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thunderstorm


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Tue, May 11 2021, 5:14 pm
I guess it depends on what circles you live in. I think in the yeshivish kollel world the parents of the girl are the ones that do the majority of supporting , in most but not all cases. And it’s usually discussed before the shidduch takes place.
In the Chasidish world , it’s not as common, but plenty do support their kids and often it’s split by both sides. Sometimes the support is only for the first year or two .
There are MO parents that help support their kids if needed as well.
But I don’t know much about any of it. I was never supported and it’s not something we do officially. If a kid needs financial assistance and we have the means to do so, we help out as much as we can.
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Crookshanks


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Tue, May 11 2021, 10:44 pm
The girls side gives money. Generally 1-2k each month. You discuss it with the other side when they boy picks up the girl to propose.
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notshanarishona


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Tue, May 11 2021, 11:20 pm
Typically boys side gives monthly for a few years but exact times are discussed and agreed on beforehand
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Crookshanks


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Wed, May 12 2021, 12:23 am
amother [ OP ] wrote: | For how long?
How come the boys' family doesn't contribute? |
Depending on the parent's financial status, either for a year or two, or for however long the boy is learning.
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amother


Cerise
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Wed, May 12 2021, 5:22 am
I think this is so dependant on your circles. Can you afford to support? Be realistic about that, bearing in mind your other kids.
We didn't get any kind of support from our Chabad families, although certainly parents do give money to their kids, just on a more informal basis. One of my sisters married into a family who asked my parents to give money every month, so despite the fact that my husband was in kollel and my sisters husband wasn't, they got money and we didn't. I think my parents were wrong to do that and I would never do that to my kids. What one gets, the other will get too, within reason.
In any case, don't really agree with that type of support...I would rather see my kids standing on their own feet and then surprise them with a downpayment.
My sister who got the support from parents is still struggling financially while we are doing much better.
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essie14


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Wed, May 12 2021, 7:03 am
IME, it's usually discussed with the kids bythe parents before they start dating, so the kids know what they are in for. Half of my yeshivish friends knew they wouldn't be supported by their parents so they made an effort to finish college and start working before they started dating seriously.
Some shadchanim ask for specifics before setting up a shidduch but from what I have seen in regular yeshivish circles, the kids themselves know basically what they are going to get (or not).
In my MO circles, the parents are usually willing to help if one of the spouses isn't working yet. We have told our kids that we will pay for university no matter what, whether they are single or married, but if they get married before they finish, they will have to figure out living costs. (although we also told them that we consider furniture part of the wedding costs and will pay for half) Several friends of mine made basement apartments in their homes and allow their young married children to live there rent free for a bit. One friend of mine's older parents split their apartment into 2 to allow the grandchildren to live there for a year or 2.
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BrachaVHatzlocha


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Wed, May 12 2021, 7:39 am
My husband is in kollel and our parents dont support us financially. But it really depends on individuals.
When I was dating, I think maybe one boy's parents asked how much my parents can support.
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amother


Sapphire
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Wed, May 12 2021, 9:21 am
amother [ Cerise ] wrote: | I think this is so dependant on your circles. Can you afford to support? Be realistic about that, bearing in mind your other kids.
We didn't get any kind of support from our Chabad families, although certainly parents do give money to their kids, just on a more informal basis. One of my sisters married into a family who asked my parents to give money every month, so despite the fact that my husband was in kollel and my sisters husband wasn't, they got money and we didn't. I think my parents were wrong to do that and I would never do that to my kids. What one gets, the other will get too, within reason.
In any case, don't really agree with that type of support...I would rather see my kids standing on their own feet and then surprise them with a downpayment.
My sister who got the support from parents is still struggling financially while we are doing much better. |
I am with you on your take regarding the support system but I don't think its fair to say that your parents were wrong. Shidduchim are very difficult and as a parent I want to do what I can to make things work.
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