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amother




OP
 

Post Tue, May 11 2021, 4:05 pm
I am a BT so please don't throw rocks at me, but I am curious ...

Can you please explain how it works. Do parents agree prior to the engagement that each side will give X dollars? Do they give the same amounts? Different? How is it determined who gives what? What if they cannot agree on the amount, does the couple still get engaged? What happens if later one side stops $? Practically, how does it work, you get two checks every month, week, etc? Do they agree on a time period as well? What is the typical monthly amount and for how long? My oldest is about to start shidduchim so I am a bit worried if this will come up. Thank you.
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thunderstorm




 
 
 
 

Post Tue, May 11 2021, 5:14 pm
I guess it depends on what circles you live in. I think in the yeshivish kollel world the parents of the girl are the ones that do the majority of supporting , in most but not all cases. And it’s usually discussed before the shidduch takes place.

In the Chasidish world , it’s not as common, but plenty do support their kids and often it’s split by both sides. Sometimes the support is only for the first year or two .

There are MO parents that help support their kids if needed as well.

But I don’t know much about any of it. I was never supported and it’s not something we do officially. If a kid needs financial assistance and we have the means to do so, we help out as much as we can.
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amother




Aubergine
 

Post Tue, May 11 2021, 5:16 pm
amother [ OP ] wrote:
I am a BT so please don't throw rocks at me, but I am curious ...

Can you please explain how it works. Do parents agree prior to the engagement that each side will give X dollars? Do they give the same amounts? Different? How is it determined who gives what? What if they cannot agree on the amount, does the couple still get engaged? What happens if later one side stops $? Practically, how does it work, you get two checks every month, week, etc? Do they agree on a time period as well? What is the typical monthly amount and for how long? My oldest is about to start shidduchim so I am a bit worried if this will come up. Thank you.


Are you yeshivish?

Boy or girl?

If girl, is she looking for a learning boy? Does she have a good income on her own?
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amother




OP
 

Post Tue, May 11 2021, 10:20 pm
Yeshivish. I have a son, and then two girls....
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Crookshanks




 
 
 
 

Post Tue, May 11 2021, 10:44 pm
The girls side gives money. Generally 1-2k each month. You discuss it with the other side when they boy picks up the girl to propose.
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amother




OP
 

Post Tue, May 11 2021, 11:07 pm
Crookshanks wrote:
The girls side gives money. Generally 1-2k each month. You discuss it with the other side when they boy picks up the girl to propose.


For how long?

How come the boys' family doesn't contribute?
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amother




Jetblack
 

Post Tue, May 11 2021, 11:17 pm
I would ask a trusted Rebbetzin or similar, someone who knows you personally and the norms for your community / son's yeshiva. There is a vast range of what is or is not acceptable. Parents also have to discuss what they are comfortable with.
A lot of times the boy has some more flexibility depending on the parents financial situation. But this is not always true. A lot of people expect both sides to contribute something, even if not equally.
Btw this is usually only typical if boy is learning / in school
(We are yeshivish out of town / Ner Yisrael type)
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notshanarishona




 
 
 
 

Post Tue, May 11 2021, 11:20 pm
Typically boys side gives monthly for a few years but exact times are discussed and agreed on beforehand
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amother




Amethyst
 

Post Tue, May 11 2021, 11:22 pm
How old is your son? How old are the girls he dates? In my circles, girls tend to start dating at 21 or 22, when they are finishing up college and can get a decent job. Parents don't support, except maybe by helping set up an apartment right when they get married (I.e. help with basic furniture and household items). But no monthly checks or anything official like that.
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amother




Periwinkle
 

Post Tue, May 11 2021, 11:22 pm
amother [ OP ] wrote:
For how long?

How come the boys' family doesn't contribute?


Because that is how it is. Tradition and the privilege of having a learner.

Historically it stems from the rich man in the European village being able to purchase the smartest boy in the village and have the honor of having a scholar in the family.
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amother




Apricot
 

Post Tue, May 11 2021, 11:30 pm
Crookshanks wrote:
The girls side gives money. Generally 1-2k each month. You discuss it with the other side when they boy picks up the girl to propose.

It's not discussed before the shidduch even starts? To discuss it right before the proposal is kinda late
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Crookshanks




 
 
 
 

Post Wed, May 12 2021, 12:23 am
amother [ OP ] wrote:
For how long?

How come the boys' family doesn't contribute?

Depending on the parent's financial status, either for a year or two, or for however long the boy is learning.
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amother




Floralwhite
 

Post Wed, May 12 2021, 3:29 am
My son is getting married and we are the one supporting them in the first year. He is not in kolel but couldn't get married without our support and we felt like we wanted to help them. So not everything that says black and white is that.
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amother




Denim
 

Post Wed, May 12 2021, 5:04 am
My son got married this past year bh. We give monthly, and so do my mechutanim. The girls side gives about double what we give. That’s just the way it is in our (yeshivish) circles. Some boys sides don’t give anything - and between the girl working and what her parents give they make it. Bh we are able to give something too.
We did discuss with the shadchan before he dated what the other side plans on giving. (Approximately) Otherwise it’s too late if you are looking for some support.

I’m sure I’ll be quoted and saying the couple should have responsibilities...work... she does work, and my son is a very serious learner. The OP asked what is going on in the ‘real’ world. This is it for yeshivish circles. Hatzlocha. Not an easy parsha.
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amother




Cerise
 

Post Wed, May 12 2021, 5:22 am
I think this is so dependant on your circles. Can you afford to support? Be realistic about that, bearing in mind your other kids.

We didn't get any kind of support from our Chabad families, although certainly parents do give money to their kids, just on a more informal basis. One of my sisters married into a family who asked my parents to give money every month, so despite the fact that my husband was in kollel and my sisters husband wasn't, they got money and we didn't. Mad I think my parents were wrong to do that and I would never do that to my kids. What one gets, the other will get too, within reason.

In any case, don't really agree with that type of support...I would rather see my kids standing on their own feet and then surprise them with a downpayment.

My sister who got the support from parents is still struggling financially while we are doing much better.
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amother




Ginger
 

Post Wed, May 12 2021, 5:32 am
Hi I'm yeshivish kollel wife living in Israel now and we get supported equally from both sides .we get a zelle from each side rosh chodesh time
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essie14




 
 
 
 

Post Wed, May 12 2021, 7:03 am
IME, it's usually discussed with the kids bythe parents before they start dating, so the kids know what they are in for. Half of my yeshivish friends knew they wouldn't be supported by their parents so they made an effort to finish college and start working before they started dating seriously.
Some shadchanim ask for specifics before setting up a shidduch but from what I have seen in regular yeshivish circles, the kids themselves know basically what they are going to get (or not).

In my MO circles, the parents are usually willing to help if one of the spouses isn't working yet. We have told our kids that we will pay for university no matter what, whether they are single or married, but if they get married before they finish, they will have to figure out living costs. (although we also told them that we consider furniture part of the wedding costs and will pay for half) Several friends of mine made basement apartments in their homes and allow their young married children to live there rent free for a bit. One friend of mine's older parents split their apartment into 2 to allow the grandchildren to live there for a year or 2.
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BrachaVHatzlocha




 
 
 
 

Post Wed, May 12 2021, 7:39 am
My husband is in kollel and our parents dont support us financially. But it really depends on individuals.
When I was dating, I think maybe one boy's parents asked how much my parents can support.
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amother




Magenta
 

Post Wed, May 12 2021, 8:39 am
Yeshivish OOTer here. I have several married siblings and if my parents gave any monthly $ (which they did for some of my siblings), the other side always gave too. They refused to go along with the unfair rules.

They did say they would give financial support before dating, but did not say any specific amounts. Those discussions happened after the couple was engaged.
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amother




Sapphire
 

Post Wed, May 12 2021, 9:21 am
amother [ Cerise ] wrote:
I think this is so dependant on your circles. Can you afford to support? Be realistic about that, bearing in mind your other kids.

We didn't get any kind of support from our Chabad families, although certainly parents do give money to their kids, just on a more informal basis. One of my sisters married into a family who asked my parents to give money every month, so despite the fact that my husband was in kollel and my sisters husband wasn't, they got money and we didn't. Mad I think my parents were wrong to do that and I would never do that to my kids. What one gets, the other will get too, within reason.

In any case, don't really agree with that type of support...I would rather see my kids standing on their own feet and then surprise them with a downpayment.

My sister who got the support from parents is still struggling financially while we are doing much better.

I am with you on your take regarding the support system but I don't think its fair to say that your parents were wrong. Shidduchim are very difficult and as a parent I want to do what I can to make things work.
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