When is the norm for a mother-in-law to come visit after giv

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amother

Lime

Thu, Apr 29 2021, 1:23 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

So when I spoke to my mother-in-law on the phone I did say ask her when she's coming she said when she has the time.
I guess I was just feeling hurt since there's certain people in the family that she runs the day they give birth and she took 6 weeks to visit my baby and came so late at night.
I was just thinking about it today, since she asked my husband one more making a kiddush for the baby, and we said in the next few weeks. She started telling us why she probably won't come and how we should make a very small thing so she doesn't have to come. I'm actually planning a very big kiddush. (Only because I happen to really enjoy party planning, so this ends up being my creative outlet, and I love to host)

I can hear about the part of her not coming in after the birth but to not be able to make a big kiddush cuz she doesn't want to come? that hurts! Im sorry for you but maybe I should be feeling more sorry for MIL

Ema of 5

Thu, Apr 29 2021, 1:25 pm

I have 4 kids, my mother in law has never come to visit me after.

tichellady

Thu, Apr 29 2021, 2:04 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

They play favorites a lot and I try not to have it bother me. Like we will ask to come for yom tov and be told no but then they get annoyed when we don't come. I have invited them many times but they have only come for shabbos twice. Once cuz they were going somewhere sunday and I am closer and once cuz we made a shalom zachor. They have never come when I invited them.
I try not to have it bother me but I find it strange. I am just really upset that she told DH not to make a big kiddush so she wont have to come. I feel.its not their business. If they don't want to come then don't but don't tell me what kind of simcha to make.

Hugs that sounds very hard and unfair

Ema of 5

Thu, Apr 29 2021, 2:53 pm

Ema of 4 wrote:

I have 4 kids, my mother in law has never come to visit me after.

Why the hug? I’m not hurt or offended by it at all. My mother in law has a job, and when I had my first 3 kids she still had an unmarried child at home. She has a life outside of me. If we lived in the same city maybe I’d be hurt and offended.

amother

Green

Thu, Apr 29 2021, 3:03 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

I'm just curious to hear from other people. My baby is 2 1/2 months old now. My in-laws live an hour away, but they couldn't find time to visit till she was 6 weeks old. I was a bit hurt, that they didn't care to come earlier to see her and visit. By the time they came, I was already back at work. They also made sure to come after shabbos at 10:30 at night so I have to keep on my kids up to see their grandparents, since they don't see them so often. I'm just curious when the norm is for a mother-in-law to come visit after a baby is born.
For the record, I'm the type that feels really good after having a baby and I crave visitors since I'm so bored.
She did call me 12 hours after the baby was born to say mazel tov, which I found a little off as well.

Eta. They both don't work, and my father-in-law drives. They also managed to go to some people in the family all the time.

Let me help you rephrase it the way it should have been written.

I'm just curious to hear from other people. My baby is 2 1/2 months old now. My in-laws live an hour away, and they didn't come to visit till she was 6 weeks old. I was a bit hurt that it took so long for them to come and visit, and it made me feel like they don't really care about me, and that hurts my feelings.

By the time they came, I was already back at work, and that was really frustrating. They also only came after shabbos at 10:30 at night, which made me feel like I have to keep on my kids up to see their grandparents, since they don't see them so often. I'm just curious when everyone else's in-laws came to visit after they had a baby. Maybe it will make me feel less alone and unloved.
For the record, I'm the type that feels really good after having a baby, and I crave visitors since I'm so bored. I realize that's not a good reason to be mad at people but it does make it harder for me to accept that they're not always available to come earlier.
She did call me 12 hours after the baby was born to say mazel tov, which was kind of odd for me, since I'm not used to people calling less than a day after the birth.

Eta. They both don't work, and my father-in-law drives. They did visit some other people in the family more often, which just adds to my hurt.

amother

Thu, Apr 29 2021, 3:04 pm

amother [ Green ] wrote:

Why are you rewriting my post?

amother

Green

Thu, Apr 29 2021, 3:07 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

Why are you rewriting my post?

Because it is full of your own assumptions as to the reasons for their behavior and blame for them not living up to your standards.

Is this about expressing your feelings or telling imamother how awful they are?

amother

Green

Thu, Apr 29 2021, 3:08 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

Have you ever had an open discussion with them as to why this is and how it makes you feel?

Chayalle

Thu, Apr 29 2021, 3:10 pm

amother [ Seafoam ] wrote:

As a mother in law, I wait until my son tells me I can come. Then he tells me what I should bring in terms of what food dil and him want. Spoils my spontaneity but stops me from infringing on their space.
Other dil welcomes me whenever and I let her know when I am coming. I bring baby clothes and her favorite foods. This is the difference between good and medium good middos. That's my opinion.

Umm.....needing a little space, especially post-partum, is not necessarily a lack of good middos. Sorry if that spoils your spontaneity.

amother

Lime

Thu, Apr 29 2021, 3:15 pm

amother [ Seafoam ] wrote:

don't forget that its the dils your going to its not the daughters! please don't judge them at the post partum stage on their middos

amother

Thu, Apr 29 2021, 3:28 pm

amother [ Green ] wrote:

I don't believe I told anyone how awful they are. If you don't like the way I write please don't respond to my posts. I think it takes a real nerve to decide what I want out of my post.
And this has nothing to do with my standards versus their standards actually.
I'm sorry if you don't like how I write. Its chutzpah to rephrase a post the way YOU decide.

amother

Khaki

Thu, Apr 29 2021, 3:49 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

Exactly. Amother Green, looks like you got triggered and feel attacked. Are you a Mil?

You are out of line.

amother

Green

Thu, Apr 29 2021, 3:58 pm

amother [ Khaki ] wrote:

Exactly. Amother Green, looks like you got triggered and feel attacked. Are you a Mil?

You are out of line.

My eldest is in elementary school. I am definitely NOT an MIL.

But that was a nice shot at de-legitimizing my post.

amother

Lime

Thu, Apr 29 2021, 4:01 pm

amother [ Green ] wrote:

My eldest is in elementary school. I am definitely NOT an MIL.

But that was a nice shot at de-legitimizing my post.

was de-ligit as you put it even before we said anything. even if whe wanted to say how awful her ils are shes justified thank you

amother

Green

Thu, Apr 29 2021, 4:03 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

Hmmm. So your post was in fact an anonymous bash at your ILs?

And I guess I shouldn't be using higher-order thinking skills for such dilemmas. Hmmm. Okay.

amother

Green

Thu, Apr 29 2021, 4:05 pm

amother [ Lime ] wrote:

was de-ligit as you put it even before we said anything. even if whe wanted to say how awful her ils are shes justified thank you

I guess, but then it should've been labeled as such - "why are my ILs so awful" - instead of as wanting to know how other people's ILs are and what is normal.

amother

Khaki

Thu, Apr 29 2021, 4:05 pm

amother [ Green ] wrote:

Hmmm. So your post was in fact an anonymous bash at your ILs?

And I guess I shouldn't be using higher-order thinking skills for such dilemmas. Hmmm. Okay.

OP did not come across as bashing. It was about her hurt feelings.

amother

Lime

Thu, Apr 29 2021, 4:06 pm

amother [ Green ] wrote:

Hmmm. So your post was in fact an anonymous bash at your ILs?

And I guess I shouldn't be using higher-order thinking skills for such dilemmas. Hmmm. Okay.

hey OP I'm afraid she's your MIL Smile

amother

Green

Thu, Apr 29 2021, 4:07 pm

amother [ Khaki ] wrote:

OP did not come across as bashing. It was about her hurt feelings.

If it is about my feelings, it starts with "I" and talks about how "I" feel. Not about how "they" manage or don't manage their time, care or don't care about me. Talking about "them" means discussing "them" as people, by interpreting "their" actions.

Talking about "me" and "my feelings" is something else entirely.

I'm curious, all the people defending how OP phrased it and mad at me for rephrasing, is this how you argue with your husbands also? How's that working for you?

amother

Khaki

Thu, Apr 29 2021, 4:07 pm

amother [ Green ] wrote:

I guess, but then it should've been labeled as such - "why are my ILs so awful" - instead of as wanting to know how other people's ILs are and what is normal.

You are probably projection from your own life circumstances.

OP didn't label the thread your way because she didn't want to. She wasn't asking that question. You can open your own thread and phrase these questions and titles the way you'd like.

This is her thread. Don't tell her how she should have could have dint things.

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