How to not be emotionally absent

amother

Mon, Apr 26 2021, 2:07 am

I'm not sure what answers you guys can provide that I can't, unless the answer is a somatic kind of therapy.

I'm aware of attachment. I'm the one who recommends "the Emotionally Absent Mother". I cosleep, nurse and do skin to skin.

But I know I'm not present with my babies. I force myself to coo at them. I was thinking my 3 month wasn't making eye contact and then I remembered telling the same thing to my pediatrician for my other kid, at the same age. He asked if I look into my baby's eyes and I said no, I'm on my phone while nursing.

I tell myself it's bc I don't have time with other little kids, to play with and coo at this newborn, but really I just can't be bothered to.

Help, I'm a terrible mother. I wasn't made to ever be one though I do a good enough job raising them by just doing, if not feeling, all the right things. (They all prefer my husband. They wake up crying in middle of the night for him, not me.)

I think I need more help than I can provide myself with.

amother

Jetblack

Mon, Apr 26 2021, 6:18 am

This is very interesting. I don’t cosleep, nurse or do skin to skin. Formula and sleeping out of my room is what we do. But I am Emotionally present to and for them. Coos, snuggles, kissses, made up songs: the whole thing Maybe it because I’m less sleep deprived? Or less burnt out?

amother

Jetblack

Mon, Apr 26 2021, 6:19 am

amother

Pearl

Mon, Apr 26 2021, 6:32 am

There are few things what comes up to my mind:

- Totally overwhelmed and burnt out because you have many children and you are nonstop busy with cooking, cleaning, dressing, making things ready for yontif and shabbos that you are probably totally stressed out.

- Find it hard to find the rest within yourself to relax with a little baby, and doing cute and talking to a baby, etc.

- some women are not baby people. I like babies but I know some don't and like toddlers...

-Make your self time to feel, to sit and relax and everyhting talk with someone talk here vent here you are a mother. Your children need to have a mental healthy mother not a stressed out one.

amother

Mon, Apr 26 2021, 8:16 am

amother [ Jetblack ] wrote:

I'm not sleep deprived or burnt out (cosleeping is easier once I'm nursing) I do those things for the oxytocin but it still doesn't make me a baby person or fall in love with my babies.

amother

Jetblack

Mon, Apr 26 2021, 8:19 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

I'm not sleep deprived or burnt out (cosleeping is easier once I'm nursing) I do those things for the oxytocin but it still doesn't make me a baby person or fall in love with my babies.

Do you ‘fall in love’ with them when their older? Are you just not a baby person?

amother

Mon, Apr 26 2021, 8:23 am

amother [ Silver ] wrote:

Did you have emotionally present parents?

If you didnt have it as a child you will find it really hard to be able to do it for your kids.

Thats my experience that I'm working on at the moment....

Nope. Zero affection or closeness. And no emotional regulation so lots of blowing up and yelling and drama.
The q is how to work on it.

amother

Mon, Apr 26 2021, 8:25 am

amother [ Jetblack ] wrote:

Do you ‘fall in love’ with them when their older? Are you just not a baby person?

I think so but if you ask me what my kids are like, I don't really know. (oldest is in preschool so I have time) And honestly they all like tatty better. I feel like they're at a distant in my heart. Like anyone else in the world even my husband but shouldn't I be in love with them...

amother

Peach

Mon, Apr 26 2021, 8:32 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

Someone understands me. Yes my kids go to DH in the night. I try to be present but I feel pulled away sometimes. I sing with them but I have no patience to play with them. Interestingly whoever interacts with my kids such as teachers and neighbors all compliment me on how well brought up they are.

FranticFrummie

Mon, Apr 26 2021, 8:32 am

Do you have trouble making eye contact with people in general? You might be very sensory, and find all of this physically overwhelming. Too much stimulus.

Before you got married, how did you feel about becoming a mother? I know that in the frum world, many women get married because they are "supposed to", and they have kids "because that's what women do." The societal pressure is crushing.

I think it's horribly unfair that women are not presented with any other valid options on how to be a woman, besides marriage and babies. Women have a lot to offer the frum world on our own, and we have no halachic obligation to marry or reproduce - especially if we feel we are not wired for it!

amother

Mon, Apr 26 2021, 8:33 am

Zehava wrote:

Are you emotionally present with yourself or do you dissociate a lot?

I'm not sure. Probably dissociate though I'd have to look this up. Can you provide examples?

My kids are very well raised. I do all the parenting things right. I'm an amazing parent, by the book.

I never wanted to be a mother. I cried and swore at the first positive pregnancy test.

amother

Mon, Apr 26 2021, 8:36 am

amother [ Orchid ] wrote:

I would say to o to therapy, specifically something like emdr to address and process the feelings of emotional neglect that you felt as a child. I found that emdr opened me up emotionally like no other modality did.

I went to talk therapy after one birth, during which my mother was spectacularly and specifically unavailable (made herself unavailable) but it didn't accomplish anything. I even told the therapist that I'm not interested in rehashing the relationship, I need to move on in life. I'd be willing to try emdr or anything else that "gets it".

amother

Orchid

Mon, Apr 26 2021, 8:38 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

I did not find emdr to rehash things at all. But if u do go this direction please please make sure to go to someone really qualified. A really well trained therapist who does emdr will not have u rehash things if I don’t want to

Zehava

Mon, Apr 26 2021, 8:38 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

I’m so so sorry. No mother should be forced into being a parent and no child should be born when they aren’t wanted. I hope you won’t continue to force yourself to have children you don’t want.
Dissociation is when your body is present but your mind isn’t. When you’re not present in your body. It feels different for different people.

FranticFrummie

Mon, Apr 26 2021, 8:46 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

I am sure you are doing everything right. At this age your kids probably don't even realize that there is a difference. When they get older and more needy it will be more of an issue, though.

How did you get talking into getting married, if you never wanted to have kids? Did you tell this to DH before you got engaged? Had you convinced yourself that you would feel differently once you got married?

Disassociating is kind of like daydreaming, but instead of thinking you just sort of go blank. It's your brain's way of protecting you from unpleasant and distressing situations. It can happen again when you get reminded of something unpleasant in your past, to keep you from remembering it. Odd little details can trigger it when you least expect it.

amother

Mon, Apr 26 2021, 9:37 am

FranticFrummie wrote:

I didn't really want to get married, though like everything else, my mother gave me no choice,claiming I can't make up my mind in life. By the grace of Gd I married my soul mate bc at least I was astute enough to not pick the wrong guy but it was a very long adjustment period. Like two years long. I told my mother once that she forced me into marriage (she missed the point but to her credit she did immediately offer the option of divorce, this was pre kids)

To dh I said that I'm not a balabusta and will never be a sahm and that was as much as I could articulate it even in my own head.

amother

Jade

Mon, Apr 26 2021, 9:52 am

amother [ Silver ] wrote:

Did you have emotionally present parents?

If you didnt have it as a child you will find it really hard to be able to do it for your kids.

Thats my experience that I'm working on at the moment....

This.