Teen's bad attitude

amother

Mon, May 10 2021, 7:22 pm

How do I cut through my teen daughter's negative attitude towards everything and anything? Nothing is good enough. She hates school. She wants to stay home and do nothing all day except fun.

For hours a day I listen and validate her. She can't seem to drop the attitude that everything is just bad for her. It's wearing me down. I try to be positive and keep home stress-free and light but she just wants to kvetch and bicker with siblings.

I feel like the worst mother. Why isn't my child happy when she goes to a good school, has lots of friends, gets straight As, comes home to a stable home environment with all the things she enjoys. What am I doing wrong?

amother

Mon, May 10 2021, 7:49 pm

imasinger wrote:

Hugs, part of it is just the age.

But there may be some practical suggestions as well.

When you say you spend hours validating her, what are each of you saying? And how long is it if you think really accurately? (I'm not at all saying you're not spending sufficient time, I'm just asking how much time it takes).

You're right, I exaggerated. Smile

Not hours a day but it's an ongoing conversation, morning, afternoon, and evening.
Usually she tells me who in her class said what and how she reacted and what she thinks about it and what happened next and who changed friends on who and why. I sometimes repeat back to her parts of what she said in question form to make her think about that part. I try to label the emotions I'm picking up on to make her aware of which feelings are being expressed. It's exhausting but I keep at it. Then from there it goes on to dozens of reasons why she hates her teachers and why school is so dumb and she wishes there was no such thing as school and that her teacher doesn't teach anything and I shouldn't expect her to pass her tests and why does she need to go to school, it's such a waste of time.
I've spoken to her teachers again and again. There is nothing wrong there. They teach well, they have interesting material and a solid curriculum. The girls like to be disruptive, my daughter included. But they learn and keep moving ahead in the curriculum.

Today I lost my patience and said to her, if you have a real complaint let's talk about it in a mature problem-solving way. If you just want to complain that you are so unhappy then I will look to find a different school for you and I might not ask your opinion about it.

I'm not proud of myself but I'm so worn down. I've been working with her for months to keep her motivated in her schoolwork and undisruptive in class.

I need to learn better managing teen daughter skills.

amother

Mon, May 10 2021, 7:55 pm

NotInNJMommy wrote:

What does she enjoy? Can you channel that into something productive she can feel a little excited about or feel satisfaction from accomplishing? What if you just spend time together, even if it's while doing other chores/errands just to forge connection?

You're right, I do need to spend more one-on-one time with her. To take her out a few times a month where it's just us so she knows I am there for her beyond my chaotic kitchen.
That might just be what she really needs.

amother

Mon, May 10 2021, 7:56 pm

singleagain wrote:

Is it possible that something else is going on in he life? Maybe she or a friend is going through something difficult? Is there is an issue with a teacher or another student? Could it be a mood disorder? Perhaps some other ailments?

Anything is possible but at this point we talk so much I think she'd mention it.

banana split

Mon, May 10 2021, 8:05 pm

I agree with the positive one on one time. Do things she enjoys. Just plain chilled out fun time that you don’t have to talk about school. If she has friends and is a good student then it’s prob just the vibe in school to complain and that’s how the girls talk. Just try to keep things light. Give positive attention. It could be because you are being so attentive and validating she subconsciously wants to keep at it but if you don’t pay too much attention it may die down. Btdt- not fun but they grow up amd become adults who are enjoyable to speak to!!

WhatFor

Mon, May 10 2021, 8:13 pm

What would happen if you were to suggest that each day at dinner (or whenever) everyone would talk about 3 things they're thankful for that day?

You could also get journals for everyone (or her) where each evening everyone writes in detail about something they enjoyed that day. It can be private if she prefers.

There are many things that contribute to our focusing on negativity, especially the media and news. Sometimes it's a matter of training the brain to look for positive.

This might work better if you don't connect this to her constant complaining and pretend this is a project you just came up with.

imasinger

Mon, May 10 2021, 8:17 pm

I also agree.

Taking her out is fantastic, if you can swing it once in a while. Or anything else that helps her feel special.

And yes, focus on the positive. It's a tough balance, because you don't want to brush off any real concerns or feelings, but if it's all drama, then sometimes, it's helpful to just warmly let her know you have faith in her ability to figure it out, then change the conversation to something else of interest to her, rather than letting the kvetching continue past a certain point.

amother

Seafoam

Mon, May 10 2021, 8:33 pm

Sounds kind of like my teen. My DD has had it with school for the year. She needs a break from the drama. Yet she can't allow herself to slack. She is compelled to get all A's.

I don't know where you are but in our part of the world, "normalcy" is non-existent. Life is not normal due to the pandemic and continued restrctions.

My DD is stressed. It's the end of the year out of a whole year that has not been normal, a non-normal summer and abysmal end to the previous year.

Chronic stress, day after day, can wear on a person, especially an immature, not quite adult. It's hard to see the positive under these conditions.

What makes it worse is that we don't know when things will be normal. We can't even "just get to that (insert milestone here)" because who knows if it will even exist.

And then, add on top of that, being a teenager who is dealing with other teenagers!

I really don't have answers. I try to foster activities that are a fun and are stress relieving. I, too, am waiting for things to ligthen up. Some sort of breather and reset.

For sure, we are looking forward to summer.

amother

Floralwhite

Mon, May 10 2021, 8:38 pm

You are so lucky your DD is comfortable sharing all her feelings with you.
Please don't knock them or invalidate them.
You don't want her to start holding back from you.
Teaching her to journal is a good idea, but always keep the lines of communication open if if it is overwhelming at times.
You are the adult in the situation, imagine how much more overwhelmed she will be if she needs to keep all of this bottled up inside.

amother

Aquamarine

Mon, May 10 2021, 9:04 pm

Sounds likes my teen at 15.
Here's what helped me get through my kids teen years :

1. I dropped any and all notions of her needing to be any different than how she is. (Easier said than done, but the change was astonishing!)

2. I dropped any and all thoughts about her being bad or wrong or misguided or immature in any way. This too was easier said than done, but got easier with practice.

3. I began to develop a reverence for the human being she is, and believing she's complete and whole and not in need of fixing in any way.

The biggest compliment came from dd herself: "mommy, you really believe there's nothing wrong with teenagers! That's very unusual, all my friends' parents think teenagers are (fill-in-the-blank)."

(Btw, all the above can be applied to other relationships as well, starting with oneself)

amother

Aquamarine

Mon, May 10 2021, 9:14 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

How do I cut through my teen daughter's negative attitude towards everything and anything?

That ship has sailed. I don't know of a person whose negative attitude was "cut through" by the pursuasion or will of another person.
May I suggest to you to start by "cutting through" your negative attitude about your daughter? Or to at least begin to examine it?

I like to practice an attitude of accepting people (including my children) as they are, not as I wish them to be.

Having teenagers (or children of any age) is such a rich opportunity for examining and transforming our own childhood pain.

Frumwithallergies

Mon, May 10 2021, 10:35 pm

Thank you, wise Imas, for your wisdom. I am not OP, but I too am in need of wisdom when it comes to dealing with the drama of a young teen dd.
My DH takes a lot of our dd's comments and complaints on face value, but I have learned that hyperbole is an essential component of her vocabulary. 'My navi teacher is always ____ fill in the bank's, or we are NEVER allowed (fill in the blank with a deep sigh). Meh.
She is bh getting A's and only mildly anxious. I'll take what I can get, and apply some of the wisdom of the above posts to my parenting strategies. Thanks Salut

amother

cornflower

Tue, May 11 2021, 3:08 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

OP my teen DS too. Except he's not a great student. He's also always picking fights with his siblings, making horrible insulting comments. It creates such an unpleasant atmosphere. I'm exhausted and fed-up and feel unable to be a good parent to him.
No advice, just empathy.

amother

Tue, May 11 2021, 3:15 am

Thank you for all the valuable advice. It's definitely a learning experience to raise teens.
The drama and hyperbole as was mentioned above. I'm not a drama kind of person. If there's an issue, I'm more than happy to listen, to encourage, to reflect, to give ideas. I see that as one of my main jobs as a mother. But if she tells me "everyone is doing x" or "everyone says y" I expected that to be reality. Till recently when multiple times I went to ask her classmates' mothers how they are handling these issues and found out that "everyone" is one or two girls, usually the most outspoken ones in her class.
She is really a terrific girl. Yes she is waiting for the summer, it's been a rough year. Next time I will acknowledge that to her instead of losing my patience.
It is true I expect a lot from her, because she has always been mature for her age. So when she acts like her friends, I try to raise her up a bit, above that level which can be a bit too egocentric and even a bit reckless for my liking. It's not that I don't accept her for who she is, it's that I want to bring out the real her that we do see sometimes, hiding behind all the drama and gum chewing lol.

amother

Seashell

Tue, May 11 2021, 2:53 pm

amother [ Aquamarine ] wrote:

Amother aquamarine I screenshotted your post and I’m saving it to look at. My eldest is only 6, but your words are so valuable I want to save them forever!