When is the norm for a mother-in-law to come visit after giv

amother

Aquamarine

Sun, May 02 2021, 1:27 am

Op still didn’t bother answering my question why she isn’t going to visit her in laws if she wants them to see the baby at this point.
Is this becoming a game of who will make the first move and you don’t really care if they get to see the baby or not?
My mil would never invite herself to a dil’s house and wait patiently until they extend an invitation.

amother

Seashell

Sun, May 02 2021, 5:07 am

I'd like to be notified and arrive as soon as the baby is born or as close as possible. I get not wanting me in the hospital as she is delivering (though I would absolutely love that if my daughters feel comfortable.)
Instead, I was told not to come until her mother, who lives nearby, has finished her time off from work. So I had to wait a few weeks to be "allowed" to come. It's possible if I was not as accepting of their decision that they would have let me come earlier but I didn't want bad feelings. But I was disappointed.
It was a girl and I wonder if they'll do the same in the case of a bris for a boy.

DVOM

Sun, May 02 2021, 7:18 am

My in-laws live in another country. They've met my kids once in the 13 years of our marriage, when we traveled to visit them 6 years ago.

On the other end of the spectrum, my sister has her mother-in-law camped out in the waiting room of the hospital with a tehillim from the second she goes into labor. No matter how long it takes, and it's taken close to 30 hours in the case of one of her kids, her mom-in-law sticks around for the whole thing.

I'm not sure what my point is. I'm very tired!

I guess it's this: there's a huge variety of 'normal' responses to a daughter-in-law having a baby. Some mothers-in-law want to be around a lot, some don't. Some daughters-in-law want their in-laws around, some don't.

What's hurtful here is your dashed hopes, and the differences you've noticed in how your treated vs. how your in-laws blood daughters are treated.

Some clear communication might help. "Mom, please come visit! The days get long alone with the baby and I'd love company. Can you come one afternoon this week and stay for supper, when the big kids get home? It would be so nice for all of us to see you!" Then again, it might not help; even with a clear and loving request, she may say no.

amother

Khaki

Sun, May 02 2021, 7:22 am

DVOM wrote:

If it bothers her, there is a simple solution. Just don't inform her when labour starts.

DVOM

Sun, May 02 2021, 7:25 am

amother [ Khaki ] wrote:

If it bothers her, there is a simple solution. Just don't inform her when labour starts.

I never said she was bothered. I never said I was bothered. I was just pointing out the huge variety of responses to a daughter-in-law having a baby.

There is no true, one 'normal'.

amother

Sun, May 02 2021, 7:29 am

amother [ Aquamarine ] wrote:

As I said they came when the baby was 6 weeks old. I didn't go for a few reasons.
1. I didnt really take maternity leave and was working from home the whole time.
2. They make it difficult to come, its never ever a good time and she was born 2 weeks before purim and they dont like people (or at least us..lol) between putim and pesach.
3. Went away pesach.
They dont come even when I invite. As I said they lile certain kids better thab others. (Like they take some couples away a few times a year. Etc. We only find out after the fact. They once took away 2 couples the same week another child was making a shalom zachor. They didn't want to go and decided Thursday night to go away instead. I was very upset about that. I had invited them to.stay by me for it since I live closest instead they went away for the weekend... dh was the only one out of over a dozen siblings who went to the simcha)

amother

Sun, May 02 2021, 7:31 am

amother [ Olive ] wrote:

sorry OP
its really tough and painful! just dont have expectations for them ever and youl never be dissappointed.

maybe this can help cheer u up- id like to plan a kiddush for my baby too! you mentioned youre creative and love party planning. do u have any ideas that you could share?? Smile

Would love to share my ideas! What do u plan on doing?

amother

cornflower

Sun, May 02 2021, 7:38 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

This changes the picture a little, since it seems it's not only you who they aren't showing favouritism towards. Seems to be some dysfunction in the entire family dynamic. (Like how come those two other couples didn't feel bad going away with them, when another sibling was making a simcha?) Not that it makes it easier, but seems there isn't anything that can be done to change it. Hugs.

DVOM

Sun, May 02 2021, 8:35 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

The blatant favoritism and insensitivity sounds awful.

I'd try some radical acceptance: I don't like this, but it's not in my power to change. I am not going to use up any more of my emotional energy wishing away reality. My in-laws are who they are. I accept that I won't be treated with sensitivity or consideration. I'm choosing to move on.

amother

Sun, May 02 2021, 8:59 am

DVOM wrote:

I usually do that and choose not to get bothered. The kiddush comment just really stings.