Heartbroken about my cousin's wedding party

amother

Sun, Apr 25 2021, 12:51 pm

This is my favorite cousin, we're super close. She was supposed to get married last year, for obvious reasons, it couldn't happen. In the end, they got married on the orginally scheduled date with only rabbi, parents, and siblings present. They decided they would have the big party they originally meant to have as soon as they felt safe to do so.

Well, they have announced the date, and it's during the 9 days 😭😭😭 They, and the vast majority of my extended family are not frum. Me and my parents and siblings are the only frum ones. There's really nothing to be done, there is no way around this. And she'll be understanding, we are close and she gets it. I just needed to this off my chest because I'm so miserable about not being able to come.

Elfrida

Sun, Apr 25 2021, 1:06 pm

You're right that you can't go, but could you record a message from your family and have it played at the event? Just to give you a presence.

If they are having a video made of the party, make a date to go round to her and spend the afternoon watching it together. She can tell you all about it, and you'll share that closeness.

And it's hard. There's nothing else to say. In this kind of situation someone I know always says, 'You never lose out by doing what's right.' It might not be what you want to do, but you know you're doing the right thing.

amother

Seagreen

Sun, Apr 25 2021, 1:07 pm

Can you mention to her what the problem with the date is? You never know, she might reconsider the date.

amother

Sun, Apr 25 2021, 1:20 pm

amother [ Seagreen ] wrote:

Can you mention to her what the problem with the date is? You never know, she might reconsider the date.

I highly doubt she can change it. The invitations went out already. The venue and all the vendors are booked. I really don't think there's anything to be done.

Fave

Sun, Apr 25 2021, 1:27 pm

It’s not the actual wedding - so there’s no issue of them getting married in the nine days. Maybe have your husband discreetly make a siyum at the event, and your immediate family will be celebrating the Siyum at the event.

ask a rav.

chanchy123

Sun, Apr 25 2021, 1:47 pm

Fave wrote:

This is a great idea. You might be able to even sell it tactfully you the bride and groom, learning a Torah portion in honor of the couple’s life together to give some Judaic content to the event - just because you said that they had a traditional Jewish wedding they might want to add content to the party. You can have the entire family participate.

Elfrida

Sun, Apr 25 2021, 1:53 pm

chanchy123 wrote:

It might be ok, but you also have to consider the issue of ma'arat ayin in that kind of situation. At the most it would likely be make the siyum and leave.

Any event with live music and dancing during the Nine Days sounds a very uncomfortable situation. I wouldn't look for excuses to be there.

amother

Sun, Apr 25 2021, 3:35 pm

I can talk to the Rav to see if there's a solution available but I doubt it. The siyum thing is for eating meat, I don't think it allows for music and dancing (not that I'd be participating in the dancing regardless). Also, this party is on 6 Av, which I believe is too close for even the siyum loophole. I guess it's still worth asking.

Elfrida

Sun, Apr 25 2021, 3:47 pm

Tisha b'Av is on Sunday this year, so there is no שבוע שחל בו. But I agree with you that it would be pushing the limits of halacha.

fmt4

Sun, Apr 25 2021, 3:51 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

I asked my rabbi about going to a (non frum) Birthday party during the nine days and he said it’s fine. A wedding could be different, but you never know. Tell him that it’s very important to you.