Bydm (drav meir) alumni

amother

Powderblue

Mon, May 10 2021, 11:12 pm

amother [ Green ] wrote:

Not sure I belong on this thread bec I'm not a BYDM alumnae, but I find it funny that you guys are only now realizing how intense it was. It's literally the thing that every person in Brooklyn knows about that school. I remember my HS days, the bydm girls had such a pressure for getting good grades. It was like a busha if you didn't get the top 2 marks in the class. It seemed so over the top.
(But at the same time, they did love the school!)
When I was looking into HS for my DD recently, when asking about bydm all you hear about is how intense, and pressurizing it is.

Lol! I didn’t give into the academic pressure.. I didn’t care to just be average. But that’s def not the norm! I have very fond memories of hs.. just having a great time! I also think we had one of the best grades, we all got along, no politics etc. Other 05ers correct me if I’m wrong!)

amother

Mon, May 10 2021, 11:35 pm

amother [ Powderblue ] wrote:

We did have a nice class... For me thinking back, I have a harder time with the intensity of the hashkafa and some of the elitism.. I was also average regarding grades, and that was ok.. I feel the pressure was more to live up to this drav Meir girl box...

amother

Cyan

Tue, May 11 2021, 1:43 pm

amother [ Indigo ] wrote:

My daughter is in 8th gr there now and continuing on to the hs. You are kinda making me Nervous!!!
She is excellent math and good in secular studies but not gr8 at hebrew..hope it wont be too intense for her!!

My daughter is in 9th and very happy. She gets mostly good grades, sometimes ok ones.
I’m fine with it. The main thing by me is that she enjoys her time, does her best, learns good midos and skills for later in life.
There are some great teachers and many activities to foster friendships.

amother

Emerald

Tue, May 11 2021, 4:34 pm

I'm class of 12. My memories are a totally screwed up system that seemed to have a huge disconnect from where the girls were actually at. I mean crying over top buttons being open while we were online watching prn is kind of a recipe for disconnect. When one girl asked about shmiras einayim with movies by an open questions thing, The Rebetzin Herzka shut down the question saying that it is not relevant to any of her girls.
I remember feeling like many teachers had no idea who they were talking to, and they equated school rules with halacha which was confusing.
1/10 would not repeat.

TMI

amother

Floralwhite

Tue, May 11 2021, 4:38 pm

amother [ Emerald ] wrote:

Whoa.
I don’t think that’s representative of most of the student body, at all.

amother

Emerald

Tue, May 11 2021, 4:48 pm

amother [ Floralwhite ] wrote:

Whoa.
I don’t think that’s representative of most of the student body, at all.

Deff not representative of the majority, but many of my friends felt like this. Not all to the extent I described, but to a degree. Also, I think that the further back in time you go, the less girls felt that way, since they really were in a different place. Can't compare 05 to 13, ya know? The student body and their hashkafos and religious standing changed to a huge extent every few years, while the staff was still in the 90s.

As a therapist once told me, "I have never met Rebetzin XXX, but she sat in my room through her girls many many times".

cnc

Tue, May 11 2021, 4:52 pm

amother [ Green ] wrote:

This!!! In fact, when I was offered a position there , I knew enough from my friends that graduated there that I would not be comfortable in that environment.

That said, I know many people that loved it.

amother

Floralwhite

Tue, May 11 2021, 5:26 pm

amother [ Emerald ] wrote:

Deff not representative of the majority, but many of my friends felt like this. Not all to the extent I described, but to a degree. Also, I think that the further back in time you go, the less girls felt that way, since they really were in a different place. Can't compare 05 to 13, ya know? The student body and their hashkafos and religious standing changed to a huge extent every few years, while the staff was still in the 90s.

As a therapist once told me, "I have never met Rebetzin Herzka, but she sat in my room through her girls many many times".

Can I suggest editing your post for Lashon Hara? No need to discuss a specific person here. Though I will say that presumably, the hundreds of girls who were nurtured and molded by her did not sit in your therapist's room. It seems like the school wasn't a right fit for you. Just wondering, were you up front about where you were at when you were accepted to the school? Or did you sign all the statements about internet usage, etc., and pretend to be complicit, and then complain that they're out of touch? They're very clear about their rules and standards.

amother

Lemon

Tue, May 11 2021, 7:14 pm

I'm the one from 15. For the right girls the school was gr8, I was one of those! But for the girls looking to rebel, this definitely pushed them even further. The hanhala had a hard time getting along with the times and believing their students did certain things. But they are all so nice and have really well meaning intentions. Abt the pressure. Tell the girls there now to just have fun and work on themselves without making themselves crazy about the work!

amother

Tue, May 11 2021, 7:40 pm

I’ll say this. And it applies to most high schools. High school is a bubble and alternate reality. Many of the people who teach and have high involvement in high schools seem to be stuck in that bubble.. back in 05 there wasn’t much of a rebellious crowd at all. But I do feel the standard to which we were held was unrealistic and served to foster a degree of guilt and uncertainty when out in the real world and out of the bubble and attempting to establish themselves. Your identity in hs is not who u really are. I have spoken to many alumni who may have been a seemingly great fit in high school, who see things differently in hindsight.

amother

Powderblue

Tue, May 11 2021, 8:21 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

05 from earlier post. Totalllyyy agree. The guilt that if you are not xyz was def there. And kollel agenda etc. Only realized everything once I came out of the bubble abd was able to figure out my true self and realize hey I was told this but I don’t think I agree. Etc.
And the person who wrote the therapist comment I laughed but I can totally see it. I def have some sort of chip on my shoulder in regards to things and my husband is like you had a messed up bais yakov upbringing because it was not taught to us in a form of beauty rather don’t do this don’t do that. Again this is me remembering things from 15 years ago but when I think of the world high school I def thing of good memories and having fun. But I’m sure the school has changed drastically. We had no technology in our days which prob plays a big role

amother

Tue, May 11 2021, 8:28 pm

amother [ Powderblue ] wrote:

Yes to all of this😁

amother

Emerald

Wed, May 12 2021, 6:59 am

amother [ Floralwhite ] wrote:

It seems like the school wasn't a right fit for you. Just wondering, were you up front about where you were at when you were accepted to the school? Or did you sign all the statements about internet usage, etc., and pretend to be complicit, and then complain that they're out of touch? They're very clear about their rules and standards.

I was just like the typical girl when I arrived. My friends were too. The staff is mostly difficult to have a real connection with unless you are the to girls. The time is not devoted to those struggling. The most "inspiring teachers" are the ones who promote a culture of fear through their speeches. It's all the stories of this one who said LH and didn't get married, that one who was not tzanua and lost her parnasa, etc.

I don't think I represent everyone, but I do believe I retirement a large enough group to make this a real issue. I don't think this is survive to drav meir, rather this is endemic to any school system where the staff does not actively try to keep up. Rules or no rules, you have to deal with your girls. At least 1 out of 3 girls in my grade were watching movies, listening to non Jewish music, etc. The fact that staff doesn't even realize it's a huge problem. I'm not hating on the school, I'm venting about the frustration of a system overall that is a bit dated.

The culture of fear some Judaism also is an issue. To me it seems that the teachers simply don't have a better way to express the Torah and halacha. But at the end of the day this makes it much more difficult to understand and enjoy Torah and mitzvos. The first time I heard about halacha without all the terrifying gehenim stuff was by kallah classes, cuz I guess they know that they'll lose too many girls if it's not sweet and beautiful.

amother

Aquamarine

Wed, May 12 2021, 10:20 am

I am a BYDM grad and have daughters in the HS. There is pressure, but they have fun too. One of my girls had a harder time with the pressure, but she has a more intense personality. My other daughter loved it from the word go, and talks about how much fun it is, go figure.
They both have a kesher bH with different teachers. It’s a mixed bag, and nothing is perfect. For the right girl it is an excellent school.
Fwiw, I think lots of us need therapy for lots of things people said to us/our experiences during our HS years. Chinuch is difficult, and a huge achrayus. I have no doubt that the hanhala really cares about the girls. And I hope beH that my daughters feel the same way.

amother

Wed, May 12 2021, 7:11 pm

amother [ Emerald ] wrote:

As one of my classmates 😁said earlier.. we didn’t have technology back in 05, but I’m sad to hear that there hasn’t been adaptations to the times and challenges of today’s teens. Sad but not surprised... I can def imagine a question about movies being shut down lol. Then again I do watch movies now, but I def did not in high school.. I can see being frustrated at those topics not being addressed when it was prevalent among the girls. There def a culture of “us? Our girls?! No way” and that was kind of what I meant by feeling a sense of guilt and uncertainty after high school.

amother

Floralwhite

Wed, May 12 2021, 7:25 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

I had family in the school in very recent years. There were definitely open discussions about media, technology, etc. Yes they definitely prefer to talk “up” to the girls instead of down. But to paint them as out of touch, gehennom minded old teachers is just wrong.