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How do you manage without any time to yourself until 9 pm???
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amother




OP
 

Post Wed, May 26 2021, 8:58 pm
When do you cook, clean, do laundry, exercise, chill????
The kids wake up when they hear me, no matter how early. So let's say I am up at 645. Kids wake up, need breakfast, need me to referee their fights, need me to clean their hands and faces and spills, need me to wipe their tush after they use the bathroom, pack their lunches, dress them (ages 1, 4, 8. 8 yr old obviously does need a lot of this help but he fights with his siblings and causes some consternation, and also does need help w breakfast.) make sure teeth are brushed and sunscreen. Phew!
Get self dressed, pack lunch, take kids to babysitter and playgroup and bus stop, go to work.
Work quietly.
Leave work, pick up kids, come home. Hopefully no one is kvetchy and they'll eat a snack while I put up an easy no prep dinner or frozen prepped dinner. Many days no such luck and they are kvetchy while I do this.
More refereeing of fights. Watch kids outside. Feed dinner. Clean up. Bathe on bath nights. Put younger ones to bed. Play game and do homework with older one. Change linen of older one (he pishes in his bed often. We are using a sensor but it happens so often.)
Read him a chapter.
Done. It is 9 pm. Tonight it's 9 bec we had an errand that pushed off bedtime. Usually it's 8, so a lot more manageable, but as the kids grow older it's going to get later!! How do you manage wth barely any time to yourself??!!
And yes of course Dh helps with many of the things on this list but it's a whirlwind and so flipping exhausting!!!!
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amother




Rose
 

Post Wed, May 26 2021, 9:02 pm
Literally sitting on the couch with a lump in my throat bec I’m feeling so resentful. I have the help of dh but still is a whirlwind for dif reasons each night. (Today the baby refused to go to sleep after trying fot ages to put him in, is now awake and I still have laundry to do and I’m exhausted.h
My mental overwhelm is projected onto my body. I hate this life.
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Zehava




 
 
 
 

Post Wed, May 26 2021, 9:05 pm
That sounds like a lot! No cleaning help?
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amother




OP
 

Post Wed, May 26 2021, 9:08 pm
Zehava wrote:
That sounds like a lot! No cleaning help?


Not at the moment. I am trying to find but they all want to work for just one person and I can't afford that at all.
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amother




Black
 

Post Wed, May 26 2021, 9:14 pm
I seriously think our nisoyan in this generation is that women need to work. I don’t think our mothers felt this way cuz NOONE worked!!! I feel u OP. Same boat. And I keep thinking this is crazy this is not what the kessuba says. Our only job is to be home take care of our
House and kids. But today’s days most women can’t. It’s seriously a curse. I hope we kim up (for a lack of better words) with it! Hugs!
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amother




Rose
 

Post Wed, May 26 2021, 9:16 pm
amother [ Black ] wrote:
I seriously think our nisoyan in this generation is that women need to work. I don’t think our mothers felt this way cuz NOONE worked!!! I feel u OP. Same boat. And I keep thinking this is crazy this is not what the kessuba says. Our only job is to be home take care of our
House and kids. But today’s days most women can’t. It’s seriously a curse. I hope we kim up (for a lack of better words) with it! Hugs!

I don’t work. Still have a hard time. Sad From when they start to get home from 3 until 9 is 6 long hard hours. (What’s Kim up?)
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amother




Periwinkle
 

Post Wed, May 26 2021, 9:28 pm
I'm in a very similar situation, OP.
I don't really cope all the time, but then again, do you know ANYONE who's really managing 100%?

Find your shortcuts.
Cook: can you prepare once a week, or put up crock pot in the morning, or rely on quick dinners (anything grilled works especially well in the summer)
Clean: lower your standards, give the kids chores, use more disposables
Exercise: can you walk to/from work instead of driving? Or park a ten minute walk away?
Chill: that's what the rest of the night after 9 pm is for

Also, train your kids to become more self-reliant: let them resolve squabbles alone, encourage play that doesn't require you to be part of it, have them wipe themselves after the toilet.

But mostly, hugs, because I'm in a similar stage and it's not 930 pm and I can't even think of cleaning the kitchen because I'm so wiped, so I get it.
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amother




cornflower
 

Post Thu, May 27 2021, 4:03 am
OP I completely get you.
For me walking to and from work (about 20 mins) is my me-time, although I do chat to my 2.5 yr old in the buggy. If I drive I sometimes just sit in the car an extra 2 mins taking some deep breaths. Otherwise it’s non stop til 9/9.30.
Then cleaning up , preparing/marking etc (I’m a high school teacher).
If I’m lucky I can hide in the bathroom with my phone for ten minutes.
Once I do get into bed I watch videos for half an hour just to relax and feel like I’m doing something for myself. Sundays I’ll spend time making myself a nice breakfast. Often Sunday afternoons my husband takes the kids out to a park so I can have some time but I usually have to spend it preparing lessons or studying!
Honestly sometimes I spend ages in the bath in the Mikva just to enjoy the peace and quiet!!!
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amother




Ginger
 

Post Thu, May 27 2021, 4:20 am
I get u!
I wonder too.

dh helps IF he can. b´´H he is working and has his prioritis straight (ie working a lot but helps out as much as he can)

there areso manyobligations here: baby, toddler, schoolkids (theyall need attention and be cared for, ) errands, playdates, pianolessons, sportsclass, physiotherapy, doc appointments)
oh and my job of course
hosting guests
currently no cleaning help
there should be something simple, warm more or less healthy and economic, yummy and filling on the dining table around 6pm, right?

oh and did I mention that once the house is spotless it takes less than an hour to get messy again (on ekid pees his pans, todder decides tpo take out all pands/pots from drawer, while schoolage kid showers and accidently floods the bathroom. laundry laundra laundry Sad
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amother




Babypink
 

Post Thu, May 27 2021, 4:31 am
amother [ Black ] wrote:
I seriously think our nisoyan in this generation is that women need to work. I don’t think our mothers felt this way cuz NOONE worked!!! I feel u OP. Same boat. And I keep thinking this is crazy this is not what the kessuba says. Our only job is to be home take care of our
House and kids. But today’s days most women can’t. It’s seriously a curse. I hope we kim up (for a lack of better words) with it! Hugs!


My mother worked
My grandmother worked
My great-grandmother worked

Even before that, I don't know if they worked but they had to walk to the river to wash their clothes and clean their own chickens. I doubt they had extra time on their hands.
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amother




Ginger
 

Post Thu, May 27 2021, 4:42 am
oh and my 6 year old doesnt fall asleep before 10.30. thats 'early'. I was told to try melatonin, but well, we didnt look into it yet - we should find solutions etc but were unsucessfull so far...bottom line, even on a good day I start handling my household chores and to do lists and me time around 10.30 Sad

I hope its a phase and at some point in life I will be granted more sleep.

its tough but worth it. im a quite organised person but thos setup pushes me to my limits and I totally hear what youa re saying, I sit I the same boat and wonder what I am doing wrong (other mothers seem to get it done more smoothly it seems)
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wif




 
 
 
 

Post Thu, May 27 2021, 6:07 am
I never. Ever. Have time just to myself. I work at home in the morning, and have my baby home with me. The toddler comes home at 1:30, the bigger kids between 2:30 and 5. I put the younger half into bed between 7 and 9, depending on the ages, but the teenagers don't go to bed until I do, or often after. I do laundry, cleanup, cook dinner, etc in the midst of the whirlwind.

I am an introvert, and I used to think that I would spontaneously combust without at least a couple of hours a day without anyone around me, but I do it! I sneak a few minutes away here and there--I have a library in my bathroom, Smile --and I try to make those little moments count. I'll even say to my kids, "Ima is not home for the next ten minutes while she drinks her tea. Please leave a message, and she'll get back to you as soon as possible. Beep!" which never works, but makes me feel better, because I think its funny even if my teens have different opinions.

And I try to remember: faster than I can even imagine, they will all be grown up. Time will have slipped through my fingers. I try to cherish even the overwhelming times while they last.
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amother




Lavender
 

Post Thu, May 27 2021, 6:48 am
amother [ Babypink ] wrote:
My mother worked
My grandmother worked
My great-grandmother worked

Even before that, I don't know if they worked but they had to walk to the river to wash their clothes and clean their own chickens. I doubt they had extra time on their hands.


Same here. My great great grandmother worked too. Her and her husband owned a pawn shop. Her parents had a farm so I assume that my great great great grandmother had lots to do on the farm.

The difference is all these generations of women had help at home. It's impossible to expect women to do everything. I probably have the least amount of household help of 4 generations of women in my family and I still have a few hours 2 days a week.
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amother




OP
 

Post Thu, May 27 2021, 7:17 am
wif, I love your attitude !

I forgot to mention that somehow our Sundays get eaten up by obligations: simchos, family BBQ, basketball for oldest kid...
That eats up a whole lot of time for me. And Dh is not avail for a large portion of Sunday due to work.
I'm hangin in there- I really appreciate all the responses.

I rarely ever have guests because I can't imagine how I'd be able to handle!
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amother




Blue
 

Post Thu, May 27 2021, 7:18 am
Op. I've learnt 2 places 1 my van and 2 the bathroom .
I take longer bathroom breaks and just sit for an extra cple minutes regrouping (do this at work if need be). Sounds silly but really helps.
And I use my van for quiet time. Try to leave work 15 minutes early (even if it costs some salary perhaps) and spend those 15 minutes sitting in the car in silence or with soft music. Just regrouping. Processing. Maybe with a soft drink .
2 very small ideas/changes that are a small start.
Hope you can try. Sounds like way too long a day for you with no breather.
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amother




Peach
 

Post Thu, May 27 2021, 7:28 am
Your 8 year old can learn to change his own linen, he shouldn't see it as a punishment but simply as something an 8 year old is capable of doing.

I also sit in the car for like an extra 10 minutes when I can...
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amother




Olive
 

Post Thu, May 27 2021, 7:31 am
op, answer is im not managing...im glad u wrote this thread bec I feel im the only one feeling overwhelmed especially since my sils/sister either quit their jobs or work very part time bec it was too much for them...but I wouldnt want their stress of how they will pay bills so....


im gaining weight from the stress of trying to get "life" all done in little time and I have no time for exercise...then on top of that me n dh have a lot of simchas bec we both come from double digit families...I have no energy for a simcha and I dont feel confident in how I look bec I dont have time to focus on me...now I stopped going but im not managing....I feel like im a slave...and right now, im really upset that I dont have time to focus on losing my pregnancy weight....and take care of myself....after paying tuitions, I cant afford hired help etc...

so, answer is im not managing...I literally get up, go to work, come home, take care of kids/house etc..have more work projects to finish and start the day again the next day doing the same thing...by the time 9:30 rolls around I need to be in bed bec I have to get up very early for work...I definitely can relate.....
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amother




Pewter
 

Post Thu, May 27 2021, 8:29 am
amother [ Black ] wrote:
I seriously think our nisoyan in this generation is that women need to work. I don’t think our mothers felt this way cuz NOONE worked!!! I feel u OP. Same boat. And I keep thinking this is crazy this is not what the kessuba says. Our only job is to be home take care of our
House and kids. But today’s days most women can’t. It’s seriously a curse. I hope we kim up (for a lack of better words) with it! Hugs!


I don't want to derail, but I think you are very misguided.
I don't work. I have a large family, including a toddler and a baby. They usually wake me up multiple times each night. Baby is up for the day at six. At seven I have to start waking kids for school/ yeshivah. From then its nonstop action until the last kid leaves around 9. By then I am already exhausted. But there is no going back to sleep for me, because my toddler just got up.
I have to do all the shopping myself, so most mornings I am running around with a double stroller trying to shlep as much as I can ( no car, no home deliveries).
Getting home, feeding baby/ toddler, putting together some lunch for yeshivah boys who eat at home (1pm). By the time they finish, the first of the younger kids comes home, followed half an hour later by the next one, and then the next one and so on. They all need snacks and some attention. Need to prepare supper, do laundry, take kids to appointments ( remember no car). After serving supper to multiple shifts, superficially cleaning the kitchen and prepare school snacks and lunches for most of the kids, bathing the little ones and putting everyone to bed, I dont think I am any less exhausted than the average working mom. But I can still not relax, because I have to wait up for my boys to come back from night seder.
Sometimes working outside the home sounds quite appealing.
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amother




Purple
 

Post Thu, May 27 2021, 9:07 am
amother [ Babypink ] wrote:
My mother worked
My grandmother worked
My great-grandmother worked

Even before that, I don't know if they worked but they had to walk to the river to wash their clothes and clean their own chickens. I doubt they had extra time on their hands.


Our lives are so hectic nowadays with activities that never existed before. Think about all these extra curricular activities that the kids partake in, the overload of simchas & family obligations, the fact that we can't let our young kids be outside unattended at any hour, the constant shopping for supposed essential stuff, the extra norms we added on for YT, etc.

And to add insult to injury, the schools don't take working parents into consideration - despite the fact that the majority of mothers work.

We are in an impossible bind.
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amother




Vermilion
 

Post Thu, May 27 2021, 9:11 am
I totally feel you.
There are nights that I literally collapse when my last is in bed.

But.
I do try to take some time for myself- even for a few minutes.
I know it’s controversial but I’m ok with a bit of screen time to help me catch my breath.

I also do things like sit the older one with the two younger ones with a toy/ craft/ roll of stickers/ snack somewhere close to my room and get into bed/ sit on the couch/ put in a load of laundry for a few minutes/ as long as the peace reigns
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