers in daycamp. I don't think it's fair that she needs to beg like this and work for something that's practically a need, a normal thing that most kids get regardless. I can't see how 1 pair of shoes can last a girl from now through the summer. She's really acting her age, you just have to let go of making this into a battle. Perhaps the 2 of you should learn how to communicate better with each other's.

I am usually pretty much on target with the trends and styles in brooklyn where we live. I don't think I am forcing her to wear the most nerdy shoes out there...I have definitely seen kids in the summer wearing these types of atlanta moccasin loafers with chambray clothing and blue or black socks. In addition, I don't know what you are used to buying for your kids but in the past I have been perfectly able to buy an expensive ($100+) leather school shoe from a local shoes store, have it last tye whole school year and then a cheaper sneaker.gor tye summer which they alternate with natives until we buy the next yrs school shoe. How many pairs of shoes and what quality do u buy for your children?
Let me finish off by saying I am aware that I do have a hard time communicating with this daughter. Any defiance is felt as a personal attack and purposeful disrespect a feeling that has been perpetuated by years of challenging parenting situations I don't wish to go into further. I came here for advice and a different perspective which I definitely got. Thanks.

amother

Jetblack

Sun, Apr 18 2021, 11:26 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

My girls get a pair of local priced school shoes in September, a pair of sneakers for pesach/spring season and another pair for daycamp so they could alternate during the summer. This is pretty standard. Sneakers don't have to be expensive and it's a basic item that kids should get without having to beg or work towards earning them. Your daughter is getting older and it's important that she fit in with her pairs. Threatening is pretty age appropriate for pre teens and you shouldn't be taking it so personally or making it into a power struggle. Instead, listen between the lines to what she's trying to tell you.

amother

Magenta

Sun, Apr 18 2021, 11:27 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

I empathize with you and the years of challenge...
Hugs.
It is possible to shift this internalized power/control issue. Some inner exploration with a compassionate guide. You've got this!
Don't waste the next few years powering through this. Get support.

watergirl

Mon, Apr 19 2021, 6:26 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

I dont know what chambray clothing is, or Atlanta moccasin loafers are. But you mentioned blue and black clothing a few times and you also said these shoes you got her are cognac colored. Question for you; who chose these cognac shoes? Was she there? Could it be that she does not want such dark colors for shoes and especially for summer shoes? Where I live, summer clothing is light and bright. I can’t imagine dark summer shoes.

You are so caught up in the power struggle here, you can’t see that she is very much behaving like any other girl her age. I would suck this one up and ask her what she wants for her summer every day shoes. You are feeling triggered by a young teen; this is for you to work on but not on her cheshbon. She is not trying to personally attack you. She literally just wants different shoes.

Again, who chose these cognac colored leather loafer shoes? That really does not seem at all like a summer camp shoe.

amother

Peach

Mon, Apr 19 2021, 7:05 am

OP, I feel with you.
Yet just know that my parents made conditions like this all the time (‘choose this one carefully because this is what you’ll be wearing for daycamp, etc.) and I was very DAMAGED by it. If she makes the wrong decision, and she will cuz she’s very young, she’ll then have to ‘suffer’ for it.
Your daughter doesn’t know how to get you to see her side, so she is simply saying she’ll be embarrassed to go to camp.
She is truly anxious.
Even if she ends up going, she truly WILL be embarrassed. And it’s very damaging for kids to feel different from others, whether their feelings are real or perceived.
Kids generally get school shoes in the spring, and also sneakers for the summer. That is standard. I live in Lakewood, which I think is similar to Brooklyn in that way.
While sometimes kids wear loafers to match certain outfits, it is weird not to have sneakers in the summer.
Don’t get expensive shoes if it’s then such a big deal. Or get adidas sneakers on amazon or Zappos.
I got sneakers on hoo shoes.com for about $45 and my daughter is thrilled. She’s pretty fashion conscious.
I’m 40 and I still remember my mother warning me that my shabbos coat had to last for a very long time (7th grade), that I could get 3 tops and 2 skirts and anything else would come from my (nonexistent) money (12th grade), etc..... the helplessness I felt cuz I was such a nerd....
I wasnt combative so I didn’t threaten. Instead, I retreated, and was filled with a deep sense of shame. It follows me to this day.

chanchy123

Mon, Apr 19 2021, 7:39 am

DrMom wrote:

Sneakers for camp seems like a no-brainer. Why are you insisting on these "cognac loafers?" (Who talks like this about footwear for daycamp?)

I understand OP, I have a kid that age and I understand exactly what is bothering her. She had this whole thing with her daughter about buying the appropriate shoes, which would work for both school and camp (Whatever that means - this is not an issue at all in my world), but then DD changed her mind AFTER they went out to buy the first pair, so they schlepped out to buy the second pair even though DD should have known better and lo and behold DD realized that OP had been right all along but now won't live with the consequences. I totally get it, even though I don't get the whole shoe thing. I think OP should use this as a teaching opportunity instead of turning it into a battle.

watergirl

Mon, Apr 19 2021, 7:55 am

chanchy123 wrote:

I did not get from OP that the daughter was part of the shopping, actually. The way I read it was that the first pair were bought, maybe with the daughter's input, then returned and this pair was chosen by OP. OP said this girl is her oldest, so she may still be in the mindset for younger children, where you can get away with shopping for kids shoes without the kids and then they will just wear whatever you get them.

OP, I googled "cognac moccasin atlanta loafers" and came up with a brown slip-on loafer shoe. I totally understand why a 12 year old girl would not want to wear these to school or camp. When name brand is important, and you live in a community who values the whole $100 shoe thing, I can see how this would be a trap to fall into. $35 natives for whatever and $80-100 shoes for whatever and add $80 shabbos shoes for each kid for each season and yes, I understand why getting another pair is a hard pill to swallow.

Can you please clarify so you will get the best and most accurate input from us all. Was she with you and chose these brown loafers? Was she with you when the first pair was purchased? More details please.

amother

Mon, Apr 19 2021, 8:26 am

watergirl wrote:

Let me be clear. She chose the cognac color herself. That is what is in style and all her classmates are getting. This is tye reason we returned the first pair of shoes, they were not stylish enough even though, mind u they were bought from a stylish brooklyn store. Although you are right, I bought the shoes for her online, she saw them and tried them on and knew they were her alternative once we were returning the first pair. Tye issue is she wants an additional pair just for day camp which I would like to hold off on purchasing until we are sure we need them

amother

Mon, Apr 19 2021, 8:30 am

I can't figure out how to post a picture of the shoes I bought but they are definitely not dark brown...they are a neutral light colored leather loafers. If you are curious to see google peroqette and you will see something similar on their website. All of you who have wondered wether I am forcing my taste on her should be aware that I am not. She wants this type of shoe... only not for day camp. They first pair may not have been super in, as in the shoe "Everyone" is getting but it was a denim colored slipon sneaker from venettini that would have served both purposes perfectly.

watergirl

Mon, Apr 19 2021, 8:36 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

Thanks for clarifying.

For camp, yes, she needs shoes for camp. I wonder if she knew she would be getting camp shoes, would she agree to wear these to school? Depending on the site you bought these shoes at, the return policy may allow you to send them back if they were only worn indoors around the house. It's worth a phone call to customer service to ask. A lot of shoe sites, like Zappos, will take back shoes in those conditions.

amother

Mon, Apr 19 2021, 8:42 am

amother [ Peach ] wrote:

The point is not to have a ‘whole thing’ about buying appropriate shoes in the first place. Just buy shoes. No strings attached. By making a whole ‘thing’ the kid gets anxious, and if she has a hard time with decisions then she’s doubly anxious.

Honestly this wasn't a thing. We went to the store, bought a pair that I thought she was satisfied with. Once we came home she decided it wasn't stylish enough and she wanted to return it. I then looked online and ordered the more stylish shoe. We returned the other shoe. Now in hindsight she regrets returning the first pair since she realizes it was a better idea for both day camp and school. It is too late since they are sold out. I think she needs to be taught a lesson about living with her choices in addition to appropriate arguments to make. I probably will end up buying her a sneaker too, once she earns it.

amother

Jetblack

Mon, Apr 19 2021, 8:42 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

Yes, she needs a pair of sneakers for daycamp. It's a standard basic. It's not something kids are supposed to "earn".
This is the reason I don't buy expensive shoes for the pesach season, because they're anyways getting sneakers for daycamp and they don't wear the shoes for that long.

amother

Babypink

Mon, Apr 19 2021, 8:43 am

I think she’s acting as a normal teen
Fashion is important to them
Fitting in is important
Go to the icecream store alone and sit down with Her and talk
You need to understand where she is coming from
She needs to understand that threats are not the way to get what you want
Dark school shoes, because that’s what the school rules are, are not for summer
I don’t think this is a finance issue, I may be wrong
But please try to communicate with her so she’ll come to you with the important stuff.

And please don’t make her earn basics

amother

Pearl

Mon, Apr 19 2021, 8:48 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

I know shopping for kids can drive us nuts. But they don't always know exactly what they want, especially if shopping online and it looks different in person once it comes.
My daughter prefers slip on sneakers and she likes the $15 target ones. She had them last year and they lasted for months, school year and summer. She requested them again. That was easy. Clothing for her is a different story. After I spent $400+ on her she sulked for three days.

And please do not make her earn her sneakers. Tell her that you understand it's very important to her and that she needs them.