Food as reward or punishment

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Do you reward or punish with food or treats?

Yes, both reward and punish

[ 9 ]

Only reward

48%

[ 64 ]

Only punish

[ 0 ]

No, I grew up without it too

[ 8 ]

No, I think it might cause food issues

38%

[ 51 ]

Total Votes : 132

amother

Mon, May 31 2021, 7:43 am

Do you do food or sweets as a reward or punishment?

Why? Or why not? If not, what go to methods to motivate behavior do you favor?

Did you grow up the same or different as you are doing for your children?

amother

Pewter

Mon, May 31 2021, 7:49 am

I was brought up with good food used as a punishment. I’m a mature adult now and I have an unhealthy relationship with food. I’m a little overweight because of how I view food.
I try to make all types of food available for my kids. I think when kids feel the deprivation and crave something so badly they will loose all sense of normal control when the food is no longer being controlled by their parents.

FranticFrummie

Mon, May 31 2021, 7:50 am

In general, I do not approve of using food for motivation or punishment.

Still, I did use a single chocolate chip as a reward for doing #2 in the toilet. That only lasted a month or so.

I switched to stickers, and she would put them under the toilet lid so that she could see her "progress" every time she went to the bathroom. She like that even better than the candy, because it was always there, while candy disappeared.

I would never in a million years use food as punishment. Who does that? Mad

amother

Mon, May 31 2021, 7:53 am

FranticFrummie wrote:

I would never in a million years use food as punishment. Who does that? Mad

Ie: You can't have dessert until and unless you finish your dinner, you didn't behave so you don't get dessert, you didn't behave so you do not het to go out with rest of us for said food treat and we won't bring any back for you...... I think it is not uncommon.

FranticFrummie

Mon, May 31 2021, 7:53 am

amother [ Pewter ] wrote:

We cross posted. I am so sorry to hear that you were treated this way! Good for you for breaking the cycle with your kids.

NLP therapy is really good for helping you reframe your feelings around food. Try to find a practitioner in your area.

Food is not love, food is not hate. Food is just food. Hug

Zehava

Mon, May 31 2021, 7:56 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

Ie: You can't have dessert until and unless you finish your dinner, you didn't behave so you don't get dessert...... I think it is not uncommon.

I do that and I don’t consider it a punishment nor do my kids. Okay they don’t have to lick their plate clean, but they have to eat some resemblance of normal food before dessert. Otherwise dessert IS dinner.

FranticFrummie

Mon, May 31 2021, 7:57 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

Ie: You can't have dessert until and unless you finish your dinner, you didn't behave so you don't get dessert...... I think it is not uncommon.

I don't know if that's a punishment, or a consequence. It depends on how disgusting the dinner is, I guess. If it were liver and onions, I'd gladly skip the ice cream if it meant I didn't have to clean my plate.

DD was a starch addict (literally). I gave her a protein and veg to begin with, and when she finished that she could have mashed potatoes, rice, or pasta. If I didn't stagger the meal like that, she'd fill up on the starch and then say she was full. It was the only way to get her to try new things, and to get nutrients into her.

My rule was "You don't have to like it, you don't even have to swallow it, but you do have to try it." I allowed her to spit food into a napkin if it didn't work for her. (I also taught her not to say "gross!", but rather to say "no thank you, I don't care for it.")

Over time, she was more willing to accept new foods, and now she eats a very healthy and balanced diet, while having a good relationship with treats.

amother

Mon, May 31 2021, 7:58 am

Zehava wrote:

I think it is different if you say you need to eat dinner before dessert, because dessert is not the dinner. Finish your whole plate (whether full or don't like it or ate but didn't " lick clean") or you cannot have I think is punish.

FranticFrummie

Mon, May 31 2021, 8:04 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

100% agreed. My mom was raised that way, and she struggled with weight her entire life. Her brain lost it's ability to recognize fullness, so she'd just keep eating.

There were also rich desserts every night as added temptation to keep eating dinner, even when her body didn't want anymore.

Her mom was a Holocaust survivor, and there was a lot of dysfunction happening on many other levels, as well.

chanchy123

Mon, May 31 2021, 11:43 am

I give chocolate as reward during potty training (a few chocolate chips or something), not actual food. I don't see that as an issue.

chanchy123

Mon, May 31 2021, 11:52 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

Not having dessert unless you finish your dinner isn't a punishment, it is an actual consequence and makes perfect sense. We have a rule that the kids must clear the table after Shabbat meals if they want dessert - they are not earning their dessert, but dessert can't be served if all the dishes from the meal are still on the table. That is chinuch.
This isn't using **food** as a reward or punishment, it's not a prize, but there are times when dessert is appropriate (I.e. if one has eaten their dinner or cleared the table) and times when it is not (I.e. dessert cannot replace dinner).
I also don't consider dessert or other sweets as **food** they are an extra treat - in other words, sending a child to bed without dinner as punishment. This is an entirely different category and is pretty much abuse.
I mean sometimes I'll buy the kids ice cream when we're out and other times I won't of course it depends a lot on their behavior - this isn't something I articulate to them or even myself but sure, something extra besides real food is a nice way to reward them and make an outing more fun. I see no issue with that.

chanatron1000

Mon, May 31 2021, 11:54 am

I think there is a big difference between "if you don't behave, you don't get dessert" and "as a special treat for behaving, you can choose a piece of candy." (Depriving a child of an actual meal is something I would consider abusive.) There is a balance to these things too. Over-reliance on food as reward can create food issues, but humans are naturally food motivated. We plant seeds because we will then be able to harvest food, we toil in the kitchen because the result is cooked food, and much of what children are expected to do is for the purpose of doing better in school so they will eventually be able to get a better job and earn money with which they will buy food for their families.

amother

Pink

Mon, May 31 2021, 12:08 pm

I don't really use food as reward or punishment but I let my children choose their rewards and some of them love food so they choose it.
Food was a punishment for me, I'd be denied supper as a child or forced to eat what I didn't finished for breakfast so I try to take everything about food easy, although I have made mistakes as a parent in this regard.

smss

Mon, May 31 2021, 12:24 pm

I think putting dessert on a pedestal backfires. The bigger a deal you make of it, the bigger a deal it will become.

Teomima

Mon, May 31 2021, 12:49 pm

I've had too many issues with food myself (my issues are all my own. My parents never used for as a reward nor as a punishment) to let food play any role in my children's lives other than as a source of nourishment, as something to be savoured and enjoyed, and as a connection to our Jewish faith and both religious and familial heritage through dietary traditions. I see no reason for it to pay any role in motivating my children, not when there's perfectly acceptable alternatives.

bigsis144

Mon, May 31 2021, 12:51 pm

I try very hard not to equate food with reward/punishment, but when the only thing that works is “stop hitting your brother or you don’t get dessert!”, it’s very hard not to default to that. 😕

amother

Periwinkle

Mon, May 31 2021, 1:06 pm

I do occasionally reward with food, but it's not the norm. And it's more often when the children are very young ie. a jelly bean or chocolate chip when they do this or that nicely, and eventually it's phased out.

If my younger-mid teens have been very helpful, I might bring them home a drink that they like when I'm out shopping or a special snack once in a while.

My teens are with their father half of the time. There is a lot of control over there about food. Must eat what's served, must show up for dinner within 2 min of being called (or no food), cannot get condiments out of the refrigerator or get up and get something once seated, cannot leave table until food is finished, cannot take anything else unless given permission, tiny portions (my kids are growing active teens and have never been overweight--and will eat real food and even fruits/veggies, not just nosh and sugar). My kids are the only kids at their father's home. They are 16 and 14.

He punishes them with taking away electronics or grounding them if he finds them eating outside of his boundaries or times. His wife allows it (he probably tries to control her eating too--I speak from experience). Or he "charges" them for food. It's really sick but he's covert and the courts wouldn't care about a parent having rules---and he doesn't starve them, just serves them food they dislike and they have to sneak basic alternatives like cereal or bread and butter. My son usually chooses to starve while there more or less and my daughter is better at sneaking around.

My teens have learned to hide food or eating food. I've had to break habits of them hiding leftovers or garbage or dirty dishes around my home or trying to make them feel welcome to eat when we're all eating or even awake--since they've gotten used to hiding.

In the rare event that they misbehave at dinner and are miserable to be around (ie. teen chutzpah), they can finish their meal when the rest of us are done, or if weather is fine, go eat outside on the back porch. I wouldn't take away food from them or deny them a meal. Other than the few things I keep for myself or for shabbos, they can eat what they want if they do basic clean up.

I've seen too many unhealthy things happen with control and food. I just won't do it.

Zehava

Mon, May 31 2021, 1:08 pm

amother [ Periwinkle ] wrote:

Oish I’m so sorry. AFAIK at this age visitation cannot be forced. Do your teens know that?

#BestBubby

Mon, May 31 2021, 1:23 pm

All schools use food as a reward - especially with younger kids.

chanchy123

Mon, May 31 2021, 1:35 pm

#BestBubby wrote:

All schools use food as a reward - especially with younger kids.

Not in my world. No way, especially not in younger ages, my older kids very occasionally earned a pizza party.
While this is not common in schools my kids attend I don’t consider sweets “food” in this regard. Candy is not and cannot be in the same category as food, it’s just a nice extra to have occasionally in moderation. My children’s schools do not use it as rewards (probably illegal in Israel).

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