For those that have sat Shivah

amother

Fuchsia

Tue, May 04 2021, 12:13 pm

FranticFrummie wrote:

Yes to all the above.

Find out who is the point person to coordinate everything. If the shiva house is crowded, you can leave a note with your name and phone number, and what you are capable of doing to help. If it's meals after 2 weeks, or taking care of little ones, that's great. If the niftar had a favorite charity, you can make a donation in their name, and leave a note saying such.

Something that people often forget, is the older kids. They are just as in need of help as the toddlers are. If you can take elementary kids to the park for the afternoon, or teens out for pizza, it will give them the emotional break they need to get through this.

Only discuss the shiva if they bring it up first - the point is to allow them time to process things, and sometimes a distraction is the best medicine.

Whatever you do, do NOT say anything about how "sad and tragic" the situation is. The mourners know that already. Focus all of your energy on happy memories, and if can't think of any at the moment, just sit and listen quietly.

Excellent ideas. I once took a child to the library. He needed a break, and its what he wanted to do.

Otherwise play it by ear. Some aveilim are chatty and want to talk. Some want to be distracted by talking about extraneous things. Others don't. See what THEY want.

Also try to go at off hours. When I sat for my mother, everyone came at night. If you're available at 11 am, a shiva call might be welcome,

amother

Black

Tue, May 04 2021, 3:28 pm

This was suggested in an email that was sent out to my community- related to people sitting Shiva for those that passed in Meron who have family here in the US: (very well written) but these guidelines can be used for any Shiva House.

Fyi-I was given permission to share.
The asterisks I put in replace name(s) of the family.

GUIDANCE FOR SHIVA VISITORS

I. Show Up
Every person that comes to the shiva home, be it from near or far, is a nechama for the family. To feel the love and embrace of the Jewish community at a time of extreme pain and suffering is unbelievably powerful, and the *** family will remember the impact of that support forever.

II. Silence is not Awkward
In light of a tragedy of this magnitude, particularly such a sudden one, it is entirely possible that the ****** family would prefer to just sit in silence. In most instances, your mere presence at the shiva and the effort you put into being there offers more nechama than any words can impart. The silence may feel uncomfortable to you, but the somberness it conveys is often more appropriate, and therefore comforting for the avel. [Also, don’t feel pressure to stay a long time. A short visit is often very appropriate. Similarly, it is important to be sensitive to the “off hours” and allow the family to rest.]

III. Refrain from using Platitudes
Although it is often tempting to resort to platitudes – things like, “Hashem has his reasons even though it’s hard to see them,” “He only gives challenges to people who can handle them,” “Time will heal,” and many others – they can often come across as dismissive or condescending, especially when the pain is as raw as it will be during shiva.

IV. Avoid Intrusive Questions
It may seem obvious to some, but do not ask about the night in Meron. Any questions regarding that night are intrusive and inappropriate, and will likely be extremely unsettling to the family. This cannot be overstated. Let the family share however much or however little they would like.

V. Share Stories
If you have had personal interactions with ***, share those stories with the family. These can often be very meaningful and appreciated. If you were friends with ********, make sure to sit with the parents and let them see and hear from the people with whom he/she connected and upon whom he/she left an impression. However, even if you determine it is more appropriate to remain silent (see point II and VII), your presence is important and valuable.

VI. Send an Email (Don’t Call)
Many people who had a relationship with *** will be unable to make it to the shiva. Additionally, many people who did make it to shiva may read the room and sense it is not a good time to recount their personal relationships with ***. An email during or after shiva can often be just as meaningful, if not more so, than a visit. Reflections on the bonds you shared with their ***** can be reread and kept by the family for many, many years. On the other hand, phone calls can be very impractical during what will likely be an already overwhelming shiva, and should therefore be avoided whenever possible.

VII. Let the Mourners Guide the Conversation
Some members of the family may want to talk about topics besides ******. Let them dictate the conversation. You should not feel the need to keep them focused on any particular mood or talking points. As the halacha dictates, a person visiting a shiva should wait to be spoken to before speaking. Follow the lead of the avel and mirror the emotions, tone, and conversation they set forth.

Showing up during shiva is of great value, but don’t forget that the pain of the family lasts well beyond seven days. As the ***** family returns to their daily routines, it is important to maintain a delicate balance between treating them normally while remaining sensitive to the pain, mourning, and loss that will endure beneath the surface. If you are a good friend of one of the family members, continue to give them space to talk about their feelings and loss without making them feel obligated to do so on your schedule.

amother

Coral

Tue, May 04 2021, 7:02 pm

amother [ Black ] wrote:

.

VII. Let the Mourners Guide the Conversation
Some members of the family may want to talk about topics besides ******. Let them dictate the conversation. You should not feel the need to keep them focused on any particular mood or talking points. As the halacha dictates, a person visiting a shiva should wait to be spoken to before speaking. Follow the lead of the avel and mirror the emotions, tone, and conversation they set forth.
.

Wow, did this resonate with me!!
When I sat shiva for my father, I was talking and hearing about him non stop from 9 in the morning until 9-10 at night. Day after day.
Sometimes, I wanted to talk about him, and I wanted to hear about him.
But the truth is, there were times when I was absolutely exhausted emotionally, and I just needed a conversation break, away from the heavy, away from the tragic, just wanted to focus on something a bit more mundane for a little.
But there were these people who wouldnt have it. If I commented on how delicious the potato kugel I was eating was was, and asked for the recipe, and then uh oh, shared a secret tip I learned how to keep the potatos from browning...nope, that was not "allowed". Several women would immediately steer the conversation back to my father. Always, always, they would change the topic to go back to discussing the niftar!.

And you know what? My Rav clarified after that this was wrong. They should not have done that. They should have been quiet until spoken to, and then should have followed the conversation the way I steered it.

"Menachem avel" does not translate into "talking about the niftar". It actually translates into "consoling the mourner".

If the mourner wishes to find consolation in talking about the niftar, then that is what you do.

But if the mourner is finding consolation in talking about potato kugel, then that is what you do.