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Forum
-> Parenting our children
TravelHearter
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Sun, Apr 25 2021, 1:53 am
I want to hear from you all a thing or two that your parents did that really helped you become a good/healthy person etc. Specifically asking this way because I want to know things that actually worked/succeeded. Not something you’re now trying to do unless your kids are adults and you see it’s success firsthand. (If that makes sense).
Looking for some things to think about and focus on!
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amother
Slateblue
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Sun, Apr 25 2021, 2:23 am
Well, my father recently commented that he wasnt at all sure of his accomplishments as a parent, but at least he taught me to build IKEA furniture!
Practical skills can be taught more easy than personal development, and they're easier to measure. But they also lead to development of personal qualities, like (in this case) independence and practicality.
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TravelHearter
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Sun, Apr 25 2021, 2:30 am
I hear
I’m talking about chinuch type
I would say that people should post things they try to do but I want to know that it’s successful if that makes sense
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amother
White
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Sun, Apr 25 2021, 2:30 am
Nothing except getting me married to a good, healthy man bh.
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amother
Khaki
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Sun, Apr 25 2021, 2:30 am
Never disagreed with each other in front of us.
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amother
Turquoise
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Sun, Apr 25 2021, 2:32 am
Loved me. Unconditionally.
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Crookshanks
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Sun, Apr 25 2021, 2:34 am
My parents have amazing Shalom Bayis and that helped me and my siblings grow up feeling safe and secure in their love for each other and for us and in the stability of our house.
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Einikel
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Sun, Apr 25 2021, 2:39 am
Responsibility and accountability. My mother never wrote me note or called in with an excuse when I was late etc. I had to own up to it which is such an important skill in the real world.
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TravelHearter
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Sun, Apr 25 2021, 2:39 am
Crookshanks wrote: | My parents have amazing Shalom Bayis and that helped me and my siblings grow up feeling safe and secure in their love for each other and for us and in the stability of our house. |
Can I ask what made you know they loved each other? Were they affectionate in front of you (what circles are they), or was it something you just knew based on their mutual respect etc?
My parents are divorced so I wouldn’t know
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TravelHearter
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Sun, Apr 25 2021, 2:41 am
Einikel wrote: | Responsibility and accountability. My mother never wrote me note or called in with an excuse when I was late etc. I had to own up to it which is such an important skill in the real world. |
And you were happy with her doing that? Or mortified and upset?
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amother
Pewter
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Sun, Apr 25 2021, 2:45 am
My mother taught me to go to shul by always going herself.
She taught me the value of wisdom by always focusing on learning new things and praising when we did.
She taught me to solve problems for myself. She didn’t call my teachers if I was upset about something that happened. She told me to fight for myself. She taught me how to be self sufficient by first helping me get jobs and guiding me, then advising me what other types of jobs to get. She told me the importance of earning a living of your own so that you’re not wholly dependent on your spouse for anything.
I feel like I can do so many things and I’m not scared to try new things. I always inwardly felt that I was very capable and accomplished, and it drove me to become more so.
And when I was newly married and had a rocky relationship with my in-laws, she praised them over and over and showed me how to find the good in them, and saved me from what could have been a lot of ill will and misery for no reason. Instead, I adore them now and am very happy.
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Crookshanks
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Sun, Apr 25 2021, 2:45 am
TravelHearter wrote: | Can I ask what made you know they loved each other? Were they affectionate in front of you (what circles are they), or was it something you just knew based on their mutual respect etc?
My parents are divorced so I wouldn’t know |
My parents are yeshivish. I've never seen them touch each other affectionately or say I love you. It's more the way they respect each other and take care of each other, put each other first, the way they smile at each other. They constantly look out for each other. They never argue (at least in front of us;). They present a united front in front of their children and always back each other up.
The love that they feel towards each other is obvious to everyone who sees them even though they are careful not to show it. I can't explain it so well
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Einikel
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Sun, Apr 25 2021, 2:46 am
TravelHearter wrote: | And you were happy with her doing that? Or mortified and upset? |
I have no bad memories about it. I can’t imagine I was thrilled but guess what? My attendance was pretty good after I had to sit detention. I’m pretty sure I just got one detention throughout high school.
Also, my mother never made a big deal out if my marks. She always told me that as long as I tried my best that was what mattered. I was bh a good student and got good marks but not always the best that I was capable of. Her telling me this helped me think about whether I felt that was the best I can do and push myself to do better.
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TravelHearter
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Sun, Apr 25 2021, 2:47 am
Crookshanks wrote: | My parents are yeshivish. I've never seen them touch each other affectionately or say I love you. It's more the way they respect each other and take care of each other, put each other first, the way they smile at each other. They constantly look out for each other. They never argue (at least in front of us;). They present a united front in front of their children and always back each other up.
The love that they feel towards each other is obvious to everyone who sees them even though they are careful not to show it. I can't explain it so well |
IyH to us all!!
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amother
Oak
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Sun, Apr 25 2021, 2:56 am
My father always put money (cash) in such a flap folder for my mother to have for the day/week.
I never knew my parents financial status. We were never told no for money, rather, I'll discuss it with ta.
I very much think it's one of the reasons we didn't ask for much.
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TravelHearter
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Sun, Apr 25 2021, 3:02 am
[quote="amother [ Oak ]"]My father always put money (cash) in such a flap folder for my mother to have for the day/week.
Can I ask why this is something you specifically like that they did? Is it because it’s cash and not credit?
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amother
Ginger
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Sun, Apr 25 2021, 3:07 am
My usually controlling parents let me grow out my hair. I had long butt length hair all through high school and until my early 20's. I liked the look and it was my acceptable way of standing out. I think if they had made me cut it I would have gotten an eating disorder or something.
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amother
Oak
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Sun, Apr 25 2021, 3:10 am
[quote="TravelHearter"] amother [ Oak ] wrote: | My father always put money (cash) in such a flap folder for my mother to have for the day/week.
Can I ask why this is something you specifically like that they did? Is it because it’s cash and not credit? |
Oh we never owned a credit card (still doesn't). My parents are old school, but still, definitely a type
I liked it cause I saw it as him always having in mind my mother.. Cash on hand. Not calling him, okay, how much money can I take out? Where is the money you said you'll give me? Etc
ETA-ps, to this day I think cash on hand is an important thing, even with having credit cards. And I usually have. Though no, my husband doesn't prepare for me. Maybe one day.
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amother
Amethyst
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Sun, Apr 25 2021, 3:33 am
Learning to talk quietly even when upset. Ideal of course would be to stay graciously calm, & even have the ability to keep on responding positively, encouragingly, even humorously, despite childrens' misbehavior (the latter is something my husband is amazingly able to do, still not sure how his brain works even after 20 years!), but I feel the quiet discipline is far superior to the yelling & more-noticeably angered response..
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amother
Brunette
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Sun, Apr 25 2021, 3:57 am
My parents taught me yashrus, honesty and to be a mentsch. This was all taught by example. There was no bending the rules, no skewing reality to get what we wanted or needed. There was a lot of things we were allowed to do , although some were below the standards they would have liked. But we always knew there were lines we couldn’t cross because we were from Our Family and some things were pas nisht. I don’t even know how we knew this , we just did.
Also they never speak or gossip about other people and do unconditional chessed (we often had random weird guests) and all kinds of people were welcomed and loved.
PS They did argue in front of us, they did shout and occasionally smacked. And despite, (or maybe because of) that we’ve still all grown up and married and are emotionally healthy.
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