Threatening not to go to school or day camp

watergirl

Mon, Apr 19 2021, 11:30 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

The first shoes would have worked for both. As I said I didn't just take her to some weird store and expect her to put something completely outdated or nerdy. I am sorry for what you went through as a child but this is not the same scenario.

Why are you so stuck on the idea that there should only be ONE pair of shoes? Why cant there be a pair for school and a pair for camp?

amother

Tan

Mon, Apr 19 2021, 11:37 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

In addition I would like to clarify the type of day camp she will be attending. It is Brooklyn based. The kids mostly stay indoors in a school building. They have activities in the school building. It is not done outdoor rural program that she needs really athletic footwear. In addition she hates sports and won't often participate in those activities. I don't think these shoes are so unacceptable for such a scenario.

I understand what type of camp you are describing and went to one myself. It’s still healthy for a child to have sneakers in the summer months, that encourage physical activity. It’s hard to play ball and jump rope in loafers. Even if she doesn’t like these activities, as a mother the healthy and normal way is to buy sneakers for camp/ summer.
This is completely in addition to the shame factor that she is feeling and the distress and anxiety she is having about a shoe choice.

Op, it’s really unwise to have your daughter so stressed about something as trivial as sneakers. You need to have a long term perspective of your relationship with her and her mental health to disengage yourself from this power struggle that you are currently locked in. You sound like you care and I hope truly hope you resolve the issue soon! Hatzlacha

amother

Cerise

Mon, Apr 19 2021, 11:56 am

I went to day camps in Brooklyn. Of course I got sneakers every summer. When we were indoors we still played belts, jump rope, machanayim. It wasn't all origami and kitchen craft. You might think she doesn't care about sports but if she doesn't have sneakers you're not even giving her the option to try.

You gave her an unfair task. Camp sneakers don't work in Brooklyn schools and school shoes don't work for camp. She was basically informed by you that she'd have to sacrifice one over the other and she kept changing her mind on which was the lesser of two evils. She shouldn't have to earn her camp sneakers any more then a child should have to earn their school shoes. You seem intent on "showing" her for some reason, but if you make her earn her sneakers she'll probably remember this into adulthood. I'd honestly suggest you see a therapist to work out your issues.

Chayalle

Mon, Apr 19 2021, 12:03 pm

amother [ Tan ] wrote:

Op, it’s really unwise to have your daughter so stressed about something as trivial as sneakers. You need to have a long term perspective of your relationship with her and her mental health to disengage yourself from this power struggle that you are currently locked in. You sound like you care and I hope truly hope you resolve the issue soon! Hatzlacha

Why would such an excellent post be amother.

amother

Pearl

Mon, Apr 19 2021, 1:04 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

Instead of having her earn the more stylish shoes, ( which might have been the better route to start with) I am having her earn the sneakers. I don't think that is unreasonable. I am sure if it came up as a question posted this way many people would agree with me.
Maybee in your regular scenario it sounds a bit harsh but if you read through the thread u will see that we have tried to accommodate her requirements/ feelings and still are in a situation that she is unhappy. We aren't such ogres that we are forcing her to wear shoes she hates or something weird that will make her stand out as strange. At this point I think it's only fair to use this as an opportunity to teach her a lesson.

OP she already learned her lesson. She will think twice next time before buying shoes. We learn through experience and mistakes. Making her earn her own sneakers is more of a punishment, and why would you want to punish her?

amother

Pearl

Mon, Apr 19 2021, 1:05 pm

amother [ Firebrick ] wrote:

She sounds really bratty and entitled.

Take her to Target or Payless, and let her pick from the cheap sneakers that will last through the summer. She doesn't need name brand shoes.

It is not bratty or entitled to be indecisive. Have you never changed your mind about a pair of shoes or an article of clothing?

amother

Brunette

Mon, Apr 19 2021, 1:47 pm

I have a daughter who is almost the same age who gives me a really hard time with clothes so I feel your pain. I think you need to stop the power struggle and sit down with her. Ask her what exactly do you want sneakers for and why do you need it? Sneakers are pretty standard in the summer, but threatening you and being chutzpadik are really unacceptable. I feel like you might just get a clearer answer such as, “ all the girls have sneakers and I’ll be the only one without.” That’s fair and that’s proper communication. That being said, you don’t have to get expensive sneakers, you can explain your reasoning and cheshbon for purchases and offer to buy let’s say up to $40 or whatever you are comfortable with, amd if she wants brand name and you don’t want to buy it, that’s totally fine. But you need to make it crystal clear that threats and chutzpah are not a way of communicating. Just shut that down. And no you are not a bad mother just a tired teen mom

chanchy123

Mon, Apr 19 2021, 1:53 pm

Now that I’ve read through the thread I realize that I didn’t understand the shoe situation. While I sympathise with OP on dealing with a preteen - it seems like she really does need the sneakers. If it were me I’d apologize to DD for not understanding that this is a need and not a want and explain that you had spent the shoe budget on one nice pair of (awesome stylish) school shoes so you’ll have to make do with a cheaper pair of sneakers. And you can try to plan better for next year together.
Make sure she understands that you changed your mind because your understating off the situation changed, not because of her ultimatums.
As I said earlier, I have a daughter that age who is very fashion conscious while I am not so much.
ETA
In my world sneakers are a back to school purchase not a summer purchase. My kids get a new pair for physical education class and every day wear every fall and are replaced if needed. I would have never made the connection between summer camp and sneakers (although I guess my kids must have worn sneakers to camp throughout the years 🤔 at least some of the time).

Last edited by chanchy123 on Mon, Apr 19 2021, 1:59 pm; edited 2 times in total

professor

Mon, Apr 19 2021, 1:57 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

I did bring up the idea of her doing things to earn the sneakers and possibly just showing an effort to improve in other areas in her life that her behavior is lacking. I will have to table the discussion but each time we discuss it and she threatens these things my blood pressure goes up and I can't handle the lack of derech eretz. None of my other kids would dare threaten us like she does. She never could deal with us telling her what to do and her not being in control or getting her own way. She is the oldest

Try to remove yourself from it, and look at it without it affecting your blood pressure. If your friend told you about her own child what advice would you give her? When you are so emotionally involved, it is too hard to see streight

amother

Floralwhite

Mon, Apr 19 2021, 6:28 pm

OP wow wow wow. I found this thread *really* triggering. I grew without clothing that was in any way stylish or even appropriate for the setting (think: congac loafers for camp) and I will tell you this: it sticks with you for life and is *extremely* damaging. A girl needs sneakers for camp, GET HER THE SNEAKERS. and yes, she changed her mind and blah blah blah about the first pair, LET IT GO. you are the adult here. You are also the mom with an obligation to make sure that your daughter isnt stressed out about SNEAKERS. Good God, woman, it's a basic need.
And moving forward: pick your battles wisely.

ra_mom

Mon, Apr 19 2021, 6:49 pm

OP, I know what it's like to have a child where everything is hard. I took a short inexpensive course on the parent child connection a few years ago and things have really started to change when my mindset shifted and I did the work and practiced. You can do this. You deserve to enjoy your child, your child deserves to enjoy you, and with Hashem's help it will happen.
I can see you really care about your child, you both are heading toward each other but then just missing each other.

amother

Olive

Mon, Apr 19 2021, 7:04 pm

ra_mom wrote:

Which class was this? I honestly feel for you OP, I am dealing with a challenging preteen whose general attitude is really triggering.

amother

Seagreen

Mon, Apr 19 2021, 7:25 pm

1. She is the oldest. Where is she learning these tactics from? Is it possible she's learning them from you? Do you ever threaten her with punishments or consequences?
2. Don't connect everything, all her behavior, to these sneakers. That's going to leave a bad taste in her mouth and instead of being grateful to you for the sneakers she's going to resent you.
3. Maybe you can give it a break for a few days and then say I've been thinking about it, and I really want you to have a cute pair of sneakers. Here is $25-30, should we shop together for a pair? What style did you have in mind?

I am speaking as the daughter of a controlling mother who I have no relationship with these days because of how she treated me.
Also speaking as the mother of a sometimes difficult (manipulating) , but usually sweet, clever, good hearted oldest child. It's an effort to related to him in a positive way, and an effort not to get tangled up in his manipulation but I try really hard to not get caught up in the web and to maintain a good relationship.
Example: he was being obnoxious to everyone, hurting younger siblings, being chutzpadik to me. I took away his nightly privilege of being able to play a game on my phone (and explained the reason why). He was furious. I took a break for a little while in my room and when I can down I saw he had set up a board came and wanted to play with me. I smiled and played , and did not bring up the bad feelings of a few hours ago. Instead we reset our relationship back onto a positive track.

The goal of parenting is to maintain a good relationship with your kids. Don't lose sight of that.

amother

Olive

Mon, Apr 19 2021, 7:30 pm

amother [ Seagreen ] wrote:

Thanks for your post, I appreciate it!

FranticFrummie

Mon, Apr 19 2021, 7:55 pm

amother [ Pearl ] wrote:

It is not bratty or entitled to be indecisive. Have you never changed your mind about a pair of shoes or an article of clothing?

It is if you're being a drama queen about it, and pitching a fit. Holding your parents as emotional hostages until you get your own way, refusing to budge. She might as well be holding her breath until she turns blue.

Giving in to manipulative tactics just perpetuates them.

amother

Mon, Apr 19 2021, 8:04 pm

amother [ Seagreen ] wrote:

Who doesn't occasionally threaten their child with consequences/ punishments?

amother

Mon, Apr 19 2021, 8:14 pm

I felt like giving you all an update. My daughter wore her cognac loafers to school today. She came home and described her classmates positive reactions to the shoes without any prompting on my part.Over the course of our subsequent conversation she asked me if she could use an initiative I hope to implement with my kids to encourage room cleanliness and shower routine as a way to earn the sneakers she wants. Of course I agreed. I feel satisfied with this solution and know that I did not give in to her "tantrum"/threat. For all of you who disagreed with my decision to make her earn them, I guess we each reserve the right to parent as we see fit. In this particular situation I felt this was a want, not a need and such this method is warranted. Thanks again everyone for your input. It definitely interesting to see the many different viewpoints of the mothers on this site.

ra_mom

Mon, Apr 19 2021, 8:21 pm

amother [ Olive ] wrote:

Which class was this? I honestly feel for you OP, I am dealing with a challenging preteen whose general attitude is really triggering.

A course by Blimie Heller. It changed my perspective on parenting. I was specifically looking for a course on connection. I knew all the tips and tricks. But wanted to learn how to de-personalize and be more empathetic as a parent. I saw her on Instagram 3 years ago and it seemed in line with what I was looking for. I especially appreciated that the course was short and not too expensive.