When do you say BDE? (Help BT)

amother

Tue, May 11 2021, 9:08 am

Is the only time you say BDE directly after finding out about a petira? If you want to reach out to a person who has had a loss in their family, do you say BDE to them even though you already said BDE when you found out about the petira?

What do you say to someone who lost a relative (but who isn’t avel)?

MommyM

Tue, May 11 2021, 9:22 am

I wouldn't say it twice to the same person and would only say it close to the actual petira, for example, during the week of Shiva. It's used more for when you first hear about the loss.

People use BDE for non-immediate relatives too.

amother

Babyblue

Tue, May 11 2021, 9:23 am

You say BDE when you hear about the death of a person.
It means, blessed is the True Judge .
You don't have to say BDE it every time you talk to the person. Just say the time you hear the news.
You can say it to anyone, even if it's not a relative.
For example, someone says, "just found out my neighbor passed away "
You answer "baruch Dayan Haemes."
It's basically a statement acknowledging that Hashem, as the True Judge is righteous in all His way.

Blessing1

Tue, May 11 2021, 9:25 am

You say BDE when you hear the news that someone was nifter. When someone tells you "ploni was nifter" you respond with burich dayan emes.

English3

Tue, May 11 2021, 9:25 am

amother [ Babyblue ] wrote:

You said it very well.

wiki

Tue, May 11 2021, 9:25 am

You could say BDE even to a person who is unrelated to the deceased.

The only person you say BDE to is the person who tells you the news of the passing. If you then see the relatives later, you don't say BDE to them.

amother

Babypink

Tue, May 11 2021, 9:40 am

You say it when you hear of a death not to a person who lost a relative.
To a relative you can wish them strength to get through this hard time.
If you knew the niftar you can give over a nice memory of the person.

amother

Emerald

Tue, May 11 2021, 9:54 am

Just adding this in, and it's just my opinion

Baruch dayan haemes reminds us that Hashem runs the world and even when things are sad and hard they're still right.

To me, bde is for me. So if someone would tell me someone died, I'd say something like, oh no, baruch dayan haemes, I'm so sorry to hear!

I don't think bde is instead of another reaction. It's in addition.

keym

Tue, May 11 2021, 10:08 am

I'm going to share this since I didn't know until it was unfortunately relevant to me.
I always thought Baruch Dayan Emes was just the response.
Mazel Tov on good news, Bshaah Tova Umitzlachas when someone is expecting, BDE when someone passes away.
In reality, it's an actual Bracha.
At the end of the levaya the aveilim who will sit Shiva (parents, siblings, spouse, kids) say the Bracha right before they tear kriah. Baruch Atah Hashem Elokeinu Melech Haolam Dayan Haemes.
I didn't know that until I lost my father, and it really shocked me.

amother

Blue

Tue, May 11 2021, 11:19 am

It's not just for deaths. It should also be said for any catastrophic bad news such as if, ch"v someone's life savings or lehavdil all the sifrei Torah in a shul just went up in smoke or they were just told they have inoperable Stage IV metastatic pancreatic cancer and three weeks to live.

zaq

Tue, May 11 2021, 11:22 am

keym wrote:

Only the avelim say it beshem umalchut.

amother

Babypink

Tue, May 11 2021, 11:36 am

keym wrote:

Yeah I said that.
But I didn't know that until my father's levaya.

It’s said when you rip kriah
After the levaya, the aveilum walk between the people who say, hamakom yenachem eschem...

imasinger

Tue, May 11 2021, 11:43 am

It's not something you say TO people.

To mourners, you say "hamakom yinachem..." after the burial and within the first 30 days.

zaq

Tue, May 11 2021, 11:56 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

"I'm sorry for your loss."
If you knew the deceased, something like "Manny was a dear friend of ours and we miss him" or "Manny always had a smile for anyone he met."
If you didn't know the deceased, "I'm sorry for your loss" is sufficient.

zaq

Tue, May 11 2021, 12:10 pm

amother [ Emerald ] wrote:

Correct. You're not saying it TO the person giving you the news; you'd say it if you heard bad news on the radio when you were alone in your basement in the middle of the night. It's your acknowledgement that you accept that Hashem's judgement is true and just.

You also say it if you "hear" bad news by reading about it or witnessing it or some other non-audio means. It's not like saying amen when you literally have to hear something to respond.